Mental Health Check-in October 2020

keikilove · October 2020

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This is a safe place for more detailed support in mental health, struggles, and successes. Whereas general stress and issues are often discussed in R/R of dailies, this place is for a more focused discussion of the impact of mental health. Members are encouraged to use thoughtfulness and depth to examine feelings, barriers, and useful supports.

This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a mental health diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame free as possible!

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort.

If you need help getting started, consider filling out the form below:

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)

How are you feeling?

chindimples04 · October 2020

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: General, Social, and PP Anxiety, General and PP Depression,

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WTO

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) Rough week? Requested an appointment to get back on meds

How are you feeling? *General TW* I am in desperate need of a safe place. I deleted Facebook off my phone, as each new pregnancy announcements has made me feel more and more like a failure. My husband doesn’t understand my pain. My small group friends that know we are TTC have stopped listening (and I have not overtalked about it, just mentioned my feelings today and one has now said I’m being insensitive). I’m afraid to say anything to anyone because I don’t want to unintentionally hurt feelings but I also really need a safe space to talk about my feelings because my thoughts are heading in really scary directions. I feel very, very alone. I’m currently having a breakdown in my classroom. ETA that trying to teach in a global pandemic isn’t helping things. I so desperately want to help my kiddos and realize I can only do so much through my computer screen. I miss having my kids in my room. I miss the distraction of coming to work every day. I’m just in a really hard place.

acleverusername · October 2020

@chindimples04 I am so sorry that you are going through this. There is a lot on your plate right now; too much for one person to handle. I am sorry your husband is not able to give you the support you need. And I am sorry that your friends have called you insensitive. There is something wrong with this world we live in where we can't be compassionate of people who are TTCing no matter how easy/hard their journey has been.

You are doing the right thing by seeking medical intervention. Have you considered seeing a therapist? I am currently seeing someone who specializes in infertility and she's been a Godsend. She's expensive AF but you can't put a price on your mental health.

Also, have you considered trying to find a local infertility group? Perhaps one that has virtual meetings, where you can actually have the chance of meeting the other ppl after the pandemic is over?

chindimples04 · October 2020

@acleverusername thank you for not making me feel crazy. I was really anxious about even posting this.

I have done therapy before but it’s been about 6 years. The wait list in my area is insanely long and I worry about the cost a lot. My parents were still lying my medical bills the last time I saw one. 🙈 It really helped but I have terrible follow through with the referral because I’m really afraid of the cost.

I don’t really feel like a fit in an IF situation yet. We haven’t gone through any testing yet, although it has been discussed to start in December if we aren’t successful by then. *TFAS warning*

I had joined a couple TTC while breastfeeding groups on Facebook but FB has been a huge negative mind fuck lately that I deleted it and lost those groups (plus the number of BFPs posted on the daily was not helpful). I joined the TFAS Reddit board but it is PAINFULLY quiet. Idk, I feel like I’m in a very weird place TTC with it not being 6 months but my mental health making it feel like 6 years. Plus, TTC while breastfeeding poses different challenges.

Add all of this on top of teaching in a pandemic where my state is the new hotspot, my students are at home, not always in the safest environments, we just got an email stating only students 2 years behind will get extra academic support.

In general, I have an anxiety attack anytime I think I made a mistake. Like, my phone rang while I was driving and I grabbed it to answer and thought there was a cop behind me and had a full anxiety attack because of it.

The scheduled a virtual visit for Monday to get back on meds, which I’ve been off of for almost 7 months. I can’t cope anymore.

If your still reading, ⭐️. 🤣

acleverusername · October 2020

Still here! 👋 Are there any resources offered through your school districts benefits program? I know that EAP (employee assistance programs) have become quite common and generally have a number of free sessions included. Something to look into. I do hear you on the cost of these things... especially when on a teacher's salary. With the prevalence of virtual therapy, perhaps there is a better-priced alternative available to you know. At the end of the day, while it’s hard to justify spending money on it, mental health can be a blocker to literally everything else in life (as you’ve pointed out with the phone driving panic incident).

I definitely think that going back on medication is a good step (speaking as someone who’s lived with mild anxiety - that can trigger panic attacks - all my life. I also have a sister who has to to manage her anxiety / mood disorder with constant with medication.) But it also sounds like you need a safe space / someone to talk with.

chindimples04 · October 2020

@acleverusername I always forget about our EAP. I had to use it last year after we had a lockdown for a potential active shooter. Definitely stirred up my PTSD. I will reach out to them on Monday when I get their number from school.

I honestly stopped taking meds because so much of my anxiety revolves around being around people, and since I was stuck at home, I was perfectly content. Not so much anymore. Coping mechanisms are failing me, but a lot of my coping relies on talking to people, which I don’t currently have.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@chindimples04 I'm sorry you are not getting support IRL. It can be really hard when your usual groups of support aren't able to understand and give support.

