May 2022 Moms
brookejay06
member
Mental Preparation & Processing
brookejay06
member
A place to chat/ask questions about how you’re doing mentally and emotionally as you consider how life is about to change with:
- the addition of a new family member
- the postpartum season, perhaps PP anxiety/depression
- sleep deprivation
- going from 1 kid to 2, or 2 to 3, etc etc
- the newborn phase
- transition with a job
- family dynamics
- labor and delivery in all its forms
- feeding baby
- body changes after baby
- whatever else!
So this is different from other threads in that it’s not how you’re doing with the practical or physical preparations like buying a crib, registry, baby shower, etc etc.
NOTE- this thread is not intended to scare anyone, especially first time moms. Those of us who already have kids probably have experienced some difficulties along the way and we want to process those, though maybe it would be good to use a TW if you want to share about a super traumatic labor, etc.
- the addition of a new family member
- the postpartum season, perhaps PP anxiety/depression
- sleep deprivation
- going from 1 kid to 2, or 2 to 3, etc etc
- the newborn phase
- transition with a job
- family dynamics
- labor and delivery in all its forms
- feeding baby
- body changes after baby
- whatever else!
So this is different from other threads in that it’s not how you’re doing with the practical or physical preparations like buying a crib, registry, baby shower, etc etc.
NOTE- this thread is not intended to scare anyone, especially first time moms. Those of us who already have kids probably have experienced some difficulties along the way and we want to process those, though maybe it would be good to use a TW if you want to share about a super traumatic labor, etc.
Re: Mental Preparation & Processing
With my 2nd it was night and day. I knew what to expect and when to ask for help. I had a VBAC so my recovery was different but also better the second time. I requested to leave the hospital early because I knew I could ask at least and that we would sleep better at home. We got help with breastfeeding on day 3 home and while there was still plenty of sleep deprivation and anxiety, it wasn't nearly the same as with my first. The first 2 days home were definitely challenging, but you remember what to do with the newborn and are not learning it from square 1. Baby was 1 week old and (with my husband and mom) we were at the zoo and the children's museum (pre-pandemic) and pretty much doing all our usual things. We made sure to give each other breaks to nap while baby napped and so the toddler got 1:1 parent time. My toddler was attending a few mornings a week of preschool so that helped so I had time to nap if the baby napped, and to have some bonding time.
Honestly, postpartum with my 2nd was definitly better than my 1st. I hope transitioning to 3 goes smoothly....I'm nervous about being outnumbered.
@brookejay06 definitely didn't have an immediate bond, given all that. Didn't get anywhere close to the "golden hour". Maybe like the "bronze 15 min" before she was whisked away.
At the very least, what we went through with DD has made me very comfortable to ask my parents or my in-laws to help out with basic chores, like laundry or dishes, since we relied on them so heavily before. I literally wouldn't not have eaten if they didn't bring me lunch because I had zero access to food when DH was at work
@b_1029 do you think it would be easier to ask for help if you gave people specific tasks? Like "hey, I ordered this meal, can you pick it up?" Or "can you bring me dinner, I want X" or "can you move the load to the dryer". Small simple tasks, rather than an open ended "I need help"?
With this one, I share many of your worries, especially that breastfeeding will be difficult again. I am comforted by @third2022's post. Thank you for that! I'm hoping I feel a little more comfortable with this baby and all the things that come with newborn care. I'm nervous about juggling the needs of both kids while sleep deprived and dealing with all the crazy hormones that can be present postpartum.
We ended up sleep training pretty early - not full on cry it out - but we definitely worked on getting baby to nap in a crib/basinett from day 1 because it was necessary and then full sleep trained during the 4 month regression. It isn't for everyone, but sleep training was a lifesaver for us.
We made sure to focus on giving the older one lots of 1:1 attention when baby napped in the mornings and to keep her schedule, routines and extra classes as much as we could. Best thing is that we have kept the older one's nap time - which is now quiet play in her room and she is almost 5 and still loves that downtime. That way even though she didn't really nap anymore, I always had a little downtime every day. Because she doesn't nap, at the beginning, we just did quiet time at the same time that the baby took an afternoon nap and that time varied from day to day. Now quiet time is a pretty set time of day so will see what happens with the addition of #3.
