Introductory Post

zimmie0818 · December 2019

Hello!

I am 31, TTC for just a year now. My journey sort of escalated quickly and my husband and I never anticipated being at a fertility clinic after only 10 months of TTC.

After stopping birth control, my first 2 cycles were 45 days. My OB suggested doing ovulation tests to see if I was ovulating and I was not. I started on clomid 50mg, still nothing, so they upped it to 100mg. I got positive ovulation tests with this but still unsuccessful conceiving. After the 6th cycle and my doctor refusing to refill the script (which I understand they don’t recommend past 6 cycles), we went to a fertility clinic for another opinion and next steps.

Blood work and semen analysis were all normal. HSG came back with an “abnormality”. Diagnostic hysteroscopy showed 2 polyps. And 2 weeks ago I had a hysteroscopy and polypectomy. They also found that my tubes were clogged and cleaned those out. I immediately started on Femara this cycle and we do our first round of IUI at the end of this week.

I have good days and bad and am struggling being able to control when I get emotional. It sometimes just hits me. I have had a lot of anxiety, which I know doesn’t help when trying. How do you all handle the anxiety and not let it consumer your thoughts every day? I am also struggling with baby envy. One of my closest friends just announced she’s 11 weeks and as happy as I am for her, I don’t know how to deal with that feeling of ‘why not me?’. How do you all cope with that?

Thank you to those who take the time to read my message and respond. I am hoping that connecting with others helps me on this emotional journey. Please excuse me if I forget to use proper abbreviations or etiquette, I promise I will learn as I go.

hithertorue · December 2019

Hi @zimmie0818. Welcome. Sorry that you've found yourself here.

Hoping that this little corner of the internet might give you a anxiety-free place to let out your fears and emotions without judgement. Feel free to jump into our weekly thread. The new one for this week should be posted soon! And don't worry about the short forms, you will pick them up as you go. You can probably find a handy list somewhere. I know I found one once.

I'll be 35 in Jan, DH is 35 also. We have been TTC for over 2 years. We think now that we have had some mild male factor infertility (MFI) along with diminished ovarian reserves (DOR) as I had a prematurely lower AMH score. We did 6 IUI's and just went through an egg retrieval (ER) for IVF. We did chromosome testing (PGT-A or used to be called PGS) and we find out the results on Thursday.

I think we can all safely say we've been in those shoes emotionally, and it completely sucks. I've officially given up playing that mental game where when you find out someone is trying or pregnant you imagine if it would just work soon we could have our mat leaves together or our kids could be the same age. And the envy is real. I think you've just got to recognize that it isn't wrong to feel that way or to feel actual pain when faced with it. Sometimes you might have to disappoint by not going to that gathering where you know you're going to be around so and so whose newly pregnant... it's about knowing when you're at your limit so you can take care of your own mental well being. That should be a priority as much or more than the desire to not disappoint.

It's also so hard opening up to others who aren't or haven't gone through it. Unless you've been through it yourself it is so hard for anyone else to understand, even those highly empathetic people in our lives who may be part of our inner circle, they still can't quite understand what a struggle it is every day. Simple inane conversations become a knife in the gut. And both strangers and close friends/family can blindside you at any point. That's something that everyone who struggles to TTC has been through. Edited to add: but I've still found it helpful both for them and me to include these "outside" friends and family in on our journey. They've given me much more comfort than grief. But it's always painful when we have someone close who should know better say the wrong thing...

I found the transition from trying on our own to going into the fertility clinic initially like being under constant barrage of anxiety. New terms, tests, all the unknown factors, and appointments.... it's a lot to take in and overwhelming for anyone, let alone (and especially) someone already worn thin by TTC. But I do find that even if your first round isn't successful, the subsequent tries do get better because you're used to the process and the flow. And in the end I found it was easier that the TTC on our own. So I hope after the initial stress things do get calmer for you. Though obvious fingers crossed that you're done your journey soon!!

I don't know if there's a magic bullet for how to make it through except finding multiple outlets to make the anxious process a little easier.

For me: this board, acupuncture, having a few friends who are in on our journey I can talk to, meditating... I also think you have to learn not to put your life on hold hoping for a positive and think "well I couldn't do that if this works." Or, "if it works this time then _______". Those are the types of thoughts I felt were the most self-sabotaging during the process.

That's probably where i should end my rant on TTC! Know that you're not alone. And you're less alone now than you were because you can come here and vent and rage and just "be".

inthewoods23 · December 2019

@zimmie0818 welcome! We've all been there. I often wonder if my anxiety is half our difficulties conceiving. Sigh. But I just look to the plan we have and get excited for the next day being one day closer to our goal.

2dogsmom · December 2019

@zimmie0818 sorry you have to be here but welcome to the board! I hope you can find as much comfort and camaraderie here as I have.

I ended up here in a similar way to you — my hubby & I started TTC about 2 years ago. After going off birth control I had 40-45 day cycles, with a random 23 day cycle here and there. I started Clomid January of 2019 which seems to have helped regulate that some. In July we added trigger shots and IUI. I am doing IUI #5 this cycle.

I have definitely struggled with anxiety & baby envy like you’ve mentioned. I find having this group to be able to vent with people who really get it is very helpful. I hope you’ll join us on our weekly threads, it helps!

amgpg25 · December 2019

@zimmie0818: Like the others have mentioned, we all know the struggle with baby envy and anxiety. The first time I went to see my brother-in-law's new born, my mother-in-law said so any good news from you. I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom. I was miserable for how I felt when the rest of the family was celebrating. My husband had to say we surely can't have a baby without you noticing, to his mom and I love him more for that. I have one friend I can talk to about everything. We have shared a lot of our struggles for the past 12 years and it always helps to have someone like that. I have had meltdowns in front of my husband and he has always been supportive. The message boards help a lot too. Don't bottle it up. It is ok to share your emotions with people you trust. My RE in the first appointment told me to be prepared for a marathon and manage our emotions. It isn't a sprint and you have to be patient with yourself was what he told me and my husband. Despite, all that, the first few months were hard. But it does get easier (it is never easy, just relatively easier), especially once I understood the plan and how and why everything was being done. Take care of yourself. Good luck.

zimmie0818 · December 2019

@amgpg25 @2dogsmom @inthewoods23 @hithertorue

Thank you all for you comments and I’m sorry you’re all struggling as well. I’d be lying if I said your responses didn’t make me cry again. But, it helped me to go into our appointment this morning with a positive attitude. We go Saturday morning for IUI and I left our appointment today actually happy! Excited about next steps and hopeful we it will be successful.

I am a little anxious going into the holidays having to see all the extended family members who are going to ask “when are you two gonna start having kids?” and hoping it doesn’t trigger any emotional fits. Hopefully the well is dried up. Good luck to everyone through the holiday season!!! Stay positive

2dogsmom · December 2019

@zimmie0818 please join our weekly check in thread! It’s a great place for ongoing discussions and to be able to vent/talk about everything. It’s nice having people who really get it to share your updates with!

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