PGAL Check in 10/22

_orchid_ · October 2020

This thread is for anyone who has experienced loss at any point in pregnancy or experienced the loss of a child. ((Please feel free to share your loss story if you haven’t already.)) Also a general TW (trigger warning) in that previous losses will likely be discussed in this thread.

How far along are you?

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)?

Any upcoming appointments?

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy?

_orchid_ · October 2020

My story: natural mcs at 7w in both July 2012 and July 2019. Early loss (cp?) at 5w in march 2020. My first loss in 2012 was extremely traumatic- it was my first pregnancy and had developed enough that I passed a sac, which was painful and I was able to hold it in my hand. Fortunately/unfortunately the other losses didn't develop as far so were less traumatic.

How far along are you? 4+1
How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Ok... Still in disbelief that I'm here. Doesn't feel real yet. I'm generally very unattached until I see the HB, which makes me feel guilty about not being excited when I lose the pregnancy. Not feeling much yet physically other than some light cramping and super congestion!!

Any upcoming appointments? More bw and an early US next Wednesday @ 5w. Betas have been rising appropriately so it's nice to have some confirmation.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? Anything chocolate! I generally don't like chocolate with nuts but make exceptions for snickers and 100 grands

laurad75 · October 2020

I'm so glad this thread is here. Thank you @_orchid_
How far along are you? 4+5
How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? I have all the classic symptoms - sore boobs, on/off queasiness/ super tired. Mentally I'm feeling okay but I've just started the wait in between betas and ultrasound and I think it's going to be difficult to wait for the ultrasound on 11/9
Any upcoming appointments? First ultrasound on 11/9
GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? I love candy corn. I'll eat it until I get a stomach ache.

My loss history (I put it in a spoiler because it's really long - so sorry)

We did all the IVF things with no success (low egg reserve and I was over 40) until we decided to use donor egg. Once we made that decision it was all good news. We did a fresh transfer in Dec of 2017 and our son was born the following August. The following spring I had recently stopped breast feeding so didn't think anything of it when I missed a period. About 4 weeks later I was spotting and thought it was my period but then I was bleeding much more than normal. It was really scary and I couldn't imagine that it could be a MC - I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant but I took a HPT and it was positive. An ultrasound determined I had in fact been pregnant and lost the pregnancy. It was really emotionally confusing since I had not even known I was pregnant. Also, I had to go on BCP since apparently I could get pregnant but I likely can't have a baby naturally.

Some time later we decided to do a FET (the donor cycle gave us 8 frozen embryos in addition to the fresh). I was not surprised at all to get pregnant right away with the first FET. I had great betas but the first ultrasound they were not able to get a consistent heart rate and it was low (98ish I think). They told us not to panic and we would do another us the following week. That one looked much better and they discovered that there were 2 heartbeats. The transferred embryo split and I was carrying identical twins. My husband did not respond to that well and I was really scared but we were told that the babies looked good and we would do one more US with the RE before graduation. The following week we had the 3rd US and there were no heartbeats. It was devastating after the roller coaster we had been on. I had a D&E the week before Christmas. The embryo tissue was tested and tested positive for trisomy 13.

We did a 2nd transfer in May of this year which was a BFN and then a 3rd transfer in July. I'm going to pause here to share that I have a list of all my frozen embryos, their grade and storage spot. I had been looking at the list the night before my transfer and assumed they were putting in a 4AB that appeared to be the next best graded. When I went in for the transfer they told me that the 4AA they were going to put in did not survive the thaw so they were putting in a 4BA. For some reason that bothered me but I assumed the embryologist knew what she was doing and I got over it (this is relevant later). I got a positive test late (9dp5dt) and a very low positive beta that did double but then went down so it was diagnosed a biochem pregnancy. That sucked but what was super annoying is that my hCG wouldn't go down so I had to go in for extra testing and eventually had to get an injection of methotrexate to get rid of whatever tissue was lingering giving off the hormone.

My 4th transfer was 10/8 and they transferred the 4AB. I feel so strongly that this is the embryo that is going to be my take home baby so while I am certainly anxious and suffering from loss PTSD, I am also very hopeful.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@laurad75 I'm so sorry for your losses. It sounds like you guys have been on a rollercoaster. FX this is your 🌈! I am definitely a believer in signs so I think your connecting with 4AB was meant to be. I had some dreams with my July '19 and March '20 losses that make me think this time is a go- in both those dreams I had visits from MH's and my grandmas (who have passed) that told me I'd have 3 positive tests before a THB, and then 2 positive tests before a THB. at the time I thought it had to do with how many tests I had at home to test with, but I'm wondering if they were letting me know i'd have losses but that it would work out.

