DH had an alarm set from last week for 3AM to check the weather (he snow plows). He SNOOZED it last night, so it went off again at like 3:10 and I was up for 1.5 hrs trying to get back to sleep. He got some evil eyes all morning.
Today is the one year anniversary of our son’s death. This morning my SIL called me and said, “just want you to know I’m thinking of you, and to tell you that we went to a medium and the baby came through! He said he’s at peace. I think he came through because I put the oil on his head when he was born.” What in the actual fuck.
I’m gonna stop there and explain the oil. When we got the diagnosis, she said she had a client who gave her this oil and told her to put it on the baby’s head and pray, and he would be healed. I absolutely forbade it and she got a little pissy. Apparently when we gave them their hour to hold him, she did it anyway.
I’m furious right now and honestly thisclose to telling her that I hope it was worth it, because she won’t be seeing either of my children ever again. I know it’s an irrational response but seriously, WTF.
@ieles2531 oh wow. how did you handle that? I would have hung the F up on her and refuse to talk to her for a long time. and what the hell type of support is that for you? She should have stopped her comment after "i'm thinking of you" and left it at that. I'm sorry she seems so selfish in your pain. I'm so sorry about your loss. You should be able to grieve without the insensitivity of others taking over.
@ieles2531 umm not irrational at all! WTF lady. I hope this SIL is your brothers wife and not your husbands sister that way you can disown quicker. My MIL and her sisters go to a medium and MIL came back to MH after his father and grandmother (her ex-family of almost 40 years) died and told him that they were together now and his grandmother was a peace because she was finally able to join her son in heaven. (His father died 6 months before his grandmother).
I'm sorry if this if your belief (mediums) but I just think it's uncalled for, for people to lie their beliefs on you when you're in mourning.
As for me, my BF is nothing now reading that and I feel stupid writing it, but I teach at a pk-12 . Just this year did we (the high school) move into the school, and this morning for cafe duty (pk- grade 5) they had me and another high school teacher doing the duty. Neither of us knew how to deal with the little kids. I had one table tattling saying that this student kept saying "penis" over and over again. With my high school students it would be a quick don't be an idiot kid and move on also they wouldn't be tattling about something like that, but I had no idea what to do with the little kindergartener. I kind of wanted to say, yes I know you have one of those but no one cares about it so just shut up. But alas that would make a small child cry, I found an aid and asked her to deal with it because I had no idea. Why do you schedule high school teachers to watch little kids?
@ieles2531 I’m so sorry that you had to deal with your SIL insensitivity on top of what is already surely a difficult day for you.
My BF is that is seriously can’t hardly stand MH right now. He is severely insensitive to my being pregnant and he also told me that I don’t really have anything to do, all these things I want done I’m just making up in my head. I want toys organized and put in bedrooms or basements from Christmas. I want a cupboard cleaned out for new bottles and formula for the baby. I want to buy an armoire for baby’s clothes because he doesn’t have a closet and none of the rest of us have closet room to share with him. He tells me routinely how lazy I am or that I am in pain because I am “just sitting around all day.” This morning when I woke him up while the alarm was going off, because he doesn’t hear it and won’t wake up to his Apple Watch, to ask him if he wanted to snooze or turn it off he just yelled at me. So I turned it off and 10 minutes later asked him if he was going to work. He yelled at me some more and then got up (he had to be at work in 20 minutes). He just came home for lunch and scolded me for not having our kids outside playing. I’m leaving for work in a half hour. For a 10 hour shift. I’m okay letting them entertain themselves for the hour we had between cleaning up from breakfast and getting ready for the day. He also had the audacity to tell me that I’m the one being mean. I am seriously over it. I don’t know what I want to say to him, I just want him to be more supportive and helpful, and thoughtful toward our family. He’s said repeatedly that by the time you’re on your third kid, none of it matters anymore anyhow.
@jhysmath I personally think mediums are ridiculous but whatever people believe. She’s always been a drama queen so I’m trying to just be like Elsa and Let It Go.
