When to reveal

lizalovespasha · October 2020

Hi all,
I'm putting this in first trimester because I guess most people tell family and friends sometime in the 1st trimester, but maybe many people save it till the second or even third. My husband and I are very private people, and we've been through a long bout of infertility. I will be so embarrassed if we do a big reveal and then I miscarry. What have your experiences been? When did you reveal or when do you plan to, and do you regret it? Told too soon or wish you had told sooner? What ideas did you use and how did it go? Would love to hear from y'all.

harpseal135 · October 2020

lizalovespasha said:

Hi all,
I'm putting this in first trimester because I guess most people tell family and friends sometime in the 1st trimester, but maybe many people save it till the second or even third. My husband and I are very private people, and we've been through a long bout of infertility. I will be so embarrassed if we do a big reveal and then I miscarry. What have your experiences been? When did you reveal or when do you plan to, and do you regret it? Told too soon or wish you had told sooner? What ideas did you use and how did it go? Would love to hear from y'all.

All a preferential choice- we told my parents (his passed away) siblings and grandparents early, she told extended family that I don't see often

Friends, we waited.

If I found out now that I was expecting- I would wait and send out a Christmas (if you celebrate) card or a holliday card stating something like. Wishing you the Merriest of Christmases! Ours will become more Merrier soon! Expecting due date.
Or Wishing you a Happy New Year! Its our last as a family of 2! Baby (last name) due date.

I would call immediate family or tell them in person or personally hand them the card before mailing the holiday cards out - but do it soon.

For whatever reason that sound fun to me this year, as I typically do not like that type if stuff. But I think people need exciting fun things this year!

inthewoods23 · October 2020

@lizalovespasha the decision is up to you like @harpseal135 said.

For me, we have also dealt with IF for the last 3 years and in that time have had so many people get pregnant before us (sometimes twice!). Having experienced that we always knew we wanted to wait a bit before telling family so that we could enjoy our news by ourselves. It works out for us that 12 weeks is just before Thanksgiving so we are going to be telling our families that weekend. My mom's birthday is at the end of this month and I would have liked to tell her then, but DH and I agreed to wait to at least 12 weeks. He actually wanted to wait until Christmas but I thought that would be super awkward to show up with a bump, especially since my sister happens to be due with her second about a month and a half before us. The bonus of doing it before Christmas for us is that some of our Christmas gifts can be baby items.

We worry about miscarrying too, but so far there has been nothing to indicate that has or will happen. You need to decide if you want family support in the event of that or not.

ETA: just wanted to add that I have 1 friend who knows if our pregnancy. She's the only person I have gone into detail with during all the IF testing and treatments that we did. Starting with a trusting friend is always an option until you're more comfortable telling family.

gusgus14 · October 2020

I think it's such a personal decision! I used to throw major side eye at people who publicly announced as soon as they knew or even just before 12 weeks but I realize now that everyone is different. Last time we told some family immediately (I told my mom the day I found out and then DH's parents at 5-6 weeks) and then slowly told my brothers and close friends toward the end of the first trimester before doing a "public" (ie social media) announcement around 12 weeks. This time we told a lot more friends early on. I'm just over 10 weeks and we have told our closest friends and most of our immediate family (I still have a couple of brothers to tell) and we have told our bosses and a couple of co-workers. It just depends on how you would feel if you had a loss and whether you would want to tell those people. For me, with the exception of 1 person, I haven't told anyone that I wouldn't also tell about a loss. You just have to decide what you're comfortable with!

ETA: several of the friends who know also knew that we had been trying so it wasn't completely out of the blue.

holly321 · October 2020

It's really all about personal preference. I didn't so much announce my first 2 pregnancies, so much as didn't keep the a secret. Tw my 2nd pregnancy was a loss after 12 weeks, I was visibly pregnant, everyone knew. Honestly, for me, it helped that people knew about the loss, at least I didn't have to hide my bad mood. I will say I waited to announce my next pregnancy until I was about 15 weeks, but that was due to insensitive comments I didn't feel like dealing with. (The "helpful" you'll be pregnant in no time comments after my loss, became I told you so type.)

calliah · October 2020

With our first we announced at 12 weeks on FB. Had told close friends and family earlier, around 8 weeks probably. We had also dealt with almost 2 years of IF and I personally couldn’t wait to announce.

