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Trouble TTC
Piccola1988
member
Advice: How to best support my friend [TW: other children, pregnancies]
Piccola1988
member
I’m hoping this isn’t triggering or insensitive. I’m in search of a bit of advice on how to support a friend I suspect is struggling.
I have a friend group that I’m close but not too close with — girls I don’t see often but text with regularly and would probably share anything with. The group has had pregnancy after pregnancy over the last few years. One friend has been trying for a baby for a while now. Recently, the only other friend in this group without children announced her pregnancy, followed closely by another second pregnancy announcement.
Even before the most recent announcement I can’t stop thinking about her and how she must feel. She’s been so quiet in our group chat and my heart breaks for her. I don’t want to overstep — she did talk to me last year about how they were trying and it hadn’t happened yet but she hasn’t mentioned anything since. Another friend of ours told me she reached out but I found her message a bit insensitive so that’s also given me pause.
Even before the most recent announcement I can’t stop thinking about her and how she must feel. She’s been so quiet in our group chat and my heart breaks for her. I don’t want to overstep — she did talk to me last year about how they were trying and it hadn’t happened yet but she hasn’t mentioned anything since. Another friend of ours told me she reached out but I found her message a bit insensitive so that’s also given me pause.
I’m thinking maybe I should text her just to ask how she is, tell her I miss her, and not mention babies, but I don’t want it to be obvious why I am checking in on her and I don’t want it to look like I’ve overlooked the obvious pain she must be in. Am I overthinking? Should I leave her alone?
Edited because it was definitely too long!
Re: Advice: How to best support my friend [TW: other children, pregnancies]
I would reach out and probably say something to her, but give her the out if she doesn't want to talk about it. For me, what was really helpful was when one of my friends texted me separately and just said something like "I'm thinking of you. I know one point you were really hoping for kids, not sure how you're feeling now but I know a lot of women struggle with getting pregnant and if that's the case I'm sure all these babies make it even harder. No pressure to have kids or anything, but I'm here for you if there is anything I can do or if you want to just talk about totally random stuff. Just know I'm thinking about you."
I ended up staying very quiet on the group texts but texting my friend all the time. It is nice to be able to tell her about all the medications I was on and roll my eyes at the people who were complaining about pregnancy symptoms I would have given anything to have. Like when someone texted the group saying "OMG I regret getting pregnant this morning sickness is killing me" I burst into tears & immediately texted the one friend. So I would say definitely reach out. I am so appreciative of the people who reached out and asked questions and really supported me. Unfortunately infertility is often very taboo and not talked about, which makes it so much harder for the people going through it. The friends who figured it out and reached out without shame or judgement but just with 100% support are the ones I am closest with now and I can't imagine how I would have survived all this without them. It took me a LONG time before I told anyone how much we were struggling, and the first people to find out were all people who reached out to me.
We have been TTC for 8mths for baby #1 and now starting to investigate with drs.
I think reaching out to her is a great idea and like @2dogsmom Said give her an out.
I have withdrawn from friends who are pregnant because of the emotion pain I put on myself, also the constant conversation of symptoms and planning I feel as though I can not contribute to the conversations and feel excluded.