ST+M AMA (Ask Me Anything)

krash_ · January 2021

I thought this would be fun since our board seems slow!

FTM's this is your place to ask ST+M's anything. I mean ANYTHING! Pregnancy, birth, postpartum, the good, the bad and the ugly! I'd also say ST+M's feel free to share something about your experience that no one told you about or that surprised you. Also, keep in mind everyone's experience is different, even from one pregnancy to the next for the same mom, so take in all the possibilities but know that you will have your own stories to tell.

This isn't meant to be scare you or "just you wait" from ST+M's but you have questions and this is what a community of moms is for. No question is stupid or too gross or silly.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/S64cXPBLxooflgS34H/giphy.gif

krash_ · January 2021

I'll start with some thing no one told me about, the shakes. I don't know if was an epidural thing but I have heard people who have unmedicated births mention it too but for hours after giving birth I. could. not. stop. shaking. I was wrapped in three blankets and sipping hot water but I wasn't even cold I just couldn't stop and it got super annoying. I didn't even have my baby with me, Idk how I could have held him with how much I was shaking. The nurses said it was totally normal and it would wear off.

emeraldcity1214 · January 2021

@krash_ I don’t think I have ever had the shakes like that. Half of my births have been unmediated and half medicated with an epidural. I have had episodes of shaking during transition when I haven’t had an epidural. That was weird because it was something I couldn’t control and my body was shaking so hard I was coming off the bed.

I would like to encourage all the FTM who want to EBF to read up on it and learn everything there is to know. Learn everything from cluster feeding to specific holds for a newborn. Cluster feeding is when a baby wants to nurse and nurse and nurse. It’s how they get your milk to come in and it happens when they are going through a growth spurt. It doesn’t mean you don’t have enough milk (Although, some women do experience that but it’s more rare). I didn’t know what cluster feeding was with my first and I assumed I wasn’t able to give him enough milk and ended up switching to formula. There isn’t anything wrong with formula but once I had my second and I read up on BF and learned about it I felt cheated out of the experience with my first. I will say EBF is way more work on the front end but once you get out of the newborn stage and they start sleeping longer stretches it’s way easier.

Edit: fix autocorrect

chewie5990 · January 2021

During my first pregnancy/birth I wish someone would be told me to have a plan B,C,D,E, and F. I had a super boring pregnancy and no "risk" factors. I was young, healthy, and I was fully 100% expecting to have a normal birth experience. Well, I ended up having a c-section and had to make a bunch of decisions super quickly without having time to really think about what I wanted. I wish I would have at least research c-sections a little bit so that I could have advocated for myself, my care, and my baby's care in that moment.

sleepydaze · January 2021

@chewie5990 I agree! I also assumed I wouldn't be having a c section (now have had 2, both emergency), and totally zoned out of most of that section of my birthing class as I didnt think it applied to me. There was almost no info for me for recovery afterwards. So even just reading up a little bit in advance can help you feel a bit calmer if you end up in that situation, especially if other issues are happening at the same time (ex with baby).

Some people will say "sleep when the baby sleeps". This sounds great, but with DD, by the time I realized she was sleeping, she was nearly awake again (lots of 20 minute naps). Meanwhile my friend with the same age baby was snagging 3 hour naps! So if you can't get naps due to baby's sleep schedule, please please please, find someone you feel comfortable watching baby for a couple hours a week and use that time to catch up! Or ask your partner to watch baby on the weekend for a few hours while you sleep in. Some of us turn crazy with sleep deprivation and you will be amazed at how "like your old self" you feel after a great nap.

CanadianGamerMom · January 2021

@krash_ I don't really remember having this issue after my first (my only medicated labour/delivery - epidural) but after my boys I remember being freezing and shaking so badly. I was covered in multiple heated blankets and taking forever to stop shaking and be warm again.

One thing that I had heard of but never really realized how important it was until my second kid, is learning how to breath through the pain and transitions. Prenatal yoga really helped with that. One tip, is you want to make deeper noises. The screaming and high pitched noises won't help your progession and pain.

