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December 2022 Moms
portentosa
member
Why is my pregnant self crying? (May)
portentosa
member
Re: Why is my pregnant self crying? (May)
My 7 year old daughter has long blonde hair and she is always talking about how she likes it long and straight... pointing out when she finds some wave in it and brushing the wave out.
My kids are with my ex-husband this weekend and I get a text from their grandmother saying she cut and colored my daughter's hair. Followed by a picture of my daughter with a short dark blond curly bob. Followed by a picture of a short straight bob and my daughter's eyes looking red and puffy like she'd been crying and a text that my daughter didn't like the haircut but that it was fun.
I immediately asked if those were wigs... they looked like wigs, but I wasn't 100% sure. And the woman went silent for over 5 hours. I know it's just hair and I knew then that it HAD to be a wig, but I also knew if it was real my daughter was going to be so unhappy... so I was fuming, crying, looking up bob haircuts for myself.
And then finally I got a text that the haircuts were wigs and that they were playing cooking show hosts. And I cried again in relief.
The things I've been crying about feel pretty normal but the extent to which I am having feelings is heightened. It feels like my fuse is a bit shorter in general too.
It just made me so emotional and reminded me of a time I comforted my mom when she was grieving. I was tearing up thinking about how no matter what stage of life my baby is in I’ll love and care for and comfort them, and that someday they may be comforting me. Very circle of life and spiritual.
That's still our plan, but today I saw someone's wedding pictures and realized how sad I am that I won't get to do the big wedding thing w friends and a bachelorette and a bridal shower and an open bar and a party and a beautiful dress and stuff. I know logically it's JUST a very expensive party and it doesn't mean I won't have a loving partner and I'm so grateful we are on our way to creating the family I always dreamed of. But it's really hitting home to me that bc I chose to do this out of order, all the little girl fantasies I had about a wedding are gone or at least on hold (also w the added expense of a kid, any wedding we do in the future would be on a much tighter budget). It's so silly bc I CHOSE this and it makes good logical sense. But I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit I wasn't disappointed.
That's all, rant over.
I have similar regrets of not having the whole girly fantasy and missing some important people. I booked my wedding a month before covid and then ended up doing just a tiny 20 person ceremony on my booked day, outdoors, everyone in masks and postponing the big reception until our one year anniversary when we hoped things would be normal. It was a fun party, but some of my most important friends and family couldn't make it still because of covid and it broke my heart. Felt like an overpriced party I wish we could have just canceled.
My first husband and I TTC for four years. We eventually adopted. I love my daughter more than anything, but I certainly mourned the loss of the opportunity to conceive.
New husband and I conceived the first month of trying.
I wanted this so badly for so many years. I cried for this. I begged for this.
I am really trying to be grateful and just remind myself that feeling like garbage is a sign that little Nugget is still in there.
But it's so hard to be anything but sad and angry all the time when being conscious is miserable.
Sorry. Rant over.