TTCAL Week of 11/25-12/1/19

NYTino24 · November 2019

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going?

What is something that you are struggling with this week?

What is going well for you this week?

R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What color are your eyes?

emeraldduchess · November 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Miscarriage at 5 weeks December '18, CP July '19

Status: WTO (sigh)

How are things going? Eh. I was feeling a little down this weekend. Then got another gut-punch last night.TW

I almost walked out of Mass last night because of the introducing the youth pastor's newborn that was there. So triggering. I sobbed when I got in the car. Obviously happy for this couple, but damn, I was not expecting that.

What is something that you are struggling with this week? I am struggling to accepting that we will likely reach the 1 year anniversary of our first loss still not KU. My 38th birthday is also next month and I am having a really hard time with that. So much regret for not ttc sooner.

What is going well for you this week? After an intense game of phone tag, I was able to get the go-ahead from my RE's office to do a medicated/monitored cycle since insurance probably won't approve another IUI in time.

R/R? Two and a half days of school, then Thanksgiving break. Whoopee! Very happy that I won't have to say "stop talking", "turn around", "hands to yourself" for 4 whole days!

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Baseline U/S tomorrow.

GTKY: What color are your eyes? Blue

notagoodpatient · November 2019

@emeraldduchess I’m so sorry about your gut punch! It seems especially tough to have painful reminders in a place that should provide you comfort. And I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling witH a painful anniversary. Hopefully the holiday will be a bit of a distraction!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss: Early loss at 5 weeks in October

Status: TWW

How are things going? They were going okay, I was feeling positive about this cycle and that I ovulated fairly on time and that MH was around for FW...

What is something that you are struggling with this week? I had a dream last night that I had another loss. It was so real and I woke up barely able to breathe. It’s making me feel less optimistic about this cycle.

What is going well for you this week? Holiday weekend can’t come soon enough, I’m plotting how to get out of work earlier on Wednesday so I miss some of the weather on the long drive to New England

R/R? I appreciate that TTC has made me more in touch with my body and my cycle, especially compared to when I had a Mirena a didn’t get AF, but it also means I notice and analyze every single twinge, or burp or pain. I can’t remember really feeling nauseated more than once or twice at work since I started 5 years ago, and since TTC I feel like I’m sick to my stomach or crampy or whatever multiple times a week. Sometimes I just want to go back to blissful ignorance.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? I’m having a big internal debate as to when to test. MH is out of town for most of December, and especially post dream I want him to be here not just for the initial POAS but for a while after. So options are to test 10DPO when I probably wouldn’t even turn a test if KU, or wait until 25DPO/over a week late for AF/when we’re with our whole family for Xmas.

GTKY: What color are your eyes? BLUE!

emeraldduchess · November 2019

@notagoodpatient I am so sorry about that dream. As if TTCAL didn't play with our minds and emotions while we're awake.

mindyb2019 · November 2019

@emeraldduchess ugh, so sorry you got another gut punch last night. ❤️ That hurts. Also, sorry that your struggling with the 1 year anniversary and turning 38 next month. Hang in there. It will happen for you.

@notagoodpatient Oh dear! So sorry you had that dream. That’s awful. Still stay optimistic about this cycle.

Introduce Yourself and anything you think is important: Miscarriage at 7 weeks Nov, 2019

Status: Waiting for a normal period to come.

How are things going? Things are going a lot better then the past 2 weeks ago. I stopped bleeding yay!! and my body is feeling more normal again which is nice. I’m starting to feel like myself.

What is something you are struggling with this week? I’m still struggling with all the babies and newborns that I see everywhere I go. I feel like the universe just hates me. 😢 Literally everywhere I go or on Facebook or my friends etc there is babies. Some days I feel so smothered. I mean these babies are so cute but...it’s not my baby and it just reminds me of what I lost and it makes me sad 😔

What is going well for you this week? Well I accepted what happened and I’m ready to move forward. I’m back to work as normal and everything is fine I’m just impatient and want AF to start so i know where I’m at and I can try again next cycle and move on.

R/R? I’m really looking forward to Christmas time. It makes me smile and will bring me some much needed happiness and distractions.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope

GTKY: What Color are your eyes? Brown. I’ve always hated my brown eyes lol

notagoodpatient · November 2019

@emeraldduchess thank you

@mindyb2019 that’s great that you’re feeling more like yourself! I hope AF comes soon so you can back on the horse so to speak!

babyodo · November 2019

Oh @emeraldduchess I'm so sorry about the gut-punch. And I totally feel you on the whole regretting-not-ttc-sooner thing. I'm right there with you.

Introduce Yourself and anything you think is important: MMC Oct. '19

Status: WTO, I think. At this point, I have no clue.

How are things going? Ehh. Work is super busy, so that's making my day go by faster. Plus, I've gotten back to going running, so that feels good.