akoros · October 2020

Thanks for setting this up @_orchid_! I'm so sorry for your losses. Also sorry for your losses and struggles, @laurad75. My first loss was also over the holidays (Dec 30th for me)

My story: TFMR in December 2019 due to trisomy 21 and cystic hygroma and a MMC at 15 weeks this past July

How far along are you? 4+2

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Physically mostly just bloating. Mentally/emotionally surprisingly good so far. For pregnancy #2 I was a nervous wreck when I first found out and then was just numb until about 12 weeks. Right now I'm just feeling "what will be will be" acceptance. All that said, I'm not yet convinced this will actually work out, it'll take me a long time to get there and be ready to really prepare in earnest (i.e. tell people, buy stuff).

Any upcoming appointments? Nov 12th to confirm

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? Kit Kats

tilournextadventure · October 2020

Thanks @_orchid_ for setting this up.

Story: had a MC at 6+3. Was in severe pain and bled very heavy for a week. Day 2 of bleeding I had back pain and eventually a sac came out. That was incredibly hard to see but it was confirmation I had mc'd as the Dr would not see me because of covid. They told me there was nothing they could do to stop it, so there was no point to going into ER or office visit.

How far along are you? 7+4

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? I feel like complete garbage. I can't eat much but bagels, berries and raw veggies. Down 7 pounds in 2.5 weeks. I feel terrible because I do not want to have a connection or feel happy in case I have another MC. I do hope when I go for u/s perhaps my mind will relax and allow me to feel happy. It's tough.

Any upcoming appointments? Nov 5 for u/s and first appt.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? Cadbury crunchies 🤤 or mini sour watermelons

wendy838 · October 2020

If I had it my way, no one would experience the pregnancy loss because it really does suck. My story: announced pregnancy to our parents in April 2020 at 8 weeks. 11 weeks I start spotting and 1 week later, DH has to rush me to the hospital due to heavy bleeding. They did a quick U/S and said I measured at 7 weeks so I already M/C'ed when we announced. I eventually passed the sac there. I never made it to my first real ultrasound appt which made me really sad and I had no idea what to expect because my family doctor was so hard to reach.

How far along are you? 7+4

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? bloated, constipated, so tired by 9pm. I do get the occasional queasiness, usually after I bend over or eat a little too much. Like others, I am just taking it day by day and trying not to get too excited/attached.

Any upcoming appointments? First US on Mon, Oct 26

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? I get harped on for this, but I love Smarties lol apparently everyone else thinks they're gross

_orchid_ · October 2020

@akoros I also feel numb until further along
**TW LC**

When I was pregnant with DS1, I didn't tell anyone other than family/close friends/my boss that I was pregnant until 20+ weeks bc I was so nervous. My boss had to pull me aside at 21 weeks to ask me what I wanted her to tell people bc she was getting questions about it from staff. I didn't really feel comfortable telling until 24 weeks.

@tilournextadventure I'm so sorry for your loss. My most recent loss was at the end of March and my Dr did no bw bc covid. I kept checking the tests I took bc I felt like I made it up. I made DH look at the tests to verify they were positive (2 different brands) bc I need some kind of confirmation.

@wendy838 I'm sorry for your loss. I also had a difficult time contacting my Dr the first time and had no idea what to expect. I ended up leaving that practice after that experience and ended up somewhere I felt more comfortable. I'll also eat smarties but they're not my favorites!!

akoros · October 2020

@_orchid_ Yeah, I still have no idea how long we'll wait. Both times we figured we'd tell our parents after the viability scan (~8 weeks) and then others after the NT scan (12 weeks). For the first we got the bad news at 12 weeks, so obviously didn't tell anyone else. For the second we kind of dragged our feet after 12 weeks, though I told me mom she could start telling family. I figured I'd wait until after my 16-week appointment to tell friends, which is when they discovered there wasn't a heartbeat. That said, I'm not sure we would have even told people after that, probably would have pushed it off until the anatomy scan. That said, it was *much* easier to hide #2 for longer since it was (also) during the pandemic so we didn't see anyone but our parents. I'm not sure what we're going to do this time, will probably play it by ear.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@akoros we've cancelled all our holiday plans already so that should make it easier to hide. I'll start seeing people in person at work in 2 weeks but I'm just going with the Quarantine 15 story

wendy838 · October 2020

@_orchid_ I've considered switching doctors, but it's so hard to find ones that are accepting new patients! I'm sorry for your loss as well. and sorry to all the ladies here who endured those difficult experiences. It's wonderful to have a support group like this and know we are not alone.

mindyb2019 · October 2020

First of all, I want to say im so truly sorry for all you ladies losses ❤ Its a tough group to be a part of. PGAL brain is legit the worst but I have faith we will all get through it. Im rooting for all the rainbow babies 🌈

Here’s my story: I’ve had 2 previous losses. My very first pregnancy was a Natural MC Nov 2019 at 7 weeks. My second pregnancy ended in a loss at 16 weeks in July 2020. It was a TFMR for T21, cystic hygroma and hydrops. It was a boy. His heart actually stopped beating on that morning of my D&E so he wouldn't have made it earthside either way

How far along are you? 7 weeks today.

