New & Feeling Scared — The Bump

New & Feeling Scared

Hi there,

I’m Lou. 32, married, and according to the standards of modern medicine, perfectly healthy. I’m sure my story is repetitive, but I hope it’s okay to share it anyway.

My husband and I were NTNP for 2 full years and I always thought it was odd that nothing happened. Then we TTC the good old fashioned way for 13 months. Midway through our efforts I got a little more scientific about it, bought OPK tests, downloaded an app, and started tracking meticulously. I also jumped on Weight Watchers and lost 20lbs (5’3”, 145lbs). Still nothing.

My RE ran blood tests (genetic and hormonal), an HSG, an ultrasound, and some kind of super ultrasound that created a 3D model of my uterus. DH, also 32 and perfectly healthy (5’9”, 175lbs), got the standard tests done too. We didn’t just pass - we passed with flying colors. It didn’t make any sense.

I just wrapped up 2 back-to-back IUIs. DH wasn’t allowed in with me. I felt very alone. I worked with a very inexperienced nurse who jammed me 3 times with 3 different speculums before calling in someone experienced who did it in 30 seconds.

They forgot to tell me to grab a sample cup for DH as I was leaving. They forgot to tell me we shouldn’t do the BD 72 hours before the insemination. Increasingly, I’ve been feeling that my RE isn’t taking me that seriously. He sees the good test results and my relative youth and his attitude seems to just be like, “You’ll be fine.” Is he not seeing the 3 years of unprotected BD and two failed IUIs?

Speaking of which, neither IUI worked.

I’m on the second day of the birth control pill on the path to starting IVF. I’m seeking out this community because nobody I know seems to be struggling with a similar situation. Everyone is pregnant happily, wonderfully, and usually as a surprise - and then there’s me. I can see my pregnant best friend pitying me, walking on eggshells around me, and I can’t seem to talk to her anymore. I’m not strong enough to fake it. I’m just mad, and that, in turn, makes me feel the deepest, darkest guilt.

No one can explain it. No one can give me the data I need to understand why this is happening. And while I know I’m jumping ahead, all I can painfully think about is that I have six shots at IVF (per my insurance) and then that’s it. I’m out of luck to start a family. Nobody will be able to explain why. I’ve never felt so helpless and I’m not used to tackling life from this weak, scared place. And I’m here because I need some help.

Re: New & Feeling Scared

  • @thezaltyberger Hi and welcome! Everyone can attest that you are definitely in the right place to get emotional support, advice, “let it all out” and vent, complain or cry. People on this forum are like minded and j seedy and the struggle because we all in a way walk this difficult path of IF and been there ☺️
    Join some of the monthly threads, they usually stay pretty active. I assume you have your ER in Jan-Feb? 
  • Thank you so much @dukie001 !!! I’ll do just that. It’ll be in January it seems, I have a follow-up on Jan 4 when I think I’ll know more. Not too much communication from the doctor before than other than starting me on birth control pills. Hopefully I didn’t miss anything - something else I’m constantly panicking about!
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  • @thezaltyberger I’ve definitely been there, with the bitterness toward all my friends who seem to get pregnant so easily. I’m 32 as well, so I’m guessing you’re like me and a ton of your friends are all going for it now too. Some of mine have had 2 kids in the time we’ve been trying. And the unexplained infertility is rough. I sometimes feel like it would be easier to handle if the answer was just that it was never going to happen instead of the maybes. 

    I don’t really have useful advice, but this place is great for the support and positive thoughts. 
  • dukie001dukie001 member
    edited December 2020
    @thezaltyberger yes, I haven’t seen my RE very often too, but the nurse was very responsive (same day responses). Do you have a direct line to your nurse?
  • Honestly @sawasap you sharing a bit about yourself is a lot of comfort to me!!! It makes me feel less alone. DH is wonderful, but even though it’s him and me trying, it feels like I need the support of women in the same boat to really get through this. Wishing you luck and strength!!!
  • Thankfully yes @dukie001!! They are very responsive and proactively called to check the day of my cycle and have me start birth control in day 3. They also sent me a bunch of documentation and videos. I got confused because some of the videos said I’d possibly be on other ovulation suppressants other than just birth control but the nurse never mentioned anything like that. Think that’s normal?
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