As for your BF not gonna lie it made me laugh. DD goes to a PK-12 and they actually make the 11-12 graders supervise the littles during breakfast and extended day. It’s part of their mandatory volunteer hours. I often wonder how much Valium my DD’s teacher takes on any given day 😂
@ieles2531 I’m so sorry for your loss and sending all the good energy in the world to you today. I’m also really sorry that your SIL is an insensitive idiot who disrespected your wishes and you have every right in the world to restrict her access to your children. Unfortunately it doesn’t help your grief to hold on to that anger toward her and it’s probably the healthiest thing to embody Elsa right now. I wish you all of the inner peace and healing today and every day. 💜
@jhysmath Thats pretty hilarious and I hope you can laugh about it now that the immediate situation is over. I suppose you could always approach it from the health education perspective and give a mini lesson on anatomy and how these are normal body parts that everyone has in the hopes of embarrassing the kids into silence with scientific facts.
@JStill0603 That’s pretty crappy of your husband to say any and all of that. Unfortunately, I doubt he will ever change. We’re here for you.
@ieles2531 Wow! I'm so sorry that you we're put through that. I'd contemplate cutting someone out of my life over that too!
@jhysmath Oh man! I'm so used to high schoolers these days I don't always even know how to deal with middle schoolers but elementary! Oh no, I'd be a joke! I think I'd throw out to my admin that I'm only certified 7-12. 😅
@ieles2531 I cannot believe that she said that to you. I am so sorry you have to deal with that on top of an already hard day. I am with PP hoping it’s a married in SIL and not your husband’s sister. I was so pissed reading that for you I was thinking of ways to cut her out.
@ieles2531 I'm sorry your SIL said that to you. I agree with @mamaqdubu that she should have stopped after "I'm thinking of you". Hugs on this tough day.
@JStill0603 I'm not sure if this is normal behaviour for your H or if he's going through something, but taking it all out on you and treating you like this is not ok. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and starts treating you better.
@ieles2531 I'm so sorry. I would generally cut that person out of my life, you shouldn't have to listen to that.
@JStill0603 Ugh, I'm sorry. My husband is better now, but had a really hard time even trying to see my perspective on things while pregnant. I hope yours comes around-there are household things to get done, and some are much easier sooner rather than later.
@jhysmath I got nothing. That is something my 3 year old would do, and I would laugh immaturely. And try to convince him that other people don't want to hear about it....but we'd probably end up in a longer conversation about anatomy and me asking the others to deal with talking about bodies. I would fail.
My BF- on day 5 of no school. Planned, because the school is weird. Two institute days last Thurs & Fri, plus President's Day, and then this Fri is parents participation day. I just want my him in school, OK? I can't take kids outside to play by myself, so my son needs school for sanity!
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Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
@JStill0603 I had a complete breakdown over the lack of help from my husband this weekend. I told him taking care of one thing around the house does not exempt him from doing other chores. (in tears) I tried to stress upon him that I only nag and ask for his help because I legitimately need it and I'd do these things myself if I could. The most recent fail on his part, after me nagging him for a week to shovel the driveway and him not doing it is that the company came to fill our propane tank the other day and they left without filling the tank due to the amount of snow in the driveway. Now we could run out of gas and it's all because he wouldn't shovel the driveway after being asked 100 times when I told him I physically can't do it. (believe me, I try, I shovel the steps and around the gates and some small places and that's all I can handle before I feel like I'm going to pass out)
@ieles2531 I know it's an upsetting day and I know what your SIL said/did is upsetting, and I'm sorry she is causing you more pain instead of making you feel better. She is coming from a place of caring and everyone grieves in different ways. Hang in there and try and find some peace.
@ieles2531 I am so sorry about your very difficult day today, and that your SIL was so incredibly insensitive about it.
@JStill0603 Wow... I'm sorry you're getting no empathy from YH. Would you ever consider asking him to come to couple's counseling? Because it sounds like he's really lacking any respect for you, and that's not healthy or fair to you.
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@ieles2531 First, I'm sorry about your son and I can't imagine how you must be feeling today. Your SIL is a selfish TW - there's no other reason for her to tell you she did that, other than to let you know she *believes* she was right. Screw her. I would have been seriously tempted to respond with an FU and nothing else. I also would not let her visit this baby in the hospital, as she clearly has no respect for you and cannot be trusted.
@JStill0603 I just can't when I hear stories about husbands pulling this crap. Regardless of whether or not you're pregnant (although the fact that you are makes it extra douchey), you guys are a team and if you need help, he should give it. I second counseling - this is something that is going to cause so much resentment over time.