I'm also a teacher- elementary library special- and teaching virtually is HARD. I'm seeing kids that I've known for years and it's really hard to not be physically together with them. On top of that all the worry/uncertainty about this year, and worry about students living situations. I get it. I'm in NJ and my state got slammed in the spring, we had a student who passed away and multiple student family members that died bc of Covid.

**TW LC Mentioned**

Ds1 has been doing K/now 1st from home, and DS2'S daycare was closed so he was home in the spring too- now back 2days/wk. It's a lot on my plate that I didn't ever plan for.

It is HARD. It is ok for you to struggle in this situation- there's never been anything like this before. I take it day by day and I've also been talking to my supervisors about the expectations. I personally think the connections with students is more important than my content, so in my lessons I'm prioritizing activities to build those connections. I also make sure I make time for myself, outside, preferably alone- a 20 minute walk/run helps my mood.

Do you have a school counselor/psychologist? They might be able to help, or point you in the direction of someone who can help. Also, working with a group of women has been helpful for my TTC stress- a lot of my coworkers went through IF so I've been talking to a few who "get" it.

chindimples04 · October 2020

@_orchid_

I do talk to one of my coworkers. In fact, we had one *TW* who just announced she’s pregnant again. Her first is 3 weeks older than my daughter. My coworker called me and let me cry to her, but not being in person and actually having them here is hard. I really only talk with them when we are in person.

Ill see if our school counselors or psychologists have any resources.

It’s difficult because I have to teach the content and it’s expected to get my kids to proficiency. Our state test is not cancelled this year and we are required to teach regular curriculum at an early regular pace. It’s impossible to properly.

Plus with the pandemic *TW LC*

Our daycare was closed from March 12-September 7. It was just me and DD for nearly 6 months. When she started a new daycare, I cried all over again.

keikilove · October 2020

@chindimples04 I just wanted to send you some love & support. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time right now.💗 The others have given you great advice. I second that your school counselor may be the best place to start. S/he can give you all the info about the EAP, plus actually provide a listening ear.

For what it’s worth, I once had to see a therapist when I was teaching. I just didn’t feel like myself. I told her all about what was going on in my life & how I just woke up one morning & couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t go to work for a week but didn’t know why. She said I had hit my threshhold. She said everyone has their own unique tolerance for stress, and mine is extremely high. However, with all the mountains of heavy stuff that were happening in my life simultaneously at that time, my body had crossed its threshold/tolerance for stress & was responding with depression/lack of interest in anything. She said that 90% of her therapy patients were emergency room doctors and TEACHERS. It is an extremely stressful profession, and the pandemic is only adding to that. You are human, and you are coping the best way you know how. Getting professional help will hopefully help you cope better in this crazy time that is so unpredictable for everyone.

I hope your district will realize that it’s impossible to teach adequately in this current environment, and that the standardized test will be useless. Hang in there!! You can only do your best—or what you have to give—and nothing more. This year is going to be a wash academically across the country. Just do what you can while taking care if yourself. It will get better eventually. We are here for you.

bumblebee0210 · October 2020

*tws loss, LC* @chindimples04 I just want to echo what the others have said-- that I'm sorry you're going through this, and that it's important to reach out for support. I think TTC is a uniquely anxiety-producing endeavor, and something about the cyclicality and the up-and-down of trying and hope and failure can really do a number on mental health. I think there are stages to all of this, and I know for me, when I was first trying, it was actually the most anxiety-producing time because I was so ready for it to work each month and so disappointed when it didn't. There are a lot of hard things about TTC for 6+ months without success and losses, etc, but one kind of nice thing, I think, is that you kind of let go a little bit of the obsessive impatience about *this month*, and see it as a longer game. That has been true for me at least. I think seeing a counselor, even a couple of times, could help enormously. I know that there are some telehealth-only services that are cheaper than traditional counseling without insurance, and are a great option since most counseling is telehealth anyway during the pandemic. Some clinics also have sliding scales for those without insurance coverage for mental health. I think if you're really feeling this anxious, I think it is worth the money, even if it means scrimping in other places or pulling from savings. I started seeing my current counselor 3 years ago when I started TTC (because it made me so anxious!) and I was SO glad to have someone in place as I went through loss, birth, postpartum, and then loss again. You might also want to try (or try again) with a close friend and just make sure you are really honest with them-- say "I am having a really hard time". Sometimes I am a bit flippant about things out of an instinct not to be too vulnerable, and I end up not getting the support I need. Not sure if that's the case with you, but a friend who can't listen when you genuinely ask for help is not a very good friend.

_orchid_ · October 2020

@chindimples04 it is impossible to properly teach content at the same place! That's very unrealistic that your district is expecting that. I am paired with a gen Ed 1st grade class for 3 hours in the morning (to assist the teacher once we're in a hybrid situation but to build knowledge about how the class operates now - and also live teaching my own classes 2 hours in the afternoon) and while it's getting better each week, it's not the same. We are not robots teaching to computers. All the other stuff is missing- assemblies, snack, carpet time - the fun stuff. There's no joy and its stressful for kids too. And kids getting materials on their own is really tough.

