Random Questions/Discussions/Comments - Week 10/20-10/26

scostel2 · October 2021

This is the place for all of your random thoughts/questions/comments, either about pregnancy or not!

huckleberrypie · October 2021

Okay (this might be better in unpopular opinions idk) but I have to get something off my chest.

I am kinda upset and disappointed that so many women still take their husbands' last names as well as the title Mrs. (It's literally spelled like Mr's).

I get there are legit reasons for wanting to leave your last name behind (trauma, abuse, disconnected from family, etc.) but the majority of people are doing it for tradition, convenience, or because they like their husband's name better. And even though those slighter reasons are legit reasons too, I hate that there's no consideration for how making this choice affects society and reflects on women's rights in general. (And yes I know there are SO many more severe things to get upset about from a feminist standpoint, but this one is close to home and happens so often). I also like my husband's last name better than mine, but I didn't take it because I feel like it would be betraying my ideals.

I get the majority of you probably did take your husband's last names and the title of Mrs. when you got married. I can understand it if your values align with more conservative ones, tradition focused / traditional family. But for those who consider themselves progressive / feminist... Why??

huckleberrypie · October 2021

And re the title of Mrs., why in the world in this day and age do we need to know if a woman is married by their title, when men don't change theirs? Big ugh.

KFrob · October 2021

I just want my whole family to have the same last name, nothing more, nothing less. I guess we could have gone the hyphenated both last name route but it just doesn’t matter to me. I didn’t lose myself by changing my name. I wouldn’t consider myself conservative or traditional at all.

Edit to add I know two families where both the husband and wife changed their last name to include both last names hyphenated, so sometimes men do change their name.

KFrob · October 2021

Is anyone else finding the selection of maternity clothes out there wildly disappointing!?

ajsanders-2 · October 2021

@huckleberrypie for me personally, changed mine due to lack of connection with my father and the thinking about keeping it wasn't going to happen because of that. I don't feel I lost myself in anyway when I changed it.

@KFrob - have you looked at thredUP? I ordered a couple maternity items and they are perfect (only ordered some basic stuff right now) I've seen some cute clothes on there, and less expensive! I'm all for thrifting and hand-me-downs!

huckleberrypie · October 2021

@KFrob @ajsanders-2 but even if you don't feel like you've lost anything, don't you think it's an antiquated practice that has sexist roots? I totally get wanting the baby to have the same name or you don't feel connected to your family. My qualm is that people (even my friends that are very well educated and call themselves feminists) didn't even stop to consider if they would be propagating a sexist tradition. Or aside from last names, do you consider yourself a Mrs. or Ms./Mz.? That's the same idea except that for the title change, I can't think of any legit reasons to do it. It's just that people are so used to it and so comfortable with it because that's how it's been done, they don't stop to question it, and we should.

@KFrob For maternity clothing, I haven't started looking yet, but I heard Shein has really good and cheap ones!

LJ623 · October 2021

@KFrob I’m plus sized and having the hardest time finding a good selection of maternity clothes. Thankfully I do have some from last time, but not all is going to work because my due date was January last time…

KFrob · October 2021

@huckleberrypie isn’t marriage itself antiquated and sexist? Why stop at the last name thing? Playing devils advocate.

On the other subject just checked out Shein, they have some super cute cheap stuff!! Thanks for the suggestion.

@ajsanders-2 I haven’t checked there yet but will!

This is my 4th so I have some stuff but also purged a ton bc we thought we were done. Idk if it’s a product of the pandemic but it’s like all sweats. I at least want to cute shirt or sweater to wear with my work at home leggings!

Edit to add the inter webs say Shein is terrible, back to the drawing board!

starkette · October 2021

@huckleberrypie oh I feel this! It's definitely something that feels more like a leftover old societal thing and I hate the Ms/Miss/Mrs labels when men only ever have Mr. regardless of their age/marriage status.

I took my husbands name because I loved it and we knew we wanted children and we wanted one cohesive family name. I think it would be cool if people chose their own family names, but my husband's last name is Stark and it's literally the best last name ever. Before I even met him, I read Game of Thrones back in 2006 and thought "Wow, Stark is a cool last name." and then I met him, fell in love, and dreamt about becoming a Stark. Kinda silly, but that's the truth! haha. I was also raised in a traditional household and I guess some of those archaic ideas stuck with me. I'm older and more progressive, definitely an intersectional feminist, and for me it all comes down to personal choice and not shaming women for their choices. I wasn't forced into it or anything, my husband wouldn't have cared if I kept my last name or if we hyphenated or picked something completely different. I wanted to change it, so I did. Just like I want to be home with my kids. I think the whole idea of feminism is giving women choices and then supporting them in those choices. But it can definitely feel like we are backed into a wall sometimes and that society dictates those choices.

@KFrob OMG YES. And so pricey. I found a cute site the other day (Pink Blush Maternity), but everything was upwards of $40 or more for a single item. It does have Afterpay though so that's something. Amazon and Old Navy have good comfy clothes, though.