Also research all the different things about birth (medications, tools, labouring options, as well as anything c-section related). Literally anything can happen, and you should arm yourself with knowledge to make it as close to the best experience as you can.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2021

I really enjoyed the numbing spray you get to take home from the hospital. All that aftercare stuff was kind of shocking to me and I didn’t think I’d feel so bad the first week or two home.

I though the transition from 0-1 kid was a lot harder than from 1-2 kids, but DS2 was (and is) a pretty chill kid.

Breastfeeding for me was either incredibly difficult or super easy. DS1 was hard to latch on and we eventually switched to formula. DS2 got it right away. Both boys lost almost 10% of their body weight before my milk came in and that’s normal! I didn’t lose ANY weight until 6 months after DS2 was born even though I was EBF.

I can’t really remember what else I wish I had known the first time now that I’m two kids deep 🤦‍♀️

emeraldcity1214 · January 2021

@whatabout2ndbreakfast I also hold on to weight when I’m BF. When baby takes off with solids it starts to come off but it won’t budge before then.

mouseymotherpucker · January 2021

@krash_ I’m always cold, and I do remember shaking but at the time I attributed it to the cold. I’ve been binging ‘one born every minute’ on Prime lately, and there are so many moms who go through the shaking. They spent a chunk of time talking about it in one of the early first season episodes.

@CanadianGamerMom yes, the research is key! I felt confident going in that I had an idea of what I wanted/what was needed of me should anything arise.

@whatabout2ndbreakfast that spray is amazing!

I would say listen and take in the help that’s offered while you are in hospital. For me, I was shy and embarrassed about asking for help. I didn’t attend the BF class that was offered daily while in hospital, and I think if I had then I may have discovered his tongue tie sooner and saved us from some of our BF issues.

gutsysneakers · January 2021

If you don’t have the Disney experience that every movie depicts about loving your baby at first sight...that is okay. I repeat, there is nothing wrong with you. If you wish you could turn back time because this is not what you expected and you feel guilty for thinking that, that is okay too. If at any point, anyone has these feelings and want to talk from someone who has experienced them before, I’d be here for you. Sometimes it takes time but let me be clear, I have a deep, unconditional love for both my children now.

nasalot188 · January 2021

@krash_ I had unmedicated births and also shaked like crazy afterwards! It's definitely a weird uncontrollable feeling.

I suffered severe post partum anxiety with both kids and I definitely wasn't expecting it. I would just make sure you take care of YOU after birth and don't try to be a hero. Ask for help, take a shower, get outside for fresh air. And talk to someone if you're feeling down, can't sleep/sleep too much etc.

I also second having an open mind about labour and delivery. You can plan for an epidural and have no time and no choice but to do it unmedicated, you can plan vaginal delivery and end up with an emergency C etc. Its definitely good to have a plan but be open minded and don't beat yourself up if it goes differently!

sleepydaze · January 2021

@Jcrewgirl85 yes!!! After hearing about all these moms who bonded right away, I did not bond with DD for months (likely had PPD on top of a somewhat traumatic birth), and felt like a terrible person for it. I love that little girl to bits now! Sometimes it takes time, you're just getting to know your new little one, and motherhood is overwhelming. I ironically bonded with DS instantly, but I love both my kiddos the same. It's ok for bonding to take time!

deziraywatt · January 2021

I think the weirdest thing for me was how much I needed to be reminded to breath during labour.

Also that early labour contractions felt like period cramps. I didn't even realize I was in labour for like 5 hours because I expected contractions to feel like a tightening sensation. Slowly they would get stronger and more frequent. In the hundreds of articles I read none of them compared the feeling to period cramps.

emeraldcity1214 · January 2021

@deziraywatt Agree about the period cramps. My water has broken with all but 1 of my labors. I had no clue what was happening because my contractions were not painful and I could talk through them. I was already dilated to a 7 and they stripped my membranes at the office to kick start things because I was so far along. I was sitting on the couch sweating and going pale and my mom was like, “you need to go to the hospital.” She made DH take me because I was so far along but I could easily breathe through all my contractions.

That story reminds me of something else, dilation means nothing. I have been 7 cm dilated with no active labor in sight and 2.5 cm dilated in active labor and everything in between (5 full term deliveries). I got my hopes up at 36 weeks that labor was around the corner because I was dilated to a 3 and the OB said it will happen soon. It didn’t happen for another 5 weeks. It means nothing.

