First time mom stuck in my head

There’s so many things you hear when you first get pregnant. Sure, they tell you you’re going to feel different, not yourself, even depressed, tired, exhausted. Your body changes, your hormones change, your medications change, you worry constantly. But what they don’t tell you, is that you could possibly experience grieving your marriage pre baby. 

You spend your whole life looking for that person to spend eternity with. The person who hangs the stars, you can read your heart like an open book. For me, I was always meant to find love. Being alone was fun but I was always meant to be girlfriend/wife and I settled for too long that I wasn’t going to settle ever again. & I didn’t. I found the keeper of the stars, I found the man who puts me first and accepts me for who I am. I found the person I will spend the rest of my life with. & I found the best person to raise a child with. But that’s just it, it’s not us anymore, we’re parents. 

For two years we’ve fought financial struggles, emotional let down, bills, Covid, changing jobs, getting married, but it was always us. It won’t be that anymore. 

We’re still is, we still have each other but now we have to do our best for her. But when you think about it, it’s absolutely terrifying. 

 Think about it, it’s always been just you and your partner. 

Nobody else, because in the moment it’s just you two, living life. You are number one in each others life and nothing can change that. They’re your best friend, your soulmate, they’re your husband, they’re your wife, they’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and now that’s all changing. 

That’s it. There’s no more “you two”. From here on out, you are three. 

Someone said to me “you’re scared that you have to share him”. 

& as fucked up, narcissistic and self-centered as that sounds, they were absolutely right. 

I am terrified because the one person I’ve waited and searched my whole life for is now taking on another role. Not just my Best friend, roommate, fiancé, husband but now father. 

We now will have something that requires our full responsibility. Just knowing that it’s never going to be just us “kids” again it will always be us and the baby, then a toddler, or another baby and additional kids. 

If you can have kids without ever thinking about this I salute you because I feel literally insane that I’ve even struggle with the thought of this. It sounds insane but they talk about postpartum depression, they talk about mental health, mental illness, bipolar, personality disorder, but I’ve never been warned you about the fact that things don’t just “change“, you have to make it adjustments for change and knowing that your significant other is no longer “just” your significant other, they are also becoming a parent, it’s really hard to do.

The last two years I’ve spent my days & nights with Charlie, planning a future, trying for a family, but it’s taken til now, my third trimester of this pregnancy to truly, mentally prepare myself for the drastic changes bound to happen. I found my soulmate, the love of my life & im forever grateful for that. But now I have to link that with being a parent as well. 

I have the connection to my baby already, we wanted her we planned for her it has nothing to do with my love for her, it’s simply the fact that she is becoming our number one and we’re both in second place to that and that’s gonna be so different from what we’re used to.