UO 10.3

stassischroeder · October 2019

Let's hear those unpopular opinions!

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/5gWGRQFMuRQ28wERDo/giphy.gif

stassischroeder · October 2019

1. (inspired by the MBF thread) Mice don't freak me out. I understand that they can carry disease, so I take measures to make sure they don't set up camp in my home, otherwise I think they're cute. If I see one in my house my reaction is "hmmm, I wonder if my cats will catch him soon. Maybe I should set up some live traps. I wonder what's on TV tonight...."

2. This one is a doozy: ***DISCLAIMER: most of this is stuff I choose to believe to make myself feel better. And I'm 100% open to hearing others' opinions and experience regarding this***
I feel like it's much easier for parents of docile, lower intelligence kiddos to avoid screen time. You know, the kids who will happily play with a couple blocks for hours. I tell myself (to make myself feel better) that the higher-intelligence babies are the hardest to placate and keep happy. When I allow screen time, it's usually because I'm so exhausted from trying to keep DS happy and stimulated that I need a break. DS was NEVER the baby who was happy sitting on his own for more than a couple minutes.
{{{stassischroeder ducks for cover}}}

EmilyLove25 · October 2019

@stassischroeder First I agree with #1 all the time. I legit think mice are adorable. Re: #2 I think it will be REALLY interesting to see how that varies from kid to kid for you (and me). My DD is---I hope---highly intelligent and I think it causes some issues for her. So I guess I agree with you. That said, now at 4, her intellect allows her to develop wild imaginary games that can keep her occupied solo for quite a bit. DS so far seems to need slightly less stimulation but still loads of attention... so who knows. I'll report back in two years hahahaha.

chichiphin · October 2019

@stassischroeder lol I love when you kick it off right. keeping my hat out of the ring for this one as I do not have a kid yet, but my goal is to limit the screen to TV only for as long as possible and avoid my phone or ipads... (yeah I know, good luck to me).

my UO is we as a society have clearly done something wrong or have created crutches in life to make child rearing and pregnancy more difficult for ourselves. not to sound like a baby boomer, but none of us had all of this stuff growing up to keep ourselves distracted or complacent as children, which makes me so sad. I feel like my kid will never know how to use her own imagination or be outside for hours at a time making up games with friends.

as for pregnancy, I feel like so much advice out there is soft and not for the majority of women (obviously health conditions and high risk pregnancies don't count here). But if my MIL treats me like an invalid one more time while pregnant I'll explode. Also I had a co-worker tell me I should be careful with this pregnancy because "of last time" - uh... chromosomal abnormalities didn't happen because I weight lift, Susan.

*edit for spelling

varimama · October 2019

@stassischroeder oh man I agree with both of yours. Mice don’t bother me at all. I don’t let wild ones live in the house bc of sanitary issues and they can be destructive but when we’ve run into mice before we use a have a heart trap and relocate them to the woods behind our house. We’ve never had issues with repeat offenders. DS also has never been content playing by himself for more than a couple minutes. DH and I always joke we shouldn’t have had a smart kid because it’d be way easier if he wasn’t so smart sometimes. Screen time is also my last resort when I’m exhausted or I just need a few minutes to get an important task done. I do sometimes use it as a reward if he’s being really good and asks to watch something.

Funny mouse story: one day in my apartment (like 6 years ago now) I was eating breakfast when I saw my hamsters ball start sliding across the room. I was shocked because my hamster was in his cage. Turns out he had emptied his cheeks in his ball and a mouse showed up and tried to get the treats and got trapped in the ball! It was pretty hilarious. I named him and took him outside. I almost kept him but decided I couldn’t risk him having a disease that could spread to my hamster.

