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March 2021 Moms
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Managing obnoxious family members

homeschooljewelhomeschooljewel member
in March 2021 Moms
So, I'm 43 with 2 older kids (11 & 12). My husband had a vasectomy 8 weeks after our youngest was born (lots of reasons for that) and now, 11 years later, I'm pregnant. Surprise! I'm getting over the shock and am starting to get excited. My husband is amazing- it took him like 30 seconds to get over his surprise and he is over the moon about it. At this point, our kids don't know- I wanted to wait until we at least see my OB before we tell them, maybe a little longer. Because this is a surprise and I'm older we're going to wait until the first trimester is fully over before telling our families. DH's family are lovely and gracious and they will all be thrilled. My family.....this is were I'm getting worried. I love my parents but we've had our struggles over the years. They don't really like DH although that's gotten better in the past few years. What I'm really worried about is gross/obnoxious comments from my parents and sisters. I know we're going to get comments like "Congratulations, who's the father?" and "Better check and see if this baby looks like the postman!" there will be lots of crass comments because that's just how my family is. I think talking to them about it will just make it worse. I can take it because they've been like this my whole life but I'm concerned about my kids. I think those kind of "jokes" are going to confuse and hurt them. I've had to have many "grandparent management conversations" with my kids about how nana and poppa are sometimes rude, unkind and don't always tell the truth so it won't be anything new to them but I'm just worried about how bad the comments are going to get. I don't even know if there is anything to do other than just keep our distance (which is easy because they're all in Canada and I'm in the States). Just wanted to see if any of you girls have had some similar experiences and/or have some advice. Thanks!
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Re: Managing obnoxious family members

  • bcashawbcashaw member
    My older kids are pretty good at ignoring my in laws that like to talk shit. I like to remind them if i know something is going to come up that i dont agree with what their grandparents are going to say/do   it helps  them go into situations with their eyes  open. 
     As for uour kids being upset or hurt by it, if you plan to have your family in their lives and your family is just like that, then that is something your kids will have to learn eventually anyways 
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  • homeschooljewelhomeschooljewel member
    True. It's just frustrating that I have to couch everything with my kids. My parents are always complaining that we don't visit much and don't call enough. Well, if you weren't such jerks we might do it more!
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  • Yiggle09Yiggle09 member
    I can't believe they would insinuate adultery in front of your children. That is so completely inappropriate and honestly they of all people should know your character. I suppose if they are going to "crack jokes" you should tell them to do it not in front of your children. 
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  • pisciesbaby2021pisciesbaby2021 member
    My mother in law is full on and has no filter with what she says and whenever we go and see her, I dread to think what will come out of her mouth. So I feel your pain! Whenever my 13 month old tries to do something like stand up or climb and he falls over, she says things like ‘well aren’t you a stupid boy’. It makes my skin crawl. I say ‘he’s not stupid, he’s learning’. I just think the less time with them, the better. I’ve also got to work on my confidence too and learn to stand up and clearly say what is acceptable and not acceptable for her to say around my son before he gets old enough to understand what she’s saying. 
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  • juliebeannnjuliebeannn member
    edited July 2020
    @pisciesbaby2021 Oh helllll no.  I'm so sorry your MIL is so terrible.  I agree that less time with them the better.  Especially as he gets older and starts to understand, he doesn't need anyone telling him he's stupid.  Ugh. I'm so sorry! This makes me so furious for you! I'm so glad you're learning to speak up for you and your family! 
    Together 2007 | Married 2011 | Me: 36 | DH: 38
    Adopted Furbaby: 2014
    TTC#1 : 1/2016 | IUI #2 - BFP 12/24/16 -- born 9/8/17
    TTC#2: 11/2019 | Dx DOR (AMH 0.3), AMA
    IUI #2 - BFP 7/1/20 -- EDD 3/14/21
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  • kloe818kloe818 member
    Our biggest issue at the moment is that my sister-in-law is demanding that we pick up all the baby stuff she's saved from her child who's now 6 yrs. I'm 8 weeks with 2 mc under my belt. I'm not ready to plan that far ahead and she's to the point of "pick it up or I'm giving it away" and my husband told her "Fine, just get rid of it" and then his mother came over to talk to him about his attitude problem. Sister is the spoiled baby of the family. It's GREAT. His cousin is jealous of his oldest sister's financial success and refuses to visit at the weekend home and missed out on our pregnancy announcement and is now refusing to talk to me. 
    My family is not the drama side this time around. While we were TTC my sister was really putting the pressure on me to "hurry up and make me an auntie" and then telling me that her brother-in-law and his gf made her an aunt before I did when they bought a puppy. My sister has since calmed down. 
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  • bcashawbcashaw member
    @kloe818 im so sorry, that sounds like a lot to deal with. Hopefully they can chill out a bit. 
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  • jenotontxjenotontx member
    @pisciesbaby2021 OMG noooo. My jaw hit the ground reading your post. I would have gone off! Sounds like some firm boundaries need to be set for sure! 

    @kloe818 I can understand why she may be ready to get all that stuff out of her house but your husband did the right thing if you don't feel ready to have it all yet! That's so bizarre about the cousin though. Does his sister flaunt her money or something?? She made her own choices not to come visit though. Not your problem! 
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  • jenn622-2jenn622-2 member
    Ugh. I’m dreading my MIL finding out. She announced my first pregnancy on FACEBOOK literally 10 minutes after I told her we were NOT telling other people yet and to keep it quiet. I told DH we aren’t telling her until the baby is born!
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  • jemjedjemjed member
    @jenn622-2 Nooo she didn’t 🙄🙄🙄 ugh! I was super annoyed that my MIL told multiple people the name we had chosen for our first child which we were keeping a secret from everyone but our parents. All the people she invited to the shower had the name written on their card/gift.  
    my SIL is super annoying and gets pissed over stupid stuff and stops talking to us. She had not seen us in almost 2 years when we had the shower for our daughter. The shower was in April. She saw our daughter once after she was born and then got pissed about my husbands text inviting her to the baptism (the text just said no pressure since it was out of state) and hasn’t spoken to us again since. My husband thinks she will act like nothing happened once we announce this pregnancy. I just don’t have time or energy for her.
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  • princessjenneyprincessjenney member
    So far we've only told our parents (and DD10yo of course). I don't even want my sisters to know until I hit 2nd tri. I don't *think* my mom has told my sisters... if she has they haven't said anything.

    We have one person (who I don't even like to refer to as family) who I hope never finds out, because he hates my Husband (no fault of his). I just feel like I don't want his negative vibes coming my way. 🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️
    DD1 - 2010 TTC v2.0
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