The hospital I delivered at offered 5 mental health counseling sessions for everyone who delivered there and I really think it should be standard practice!
as for transitioning from 1 to 2 for mom, I would say for me it was both a lot easier to go from 1 to 2 and a lot harder. For me, I didn’t have PPD/PPA with DD1 so I didn’t expect it with DD2. And man oh man did it hit. I also started a work from home job when DD2 was 6 weeks old, and DH and I were living in an apartment where we were engaged in part time ministry outreach, so our living situation was super stressful. Once we were able to get me on meds and change our living situation, it got a whole lot better for me emotionally. As for the physical and familial transition, it went so much smoother. DH and I knew (kind of lol) what to expect, what to worry about and what was normal, how we were able to share responsibilities, etc. Asking for help was the hardest thing to learn with all 3 of my kids births, but honestly our families and friends *wanted* to do something, and even things like grabbing an extra pack of diapers for us or picking up our take out order made our friends so happy to feel like they were contributing.
So, after having my first, I didn’t realize I had PPA/D until it was done and gone. But, looking back, I definitely did. Becoming a new mom was HARD! My milk was painfully slow to come in and DD1 always seemed hungry. I also had to be forced to eat. After delivering I felt like I had the flu for over a week and could hardly stomach anything. My hubby was obsessed with measuring to know DD1 was getting enough to eat, but breastmilk (from the breast) can’t really be measured. He “forced” me into supplementing and I did finger feeding or used an itty bitty tube I’d slide in her mouth while she breastfed because I was DETERMINED to breastfeed and not create “nipple confusion”. And I cried every time. I felt like a failure. In hindsight, he was right. And supplementing was, in fact, wonderful. We still breastfed for 10 months, but she had an evening bottle that a) allowed me to go to bed early if I wished b) allowed hubby to have that special feeding bonding c) allowed me to go out by myself sometimes and not panic about the state she would be in when I got home because he had a backup food supply and d) even allowed grandma and grandpa to do some feedings too. I don’t know why there’s so much shame about formula feeding or supplementing, but many of you have stated it as well. A fed baby is a happy baby and mama’s mental health should NOT be ignored.
Fast forward to DD2. No PPA/D. Yes, things were hella busy and I never got to nap as hubby worked from home (his office was in our bedroom) and DD1 was home full time. But, when you have your first, both you AND the baby are learning. With your second, one of you knows what’s up. They’re all unique. And our second gave us challenges (lactose intolerance for one. We called her “Leaky Lipped Lily” for the first 4 months at least while we figured that one out as she threw up after almost every meal - the solution was for me to go lactose free too). My milk - came in FAST AND FURIOUS! Like, I would have to pump or self express a little to release pressure so I didn’t completely waterboard her (which is why we thought she was throwing up so much at first). DD1 was also a gem and we’d been really nervous about her adjustment. We had gotten the “I’m a Big Sister” book and read it regularly both before and after DD2 arrived. And I think it also helped that I let her be involved and tried not to push her away. We use cloth diapers and I’d let her pick out her favourite pattern for baby sister. She often chose the outfits, no matter how outrageous they were (and it was covid, so we weren’t going anywhere, anyway). She’d turn the mumaroo on and get a lovey for sister. She was my assistant with getting blankies to wipe up DD2 spit ups and then run the soiled blankies to the laundry. And we’d do what I called “feed and read”. Whenever I fed DD2, DD1 crawled up into my lap too with stories and I’d read to her while DD2 fed (and usually fell asleep), so she didn’t feel excluded from that process either. And I didn’t have any hesitancy with supplementing this time around so DD1 would sometimes give DD2 her bottle.
I hope that that may give a few of you some ideas or reassurances. We are EXCITED about adding a third into the mix and I’m not worried about the newborn transitions. I feel like we can handle everything now and everyone will adjust. DD1 is excited, DD2 is oblivious but I am confident that she’ll be just as wonderful with new baby as DD1 was with her. And if not, I’ll just repeat to myself “this too shall pass”. Everything is just a phase. Remember that when you’re in a tough one and just need to get to the other side, as well as when you’re in a good one to soak up every minute of it.
And take time for YOU whatever that looks like and however you can manage it. A shower isn’t self-care. A shower is hygiene. Alone time, pampering, a glass of wine, date night (even if at home), gym, reading a book without pictures, girls’ night, etc. it’s all important. The more you take care of yourself, the better able you are to take care of your family.
This go round, I'm glad I will be much more aware of the feelings and know when to speak up should they creep up on me. Additionally, the plan is to switch careers after a leave this time and I know I need to get rolling on that starting in the new year by at least making the connections, resume, starting to interview, etc...so that way I can jump ship in September. I love my current job but I know it is not family friendly with 2 kids now.