I have days where I am crying all day bc of it but those are getting further between. It helps me on bad days to think of one thing I did well that I had control over- and honestly, some days it's that I brushed my hair and put on make up.

Once we were out of the hot zone I felt a lot better too, even though we're still virtual.

I totally agree with what @bumblebee0210 said also- a friend who won't listen when you need it is not a friend. Thinking of you ♥️

_orchid_ · October 2020

@chindimples04

**Tw LC**

Ds2 started a new preschool classroom with a teacher we don't know. I know his 3 best buddies are all home now, not at daycare. I ask him everyday who he plays with and he's says he doesn't know bc they have masks on. 😭 He only knows one of his teachers name. I can't go in the school and have to leave him at the door. I sent a note in last week asking his teacher to send home a list of names of kids who are there so I can ask him about them by name- "did you play with Timmy? Was Sally there today?" and I think that's helping us to make it more "normal". I try my best not to think about it when I drop him off bc there's really nothing I can do about it.

chindimples04 · October 2020

Thank you all. ❤️ I definitely reach my threshold, like @keikilove said. And while I knew TTC wasn’t likely going to be as easy like it was the first time, it’s hard to see the second time be just as easy for others as their first.

Teaching at a regular pace, virtually, during a global pandemic is insane and I have no idea how or why the expect it from us. 95% of my kids are below grade level expectations for reading and math (honestly, 90% of the entire 4th grade class is behind in reading and math, and that was true before the global pandemic). I have kids that can’t spell, 2 kids that can’t read, 2 additional kids that read at 1st grade or lower, 3 kids that can’t write, 2 kids don’t know their birthdays, 4 kids didn’t know their last name. I mean, it’s insane to me how behind these kids are and how I’m excepted to magically bring them up to a 4th grade level, through an iPad, in 9 months. It’s just not realistic. And the fact that we get ZERO support unless they are SPED or 2 grade levels behind?!? How is that helping to close gaps. I can’t sit on Zoom all day. I already sit through 4 zoom meetings every day. When would I get anything else done?

chindimples04 · October 2020

Well, I definitely cried during my appointment today. We picked a new med similar to what I was on before but different so I don’t go in with any expectations of what it may or may not do. She really, really wanted me to reach out to my EAP for counseling, so I’m hoping I can build the courage to reach out. I always feel a bit like a failure needing counseling (personal problem for sure, and I know this isn’t the case). I balled doing the questionnaires, even. It was hard. But I’m glad to have a plan in place.

acleverusername · October 2020

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: General Anxiety Disorder (overactive Default Mode Network); probably have mild depression as well judging by how I felt a few weeks ago when I realized that visiting my family before Covid is over will not happen.

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW/WFAF

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I guess I've had anxiety all my life, but it started to get worse in 2012 when I was working full time and doing my MBA (part-time). I experienced my first panic attack that year, and have had 2 more since then (last one was in 2017). Each time the panic attack was triggered by an acute / traumatic emotional event, but looking back now, it was always preceded by increasing anxiety over time, and the acute even served as the straw that broke the camel's back. Well, enter 2020 which has been nothing if not one big anxious year. Not being able to see my family weighs heavily on me. Plus, the stress and sadness of getting BFNs month after month isn't helping. So I'm being proactive this time. Besides seeing a therapist for infertility counseling, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thu past to discuss medication options that are suitable for TTC. Since I've been on it in the past, he recommended that I got back on a low dose of Lexapro to see how it makes me feel. He did reason that increasing anxiety could be preventing a pregnancy. While I don't love the idea of medicating while TTC, I think that it's my best option now. Lexpro is a Schedule C medication which is not very reassuring, but having a psychiatrist say that it's okay to take probably trumps that. He pointed me to MotherToBaby as a source for research on medication safety during pregnancy.

He also suggested I do mindfulness CBT and recommended an online course offered by a colleague of his. I am going to look into it.

Finally, he recommended something called HeartMath... it's a device that helps identify increases/decreases to heart rate variability which can lead to anxiety. I read one article about such devices and I'm not convinced but I think it doesn't hurt to try. Having good mental health is extremely important to me.

How are you feeling? I think I kind of answered that already, but yeah, I think I'm doing the right thing by getting back on medication before there's a trigger event. My sister went through 2 pregnancies taking Venlaflaxine and both my niece (5) and nephew (7) appear to be well adjusted and normal. So, I hope the benefits of taking anti-anxiety medication will outweigh any potential risks.

I'm also excited because my therapist is starting a new round of group therapy called Resilience in Fertility Journey and has invited me to join. So I will get to meet others who are struggling with IF near me. I love the the support I get from the TTGP community but also think that having a local support network will be beneficial.

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