Scared/sad

courtneyma5611 · September 2021

Thank you for the kind responses. They are greatly appreciated

harpseal135 · September 2021

courtneyma5611 said:

This is very long..

I am pregnant with my fourth, about 3-4 weeks along. This was not necessarily unplanned. I wanted l.. actually begged for another baby for years, but husband said absolutely not. Just as I was accepting that I was “done”, my husband had a change of heart. I was so surprised I stopped birth control without thinking twice and we got pregnant... fast.

I thought I would be excited but I can’t stop crying. My children now are 11, soon to be 7, and soon to be 6. Wow, I didn’t stop to think what an age gap there would be. Why does this feel like I’m “starting over”? How can they possibly ever form a sibling bond with this baby, with such an age gap? What if my older kids feel they’re being “replaced”? This newest child will have 6-7 years home after the last older sibling moves away for college.... and is it awful that I’m feeling resentment towards my husband for saying no all these years and now, much later decides he would like another? I know, I should have stopped to think but I didn’t.

I have cried every night since finding out. I found out this last Saturday, told my husband the same night. I cried, really cried, and told him I was scared, I think I asked “What were we thinking?” He basically said this wasn’t how he expected me to act and that “we don’t have to follow through with this if I don’t want to”. We haven’t talked about it since. It’s now Tuesday evening. I don’t even know how to bring it up again? Why wouldn’t he? This just all feels so heavy.

I crawled in with my 5 year old while he was asleep the other night and just held him and sobbed and said “I’m sorry” over and over. I thought for so long he was my forever baby, I almost feel I am betraying him..

Sorry this was a really long word vomit/vent. I really needed to get these things off my chest and hopefully find some support here. Thank you for sticking with me. I’m sorry if anything I said is offensive to anyone, but please, kind replies only. I am not in the headspace to receive harsh opinions or criticism. If you would be willing to share, I’d like to hear of how your family has spaced out babies, if a situation like mine, was it ok? Has anyone else felt this sad?

I will be blunt- please seek counseling.

Is it because you thought you wouldn't get pregnant right away so you are more shocked than anything?

Your 5/6 year old will always be your baby, not necessarily the youngest. My mom calls all three of us adult her babies, yet

your kids will always be your babies, not necessarily the youngest.

There are larger gaps of siblings than 5 years, and it worked well. You just need to make it work yourself and family... Sorry, but your kids are not being "replaced" you are building the family, if you are positive about it your kids will be more accepting of another sibling - though not necessarily right away, so be prepared for that...

If you truly want to terminate - dig DEEP with your husband and be sure that there is no deep regret. Especially if it is something you said you have wanted, he didn't but changed his mind/is ready and you back out in this manner. He may seem supportive by suggesting but the animosity may still be there and he may be very very hurt, even if he "agrees" to follow through. So, if you want to go down this road, you need to address it, not him!

He probably is not asking because he doesn't want to do it.

So, again, ill go back to my first sentence: seek counseling.

katb2021 · September 2021

You should be happy u r pregnant and feel blessed. A lot of us on this page are first time moms and are very excited. Some are pregnant after a miscarriage and pray for this pregnancy to stick this time. I m sorry I can’t relate to why u r crying if u wanted a baby.

lelkcot · September 2021

I would like to second the suggestion that you speak with a therapist. Pregnancy hormones often heighten emotions and can make it that much harder to wrap your head around adding to your family. It is not uncommon for there to be some sense of "what have I done, this changes everything" once that test turns (there have been other threads here along those lines). As the PP said, you are not replacing any of your children or even displacing your youngest as your baby.
I hope you can find some support and guidance as you and your husband move forward, good luck.

wishiwaspreggo · September 2021

I have a friend who has kids who are 17 and 18, and she just had a baby (her first two sons were born when she was a teenager). She's perfectly happy as are her boys. Your kids may be excited to welcome a new sibling. Be sure to make time to be with all of them separately once in a while... I have a different relationship/bond with each of my kids. I thought I was being unfair bringing twins to the family when my oldest was 3/4 and thought he'd feel resentful but he loves "his babies." They're 2 now and they follow him around like little minions. It's adorable. Plus they have their own little friendship and it's a lot of fun.