@JStill0603 MH and I had that problem when I was pregnant with my first. I was adamant that I needed X,Y and Z completed and he just didn't see the need. When we moved and DD had never slept in her crib in the 13 months since he *had* to build it for me he got angry again. I think looking back there are things I see that *need* to be done and he just doesn't understand so I stopped fighting it. I did win the fight that he does not get to set an alarm though because they anger me so much in the morning, especially when he feels the need to set it for an hour before he needs to get up and snooze it for a half hour or longer. Now I have my fitbit alarm on my wrist and I tap him when it goes off and if he doesn't get up I leave and get DD and I ready and send her up in 10 minutes. You can't ignore a 1.5 year old yelling at you that it's time to wake up.
And thank you to everyone who understands that I have no idea how to deal with the small children. My own I definitely would have an anatomy talk with. My high school students I would do the same to "embarrass" them because they think it is embarrassing and I can talk at length about it without batting an eye and love to make things awkward. @ieles2531 I wish we could make the students do the duty, I had a parent complain and call our super when I asked them to move desks from one classroom to another, because that's the job of the custodian I shouldn't be asking students to do the work.
@ieles2531 I'm so sorry you had to hear this from her on what is already a hard day for you. I hope you can tell her how upset this this makes you and that it's going to affect your relationship moving forward.
@JStill0603 I hope that you and your husband can work through this. You shouldn't have to deal with those comments, especially not while you're pregnant.
@ieles2531 I’m so sorry that your SIL decided to be so horrible on such an already difficult day. I absolutely would have gone off on her if she said that and did something specifically against my wishes. I’m very pro cutting those people out of your life. Also, a medium?! Lol no thanks.
@JStill0603 so sorry to hear your husband treating you like that. It definitely sounds like he has something going on internally and it isn’t fair that he’s taking it out on you. I agree with the others who have mentioned counseling simply because he seems like he needs to get something off his chest for him to even be able to listen to your reasoning and needs. FX he changes his tune soon!
Thanks for the support. I’ve asked MH to go to counseling before. I’ve been to counseling without him twice. He “doesn’t believe in counseling.” He also wasn’t like this in the year we dated before we married or the year we lived together while engaged. He started being different when I was pregnant with DS and it hasn’t stopped since. Whoever said he doesn’t have any respect for me is correct, that’s exactly how I feel. And when I bring things up to him, he says “that’s just how I am, that’s me. You married me.” Then he usually apologizes. I have just had it this time, it’s been ongoing for 3ish weeks now. Since SS was sick and I was working and DH was refusing to cancel his plans to care for him. Idk what kind of internal issues he is having but I need more from him as a partner, overall it just makes me very sad.
@JStill0603 I'm really sorry. That isn't fair to you. I hope it doesn't come to a more severe ultimatum for him to realize he needs serious work on his respect issues. It's not a good way for your kids to be seeing their father treat their mother, either. Is he only like this when you are pregnant, or did he continue in the time between your pregnancies?
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
My BF is that I’m a nanny and I got to work and was told that two of the kids have an outdoor hockey practice tonight from 6-7. Totally fine right?
Except I get off at 6:30... hockey until 7, and then getting them out of their gear and home means I likely won’t get out of here until 7:30. I don’t mind working late if I’m asked ahead of time, but they didn’t even ask, just told me about hockey and left for work. ALSO, if I would have known ahead of time I would have possibly brought a hat, mittens, warmer clothes, and boots. But instead I’ve got tennis shoes and no socks, really light weight leggings, and a coat. 🙄
@JStill0603 I agree that you deserve better than how you’re being treated. I don’t think I would be able to tolerate that behavior from DH, but I also realize this is a BF thread so I was hoping maybe this is a one off behavior and we all need to complain about our significant others at times no matter how great they are, but it does sound like maybe it’s more. I hope you’re able to find a solution that works for you so you get treated how you and your children deserve. Hugs!
@bananapanda definitely not a one off, but it comes and goes. Gets better then gets worse .... in cycles. And it’s super complicated with all things considered including SS. But really just needed a BF because he’s been so rude lately and who else do I have to tell 🤷♀️
@ieles2531 I’m so sorry both for what today represents and for your SIL’s insensitivity. I agree with everyone that I would definitely not let her visit this baby in the hospital or for a long time afterwards.