Aerialmrs · January 2021

I have two very important things that I still think are very valuable 6 years later!

1. If you plan to breastfeed, or pump for that matter, search now for resources, specifically a local breastfeeding support group and lactation consultants. The beginning is so hard to figure out, but I do think it's worth it to keep trying if that's what you really want to do. You will want some help in the beginning, and it does get easier most of the time. I found such an amazing community in my local breastfeeding support group. I went religiously every week for over a year after my son was born. These ladies became my friends, and they (along with the LC who hosted it) helped me wean from a nipple shield, became my first sounding board for telling my birth story (in tears, obviously), procure donor milk when my son wasn't gaining weight, and just became my first real group of mom friends. It was wonderful, I hope I get to experience a group like that again!

2. Postpartum Depression. I think it is brought up frequently in prenatal classes and books and STMs do bring it up and try to prepare FTMs for it, but it's so hard to understand what it might feel like. I guess, keep it on your radar, and TALK TO YOUR PARTNER. Mine felt like an identity crisis. I had imagined myself transforming into a mother and really enjoying every minute with my baby. I thought I wanted to quit working and be a stay-at-home-mom. I did that, and it just ended up making me feel empty. I loved my son, but I no longer felt like myself, and that wasn't my expectation of what PPD might be like, so it didn't occur to me for way too long that that's what was going on.

3. Ok 1 more, don't bring a ton of sh*t to the hospital. You will barely open the bag. I guess in COVID times if opportunities to have things delivered or your partner having limited opportunities to leave this might be different, but I brought entirely too much stuff into the delivery room and I just felt dumb! You really don't need much! And your baby especially doesn't need much. Like one outfit to leave in and the car seat, that's it. No diapers, wipes, pacifiers, lotions, nursing pillow, blankets, nothing. Don't bring a diaper bag!

krash_ · January 2021

I thought of another thing, be prepared to be induced. There are so many scenarios where you could have to be induced, for me it was pre-e and IUGR, but you could just be overdue too. There are multiple ways to be induced and some drs or midwives prefer to do a slow induction. I personally didn't like that and would advocate for a faster induction if I need to be induced again. I started with cervical ripening, then a foley bulb (a balloon is inserted into the cervix and filled with water as well as a second balloon in the vagina basically sandwiching the cervix, different than a cook catheter that just has the one balloon in the cervix), then later Pitocin. I was still trying to do an unmedicated labor through the induction and probably waited too long to get the epidural. From the time I was admitted and started cervidil to when DS was born was over 36 hours.

chewie5990 · January 2021

@krash_ I also had a 36+ hour induction and it sucked! It also resulted in a c-section because DS1 had absolutely no intentions on ever leaving the womb!

muggsd · January 2021

@Aerialmrs not all hospitals give you everything you need! (Canadian) hospitals give you like one diaper and a couple pads. So I would say research/ask what they give you so you know what you need to bring for you and baby!

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2021

STM with 3+ kiddos, how bad is going from 2 to 3? Am I totally screwed with taking them all places alone?

gutsysneakers · January 2021

whatabout2ndbreakfast said:

STM with 3+ kiddos, how bad is going from 2 to 3? Am I totally screwed with taking them all places alone?

Need to know this too. My kids will be 5 and 7 so I’m assuming the ages of kids make a big difference as well. Probably better than 1 and 2 years old?

JustAnotherUsername16 · January 2021

Here's a piece of unsolicited advice: give yourself some grace when it comes to feeding your baby. I was so set on breastfeeding that I refused to ever give up. Even after 6 months of pumping, breastfeeding consultants, medical intervention, etc. I never made more than an ounce out of one breast. I cried more tears than I could count and felt like an utter failure. I had a few extreme EBF friends who kept telling me that "any breast milk is better than none" which fueled my insanity to keep trying. My nipples bled. My supply never got better. I kept saying "in another time, my baby would die because I can't feed her" and finally at DDs 4mo checkup a nurse at my pediatricians office got real with me and told me to stop beating myself up. She explained how far formula had come and how my baby needed ME more than my boobs. She said "forget 'breast is best'. Focus on 'fed is best' because your baby is doing WELL and that's all that matters"

