Heartbroken — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Heartbroken

My lady is 14 weeks pregnant and just randomly broke up with me. We've been together for 7 months now and everything has been perfect until now. No arguments or anything like that ever outside of a time of a time or 2 of her getting mad at me due to misunderstandings on her part but easily fixed. This love came out of nowhere but we both stated our intentions early on and they were aligned. The pregnancy was a surprise but for the most part it seemed to make the relationship much more stronger. I don't have any significant personal issues but this pregnancy has motivated me to be an even better man to her and our future child. 2 days ago I got the dreaded "it's not you, it's me, i need space" speech through text and honestly the heartache is unmatched. I responded in a genuinely supporting fashion just not to burden her with how I feel about it but I'm not ok. I immediately realize, not only has the love of my life just evaluated her life and decided she doesn't want me but now I'm just a visitor in the pregnancy experience of my first child. I've been careful my whole life about who I have sex with and even more so unprotected for this very reason, I want a family under one roof and not a co-parenting scenario. I just really needed to vent my feelings somewhere because at this point I'm to embarrassed to talk to anyone else about it. I feel like I've failed at a relationship and starting a family. Hoping someone could give me some perspective, wise words, or advice. It's much appreciated.

Re: Heartbroken

  • @knottie3c1961c7913f19af - I hope things are going well for you and you've been able to heal from this.

    Re: Your Relationship - You aren't a failure at anything. Honestly, without a real sit-down conversation aside from a "It's not you, it's me" text, you aren't going to know what prompted the break-up to begin with. She may or may not be ready to talk to you about it in more detail. She may or may not ever be ready to talk to you about it in more detail.  If she does talk to you about it, there may or may not be anything you could say or do to change the outcome. Is it ideal? No. Does it suck? Yes. Would it have been better to have a back-and-forth conversation in person? Absolutely. She's made her choice and has made it clear she is not interested in continuing a romantic/sexual relationship with you at this time. Could she in the future? Possibly, but I wouldn't hold on to that. Even if she does, you might decide that you don't want to pursue another relationship with her in the future, given how it ended the first time. Also, stop calling her "my lady".

    Re: The Pregnancy - You obviously care about her, so forget about the romance and look at being there for her as a friend and a co-parent, no strings attached. Pregnancy can be rough on different women in different ways. Some have lots of physical symptoms, some have none. She'll have OB visits at least monthly, and more frequently if the pregnancy is deemed high risk. Ask to be kept in the loop for upcoming appointments. Ask for updates afterwards. Ask to attend the anatomy scan, if she hasn't had one already (typically +/- 20 weeks) and request copies of the U/S. Check in occasionally to see how she's feeling, or if she needs anything. Offer her a ride if she doesn't want to drive (especially over the winter, if snow/ice can be a concern for your geographic area). She's probably going through a lot physically, emotionally, and mentally. Just offer to be there for her, as a friend.

    Re: Co-parenting - Even if co-parenting isn't the situation that you want to be in, it's the situation that you're currently in. It might change in the future, it might not. You need to mentally prepare yourself for either. As someone who's in a pretty awesome co-parenting situation, the #1 piece of advice I can give you is: 1. It's always about the child first.  It's not about your feelings. It's not about what makes you comfortable. It won't always be easy. But you can't go wrong if you're always putting the kid first. 

    Re: The Less Fun Stuff - Additionally, look into what it takes to be listed on the birth certificate in your area. It's not a default that the father is automatically listed on the birth certificate in all states/countries, especially if he and the mother aren't married. You'll also want to have conversation with her re: legal & physical custody as well as financial concerns such as Health Insurance, Child Support, and other future expenses. It's much better for the two of you to come to an agreement amicably, versus having a judge rule on it. If the two of you are in agreement, you should be able to have it written out and filed with the courts without a big production. Remember, that document protects both of you by explicitly stating the terms in writing. Make sure you keep a record of all receipts/payments (preferably by check) as well as all pick-ups/drop-offs. If you come to an agreement, make sure you follow your end and document in detail if she doesn't. Agreeing on and filing information on items such as custody & payments early on will prevent her (or her future attorney) from denying you ever made them and seeking back-support later.  It might not happen, but it has happened, so be mindful. 


    Me: 34 | DH: 46
    SD: 21 & SS: 17
    BFP #2 6/3/2020

    *Trigger Warning*
    TTC 6/13/2015 | BFP #1 5/14/2017 | MMC 7/28/2017 (Trisomy 18) | IL + D&C 8/4/2017


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