My mind has settled down about it much more than in the beginning, but I am still struggling with feeling connected to the pregnancy and the baby, and I wasn’t like this with any of my other pregnancies. I think it’s still just residual shock and stress. Like I haven’t bought anything for the baby myself, but people are already giving us things. There’s no nursery for me to decorate or sit in and meditate on things, because we have outgrown this house and is why we are moving. She doesn’t have a name, which could probably help. I know those all seem like small and petty things when you take a step back but they bother me to no end.
Your how I got pregnant story is the same as mine. We thought we were done, on the pill and had an appointment for a new IUD the week after I found out. I completely understand the range of emotions you describe. My first reaction to the positive test was to yell out F*CK. I'm still struggling with it some days. We haven't bought anything for baby - but have everything still from the first 2 - and I am struggling to to committ to purchasing a new car - we won't fit in our current one anymore - as well as all the things we won't be able to do as easily as a family of 5 vs 4. Our kids are still little (almost 5 and 2) but it is still hard to think about going back to the newborn stage again. Our kids sleep through the night and go to preschool and finally play together. My husband and I can leave them with our parents or a sitter easily and go out. I hope #3 is an easy baby but all the unknown is pretty scary.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences!
omg y’all the PPA. I never had anxiety in my LIFE until after my kids were born. I literally could’ve written all of your thoughts word for word. To this day I still won’t drive across the causeway bridge into NOLA with my kids in the car if I’m alone bc I’m terrified of the car going over the edge into the water. “You mean other moms don’t constantly think that?” I get it.
Luckily, my husband is very attentive to the beginning stages of a slide, often moreso than I am, and we've communicated a lot about the possibility that I will slip. I went off medication to conceive, which was absolute hell. I really don't want to have to go back on after going through that, and I've not had any issues while off other than a normal level of worry about the baby. Our plan is to try therapy first, unless the situation is dire. Overall, I really don't want to burden my husband by becoming an absolute wreck during what will be a difficult time for him as well.
If I could suggest- go ahead and get your OB/midwife in your corner and let them know about your history and your concern for postpartum. Perhaps you go ahead and plan for several counseling sessions PP, whether or not you are experiencing symptoms of depression. I say that just because having a plan in place before there’s an issue can sometimes avert the issue altogether. It can bring so much peace of mind. My midwife is amazing and has done so much to help me through the PP anxiety (including counseling, regulating my meds, checking in on my mood frequently, etc). You could also look into hiring a postpartum doula to help out during days or even nights. Having a supportive partner is amazing but I also understand the feeling of wanting to not put too much additional pressure on them (I.e. They have to get up early for work, I don’t want them to have to get up with baby). So bringing in a third party like a doula could help in times of need!
Postpartum Support International (has help
https://www.postpartum.net/resources/psi-brochure/
Maternal Mental Health Fact Sheets
https://www.mmhla.org/factsheets/
PP Depression Q&A
https://nashvilledoulaservices.com/blog/qampa-postpartum-depression
Creating a Postpartum Care Plan
Postpartum Expectations PDF (scroll to the bottom of this blog post)
https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/pregnancy/labor-and-childbirth/postpartum-care-plan-a00041-20171109-lfrm
I went through PPD/PPA after both of my other kids were born and even though I’m 41, know what to look for, know to expect it, and know the best method of treatment for me, I’m still terrified of it. You are not alone!
for people that don’t know- Baby blues generally only last for the first 2 weeks PP and it doesn’t affect overall self-worth. PMADs (PPA/D) last much longer and it’s not just feeling teary or sad but feeling like “I’m a horrible mother. my family would be better off without me. Why did I choose to have a child”, etc. (Poke around on the PSI website for more info. Or just talk to your OB)
FFTC: this will probably sound so ridiculous to some but I'm starting to get worried about nearing the end of pregnancy and being my age and my body just not having any more of it. I have literally zero reasons to feel this way other than the things that happened to me at the very end of my other 2 pregnancies(GD, Pre-e, placental insufficiency, and bedrest bc of IC). But this time around I'm way healthier than I was the other two times, and so far...knock on wood... I haven't had any major issues - so I'm trying not to get into my head about it! I always joke about my 'geriatric pregnancy' but truly I am praying this ol' body lets me hang on until the very end even though I'm sure I'll be bitching up a storm by then!! LOL