KFrob · October 2021

@starkette Preach!

. Also, Pink Blush… sigh. I’ve ordered a few thing from there with one hit and the rest misses. I have a great dress but it’s way too long. (I should probably bring it be be hemmed since heels aren’t happening anymore) Most of the quality isn’t great, especially for the price. I am a big fan of both Old Navy/Gap and H&M maternity normally, I just feel like the selection isn’t great right now.

Also, my husband would have gladly taken the name Stark if it was my last name bc of the Tony and/or GOT association lol

romeoandjuliet146 · October 2021

@KFrob I have gotten some clothes from Motherhood Maternity, Target, Old Navy and Gap.

@huckleberrypie I kept my last name because I prefer it. I can understand what you are saying though like why is it automatically assumed that the kids have the father's last name? My DD has my husband's last name, but my last name is a middle name.

caseys02 · October 2021

@KFrob I'm going to be shopping on Poshmark for most of my maternity. With what I do for work, the clothes will get stained and probably ruined after awhile so used is the way I am going.

For marriage, I was married and chose my husbands last name. I feel now, if I get married again, I won't be taking Zach's last name. My last name makes me proud, I'm part of a well know farming family in our area, and Zach knows this. Our child will have his last name and that is OK with me because it's just a name. I realized this divorcing my ex and it took a lot for me to change my name back because it was my daughters last name. In the end it was just a name and didn't define her or me.

scostel2 · October 2021

huckleberrypie said:

Okay (this might be better in unpopular opinions idk) but I have to get something off my chest.

I am kinda upset and disappointed that so many women still take their husbands' last names as well as the title Mrs. (It's literally spelled like Mr's).

I get there are legit reasons for wanting to leave your last name behind (trauma, abuse, disconnected from family, etc.) but the majority of people are doing it for tradition, convenience, or because they like their husband's name better. And even though those slighter reasons are legit reasons too, I hate that there's no consideration for how making this choice affects society and reflects on women's rights in general. (And yes I know there are SO many more severe things to get upset about from a feminist standpoint, but this one is close to home and happens so often). I also like my husband's last name better than mine, but I didn't take it because I feel like it would be betraying my ideals.

I get the majority of you probably did take your husband's last names and the title of Mrs. when you got married. I can understand it if your values align with more conservative ones, tradition focused / traditional family. But for those who consider themselves progressive / feminist... Why??

Why does it 'upset and disappoint' you that other women make a different choice than you though? It doesn't really have an impact on your life what someone else chooses to do with their name. Feminism is inherently about choice - not being forced to change your name, having the opportunity not to, but also the ability to make the choice to do so. I'd argue that the societal implications on women's rights are..... minimal? At best. The personal is always political, but I think it's a lot weirder to say you're upset and disappointed and to make a sweeping judgement about the reasons other women choose to change their name than it is to make a personal choice to change your name.

KFrob · October 2021

Daycare messaged us this morning to let us know there was a confirmed case of Hand Foot and Mouth Disease

ajsanders-2 · October 2021

@KFrob - oh no! we had that happen last month at our daycare as well. thankfully kiddo did not get it, but we watched her like a hawk!

marionberry19 · October 2021

@KFrob my son had that a few years ago and no one told me shortly after having it he might lose his finger and toe nails & guess what happened?. Scared me to death.

huckleberrypie · October 2021

That's true. I guess I'm upset that most women don't seem to be giving it due consideration at the least. I see my friends posting on social media posing with shirts saying "I'm going to be a Mrs. somebody!" and it just makes me cringe. But feminism is about supporting women's choices and I do need to work on that. 🥺

KFrob · October 2021

@marionberry19 omg, yeah, that's gross and would certainly be a shocker so thanks for letting me know in case we have to deal with it!

marionberry19 · October 2021

Kate Quinn is having a crazy sale right now so I bought a bunch of gender neutral baby clothes. Haven’t even seen the little ones heart beat yet but I have no self control & I'm pregnant now so I’m going to act like it. Stuff can always be sold if the worst happens.

KFrob · October 2021

@marionberry19 I needed you to say that! I bought a bunch of maternity clothes and feel guilty, like some how I'm jinxing it, but you are 100% right!

rn6553 · October 2021

Does anyone have a high stress job that you’re worried about affecting your pregnancy? I work 12 hour shifts as an ER nurse. My pregnancy symptoms are mostly just food aversions and fatigue but nothing debilitating so I’m still working. Also we haven’t told anyone so work doesn’t know. Some days are crazier than others but I had one this week that was pretty out of control and my stress was through the roof. I’ve already requested to go part time but due to staffing shortages I doubt that will be granted. I don’t necessarily feel sick enough to go home or call out but I’m worried about being so stressed and feeling like I’m not taking good care of my pregnancy. Can anyone relate? Help?

daisy0322 · October 2021

@rn6553 Im a SAHM now but i was an RRT at a children’s hospital my last two pregnancies. I worked 12 hour night shifts and frequently was up 27-29 hours straight a few times a week. My OB wasn’t too concerned. She said to sleep when I can, make sure I eat well, and be careful to follow all PPE guidance. For my second I took PTO at 36.5 weeks had the baby at 39 weeks and returned 14 weeks after delivery. I didn’t work super long a few months until I decided to just stay home. My first was a different story I was on bed rest but it was unrelated to work. Both times I was getting 30,000-40,000 steps a day on average at work - two healthy little boys!