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Emotionally and mentally I’m scared and trying not to allow myself to get too excited or attached in case it doesn’t work out again. Im trying to stay positive and hopeful though. Oddly enough, I'm also alot more calm this time around too. If its meant to be then it will all work out fine. Symptom wise I have been super tired, bloating, gas, mild heaches, peeing alot and diziness on and off. Today im a little extra nervous and on edge. Today is a milestone trigger for me as my first loss was at 7 weeks and that baby was also due in June so im hoping this little bean makes it alot farther. FX. So far so good.

Any upcoming appointments? I have my first U/S on Nov 9th. I’m excited to go but crazy scared and nervous. I just need to see a HB and something in there to confirm it’s real and all is ok.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? So hard to choose as I love all candy lol I think my favourite is the Reeses's peanut butter cups. I could eat a million of those. I also love suckers and nibs cherry licorice.

MelissaMay82 · October 2020

My Story: DH and I got married in 2013. I immediately stopped BC and we started trying (I was already 31). After a few years of nothing happening we kind of gave up. We were NTNP at that point and just did not know if it would ever happen. The week before Christmas 2015 I wasn't feeling well at all and thought I had the flu. I realized that I had not started AF and was a little late. I took a test and it was a BFP. We were so excited. We order ornaments to announce to our families at Christmas. My pregnancy was going great. I had all the classic symptoms and all early testing/NT u/s were perfect. I go in for my anatomy scan at my OB's office. The u/s tech was very quiet during the whole thing but I had never had an u/s before so I didn't know if that was normal or not. We met with one of the OB's after and the first thing that she said was that she had some concerns. All of the baby's long bones were very short and curved and the thoracic cavity was very oddly shaped and very small (I think that there were a few more abnormalities but I honestly cannot remember). She immediately referred us to MFM. The first available appointment with them was on my birthday. I was really hoping for some good news but unfortunately the MFM doc confirmed what the OB doc had seen. He told us that he was 98% sure that the baby had Thanatophoric Dysplasia (I had an amniocentesis and it was confirmed). This condition is not comparable with life, there was zero chance that the baby would survive. I had a D&E on 4/8/16 @ 21w5d. We took a while to recover and decide if we even wanted children. We started trying again in 2017, I got a BFP in early November but had a MC 11 days later @ 4w6d. Two losses back-to-back were so hard. We started trying again in 2016 and I got another BFP at the end of August. That pregnancy in the beginning was total mind f*ck. I had so much bleeding due to an undiagnosed SCH. But thankfully there were no concerns with the pregnancy at all. DD was born via c/s on 5/2/19. (I would put this in a spoiler but I forgot how)

How far along are you? 5+4

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Symptoms wise I am nauseous, bloated, hungry but don't have much of an appetite. My lower back pain and my lower abdominal discomfort have resolved. I still have occasional spotting when I wipe. Emotionally I am trying to hang in there. I know that some early pregnancy spotting can be totally normal or any I have another SCH. This pregnancy was just such a (wonderful) surprise that I did not have time to prepare to be pregnant (usually if we know we are going to start trying I start prenatal and avoid all foods and drinks not allowed during pregnancy). I just need to know if this pregnancy is viable.

Any upcoming appointments? U/S on 11/2, it cannot come soon enough! Thankfully I am working with my OB on Monday so hopefully she will make me feel better.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? Swedish Fish or Sour Patch Kids

@_orchid_ @laurad75 @akoros @tilournextadventure @wendy838 I'm so sorry for your losses.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@mindyb2019 milestone days are so hard. I hope today was an easy day for you and tomorrow you'll be past it! I'm glad to hear you're more calm this time around ♥️

@MelissaMay82 I am so sorry about your losses. Is thanatophoric dysplasia genetic or was it just a random occurrence? Early pregnancy is such a roller coaster, I hope the next few weeks are uneventful for you as you wait to see your OB.

