Trying to Get Pregnant
eas1987
member
TW TTC after death of an older child
eas1987
member
(This is a crosspost from babyandbump as I wasn't sure which forum received more traffic and I am trying to get some input from mothers who have been in my position)
I gave birth to my first child at 17. While he was entirely unplanned, my then boyfriend and now husband and I welcomed him with open arms. We made drastic changes to our life plans so that we could be the best possible parents to him and had an incredible amount of support from our friends and family. I had a normal pregnancy, a relatively normal delivery, and our son was born healthy and happy at 40w3d. We started college, raised our baby, and generally lived a quiet, unremarkable life.
Without going into extensive detail, our son was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia shortly following his 3rd birthday and he passed 6 months later. We were 20 and 21 respectively. His loss almost destroyed us as individuals and as a couple and it took us quite some time to get to a place where we felt we could move forward. We had an incredible amount of support and with the help of our family, an amazing therapist, and each other, we made it out on the other side.
By the time we were in any state to consider trying for another child, we were both in medical school (same city, different programs) and then we were facing down our internships and residencies and potential fellowships. While we both certainly had classmates who had families during this period of their lives, we were fragile enough that we both agree that waiting was the right answer for us.
We are now in our early 30s and finally settled into our careers and into the city we intend to call home going forward. I have an appointment to have my IUD removed next Wednesday and we will be trying in earnest from there. I'm having a lot of emotions about this potential pregnancy and while I fully understand what is happening psychologically and physically, it's a hard thing to talk about with people who haven't been there.
My husband has been absolutely amazing and supportive, but even though he has some general reservations, his overwhelming emotion is excitement. His siblings have both recently had children, so he's had baby fever for a bit now. Don't get me wrong, I am excited as well, but naturally there are a lot of underlying anxieties. I know logically that our son's cancer was not genetic in origin and there was nothing that I did or didn't do during my pregnancy or in the years before he became sick that contributed to the oncologic process. It was just extremely tragic luck.
As mothers who have lost a child, how did you work through these anxieties when it came time to conceive again? I am still seeing a therapist and it was actually her suggestion that I reach out to other mothers in similar situations. I want to be the best possible mother to my future child/children and I do not want them to live with the burden of my grief.
I gave birth to my first child at 17. While he was entirely unplanned, my then boyfriend and now husband and I welcomed him with open arms. We made drastic changes to our life plans so that we could be the best possible parents to him and had an incredible amount of support from our friends and family. I had a normal pregnancy, a relatively normal delivery, and our son was born healthy and happy at 40w3d. We started college, raised our baby, and generally lived a quiet, unremarkable life.
Without going into extensive detail, our son was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia shortly following his 3rd birthday and he passed 6 months later. We were 20 and 21 respectively. His loss almost destroyed us as individuals and as a couple and it took us quite some time to get to a place where we felt we could move forward. We had an incredible amount of support and with the help of our family, an amazing therapist, and each other, we made it out on the other side.
By the time we were in any state to consider trying for another child, we were both in medical school (same city, different programs) and then we were facing down our internships and residencies and potential fellowships. While we both certainly had classmates who had families during this period of their lives, we were fragile enough that we both agree that waiting was the right answer for us.
We are now in our early 30s and finally settled into our careers and into the city we intend to call home going forward. I have an appointment to have my IUD removed next Wednesday and we will be trying in earnest from there. I'm having a lot of emotions about this potential pregnancy and while I fully understand what is happening psychologically and physically, it's a hard thing to talk about with people who haven't been there.
My husband has been absolutely amazing and supportive, but even though he has some general reservations, his overwhelming emotion is excitement. His siblings have both recently had children, so he's had baby fever for a bit now. Don't get me wrong, I am excited as well, but naturally there are a lot of underlying anxieties. I know logically that our son's cancer was not genetic in origin and there was nothing that I did or didn't do during my pregnancy or in the years before he became sick that contributed to the oncologic process. It was just extremely tragic luck.
As mothers who have lost a child, how did you work through these anxieties when it came time to conceive again? I am still seeing a therapist and it was actually her suggestion that I reach out to other mothers in similar situations. I want to be the best possible mother to my future child/children and I do not want them to live with the burden of my grief.
Re: TW TTC after death of an older child
https://forums.thebump.com/categories/loss
One was that you are living with your grief either way. You can either choose to try again or choose to stop trying, but the pain from your previous loss(es) would still be there. So you have to do what is best for you and your family/situation. So make a choice (which it sounds like you have), and just keep working through it!
The second was that if/when you become pregnant, remember that you are pregnant that day. And that every day you are pregnant with that baby you can give it all the love that you have (same thing with every day from when it's born). If you lose the pregnancy (or the baby) later on, there's likely nothing you can do to stop that, so being afraid to become 'attached' to the baby or love it will only cause regrets later that you didn't love it the entire time that you had it... regardless of whether you get to love it for 6 weeks of pregnancy, 4 months of pregnancy, or only 3 years of the baby's life. All you can do is TTC and love that baby for as long/short a time as you have it.
But to echo what others have said, although most of us haven't experienced a loss like that, this is a very supportive community that you can feel free to share your TTC woes or find support from so many kind, smart and sassy women! I personally feel I can share things here that my IRL family and friends wouldn't understand. Welcome, I hope your stay here is short! And when you do move on to your BMB (birth month board), it's so nice to have some familiar faces from TTGP and know there's a whole group here rooting for you.
DS: 6/1/18 (Pre-E; IUGR; seizures; NICU)
TTC #2: 12/2019
Sept 2020: HSG possible blocked right tube
Nov 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFN
Dec 2020: Letrozole + TI - BFP!!! EDD 9/18
**TW**
Loss and TTCAL and PGAL mentioned in box**
I have been thinking about you and lurking around the loss boards on this site. They don't seem very active so in an attempt to connect with you I will post here.
I had a longer response that I originally posted but upon realizing that it was not very sensitive to the regulars on this board, I deleted most of it.
I had a stillbirth almost 9 years ago. It was our first child and she passed away shortly before birth at 39 weeks. It was an emergency c-section and there was no cause that could be found for her passing. The pregnancy was healthy up until the final days and she appeared just fine. My DH and I were devastated. Life had pretty much lost all meaning for us. We leaned on support from family, our caring community of friends and therapy. It was 6 months before we felt ready to put ourselves out there and try again. The journey was very difficult and fraught with anxiety. I kept hope via the things I mentioned above, reading books about PGAL (not many but they DO exist), journaling, artwork, in person support groups for parents of deceased children (this was a big help).
I have a cousin who lost her 3 year old to a tragic accident. I can't speak for her as she lives out of state now but they did have a subsequent child I think about 5-6 years later. Her PG and first year were filled with anxiety. I think things are better for her now but I can't say for her emotional state as we don't talk much. What little info I get I glean from my aunt. (I do continue to send her and my aunt messages every year when his birthday and angelversary come around.)
I now have 3 living children. (My youngest was 11 weeks premature.) I will back you up on how hard this all is. I get it. If you want to message me you can. I'll keep checking my inbox and this post in the coming days. ❤