EmilyLove25 · October 2019

@chichiphin I feel you so much on the one re: children. It is to an extent in our power to control how much time they get outdoors with their imagination etc, but it is SO hard to enforce that or make it a predominant part of life with the culture encouraging the opposite so strongly. I struggle with this intensely and truly admire parents who see to it that their kids are raised "in nature" and playing independently. I fantasize about quitting my job and grabbing DH to move to the middle of nowhere and being a SAHM taking my kids outside to pick berries and watch deer all day... but I love being close to my family, and the school is so good. I truly dwell on it quite a bit!

keeksie84 · October 2019

@stassischroeder I think I'm only super grossed out by large numbers of mice. I also think they are cute and have considered a rat as a pet at various points in my life. The mouse house was a cabin in the woods that had multiple mice scatter each time you entered a room. There was mouse poop in the silverware drawer. The mouse I trapped was very cute, hence my sad feelings about it many years later, lol. With all that said, I'd still much prefer that mice stay outdoors instead of in my home.

As for screen time, I 100% agree that it is easier to avoid with "easier" kids. DD can play by herself for short periods of time, so we've been able to avoid most screen time so far. I will put on the TV for her for a while after a long day when I'm trying to make dinner and she LOVES it. I won't speak much to the docile kid = less intelligent. I don't have any research to support that and I'd like to believe (like all parents) that my easy going girl isn't a dummy.

My UO is that professional football is the WORST. It exemplifies so much that I think is wrong with the world: toxic masculinity, violence (especially the NFL's history of violence towards women), and hyper-competition. I'd love for all that time, energy and money be spent on more productive things. Also, if I have to wade through a bunch of fat dudes in Costco screaming "SEA...........HAWKS" on a weekend in the winter while I'm 150% pregnant, I'm going to lose it.

chichiphin · October 2019

@keeksie84 I'm starting to hate the NFL for all of these reasons too.... and tbh SEC NCAA football is so sickening to me due to the lack of anyone of color in the student population EXCEPT for the football players (and probably other athletes). Like, really Auburn and Alabama? You aren't fooling anyone (except your own fans?)

stassischroeder · October 2019

@chichiphin I think you're right to have goals for how you'll raise your kiddos, but I also think you're right to be flexible with said goals.
And I totally agree that society has made a huge impact on pregnancy and child rearing. I see my niece and nephew (10 & almost 13) and how much they use screens/technology.... but most of it actually comes from their schools! So even if my sister restricted recreational screen time, they'd still get hours and hours of it every day from school and homework. Its crazy. At this point it takes a GIGANTIC effort on parents' part to keep kids off of screens. The only person I know who is successful with this home schools her kids on her rural organic farm/ranch.
And, I also agree with the overly-cautious approach to pregnancy. I feel that, aside from avoiding playing rugby and doing meth, there's not much you can do significantly impact your unborn child. Of course I'm all for taking your prenatals and doing whatever you feel is best for your baby, but I feel that the impact of this stuff is GREATLY exaggerated.

@EmilyLove25 totally agree that it may vary kid-to-kid. And it may have to do with personalities and where they fall on the spectrum of seeking stimulation and avoiding stimulation.

chichiphin · October 2019

@stassischroeder yeah no way in hell I'm home schooling or living off the grid. I accept that technology will enter our lives once "real school" starts, but I really hope we can foster a love of doing something else after school before that happens.

also I just want to justify eating sushi eventually lol. I'm already eating lunch meat so *shrug*

stassischroeder · October 2019

@keeksie84 maybe docile was the wrong word lol. People say that DS is easy-going all the time, and I'm like WHOSE CHILD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??? To be fair, I also feel that the ability to play on their own and self-soothe is something that can be taught - to a certain degree. Like I know SAHMs who admit that they never encouraged their firstborn play on their own, so they had issues when their 2nd child showed up.

stassischroeder · October 2019

@chichiphin I think that's a great goal! And I've been eating plenty of sushi, lunch meat, and whatever the hell I want, aside from booze. I don't think it's worth worrying about (and secretly judge women who freak the eff out about it).

varimama · October 2019

@chichiphin Im sorry someone said that to you about being careful. I also hate being treated like an invalid while pregnant. Like my ILs think I shouldn’t lift DS... sorry lifting him is part of life.