RE- last names: Im currently a women’s studies major i find this topic interesting. I chose to take my husbands name because I love being Mrs. E***** and i wanted us to have a family name for our children. I felt no particular attachment to my maiden name I’m not a different person with a new name. I actually even considered changing the spelling of my first name but opted against it. I have no problem if someone want to keep their name. Much like me being a stay at home mom the feminist movement is not to corner us into opposite choices of our foremothers but to open the range of choices we have to live a life that is of our own calling. To say we must fight against what was once expected isn’t a choice at all it is more divisive and stifling.

mauvelousone · October 2021

Today I am mad. I have some reasons to be mad - inconveniences with buying a new house, friends having fun being COVID unsafe without me, being too early in pregnancy to tell anyone - but rather than any of those causing me to be mad, this mad is a nonspecific mad that makes me mad about everything else.

scostel2 · October 2021

@rn6553 I totally feel this. I work in crime victim’s services, our agency provides trauma services for survivors of violent crimes like human trafficking/sexual abuse/DV. It can be really, really high stress/pressure and the days are long. I keep trying to remind myself that I am the only one looking out for this baby right now, and part of that is trying to keep my stress levels down. There are other people who can help at work, but no one else to help her right now. It’s really hard to set those boundaries though, but I’m trying!

katie-seajune_01_2022 · October 2021

I had a hard day yesterday- my first doctors appointment (the 8 week checkup) was cancelled last minute because the provider got sick. They rescheduled me for November 2! It’s just been an agonizing wait for this first appointment, and I had set up dinners with close family this weekend to tr them the big news and share the ultrasound pic.

Today I’m feeling much better - I’m still pregnant, and we can still share the news! I’ll just have to be patient. Good practice for motherhood 😁

re: last names - I’m very liberal and would never have changed my last name. It’s a patriarchal practice, but I don’t judge anyone who makes a different choice for themselves or their family. However, I do hate when people just assume I’m a Mrs ! It happened last weekend.

I’m trying to convince my husband to let the baby have my last name and he can pick the middle name - one of his friend’s wives was successful with this recently which gives me hope!

KFrob · October 2021

@daisy0322 How was your anniversary weekend? Did you wear your new dress?

daisy0322 · October 2021

@KFrob oh we had fun! We tried out a new restaurant but I was so so sick I mainly just enjoyed the break from the kids and getting some alone time with hubby. The dress ended up being a little too long still so i wore a different one but it was actually really cute. Thanks for asking

mturner91 · October 2021

FTM trying to decide between midwife or OBGYN. I am not high risk. Anyone who has had either or both and has thoughts?

KFrob · October 2021

@mturner91 I've always used an OBGYN but at my practice they have a midwife also. I think if I were to use a midwife that would make me feel more comfortable incase something happens and I need a C-section.

huckleberrypie · October 2021

I might be wrong because I don't know that much about midwives. But I'm going with an OBGYN because I want to ask for an elective C-section, and OBGYNs typically have more extensive educations (medical degrees. Some midwives also have extensive education but not all, from what I know). And I absolutely don't want a natural, home, water, etc. kind of birth which I think midwives tend to specialize more in. The thought of squeezing anything that big out of myself and tearing and incontinence etc freaks me out so badly, I won't miss the "birthing experience" at all.

KFrob · October 2021

@huckleberrypie I hate to break it to you but a C-section isn't going to prevent incontinence. That has more to do with just carrying a baby and the pressure and weight, as well as the strength of your pelvic floor and any possible diastasis recti you might have after from your stomach stretching.

huckleberrypie · October 2021

Nooo 😭 diastasis recti, that's another horror story that scares me so bad. I'm tiny so I know I'll get it, it sounds so scaryyyy.

KFrob · October 2021

I’m the same! I’m tiny and my last baby was big blew out my tummy. I found a really great trainer who does videos on how to fix it on YouTube and was making some serious progress before I got knocked up again! So don’t be too freaked out!

marionberry19 · October 2021

I was a size 0 when I got pregnant with my son and I had doctors trying to say I needed a scheduled c-section because there is no way I’d be able to push him out. I fought them and delivered vaginally as there was no way I was having major surgery unless it was necessary and they hadn’t even given me a chance to deliver the way I wanted. My kid was born weighing almost 8lbs(way smaller then they said he was) and 21.5 inches long. He tore me in both directions but I’d much prefer that to stitches all the way across my abdomen. Funny how the fears people have for delivery differ so drastically.

KFrob · October 2021

And you never know how your body will react. DD3 was 8lbs 7oz and I didn’t tear at all. It’s all a crapshoot!

Random Questions/Discussions/Comments - Week 10/20-10/26

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