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October 2022 Moms
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How to keep the secret?

meganrmorettameganrmoretta member
in October 2022 Moms
As a new Mom, and it being the third time pregnant after two unsuccessful ones, how is everyone keeping the secret? I am nervous because I told a few people last pregnancy only to have to tell them the news that it was unsuccessful. Just curious how some keep the secret.  My mother-in-law has been asking when is my next doctor appointment and it has felt terrible to lie.
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Re: How to keep the secret?

  • ficheyfichey member
    So far I've only shared with my partner and one mom friend since I knew she'd be able to offer help or support no matter which way things go. This is our first pregnancy, so I guess it's easy to keep quiet or play dumb if people ask. We also live pretty far from family, so it's easy to avoid the topic entirely. 

    If you MIL is asking about appointments, you could always just say it's been challenging with COVID, or that you're waiting for the office to get back to you. Not necessarily a lie, just a creative way around the truth. 
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  • krthousekrthouse member
    We've been telling some people early, which we did the first time too. We tell anyone we would want in our corner if there were a loss, and then tell the rest at end of first trimester. Sometimes it's hard to keep it secret, but also it can be really isolating to not tell your close people. If you would want your MIL's support in the case of a loss then why wait? If you're not ready for that then I like the suggestion above of saying it was postponed due to covid regulations and you're waiting to hear back.
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  • overseasmamaoverseasmama member
    Your reasoning makes total sense to me for keeping it private. I also only like to share with my closest mom friends early on and family comes later. One, because my kids don’t know yet and I think it’s only fair to share with them all at once. Two, because if there’s a loss, I can only really handle my own emotions and I don’t think I could handle the thought of the devastation of my MIL or my family on top of it (though I’m sure they would be supportive too). My friends are supportive in a way that there’s still a separation that doesn’t compound the issue (for me). 
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  • merostomatamerostomata member
    I'm so sorry for your losses :(

    H said something that resonated when I told him I was pregnant. It was a couple days after I had found out because I was waiting for the right time, and I was driving myself nuts keeping the secret. He said that telling a secret is like sharing a heavy weight with another person, rather than holding it all by yourself. I really feel like I'm sharing the load now that I've told him and my best friends. I'm not ready to tell my parents though, since it would be too much for them to "share the load" in the event of a loss. So I'm waiting for things to look good at the 8-week scan before telling most family members. Everyone else will be after the 1st trimester.

    That said, it is 100% personal and completely up to you when to reveal the news. You've dealt with trauma of loss and there's nothing wrong with telling white lies during this time to keep others from suspecting. Second @fichey's suggestion of saying something about Covid protocol, or saying that you're taking a break for now. Hopefully she'll take the hint and stop asking for a little bit :) 


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  • rockstarmomma152rockstarmomma152 member
    I’m doing this solo, so since I don’t have a partner I’ve decided it feels way too isolating to me to not tell some folks. So everyone knows that I’m trying to get pregnant, but not to ask about it, and I have a handful of friends, plus my sister and parents that I keep pretty in the loop about all the ups and downs. I’ve had two CPs, so there are certainly moments that I haven’t been thrilled that some friends are so in the loop. But I’ve just been able to say - don’t ask me about it for a while, and everyone has been super respectful. Most of them wait for me to bring it up. But also they’re all excited and want to know! ☺️ I likely won’t announce to the general *everyone* until after the first trimester.
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  • reirei09reirei09 member
    I think just having this community makes it easier. These forums make a great space to word vomit about pregnancy. I’ve only told my husband, bestie, and my November 2020 mom group. I plan on telling my other bestie as well and that’s it for a while. 

    The Covid white lie is perfect! I also like the “practice makes perfect” line to make people a little uncomfortable lol 
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  • ganmom2ganmom2 member
    iscea said:
    I don't plan to tell family or friends until around 10 weeks, but I've found that I have had to tell strangers like the massage therapist, osteo, and dentist, who all ask the question on the intake forms...! It's so weird that my dentist knows and my mom doesn't 😄
    Omg me tooooooo 🤣 my physio who I'm seeing for knee pain was the first to know lol other than my husband 😬😬😬
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  • jmacd22jmacd22 member
    I have only told my SO and one friend. I have a loss history and not sure if this one will stick. I do have a 14 yo daughter who will probably find out before I start telling people after 13 weeks or so
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  • jbdb23jbdb23 member
    Most of our circle knows we're trying so avoiding alcohol and things is easy because they just assume we are still trying or in TWW. So far only my mom (who accidentally saw the strip pic while scrolling photos) and a waitress from the other day know. My sister is the only one persistently counting my cycle days and talking to my stomach regardless of me telling her 
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  • Australian_girl_in_ParisAustralian_girl_in_Paris member
    Gosh that’s so tough. I’m sorry you had to go thought that. Both my pregnancies have been from IVF. First time around we told quite a few people and I found the constant asking and carrying families hopes very difficult. So we chose to not tell  anyone this the around. We’re lucky that it didn’t take two years this time but worked on the first cycle on the first cycle. But I sort of understand the worry to have to potentially (🙏🙏🙏🤞🤞)tell sad news.

    we haven’t told anyone yet. We will tell our families over the next weeks I think but after the date ultrasound. 

    I think you need to reframe it as not lies but as protecting yourself from potential harm. You’ll tell people when your ready and mostly they’llbe delighted. If anyone asks why you waited to tell them you can say we wanted to tell you in person or we wanted to be sure this time. I think you find most people are just happy for you. 
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