MelissaMay82 · October 2020

@_orchid_ it is a random occurrence. I quickly googled because I couldn’t remember but it occurs in 1 in 20,000 to 50,000 pregnancies and is caused by mutations in the FGFR3 gene.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@MelissaMay82 wow ♥️ thank you for sharing. Hoping for an easy pregnancy for you and your pot of gold (baby after 🌈 baby)

ramzlau · October 2020

How far along are you? 7+1

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Got triggered by something on Friday night/Saturday morning and now anxiety is so high. Keep trying to find my calm again that I had after seeing the heartbeat at 6 weeks, but it has been 10 days since then and my mind just keeps going to worry.

Any upcoming appointments? On Wednesday! It can’t come fast enough. I know a lot of people are waiting still for their first ultrasound so I am lucky to get two so early. But after two losses, the struggle is real to stay calm and have hope, especially in 2020.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? Hmm they are actually not great tasting, but Dots have such nostalgia associated with them from Halloween’s past. Milky Ways are my go to chocolate, or dark chocolate doves. But I also like twizzlers or mike and Ike’s. Oh sour patch kids are good too!

I am so sorry for each of your losses. It amazes me how strong and resilient you ladies are, even when you least feel like it.

Lisa3379 · October 2020

My story: My loss happened this past April. At around 15 weeks, we learned that the baby was going to be born with serious problems, so we elected to terminate. It was the most gut-wrenching decision I’ve ever made in my life. I’m a little nervous saying that in pseudo-public, but oh well. I guess I’m still fairly anonymous. So while I’m thrilled to be pregnant again, I’m also feeling guilty. It sucks.

How far along are you? 4 weeks

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? Super bloated. Mentally? Well, if this pregnancy works out, this will be our last, since it’ll be our third kid and I think I’m done at 3 - plus, I’m 38. So I want to enjoy every minute of it, you know? But then I also don’t want to get too attached.

Any upcoming appointments? I need to call my doctor tomorrow to set something up.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? That’s a tough one! Here’s something random: I really like those Ritter Sport bars with the chocolate-covered marzipan.

llamamamawearspajamapants · October 2020

How far along are you? : 7+1 (@ramzlau are you also due 6/12?)

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? : cautiously optimistic! I had a MC in May at 7+5 so getting through the next week will feel like a big milestone. I’ve felt more tugging or mild cramps, which makes me happy thinking about little bean stretching out.

Any upcoming appointments?: US at 11/12, first appointment at 11/13. Basically two lifetimes from now, lol. Though we got early snow, so it feels more like Christmas than Halloween and that kind of helps.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? : I’m with @MelissaMay82 - sour patch kids all the way (my poor dentist!)

ramzlau · October 2020

@llamamamawearspajamapants Yes! But with my DD they wanted to induce at 36 weeks, so I am hoping we just make it into June. And stretch little bean stretch!

notawhoops · October 2020

Hello,

First off, I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

I was on the loss boards here 10 years ago and the ladies I've met through those boards have been my lifeline. It's surreal to be back after all this time. My history is in my siggy.

How far along are you? 5+3

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)? I have been super anxious as I've been spotting every day for the past week. I have no pregnancy symptoms at all, which also has me nervous.

Any upcoming appointments? They moved up my appointment from seeing me at 10 weeks to seeing me at 7 weeks after I called about the spotting. Still feels like forever until then. I've always had betas and early appointments but their protocols have changed since COVID.

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy? I love the small Twix. I can eat a dozen of those in a blink of an eye.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@Lisa3379 I'm sorry for your loss 💔 I'm hoping for #3 as well, fx these are our rainbow babies.

@llamamamawearspajamapants I hope your week will go quickly to get you past that milestone!! And ahh snow, not ready for that yet lol!!

@notawhoops I'm so sorry for your losses. I hope the next two weeks go quickly for you and the spotting stops!!

akoros · October 2020

@Lisa3379 There are a few of us here (including myself) who made the decision to TFMR. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I understand the fear (of sharing, of getting emotionally attached) and lingering guilt.

Lisa3379 · October 2020

akoros said:

@Lisa3379 There are a few of us here (including myself) who made the decision to TFMR. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I understand the fear (of sharing, of getting emotionally attached) and lingering guilt.

I posted before reading anyone else’s post, and then I read through. I felt so comforted to see others sharing that, too... like, there would be less room for judgment. You never know what you’re getting into with some communities! And I’m so sorry you had to go through it, too. ❤️

ruemcclanahan · October 2020

How far along are you?
7 weeks 3 days

How are you feeling (symptoms, mentally/emotionally)?
It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I'm trying to just focus on the positive but my husband is just so terrified of another loss he barely wants to talk about this pregnancy at all.

Any upcoming appointments?
Ultrasound on Wednesday will hopefully give some answers either way!
Hoping for good news

GTKY: in honor of Halloween, what's your favorite candy?
Reese PB, the shapes, so the trees, eggs, pumpkins etc

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