SIL Miscarriage Help

babyw032020 · October 2019

I have a dilemma I would love some advice from people who have had a miscarriage before...

My sister-in-law and her husband have been trying to have a baby for years and have been really struggling. She has only opened up to me a little bit about it but generally doesn't like to talk about it. Anyways, my husband and I have been married for about 3 years and luckily were able to get pregnant very fast (I am almost 19 weeks now). It was really hard to tell them our news and they took it pretty well but you could tell that it was painful for them. Well, last week we found out that she was about 9 weeks pregnant but unfortunately the baby no longer has a heartbeat. We found out she was pregnant and miscarried all at the same time (this is at least her 3rd miscarriage that I know of). I am absolutely heart broken for her but am at a loss on what to do. I've only heard the news from my husband or MIL so I am unsure if she even knows that I know. Anyways, my MIL last night told me that I needed to reach out to her and I broke down to her and explained that I was just at a complete loss on what to do and that I was really struggling with it. I feel like I am the last person on the planet she wants to hear from and I don't want to do or say anything that will ruin our relationship. My SIL and I have a good relationship but we live in different states so it makes it even harder. My MIL texted me again today to tell me that she really hoped that I reach out to her today (by text) and how much it would mean to her.... I'm just not going to respond to my MIL because she is just pushy and controlling, and I feel like she doesn't understand where I am coming from...

But anyways, my question for you ladies is this... If you've gone through a miscarriage how did you want people to reach out to you? Especially friends or family members who were pregnant at the time. Did you want to hear from them or did that make your pain even more difficult? I've thought about writing her a letter or mailing her a little care package... but would love some feedback. I feel like just sending a text doesn't feel right. I also don't want her to feel like she has to respond to me and I kind of what to leave it open for her to come to me whenever she is ready, but I also want her to know how much I love her and I am thinking about her. Any ideas or suggestions would be really appreciated. Thank you!

chichiphin · October 2019

If your SIL hasn't come to you with this information first hand, I would not reach out to her. When we had our loss we told immediate family and we were explicit that we weren't ready for others to know yet. Do you know if that is the case here? It sounds like your MIL would probably not adhere to a request for privacy based on your description.

Additionally - if my pregnant SIL texted me, she would be the last person I'd want to hear from. Best solution (*if your SIL is okay with you even knowing that she was preg and had a miscarriage) is a care package I think. Cozy socks. Self care stuff. Treats she likes. Nothing crazy but something that lets her know you care.

chichiphin · October 2019

babyw032020 said:

I have a dilemma I would love some advice from people who have had a miscarriage before...

My sister-in-law and her husband have been trying to have a baby for years and have been really struggling. She has only opened up to me a little bit about it but generally doesn't like to talk about it. Anyways, my husband and I have been married for about 4 years and luckily were able to get pregnant very fast (I am about 19 weeks now). It was really hard to tell them our news and they took it pretty well but you could tell that it was painful for them. Well, last week we found out that she was about 9 weeks pregnant but unfortunately the baby no longer has a heartbeat. We found out she was pregnant and miscarried all at the same time (this is at least her 3rd miscarriage that I know of). I am absolutely heart broken for her but am at a loss on what to do. I've only heard the news from my husband or MIL so I am unsure if she even knows that I know. Anyways, my MIL last night told me that I needed to reach out to her and I broke down to her and explained that I was just at a complete loss on what to do and that I was really struggling with it. I feel like I am the last person on the planet she wants to hear from and I don't want to do or say anything that will ruin our relationship. My SIL and I have a good relationship but we live in different states so it makes it even harder. My MIL texted me again today to tell me that she really hoped that I reach out to her today (by text) and how much it would mean to her.... I'm just not going to respond to my MIL because she is just pushy and controlling, and I feel like she doesn't understand where I am coming from...

But anyways, my question for you ladies is this... If you've gone through a miscarriage how did you want people to reach out to you? Especially friends or family members who were pregnant at the time. Did you want to hear from them or did that make your pain even more difficult? I've thought about writing her a letter or mailing her a little care package... but would love some feedback. I feel like just sending a text doesn't feel right. I also don't want her to feel like she has to respond to me and I kind of what to leave it open for her to come to me whenever she is ready, but I also want her to know how much I love her and I am thinking about her. Any ideas or suggestions would be really appreciated. Thank you!