With the second, we announced on FB at 22 weeks after the anatomy scan. Close friends and family had known for a while, my boss knew the same day I got my bfp 😂 but she knew we were TTC.

With the third, we also announced after the anatomy scan. He was born a week ago and I haven’t even posted about his birth. I feel like I’ve gotten more private the more kids we’ve had.

It’s all so personal. If you wouldn’t want people to know if you had a MC, then you don’t need to tell anyone. You can tell whoever you whenever you want.

doodleoodle · October 2020

**TW** I would tell people you would want to lean on if the pregnancy resulted in a loss. I experienced a loss at 11 weeks and I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant. It was really hard to tell those that I was asking for help/support from that I was pregnant and miscarried all in the same conversation.

Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months ❤️

capnjackharkness · October 2020

It is your choice. Please remember that Miscarriage is NOT an embarrassment! Yes, people who do a giant fancy reveal early on ALWAYS makes me cringe, because I'm more familiar with the miscarriage rates than most people (having 5 miscarriages and no living children myself). However, through my experiences I am also a HUGE advocate of speaking out on the commonalities of miscarriage and pregnancy loss!

I told virtually NO one about my first pregnancy. And then I had to call up my mom and tell her that not only had I been pregnant, but was miscarrying, and that it may be a molar pregnancy (essentially, your cells come together and can possibly form cancer instead of a baby). I feel like pregnancy is finding out you were given a brand new puppy and told to cradle it in your arms and it's amazing and magical and you want to tell everyone. But "they" tell you not to, and if you lose it, it's like someone stabbed that puppy to death IN your arms and you are supposed to keep quiet about it and act as if it doesn't bother you. It's terrible to keep the silence. And honestly, I found that it's a LOT harder to try to explain to everyone why your normally bubbly self is crying in your cubicle, or in the bathroom, and why you don't want to go hang out with anyone for weeks afterwards. Feeling one of the most amazing things happen to you, followed by the death of that thing, and then feeling as though you're not supposed to talk about it and you're supposed to act like nothing happened is criminal.

SO, I advocate for you to at least tell those people whom you'd want to support you if you miscarried. People who would help you through it, and would let you talk about what you're feeling. However, I also realize some people are MUCH more private than I am, and have preferred to be silent in their loss because they did not want to share their private medical and emotional details with others.

The choice is YOURS!

lizalovespasha · October 2020

Thank you. My heart goes out to you for your losses. I know you're right, mc is nothing to be ashamed of. After many years of watching others have babies, and you don't get to, there is a feeling of inadequacy, although its irrational. I don't have any living children either. I only told two friends about my last mc, and yes it was awkward to tell them about the pregnancy and the marriage at once. I think because we are so private, and I prefer to handle a mc with just my husband, we will wait until Christmas/ new years, when I will be 17 weeks.

capnjackharkness · October 2020

I'm sorry for your loss. You can always tell the few friends/family closest to you that already know about your previous loss, that because of that loss you are PG again, but being 'cautiously optimistic' and don't want to go super big or public about it or anything until you feel more secure in the PG. But it sounds like you've thought it over and have a plan! Good luck with this one!

emeraldcity1214 · October 2020

TW - loss mentioned

With all of my pregnancies except for the last, I have announced right after we found out. I was just to excited to keep it in. Then we had an early second trimester loss. I was devastated and every time I went to church someone new would come up to me and ask about the baby. It just brought on the floodgates every single time. I sorta assumed people would have spread the news without me having to do it. Apparently they didn’t. Then we got pregnant with my last baby and I waited until we were at least 12 weeks. Although, I was noticeably rounder by that point because my bloat is insane and my uterus just explodes forward. I literally looked 20 weeks by the time we told them around 12 weeks. 🤦🏻‍♀️ We are currently TTC. If we get pregnant again we will wait to tell everyone except my in-laws. They will be praying for the pregnancy and they are always such a huge support for us.

Want a personalized experience?

When to reveal

Re: When to reveal

Choose Another Board

Search Boards