December STM+ Discussion

stassischroeder · December 2019

Feel free to follow a prompt if you'd like to, otherwise I think we should just talk about our existing kiddos and family!

How are your LOs? How's your SO?

silverhope · December 2019

DS is honestly such a sweet toddler and I need to remind myself to not get annoyed when he (inevitably) has tantrums. He’s really so good and I’m so lucky about so many things with him, but I have very little patience (pregnant or not) so I get annoyed at him easily. Poor little dude. He is the best though.

DH is also really helpful when he is home and I shouldn’t get so mad at him either. My chronic illness is flaring and DH’s family member is pissing me off, but neither of these are DH’s fault and I need to stop taking out my frustrations on him. I yelled at him
yesterday bc he blew a fuse when doing the Christmas tree lights (bc I am a grinch) and there was zero reason for me to do that.

So TLDR: DH and DS are great and it’s my attitude that needs to get together.

stassischroeder · December 2019

DS is amazing, and it completely morphing into an energetic toddler. He loves to run, climb, tackle, be tickled, etc. He still doesn't have many words (that I can decipher), but babbles and vocalizes ALL. DAY. LONG. A lot of our friends and family feel that he's saying words, and can communicate what he wants most of the time, but I usually couldn't tell you what words he's trying to say. He's also still very much a mama's boy... so I'm more nervous than ever about him adjusting to having to share me.

DH is such a wonderful father and husband. There have a been a few times lately where I feel like he dropped the ball with some housework, but for the most part, he's a 50/50 partner with household duties and parenting. He's also been very sympathetic when I'm not feeling well or my back and hips are bothering me, and does his best to make sure I don't have to lift, carry, or get down on the floor with DS too much.

Rant ahead, brought to you by Thanksgiving family time (in spoiler):

Why does anyone take offense to your child being shy? My MIL and BIL's girlfriend officially labeled DS as "doesn't like anyone" because he's shy and takes a while to warm up to people. WTAF.
I don't understand why anyone expects a 19 mo to be immediately comfortable in a brand new location with a large group of people that he's met maybe twice in his life. GIVE HIM 20 GODDAMN MINUTES TO WRAP HIS TODDLER BRAIN AROUND ALL OF THIS before you start being offended that he won't sit with you or leave me to go do something with you.
My child being shy doesn't mean there's one damn thing wrong with him. And, no, I absolutely will not force him to leave me if he doesn't want to.
I think they're usually trying to help, wanting to give me a break, but Christ, don't get in his face 2 seconds after we walk in the door or expect him to forget that I exist.

@silverhope it's admirable that you're conscious of your attitude, but try to cut yourself some slack, too! It's so hard to not be irritable when you're in pain or don't feel well - which is basically all of the time during pregnancy lol. I think we've all lost patience with our LOs or SOs. This sh!t is hard! Lately I've been getting annoyed with DH if he takes too long to get to the point when telling me a story And he's NOT an overly wordy person lol.

miss.sally · December 2019

@silverhope I feel the same about DS. He’s usually such a little sweetie that I get extra upset/annoyed when he throws his inevitable tantrums so then I feel badly. I just love him so much. And he’s started coming up to my belly and “showing” baby brother his toys and kissing it. It’s so dang cute. And then he starts smacking my belly. Lol. But I’ll take the small wins when I can. His vocabulary is also exploding which is really fun! It’s definitely time since he’s nearly 2.5!

momoftoddlers · December 2019

@stassischroeder I so relate to your rant. I wish family would stop having opinions on my children period. (Other than, “they are adorable”). At a family function over the weekend random relatives kept telling my kids no! and shh! and just trying to discipline them which was completely unwarranted. They are good kids, normal toddlers, and I was sitting right there.

kantobean · December 2019

I so relate to feeling bad about losing patience with DD! She’s amazing, brilliant, sweet, cuddly, and loving. But she drives me up a wall sometimes. She’s 3, so duh. I’ve been so impressed with her creativity lately. She tells stories, draws pictures that look like actual things, diddles around on the piano, plays pretend...it’s awesome to watch. This creativity also means she turns into a heavy-handed negotiator when it comes to screen time, sweets, and going to bed (or not).