QFP also please introduce yourself in the pinned "introduce yourself" thread at the top of this board and participate in our BMB rather than one off posts! thanks

babyw032020 · October 2019

To be honest I have no idea. I've asked both my husband and MIL and I think they are both just assuming that she's aware, which is another reason why I'm hesitant.

I so appreciate your post though. It is exactly what I was thinking. I like the idea of the simple care package.

babyw032020 · October 2019

What do I need to do to introduce myself? I didn't understand your post. I've looked over the whole site and am lost... you can obviously tell this was my first post and I'm new here lol

EDITED: Ok I feel like an idiot, I found the introduce yourself thread. I'll go post now!

babyw032020 · October 2019

@chichiphin do you know how I can delete this discussion so it doesn't clutter the board? Now I feel like a jerk because I finally went through and read the rules and realized I posted it in the wrong place. The Daily Digest emails the Bump sends totally makes it seem like each posted is a new discussion and I didn't even notice there were guidelines which was totally naive on my part! Let me know, thanks!

varimama · October 2019

@babyw032020 no worries, you can’t delete a post so it’ll just drop off as it doesn’t get comments! Glad you read the rules now and joined us! Feel free to ask again in the weekly question thread and you may get some more answers. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you as I‘ve never been in a situation like your SIL. I like @chichiphin idea of a care package. Maybe you can even play it off as a just thinking of you package with a couple of her favorite things, then if she wants to open up to you she can or if not at least she knows you care about her.

treetop19 · October 2019

@babyw032020, don't mean to be 'that one' that keep this thread going.. lol.. but I have been in this exact situation so I thought maybe I could help. (I miscarried, and my sis-in-law was pregnant at that time too and went on to have a healthy baby.) To be honest, the last person in the world I wanted to hear from at that point was my pregnant sis-in-law - it would have just made me angry and felt very 'rub your loss in your face' - but then, our relationship was not super close to begin with. I think the best thing you could do at this point, especially if she did not confide in you about her loss personally, would be to back off and let it be. She will probably eventually come around, but she needs time and space to grieve. In my situation, I even had a hard time warming up to my nephew after he was born because of my loss - but, with time, it didn't bother me anymore. The best thing you could do really is not share pregnancy/ultrasound/newborn photos and updates, ect with her - believe me, other family members (especially that nosy MIL of yours) are probably already updating her and she probably feels bad enough as it is. Bottom line - just give her time and space.

miss.sally · October 2019

I just wanted to say +1 to what @treetop19 said. I was also in her boat. My SIL and I were due a week apart and I lost my baby. My entire IL family was angry with me for not gushing with them about her pregnancy and to this day I still resent ALL of them for making me feel so horrible. It’s been over 4 years and I still haven’t gotten over it. Especially because she went on to have two babies in the time it took us to have one healthy baby. I definitely agree that keeping your distance unless SHE initiates it is a good plan. Although I loved getting cards/flowers/care packages from my friends, I think it would have felt like a slap in the face from her. We also weren’t super close though. But if she hasn’t mentioned it to you, I would think you need to just wait it out.

jenEP · October 2019

I guess I have a different take, though I haven't been in this exact situation. I had a miscarriage, but it was early and no one knew, so this wasn't really applicable for me. I have had friends who've had miscarriages tell me they've felt ignored by pregnant people in their lives, and that's been hurtful to them. If you weren't pregnant, would you say anything? Is it just your pregnancy that is stopping you? I would also want to know why MIL is so pushy? Is there a chance SIL has felt hurt that no one has said anything or reached out? Obviously, I agree with not gushing about your own pregnancy, and not expecting her to participate in events related to yours (showers, visiting, etc). But sending her a card or nice text letting her know you're thinking about her could be okay depending on your relationship with her. I would confirm with your DH or MIL that she is okay with you knowing about the loss before saying anything though. **TW** DH's cousin who works in our office just lost their baby at 22 weeks. There's no way DH and I wouldn't say anything to him just because we are expecting. DH reached out via text right after it happened, and I gave him a big hug when I saw him and let him know I was thinking about them. **end TW**

Want a personalized experience?

SIL Miscarriage Help

Re: SIL Miscarriage Help

Choose Another Board

Search Boards