If you always wanted a 4th kid you'll figure it out. Yeah, there's a bit of an age gap but it's not the end of the world. My mom is really close to her aunt, who is 10 years older than her so she was more like a big sister than anything else. Age differences matter less than personality and how they bond. The only suggestion I have is do your best not to make the baby your kids' responsibility. I've had friends growing up who resented their parents for making them raise their siblings. Not saying that's what you'd do but I get how tempting it would be if you have a teen/tween and you're exhausted and want a break so you ask your kids to deal with the baby.

loveanddatadriven · September 2021

@courtneyma5611 I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad right now. I’m in first tri, too, and often have sadness about changing the dynamic of our special little family. I worry about how my older child will adjust. All those feelings co-exist with being excited for our new baby. I second talking to a counselor if your difficult feelings continue.

As for the age gap, my brother is 7 years older than me and it worked out great! We love each other. So many advantages. First - older children get more attention in early years because attention isn’t being split with one extra baby. Age gap provides relief to the younger child to not feel like they have to compete or be exactly like the older sibling(s). Teachers are less likely to directly compare the kids in school.

As for the older children going to college years before the youngest, that was the best part for me. I had years building a great relationship with my parents and my parents really leaning into guiding me during those tough teen years. They had time to take me to music lessons, teach me to drive, and talk about plans for college. I’m so close to my parents because of that time.

Finally, as adults, it was fun to be clearly in different stages of life from my brother. He had kids first, and I LOVED being the cool young aunt who babysat. I also benefited from all of his furniture/kitchen gadget hand-me-downs in college.

inthewoods23 · September 2021

Not my own experience but a friend's.

She had a child young when she was 20 and was a single mom for years. That child is now 8 and her and her husband had a baby last year and let me tell you, her toddler cannot get ENOUGH of his older sister. They freaking love each other and it's adorable.

I know many people don't like huge age gaps for their kids, but from what I've seen, when a child is that much other than their younger sibling they really enjoy being able to help out with taking care of the baby.

paytonpedro · September 2021

I think these ladies gave you sound advice and that you should seek counseling.

I just came to chime in that I have 3 siblings- myself 29, my sister 27, my brother 24, my other brother 22. I’m closest with my youngest brother.
How is the relationship with your current youngest and oldest? They have a similar age gap. Ultimately whatever you choose to do is up to you but I strongly suggest talking it out first with a professional, with or without your husband. And after seeing your first reaction, that’s probably why your husband isn’t bringing it up again. It’s on you to bring it up if you want to discuss it more with him.

Lisa3379 · September 2021

I also think you should seek counseling, and I hope that you're taking that advice well, as it sounds like everyone here has offered that advice from a place of support. I'll tell you, I had similar thoughts (maybe not as intense) when I became pregnant with my second kid, and he was absolutely planned. I looked at my first, who was 14 months at the time, and started second-guessing the decision to bring another baby into the mix. Like my relationship with my first was just getting awesome, we were starting to do so much together, and now we had only so much time left to spend together before the new one came. My boys are now almost 5 and almost 3, and I wouldn't go back on that decision to have another for all the money in the world, and the time I do spend with my oldest is still great! If it wasn't for Covid, I would be doing a lot more with each kid one on one, but yeah, that's kinda hard to do right now.

I'm currently pregnant with our third, again, super planned - we even went through IVF for this one! - and I still have those feelings here and there. Everything's going so well, so smoothly, what did we just do?! I can only think to myself that hey, I had these feelings before, and look - everything turned out fine.