H is great. He’s kind of swamped at work, but always bends over backwards to make sure he can do daycare drop off, get home for dinner (and most nights, he cooks it), and spend time with DD and me on the weekend. Decemver is a busy month for me, too, with winter concerts. 2.5 more weeks and I’m on break!!

@s@stassischroeder that’s annoying. I remember about 15 months to age 2 DD was especially “shy”, clingy, and nervous around people she didn’t know well. She even would cry and scream when her grandparents, whom she sees regularly, would watch her. It’s just the age. Now nobody calls her shy, lol.

stassischroeder · December 2019

@momoftoddlers WTAF? I would NEVER even think about shushing or disciplining anyone else's kids unless they were doing something blatantly dangerous. Like... they're kids. They're supposed to act like kids, and if you can't handle that then something is wrong with YOU, not the kids.

@kantobean I'm impressed with your DD's creativity, too! FX the next 2.5 weeks fly by for you!
And, yeah, I'm flabbergasted that anyone (especially family) would have a hard time understanding a 19 mo that's "shy". And these are mostly people who haven't spend much time with him, so essentially they're expecting him to be totally cool with random strangers.

miss.sally · December 2019

Omg @stassischroeder I FEEL you. Most of my relatives totally get it (and luckily DS has a hilarious ham of a personality so they get a kick out of him), but DD is shy and she’s TEN and I get comments about how it’s rude to not hug relatives. Like WTAF people. I won’t force her to touch anyone she doesn’t want to. Yuck.

Also @momoftoddlers I had major problems over the weekend wit my sister, who is only 24 and has no kids, telling DS “NO!!” Multiple times when he was literally just being curious about things. I kinda wish I would’ve spoken up but I’m not really that person. But it was way harsh and I felt badly for the little dude. My Dad and Stepmom have a house that isn’t even remotely toddler-proof and the kid was doing great, considering. They don’t bother moving any of their priceless antiques off tables that are shoulder height to him. It’s just ridiculous and makes for a very stressful visit. Needless to say I’m very glad to be home. I’m also secretly hoping that when/if my sister ever has kids they’re horrible hellions that don’t listen and break stuff all the effing time. Because she has NO clue. And my kids certainly aren’t angels but they’re pretty damn good. Ugh! She also made a comment when we were out to dinner one night about how my kids were “great birth control.” Whew. I’m getting all ragey just thinking about it all.

stassischroeder · December 2019

@miss.sally oh HELL no. I'll never force my kids to touch anyone or allow anyone to touch them (aside from doctors on appropriate occasions). I have so many feelings about this LOL.
I'm also kinda hoping that someone's kids break a priceless antique at your dad and stepmom's house. If you invite small children over, expect them to act like small children! And the next time your sister makes a ridiculous comment about your kids, I'd be tempted to say something like "well, you're not cut out for raising kids anyway". And then video her reaction so I can see it

stassischroeder · December 2019

@miss.sally I posted the first one on my FB page before Thanksgiving. Not sure if it helped, but it felt good to put it out there:

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/8b/eyr8tb0ayefm.jpg

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/w5/fc63pyjyeenm.jpg

momoftoddlers · December 2019

@stassischroeder Love this. We have to remember that we are the guardians of our children’s feelings and boundaries, and family members may not always think about that.

treetop19 · December 2019

@silverhope, that is definitely understandable being short with the family. I know my patience is running thin with my DS these days.

@stasisshroeder, wtf to your family. I think that is developmentally normal for a toddler to shy away from strangers or people they don't see every day, I know both of mine always did. I'd be more worried if they were all about jumping into some stranger's lap at the drop of a hat.

@kantobean, hope december flies by without a hitch for you!

@miss.sally, people without kids are definitely the worst offenders in assuming other people's kids are 'bad'! I would definitely laugh if your sis ends up with a rambunctious kid.

I've been prepping for the inlaws coming for a bit before Christmas. My nephew won't be with them this year, and is it wrong to say I'm kind of glad about that? Reason being, he and his mom live with them, and he is basically raised/doted on constantly by them. I feel bad for my DS and DD kind of being out of that loop, like they are pretty much afterthoughts to their grandparents who are completely smitten by their one grandson. It will be nice for them to have the grandparents 'to themselves', even if it is just for a little bit.