@JStill0603 your H’s attitude of “that’s just how I am” is what concerns me the most here. If he’s not open to change, then this is a pattern that is likely to continue, and that’s not healthy for you or your kids. I don’t know if I would take this lightly if I were you.
@jhysmath I also have NO idea how to deal with younger kids! I taught K-5 music for one year and it literally made me quit teaching for 4 years after that. 😬
@ieles2531 I'm sorry friend, I'm sure yesterday was hard and your SIL really did not help. I hope you were able to take time to yourself.
@jhysmath I'm sure that was hard. When I was in 8th grade we got a new English teacher, she taught Kindergarten prior to that. Boy did my class giver her such a hard time. I felt bad for her.
@JStill0603 I'm sorry about your H, that is tough. I've had times like that with my H in the past. He can just be so awful in the mornings before he is really up. I hope you and your H can find a way to work through this phase.
@bender29 That is irritating. Being a Nanny is still a job and you need to know your hours and expectations ahead of time! What time do the parents work? Do they not have typical business hours?
@m6agua Tuesday-Thursday I have a regular business hour schedule. Mondays I work a weird schedule because the husband works an even shift and the mom gets home after 5 and typically dance starts at 5 on Mondays, so I tackle the whole dance schedule until 6:30, which I’m fine with. But since they didn’t have dance yesterday and their hockey team added an outdoor practice they decided I should take them to it. Which again, is fine with me, if I would have been prepared. But instead I froze my ass off with wet feet while it poured snow all over me. I did finagle a way to leave at 6:30 and their mom took over, thankfully. But by then I was soaked.
@bender29 Ugh, yeah, that's not OK. A simple "I need a day or two notice to be prepared for outdoors and longer hours" might work. Sounded like they just flaked and didn't think, which isn't really OK. Totally agreed on it's on them to request a schedule and activity change.
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Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
Thanks everyone for your support yesterday. It wasn’t as hard as I was expecting, probably because MH got someone to cover his shift and DD doesn’t have school this week.
Unfortunately my SIL is my husband’s sister. Honestly, his family was really close to being a dealbreaker for me...they are just super dramatic about everything (on the baby’s birthday they all wrote a long FB post complete with pics of them crying over a cupcake with a 1 candle 🙄) and gave me a hard time the first 3 years we were together. We actually decided with this baby to ban any visitors from the hospital. People can come when we are at home and settled.
@ieles2531 So sorry about your SIL. I have the feeling that truly empathetic people who know what and when to say it are so rare...
@JStill0603 That is definitely not ok, just like everyone else said. That's tough that YH doesn't see the use of counselling. Do you perhaps have some friends he respects that you could call over for dinner and ask them to mediate a discussion? We actually did this for some friends of ours a while ago. She was pregnant with twins and on bedrest which brought a lot of frustration between them. Getting off their island and getting a neutral perspective seems to have helped...
Re: Monday BF
Today is the one year anniversary of our son’s death. This morning my SIL called me and said, “just want you to know I’m thinking of you, and to tell you that we went to a medium and the baby came through! He said he’s at peace. I think he came through because I put the oil on his head when he was born.” What in the actual fuck.
I’m gonna stop there and explain the oil. When we got the diagnosis, she said she had a client who gave her this oil and told her to put it on the baby’s head and pray, and he would be healed. I absolutely forbade it and she got a little pissy. Apparently when we gave them their hour to hold him, she did it anyway.
I'm sorry if this if your belief (mediums) but I just think it's uncalled for, for people to lie their beliefs on you when you're in mourning.
As for me, my BF is nothing now reading that and I feel stupid writing it, but I teach at a pk-12 . Just this year did we (the high school) move into the school, and this morning for cafe duty (pk- grade 5) they had me and another high school teacher doing the duty. Neither of us knew how to deal with the little kids. I had one table tattling saying that this student kept saying "penis" over and over again. With my high school students it would be a quick don't be an idiot kid and move on also they wouldn't be tattling about something like that, but I had no idea what to do with the little kindergartener. I kind of wanted to say, yes I know you have one of those but no one cares about it so just shut up. But alas that would make a small child cry, I found an aid and asked her to deal with it because I had no idea. Why do you schedule high school teachers to watch little kids?
