Everything is Falling Apart

mahogannie · November 2019

I have no one else to talk to. We lost our baby at 8 weeks. We are supposed to be ttc right now. But for some reason we aren't on the same page. My dh doesn't seem to be receptive to my advances...I'm afraid our timing might be off. I think we need to scrap this cycle and try again in the next one. Anyone experience this, lack of chemistry? How do you cope?

capnjackharkness · November 2019

mahogannie Did your doctor not advise you to BOTH wait until your first cycle arrived and THEN to possibly be benched 1-3 cycles following that? I definitely would not be TTC before your first AF after MC arrives... additionally, it will be EXCEEDINGLY difficult to know when that is unless you are temping as your first AF after MC could be 6-8 (or even longer) weeks later, depending on what your body does.

As for lack of chemistry... welcome to my life. MC is hard. It takes a toll on emotions and bodies and DHs experience everything differently than we do, and everyone copes in different ways. Maybe he needs some time to deal with everything he is feeling? Sitting out a few cycles could possibly be the best thing for you (as in BOTH of you, and your relationship). Talk to him about what he is feeling and what he wants to do... YES, even ask if he still wants to TTCAL. If he wants to right now, if he wants to wait a few cycles, if he wants to stop altogether. It's good to talk it out and it can help.

ble1 · November 2019

@mahogannie I think most peoples thought is to immediately ttc again in hopes of getting pregnant to mitigate the greif of the loss. Look at dhs perspective he had a loss and might not be past that. He also had to see you emotional and physical go through it, which I'm sure were hard for him. Try talking to him, he might be at a different grief stage then you.

laurenmicheley · November 2019

@mahogannie I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I think you both owe it to each other to sit down and talk about how your recent MC has made each of you feel. It's really possible DH is feeling scared and stressed from your recent loss and unless he has a channel to express his anxieties and sadness; he can be repressing these feelings and projecting by denying your advances. I think it's really important to get on the same page before TTCAL otherwise it can take a huge toll on you if he keeps denying you. He might not be ready yet and if you aren't on the same page, you need to communicate to figure out a compromise that both of you can live with. Final note: men are as emotional as women are, they experience MC in a different way and have the tendency to bottle these feelings up in an effort to take care of their partners. I'm sure DH wants to have a baby as badly as you do, but he likely wants to protect you.

CandyApple2012 · November 2019

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm new to all of this myself, but over the last three weeks there are times where my husband and I are absolutely not thinking about or prioritizing the same things. We actually had a huge fight last week about me not coping well and about my feelings that he didn't appear to be grieving at all. It was painful but very illuminating. We've been talking a lot more about fears and future plans and it has been very productive even though initially I was very hurt and resentful.

The ladies above me are wise. I echo their thoughts about taking time to communicate and respecting that he may not be ready yet.

mahogannie · November 2019

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, and for the thoughtful advice. We plan to set aside some time to sit, relax, and talk (just be together). I can't wait to see how it goes.

babyodo · November 2019

laurenmicheley said:

@mahogannie I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I think you both owe it to each other to sit down and talk about how your recent MC has made each of you feel. It's really possible DH is feeling scared and stressed from your recent loss and unless he has a channel to express his anxieties and sadness; he can be repressing these feelings and projecting by denying your advances. I think it's really important to get on the same page before TTCAL otherwise it can take a huge toll on you if he keeps denying you. He might not be ready yet and if you aren't on the same page, you need to communicate to figure out a compromise that both of you can live with. Final note: men are as emotional as women are, they experience MC in a different way and have the tendency to bottle these feelings up in an effort to take care of their partners. I'm sure DH wants to have a baby as badly as you do, but he likely wants to protect you.

*nods in therapist*

Keep in mind that you both are in this together. Both of your emotions and how you process this loss will directly affect how you move on from this. A simple, "Are you doing okay?" or a "Do you wanna talk about it?" can go a long way. Even if he says he's not doing okay, or he doesn't want to talk about it, he'll still know that you are here and that you care.

40momma · November 2019

@mahogannie Everyone processes loss differently. Let him process it in his own way which may be very different than the way you process it. And don't rush TTC so quickly after loss, your body needs time to heal, and so does your mind.

And not to poach this thread but @capnjackharkness you sound pretty familiar, have I missed a comeback??

capnjackharkness · November 2019

40momma

I intro'd in TTGP "newbie intros week of 10.28" Apparently the site had a lot of drama on 10/24 before I joined though... totes cray cray!

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