What is something that you are struggling with this week? Not knowing what the hell is going on with my body. I bled for 6 weeks after my miscarriage, then no bleeding for 4 days, then back to bleeding for the past 2+ weeks. Is this ever going to end? I can't tell if this is my next cycle - all my Googling has only come up with results saying you should have at least 21 days of no bleeding before knowing it's your next cycle. I only stopped bleeding/spotting for four days. My OB on Friday wasn't very comforting, he was actually kind of short with me and told me that I would have "intermittent bleeding and spotting for 3 or so months after miscarriage". So frustrating.

What is going well for you this week? No more classes for me! I had my final class for grad school last Thursday, so now it's just wrapping things up with my clients before I fly out to Chicago on the 8th to present my capstone.

R/R? Someone at work brought in these amazing cookies, and they are just what I need. I'll have to run an extra mile tomorrow and Friday just to burn them off, but it's worth it.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope. The results of my thyroid panel and all the post-MC bloodwork came back normal, so in my OB's and my primary care doc's eyes, I'm healthy as a horse.

GTKY: What color are your eyes? Blue-grey, and they sometimes appear green when I'm pissed or crying.

tyrion_ · November 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.: Early loss in May 2019

Status: TWW/WFAF

How are things going? Ok I guess

What is something that you are struggling with this week? My PMS is kicking my butt. I’ve cried so much I’m not sure how I have tears left. And I’m not usually a crier. Guess it’s been building up.

What is going well for you this week? I am not at all stressed about hosting Thanksgiving.

R/R? My husband is also PMSing it seems and we can’t stop arguing. He’s being so snippy and so am I, it just sucks.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No

GTKY: What color are your eyes? 💩

@emeraldduchess I’m so sorry for the ‘what ifs’ with ttc. I can’t even imagine how difficult this time of year has to be like for you.

@notagoodpatient Oh, man, that dream sounds so brutal. I’m so sorry that happened. Big hugs to you 💗

@mindyb2019 I hope AF comes soon so you can start moving forward. I’m glad things with your body are feeling more normal.

@ttcbabyodo I’m so sorry about that frustrating non-answer answer by your OB. I really hope your body goes back to normal soon.

notagoodpatient · November 2019

@ttcbabyodo I'm sorry about the confusion with your cycle. I can't believe your OB was so insensitive. You eat those cookies!

@tyrion_ I'm sorry about the PMS symptoms, and that you and YH are butting heads. Hopefully you can have some catharsis and feel better soon!

mindyb2019 · November 2019

@tyrion_ so sorry you and YH have been arguing. Hope that gets better soon and he stops PMSing. Also, yay we both have poop brown coloured eyes lol. 😆 sorry that you have cried a lot lately. I’ve been there before. Sometimes it just comes out and you can’t stop it and you think how do I even have any tears left.. 🤔

ruby0902 · November 2019

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving holiday! May our plates be full and our waistbands loose 😁

PS - I also have poop brown eyes - that is literally what my DH calls them 😂

ruby0902 · November 2019

@ttcbabyodo - I had similar experiences with my MMCs. My first one (tried to do it naturally) I bled continuously for 3 weeks through December, thought I was "done", then found out I had retained tissue and had to get a D&C in February. Have you had your HCG tracked back to zero? You might want to test to confirm if you haven't. I didn't for my first and it came back to bite me.
My 2nd MC, post D&C, I bled for a few days, stopped and thought it was "over" then proceeded to have bleeding for weeks after. It was about 7 or 8 weeks before I got my first pd after that one. Unfortunately post MC, there really is no "normal". I totally get the feeling of thinking it's never going to end! Hang in there ♡

**edited MCs to MMCs

mindyb2019 · November 2019

@ruby0902 well your not alone cause my DH calls my eyes that too lol He says I’m full of S*#t cause my eyes are soo brown 😆 Welcome to the poop brown club 💩😂

tyrion_ · November 2019

Poop brown eyes unite! @ruby0902 @mindyb2019

bluetickgal · November 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MC at 7 weeks in 1/19 & at 5 weeks (CP) in 8/19

Status: TWW

How are things going? Pretty good...can’t complain about the fact that work is almost over for the week!

What is something that you are struggling with this week? Just thinking about the what if’s of Thanksgiving...*TW - we are going to two, the first will have no babies (we are the only married couple that could/would have them), and the second will have lots of little ones (DH & I are the only ones without any). I’m just hoping to make it through with no questions/hints as to when we will be having kids! End TW*

What is going well for you this week? I’ve been super productive at work, so even though I only had 3 days, I’ve been able to get everything done that I need to!

R/R? Nothing really, just want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope it is trigger-free for everyone!!

Any testing coming up/any recent results? None.

GTKY: What color are your eyes? Blue.