As for DD, at 13, getting her to hang out with the family these days is like pulling teeth, so I'm always happy when she decides to join us for a little bit (without me bugging her.) She has been really helpful with household chores though, and for that I'm grateful. DS has become quite the character, he's always trying to make us laugh, and he is so 'busy' with his own obscure tasks during the day. (his favorite thing is pretending to cook and grocery shop.. boy do I wish he could do this for me in real life.) I'm glad he's been entertaining himself more and more, that should help when LO comes along. I feel like my relationship with DH has gotten closer as this pregnancy has went along.. we have had some nice date nights lately, and now that I'm out of the first tri misery, I feel like I can actually enjoy myself a little bit more, too.

mrsvp614 · December 2019

@silverhope I'm with you on my attitude with DS. I'm usually pretty patient, but I feel like he's been testing me a lot lately, and it just wears me down so much quicker now. He's about 2.5, and I find myself threatening him all the time to get him to cooperate. "I'll take away your lightsaber," has become a constant phrase in our house. When we take it away, he's a weepy mess, so it's effective, but I hate resorting to that. I feel like wakeup and bed time are usually a battle now, and I absolutely hate that. He's waking up more frequently too now, after he's always been a pretty good sleeper.
This all gives me anxiety about how he will manage with a new baby. I know it's perfectly normal for him to have extra emotions and for us all to go through a rough patch. I'm more nervous about how we will react to it while dealing with the rough newborn phase too.

varimama · December 2019

+1 to I need more patience with DS. At the same time though I feel like I ask him nicely many times before I finally snap and yell or put him in timeout so he listens. Like dude I don’t want to yell or put you in timeout so let’s try doing (or stopping doing) the thing I’m asking in the first 5 requests... he’s 2.5 but he does understand what I’m asking him to do and is capable of it so I’m torn.

He’s also shy and takes a while to warm up. Family is pretty good about it but when he was a baby and only wanted me to hold him they weren’t. They’d try to take him and say crying was good for his lungs. That is BS and I told DH to tell them that if it kept happening we wouldn’t be seeing them much. He is in a stage now where he doesn’t like to say goodbye. He won’t hug or high five when we leave but it is what it is and people can understand it’s his choice and honesty it’s usually not because he doesn’t like the person it’s the opposite, he likes them so much he doesn’t want to actually leave and believes until we are driving away that if he just doesn’t say goodbye we won’t actually leave.

DH has been pretty great. He’s getting all his stuff done that needs to happen before baby, I feel like I need to get on it from my end 😬

silverhope · December 2019

@miss.sally I wish pain-in-the-booty kids upon my single, childless friend who is constantly giving me momming advice. She is not malicious and I know she means well, but shut your pie hole. I know your sister is 24, but she should understand tact by now. Who the eff says someone else’s kids are good BC in front of them? I am an only child though, so I get maybe she feels like she can say whatever since you are related but I would be super pissed if someone said that to me.

stassischroeder · December 2019

varimama said:

He’s also shy and takes a while to warm up. Family is pretty good about it but when he was a baby and only wanted me to hold him they weren’t. They’d try to take him and say crying was good for his lungs. That is BS and I told DH to tell them that if it kept happening we wouldn’t be seeing them much. He is in a stage now where he doesn’t like to say goodbye. He won’t hug or high five when we leave but it is what it is and people can understand it’s his choice and honesty it’s usually not because he doesn’t like the person it’s the opposite, he likes them so much he doesn’t want to actually leave and believes until we are driving away that if he just doesn’t say goodbye we won’t actually leave.

NOPE NOPE NOPE.

I got grief from my MIL and some others when I wouldn't let them hold DS when he was a young infant and screamed every time anyone else held him. Too effing bad, folks.