As far as the age gap, my brother and I are over 5 years apart - I'm the older one. We were SUPER close for years! Probably until I turned 11 or 12, when all girls become evil preteens and hate everyone anyway

I don't think there's any reason your kids CAN'T have a bond with the new baby, same for the fact that being close in age doesn't always guarantee those kids will be close. You get what I'm saying? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and you definitely need to talk things out with your husband at the very least, but seeing someone on the outside to help sort out your feelings would be an important step, too.

swizzlemalarkey · September 2021

@courtneyma5611 it’s normal to have all of the feelings in the beginning. It’s a big change even if it’s something you’ve always wanted.its scary! And that’s okay. But what’s done is done so there’s really no use in thinking about all of that and making yourself upset over it. Get all of it out of your system and try to think about the positives.like the fact that you’re getting the baby You’ve wanted for years!! Your children will be fine & why would they ever feel replaced? There’s plenty of big age gaps that work just fine. Calm down, focus on the good & exciting parts of bringing a new baby into the family. If you still feel this way in a couple weeks, def seek counseling to discuss options.

newbiemama22 · September 2021

I’m 32 years old, the second oldest. My siblings ages are 33, 30, 26, 21, and 6. (My parents have been divorced my dad married a younger woman some years later and had the 6 year old). We are all so close! There’s not a sibling I don’t talk to almost every other day despite living states always too. We are also so involved with our 6 year old brother and love him to death. Don’t let the age gap make you feel bad. I promise as the sibling whose much older than several of my siblings I have a great bond and couldn’t imagine it any other way!

hopingfornmbr3at40 · December 2021

I had my daughter at 18. She’s now 22 and my son is almost 18. My daughter just had a baby in June of this year and guess what? I’m pregnant! I had two failed marriages where I wanted more kids and it didn’t work out. I met my bf and he’s 10 years younger with no kids. We let things happen and we are expecting. So to me, I am definitely “starting over”. But I don’t look at it like that. It’s more a continuation of the life I wanted and now have the person in my life to live it with! Oh and I’m 40. ☺️

linnie128 · January 2022

I’m experiencing my rainbow baby after 2 losses. My husband’s children will be 17 and 20 when the baby arrives. They’re excited. Oddly, we have 10, 14, and 16 year age gaps with our own siblings too. And his brother’s kids are soon to be 5, 23, 25, and 30. My nieces, almost 18 and 22, will be considered aunts. This little one will have an army of protection and be spoiled. You have to decide what’s right for you.

meagan822 · January 2022

@courtneyma5611 I think counseling would be so very beneficial to you and anyone else feeling this way. That may be a big step, but you will feel heard and sound advice among shock and hormones would be beneficial and would likely strengthen your family as well. With your mindset how it is, I think having someone you can continue seeing through the postpartum phase may help you get back on your feet.

As far as being scared or shocked at times, that is normal! My husband and I chose months we would and would not try, factoring in life happenings along the way (example: I felt it best to avoid being due the weekend my best friend got married as I am helping with the wedding and a bridesmaid.) So we were used to feeling like we had some control of when things would happen.. But then when we got that positive test, it’s SO REAL. We have a date when the baby will likely be here. I’m in the midst of the nausea. We have the appointments. It’s not just a fantasy or what we imagined in our dreams. It’s happening right now and is no longer adaptable to our future plans. Once it happens there is no going back to “before.” It’s a forever change no matter what takes place. This is now our future. That’s a lot to process. It’s our first baby. We haven’t done this before. Sometimes if you overthink it, it’ll be scary. Slowly we’ll grow bigger than we know and we’ll have more joy and love than what we thought possible.

As far as the age gap goes? I’ve seen kids with a decade of space be closer than twins. I was thrilled when I was 4 and old enough to be my baby brother’s pretend “momma” I could pick him up and I was so happy I felt like he was just for me. We have the closest relationship, despite having a sibling between us. I was most excited about the sibling I was old enough to enjoy as a baby. My mom cared about spacing. I don’t. I wish the focus was just to be taught to love each other. I agree as stated above, let your kids help, but don’t make them feel too much responsibility of the baby. So when they’re teenagers, maybe pay to babysit and when they have friends over, keep the toddler out of their room. This will help the older siblings see the little one positively all the time and want to be around him. Also your heart will just melt seeing your baby holding a baby with so much love. This little one growing inside you is going to want to be loved and protected by all his big siblings.

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