@jhysmath Thats pretty hilarious and I hope you can laugh about it now that the immediate situation is over. I suppose you could always approach it from the health education perspective and give a mini lesson on anatomy and how these are normal body parts that everyone has in the hopes of embarrassing the kids into silence with scientific facts.
@JStill0603 That’s pretty crappy of your husband to say any and all of that. Unfortunately, I doubt he will ever change. We’re here for you.
@jhysmath Oh man! I'm so used to high schoolers these days I don't always even know how to deal with middle schoolers but elementary! Oh no, I'd be a joke! I think I'd throw out to my admin that I'm only certified 7-12. 😅
@JStill0603 I'm not sure if this is normal behaviour for your H or if he's going through something, but taking it all out on you and treating you like this is not ok. I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and starts treating you better.
@JStill0603 Ugh, I'm sorry. My husband is better now, but had a really hard time even trying to see my perspective on things while pregnant. I hope yours comes around-there are household things to get done, and some are much easier sooner rather than later.
@jhysmath I got nothing. That is something my 3 year old would do, and I would laugh immaturely. And try to convince him that other people don't want to hear about it....but we'd probably end up in a longer conversation about anatomy and me asking the others to deal with talking about bodies. I would fail.
My BF- on day 5 of no school. Planned, because the school is weird. Two institute days last Thurs & Fri, plus President's Day, and then this Fri is parents participation day. I just want my him in school, OK? I can't take kids outside to play by myself, so my son needs school for sanity!
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
@JStill0603 Wow... I'm sorry you're getting no empathy from YH. Would you ever consider asking him to come to couple's counseling? Because it sounds like he's really lacking any respect for you, and that's not healthy or fair to you.
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
@JStill0603 I just can't when I hear stories about husbands pulling this crap. Regardless of whether or not you're pregnant (although the fact that you are makes it extra douchey), you guys are a team and if you need help, he should give it. I second counseling - this is something that is going to cause so much resentment over time.
And thank you to everyone who understands that I have no idea how to deal with the small children. My own I definitely would have an anatomy talk with. My high school students I would do the same to "embarrass" them because they think it is embarrassing and I can talk at length about it without batting an eye and love to make things awkward. @ieles2531 I wish we could make the students do the duty, I had a parent complain and call our super when I asked them to move desks from one classroom to another, because that's the job of the custodian I shouldn't be asking students to do the work.
@JStill0603 I hope that you and your husband can work through this. You shouldn't have to deal with those comments, especially not while you're pregnant.
FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
Except I get off at 6:30... hockey until 7, and then getting them out of their gear and home means I likely won’t get out of here until 7:30. I don’t mind working late if I’m asked ahead of time, but they didn’t even ask, just told me about hockey and left for work. ALSO, if I would have known ahead of time I would have possibly brought a hat, mittens, warmer clothes, and boots. But instead I’ve got tennis shoes and no socks, really light weight leggings, and a coat. 🙄
@JStill0603 your H’s attitude of “that’s just how I am” is what concerns me the most here. If he’s not open to change, then this is a pattern that is likely to continue, and that’s not healthy for you or your kids. I don’t know if I would take this lightly if I were you.
@jhysmath I also have NO idea how to deal with younger kids! I taught K-5 music for one year and it literally made me quit teaching for 4 years after that. 😬
@jhysmath I'm sure that was hard. When I was in 8th grade we got a new English teacher, she taught Kindergarten prior to that. Boy did my class giver her such a hard time. I felt bad for her.
@JStill0603 I'm sorry about your H, that is tough. I've had times like that with my H in the past. He can just be so awful in the mornings before he is really up. I hope you and your H can find a way to work through this phase.
@bender29 That is irritating. Being a Nanny is still a job and you need to know your hours and expectations ahead of time! What time do the parents work? Do they not have typical business hours?
- BFP: 3/10/16 — Baby Girl born 11/20/16
TTC#2 April 2019DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
We actually decided with this baby to ban any visitors from the hospital. People can come when we are at home and settled.
@JStill0603 That is definitely not ok, just like everyone else said. That's tough that YH doesn't see the use of counselling. Do you perhaps have some friends he respects that you could call over for dinner and ask them to mediate a discussion? We actually did this for some friends of ours a while ago. She was pregnant with twins and on bedrest which brought a lot of frustration between them. Getting off their island and getting a neutral perspective seems to have helped...