I needed to hear that more than I could imagine. This is NOT to hate on EBF mommas - I have a great deal of respect and admiration for breastfeeding. I am only sharing my story in case it becomes relevant for anyone else after childbirth that struggles with breastfeeding. The thing you baby needs most in this world is YOU, momma. No matter how you are able to provide for them, you are still providing.

chewie5990 · January 2021

Also going from 2 to 3 and would love to know what your thoughts are? I've heard 2 to 3 is easier than 1 to 2 but I feel like being outnumbered has to be tough!

sleepydaze · January 2021

@muggsd yes so true! They only gave me one mesh underwear both times after a c section and refused to give me more even after I soaked through. But I'm so grateful we have the health care we do as I assumed I would be out of pocket for the c sections and wasn't (yay Canada!).

@JustAnotherUsername16 this is so true! DH thought I was crazy for continuing to pump 3+ times a night and maybe 5 times a day even months after having DD but I felt so much guilt about "breast is best" and how much the pump cost when we were short on cash that I didn't want to switch to formula. If I had switched, or done half of each, I think I would've been a way more patient and kind mom because I would be getting the rest I badly needed. A side note - I saw a picture of a rubber nipple from like 1000ish years ago so even then they had to do BF substitutes! Our Kenyan friends use formula if they can afford it and goats milk if they can't, so the BF struggle has been for moms across time and across the world!

Centralmnmom · January 2021

I don't remember getting the shakes...if I did they weren't that bad or I blocked it out. I had one dose of pain meds when I started transition because I was puking from the pain.

I was never a sleep when the baby sleeps person. That was my time to get stuff done around the house.

I agree with the don't over pack for the hospital. All I needed for the baby was going home outfit and car seat.

My biggest advice is take the help when offered and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. My daughter was a horrible eater. I joked it seemed like she thought she could live on air. We would both get so frustrated. Letting someone else take over is what we both needed.

emeraldcity1214 · January 2021

@whatabout2ndbreakfast I take all my kids everywhere by myself all the time. We hike mountains or shop all day at the mall. You name it, we do it. My husband works a lot so I just go and do what I want. I even go out to eat with them by myself because I really enjoy going to restaurants. My kids are very well behaved when I take them out. On the days they aren’t I take them home. What are you worried about? Grocery shopping? Babywear the baby, put the toddler in the seat of the cart, and let the big kid ride in the back or walk next to you. I even put all my kids to bed most nights with no help. It’s all about building a routine and rhythm of doing things. If you do it the same way with you kids they just fall in line because it’s routine and they know what they should be doing.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2021

@emeraldcity1214 thank you! I guess I was just wondering in general what the more difficult transitions are going from 2-3.

emeraldcity1214 · January 2021

@whatabout2ndbreakfast I felt like going from 1-2 was harder (for me it was my 3rd but my first 2 were so far apart it felt like going from 1-2). You can’t sleep in with the baby after a long night of cluster feeding. The sleep deprivation is so much worse. I always arrange for my MIL to be around the first few weeks so I can sleep and just nurse the baby. Plus I like someone there with them so they are feeling loved with lots of attention because that’s not a time I can give them that. With my last baby my toddler wouldn’t have anything to do with me. She wouldn’t even come near me she was so mad about the baby. It passed after a week or so but that stung. When she was born, my toddler at the time seemed fine about her being around but around month 3 he started acting out bad. Then he and his older sister excluded her for years and she spent all her time trying to catch up to them and be more like them. She is my most independent child. All that to say, there are difficult things about both but they are different. With your 3rd you know what to expect with a baby and other small kids but you also have to deal with their reactions. Same when adding the second I guess. My oldest daughter just never seemed to mind. She is laid back though.

whatabout2ndbreakfast · January 2021

@emeraldcity1214 that is a good point about personalities. DS1 was excited for a little brother, and is still asking for more brothers lol. But MH was always his favorite. DS2 is more easygoing than DS1, but he was and is very much a mama-baby. We’ll see!

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