I got this off of the Milktivity FB page and would high-five this lady if I could:

"Babies are people, not toys.
You do not have to 'share' your baby just because an adult feels put out, and wants to hold them.
You do not have to put up with your baby fussing at being passed around.
Babies are people with the right to feel safe and choose who touches them-ie, if they are only happy with you, that is fine. Someone can sit next to you and interact with baby while leaving them in their comfort zone.
You are your baby's advocate and voice. Do not be afraid to speak up for them. Boundaries are healthy, manipulation is not; firmness does not equal rudeness, so don't allow others to put guilt on you for holding your baby." ~Jody, mom of 5.

kantobean · December 2019

Question for you all: are you taking a birth class again this time? I remember last time I took a class in 4 sessions and I think there was just one session the STM+ moms came to. Thinking of doing that this time.

varimama · December 2019

@kantobean we aren’t doing a birthing class. We’re taking infant/child cpr Bc I wished we’d taken it last time and we are doing a sibling class for DS

kantobean · December 2019

@varimama oh good call I should take a CPR class too. I didn’t take it with DD either.

miss.sally · December 2019

@stassischroeder I love that! It’s so hard being in a family of a ton of women who love snuggling babies. Which I understand. Baby snuggles are the best. But like... don’t get offended if I say no.

miss.sally · December 2019

I have a question. Is anyone having their older sibling/s stay with grandparents for a day or two post-birth? I’ve been toying with the idea of asking MIL to keep DS for a night or two when we first come home from the hospital just because those first few nights are the actual worst and I can’t really imagine trying to also care for a toddler during the day. Like I have no idea how that’s going to work. When I had DS, DD was 6 almost 7, so she was independent enough to do her own thing while I was a zombie.

momoftoddlers · December 2019

@miss.sally My girls do better if they sleep in their own beds, so I’ll be having them sleep at home. But last time the grandparents were really good about picking DD up and taking her out for the day those first few days, and that was awesome, so I’m hoping that happens again.

If your little guy enjoys sleepovers at grandma’s, I’d say go for it and take the help. Otherwise you’ll probably end up you and your newborn hanging and resting and your hubs doing most of the toddler care, which also works out great assuming he has some time off. Also maybe your DD will help out?

treetop19 · December 2019

@miss.sally, I'm not having DS stay with anyone after the birth, and I'm pretty nervous about it, too. I'm not sure how it's all going to work.. like @momoftoddlers said, DH will probably have to pick up most of the slack caring for DS... I'm hoping he'll be able to have a few days off to do that. Once he goes back to work, I know I'll have to make it work somehow.. I'm hoping this LO is a laid-back baby! I would definitely take grandparent help if it was available.

varimama · December 2019

@miss.sally Nope, I’m nervous enough having DS with grandparents during labor... DH is going to be on toddler duty until he goes back to work. I think it’ll be good for them, he feels like DS likes me more so hopefully they bond more.

miss.sally · December 2019

DH is not the greatest when it comes to being on toddler-duty. Especially for more than a few hours at a time. So I’m definitely nervous about how this dynamic will work. I also have no idea how much time he will take off from work. He’s a baseball coach and March is like... prime training season. He’s gone pretty much every day and has to travel quite a bit. Should be interesting.

keeksie84 · December 2019

@miss.sally I haven't considered having my MIL watch my toddler for more than just our time in the hospital. She just spent 4 nights with grandma and had a total blast. I might have her take her for an extra night.

kailanae · December 2019

@miss.sally we'll likely be doing what we did when I had DS2. The in-laws will watch the boys while I am in labor at the hospital, because I have DH and my mom in the room with me for the birth (MIL was also there for the birth of DS1, but that was before we needed a babysitter for siblings). DH will stay with me for daytimes at the hospital while our parents watch the siblings, then he'll go back home to do bedtime/overnight with the boys. I was nervous about being alone at the hospital for overnights with DS2 but it ended up working out just fine.

EmilyLove25 · December 2019

@kantobean I don’t think I can fit a class in, but I really wish I could. I totally say do it!

@miss.sally My parents will have my kids when I am in the hospital, but I want them back when I come home… BUT they also only live two doors down, so they can take breaks and play over there during the day. I’d say go for it if that helps you and DH! Also OMG have we discussed your DH being a baseball coach? College level? March could not be worse haha. But I have no doubt you will kill it with the newbie.

AFM DH has been gone all but 12 hours since the Monday after Thanksgiving, and I've killed it watching both kids and working full time with an hour commute each way, thank you very much. He gets home tomorrow night though for a few weeks. I'm glad because the one thing I haven't been as good about is getting gifts ready and taking care of myself haha. Definitely need more working out time and time for longer showers! But DD and DS have been pretty great. I will say I am getting exhausted by DS (2 the day after Christmas) hitting DD ALL THE TIME for no reason. Blah.

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