@emeraldduches I’m so sorry for that totally unexpected gut punch!! I so hope this medicated/monitored cycle works for you so you don’t make it to your loss anniversary!

@notagoodpatient so sorry for that dream, that’s awful! 😢 I totally feel ya on the being almost too in-tune with your body now! I don’t know how I didn’t notice all these things before, but I wish I could somehow go back to that!

@mindyb2019 I’m glad you are feeling better and more like yourself! So sorry for the triggers being everywhere! I had to take a break from FB after my first loss, because I just couldn’t handle it! Hope the holiday season helps to keep your mind off things!

@ttcbabyodo oh friend, I’m so sorry you are dealing with the bleeding & not knowing what’s going on! I hope you get some clarity on your cycle soon! Yay for being finished with grad school other than your capstone...that’s so exciting!! So glad all your BW came back normal, but the unexplained can be frustrating! Sending hugs your way!

@tyrion_ so sorry for the PMS, for you and YH!! I hope he snaps out of it and is just there for you!! So glad you aren’t stressed about Thanksgiving, I’m sure it’ll go great!

NYTino24 · November 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

NMC 1/17, BO 6/19, CP 8/19

Status: WTO / IUI #3

How are things going? See the IF thread - feeling hopeless and angry

What is something that you are struggling with this week? 2020 coming - no Feb or April babies for me

What is going well for you this week? My nails are growing again, and seem to be stronger thanks to all of the vegetables in eating

R/R? It’s that time of year where students (already) start checking out when things are new and tough. It makes my job so tough. I wish parents spent more time working on resiliency with kids.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? RE scan and BW on Friday, probably IUI this weekend.

GTKY: What color are your eyes? Green / gold / brown hazel

bluetickgal · November 2019

@NYTino24 so sorry for all the frustration...and approaching empty due dates! Sending hugs and positive vibes your way!! 💜 Everything crossed this IUI is a success for you!! Also, green eyes are so pretty...and so much more unique than blue or brown!

NYTino24 · November 2019

@bluetickgal Thanks, me too! People tell me I have cat eyes, especially when sunlight shines on them!

mindyb2019 · November 2019

I need to vent for a moment... I don’t know why but I’m having a hard time today. I was doing ok the past 2 weeks and now I’m feeling depressed and really sad and crying a lot again. 😭 it came out of nowhere. I don't know if it’s because today I would have been 10 weeks along and that’s making me think about it and is making me sad or that my hormones are all weird for some reason and is making me crazy emotional over everything. This sucks. Will this feeling ever go away? 😥

NYTino24 · November 2019

@mindy2019 I’m approaching 3 years since my first loss and I haven’t forgotten any of it. I will always wonder what that child would have been like. It does get a little easier with time, but I’m sorry to say most women say it always hurts to think about. Grief isn’t a linear process. Don’t try to fight it - let it out and go with whatever emotion you’re feeling at the time. You will be okay. I remember a distinct feeling the one day my hormones returned to normal.

notagoodpatient · November 2019

Oh @mindyb2019 I’m so sorry that you’re hurting.

I heard a great metaphor for grief once. Grief is like a ball in a box with a pain button. When you first have a loss, your grief ball is almost the size of the box, so it’s always pressing the pain button. As time goes by the grief ball get smaller but never goes away. With the smaller ball rattling around in the box, it’s not always pressing on the pain button, but every once in a while it bashes into the pain button and it hurts just the same as when the grief ball was huge.

It really helped me to think about it this way, because it doesn’t mean that I’m taking steps backwards when the pain comes back, it just means that ball has hit the button. And I also don’t feel guilty when I’m happy. It just means the ball is bouncing somewhere different in the box.

mindyb2019 · November 2019

@NYTino24 aww.. I’m sorry it’s been 3 years since your first loss. I’m sure I will still think about it then too wondering the same thing. It’s hard not too. thank you for your kind words and support ❤️ I know I’ll be okay just trying to plug along the best I can. I’m looking forward to that one day when my hormones go back to normal too.

@notagoodpatient thank you. ❤️ It sucks when your hurting. I really like that metaphor you said. I’m gonna remember that always. It’s a good way to think about things that I never did before. thank you for sharing that. I guess my ball still needs sometime to get smaller as more time goes by. I guess when I have sad moments like yesterday it means my ball has hit the button and that’s ok cause that will happen. I’m glad you don’t feel guilty when your happy and thus you shouldn’t. I don’t either when I’m happy or having fun. We all deserve happiness in our lives.

babyodo · December 2019

ruby0902 said:

@ttcbabyodo - I had similar experiences with my MMCs. My first one (tried to do it naturally) I bled continuously for 3 weeks through December, thought I was "done", then found out I had retained tissue and had to get a D&C in February. Have you had your HCG tracked back to zero? You might want to test to confirm if you haven't. I didn't for my first and it came back to bite me.
My 2nd MC, post D&C, I bled for a few days, stopped and thought it was "over" then proceeded to have bleeding for weeks after. It was about 7 or 8 weeks before I got my first pd after that one. Unfortunately post MC, there really is no "normal". I totally get the feeling of thinking it's never going to end! Hang in there ♡

**edited MCs to MMCs

Thanks for sharing. Yes, they tracked my HCG back to zero. I'm wondering if maybe I need to take noretheindrone or possibly BC pills (really don't want to) in order to regulate my cycle, because as of today there's still no change in bleeding. It's just continuous - not enough to fill a pad but too much for a liner, if that makes sense. It's so damn frustrating because it's a constant reminder every time I go to the bathroom. It's making it difficult for me to process everything mentally in order to move past this.

NYTino24 · December 2019

@ttcbabyodo I’d ask for an US to see if there are any retained products. Good luck.

mindyb2019 · December 2019

@ttcbabyodo ya I agree. You should definitely ask to get a US done. Sorry this has been ongoing and continuous for you. that’s tough. Hang in there. ❤️ I hope it stops soon.

mindyb2019 · December 2019

So.. I have to go out for dinner tonight with my SIL and BIL and some of our friends we all know. I’m excited to go but I’m also scared cause my SIL is my trigger for me as she’s pregnant with her first baby and due in Feb and seeing her baby bump and hearing about the baby etc literally breaks my heart inside. 😔 I love her dearly but I really hope I don’t start crying tonight as I have been crazy emotional lately. I don’t think these feeling will ever end. Then she will have her baby and I’ll be sad looking at their new born. I’m just going to be this grumpy, bitter, jealous lady which I don’t want to be. 😫 I hate being this person cause it isn’t me.

babyodo · December 2019

Oh @mindyb2019 I'm so sorry you're having to face this tonight, so soon after your loss. This time of year is the worst when it comes to things like this. It's hard not to feel raw, bitter, and jealous. If it's any consolation, I'm right there with you. *hugs* Maybe let your husband know that tonight will be especially difficult for you and that if you are feeling overwhelmed you can give him a signal or code word. This way, you'll have the opportunity to steel yourself so that you won't reach your breaking point with all eyes on you.

babyodo · December 2019

mindyb2019 said:

@ttcbabyodo ya I agree. You should definitely ask to get a US done. Sorry this has been ongoing and continuous for you. that’s tough. Hang in there. ❤️ I hope it stops soon.

What sucks is that I already had one US done on Oct. 31st, which they found a couple of large clots remaining that most likely wouldn't pass on their own. They did an MVA procedure to suction out the remaining clots and cleared me afterward. Doc who performed the procedure said I'd have 3-5 days of spotting afterward and then be good-to-go. Which, I did. Then once the 3-5 days of spotting stopped, I had no bleeding or spotting for a couple days, and then it was back to bleeding again and has been ever since. So. Frustrating.

bluetickgal · December 2019

@mindyb2019 I’m so sorry you are struggling! I’m almost a year out from my first loss and still have those moments, and I don’t know that it will ever truly go away! It just comes in waves! I love the analogy @notagoodpatient shared, that is so accurate in how it feels! Sending hugs your way!! 💜 I hope your dinner tonight with your SIL & BIL wasn’t too difficult!
@ttcbabyodo I’m so sorry you are dealing with what has to seem like a never-ending reminder!! I hope it ends soon and you don’t have to go on BC to regulate your cycles!

mindyb2019 · December 2019

@ttcbabyodo @bluetickgal thanks ladies ❤️ I survived dinner tonight and no tears. yay me. It was a little tough at first but overall I had a good time. I will see them again around Christmas. I’m hoping I’ll be in a better frame of mind then.

ruby0902 · December 2019

Will jump over to the new thread here but just wanted to reach out to @ttcbabyodo - that is definitely frustrating and a bit mind boggling! It's good your hcg is back down to zero which theoretically means you should start your periods again. I hope everything gets regulated out for you soon - it's such a mind f*** to go back and forth to wanting to bleed, then not wanting to bleed, then just never really knowing when things will be "over" - at least the physical part. You are strong though and you will get through it! If your ob keeps giving you fluff answers, never hurts to get a second opinion - I've had to do this multiple times in the past 6 months. Good luck and I'm so sorry you have to go through this - I hope things work themselves out soon ♡♡

@mindyb2019 - Glad to hear you enjoyed dinner!! *TW* My close cousin who's 2 yrs younger than me just had her baby in October 2019. I found out I was pregnant with my first mc during her wedding weekend in October 2018. I totally get the struggle of wanting to be happy for someone you love while also being sad for yourself.

*Edited just to include a *TW* for pregnancy reference

TTCAL Week of 11/25-12/1/19

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