@EmilyLove25 I wish being a SAHM meant DS could stay outside all the time. He’d love that. Unfortunately he can’t be outside without being supervised at this age and if I’m outside it means I’m not getting any housework done so we don’t get out as much as I’d like. In some ways I feel like staying home means he gets more screen time bc I’ve run out of activities for him and am touched out by 5pm, plus having to make dinner.

orbmaker · October 2019

Re: screen time, we try to avoid it for the most part. My kid is 18 months old and I reserve it for, like, unsolveable meltdown marathon territory (either her or me) no more than 3-4 times a week x no more than 30 min. Just a reset. I stay with her and talk about what we see. Honestly, she’s not that interested in it half the time. I can see loosening up a bit with this once she’s over three, maybe. I don’t judge anyone for what they choose to do, but I used to nanny for kids who were pretty screens-obsessed, I’m in grad school for child psych/ I’ve thoughtfully reviewed the research and recommendations, and this is where my H and I are at right now. Fully prepared to eat my shoe once I have a newborn in the house.

Felt moved to chime in cos I don’t really agree with the intelligence assessment re: ability to engage in independent play thing. I can kinda see chalking it up to temperament, which doesn’t have much to do with intelligence IMO. DD is a very busy kid and quite “intelligent” in that she’s way past the milestones for her age. She’s beginning to play independently for a more than few minutes here and there as she dives into more imaginative pretending. I do make a priority out of encouraging her to develop those “muscles” — I don’t direct her play, I don’t even really participate until she invites me to, am just there to support, etc.

The way I get by so far is that we childproofed the whole house, basically, and also strategically placed baby gates to “lock her in” with us as needed. For example, we have a lot of resources for her in the kitchen (play kitchen, play food, tot-sized cleaning supplies, crayons and paper, kids table, etc) and I’ll hem her in here while I’m preparing food or cleaning. Does she sometimes occupy herself by emptying the contents of the pantry? Yep. Then we put them back. I also involve her in the chores — she sweeps with me, she helps me put the clothes in the dryer, we pick up after one of her activities before moving on to another, etc. I’m beginning to get her involved in cooking. Does everything take twice as long? Are there more messes? Sure. But we get everything done well enough, I don’t sweat a messy house once in a while, and we have lots of fun. I know these days won’t last forever. Just another perspective.

miss.sally · October 2019

@orbmaker I am totally envious of your ability to involve your LO in chores. I simply do not have the patience. There are days where I try, but generally I’ll set DS up playing with his favorite cars or something and rush through getting done whatever I need. Lol.

Re screentime: I was VERY anti screentime with DD. This was also ten years ago and screens weren’t as big a part of lives as they are now. It wasn’t difficult to hold off until she was 2.5-3. DS has been a completely different story and especially with my pregnancy being as rough as it has, he gets the screen more than I’d like. He does focus really well on it (lol), but rarely will ask for it if I don’t offer up. He’s totally happy to play all day long (with me usually), or be outside. The kid freaking loves the outdoors, which is awesome because I do too), so I’m hoping next spring when I can babywear, we will do all kinds of fun things outside. We also have a huge finished basement so I definitely let DS run around down there if it’s yucky out. He’s an exhausting human. 😂

orbmaker · October 2019

@miss.sally totally get it. I think it helps that I’m fairly lax about chores and my husband takes 50% of the load. We kinda have compatible pet peeves that somehow result in everything getting done, mostly, lol. Tub definitely goes two weeks without getting scrubbed sometimes. He’s also a school teacher and gets home around 3:30, so I offload DD on him, he checks her boxes for more of the wild and crazy physical play, and I prepare dinner in peace (which I enjoy).

We’re all just makin it work!

EmilyLove25 · October 2019

@varimama Excellent point re: my fantasy life. I act like if I lived in Montana on some ranch I could just wander around outside 90% of the time with my kids free from worry or stress. Lol lol. As if I wouldn't have meals to make, off days, crappy weather, stress, irritated kids, tantrums, over tired kids etc. etc.

treetop19 · October 2019

@stassischroeder I have to say I agree screen time is more tempting to use for more active kids, but I disagree on the intelligent part.

My DD is at the top of her class, in advanced reading and math classes and the gifted/talented program, and she was always a calm, quiet kid so she didn't need much to placate her or keep her busy. DS, on the other hand, had a speech delay and was enrolled in early intervention classes... so the opposite of DD intellect-wise (behind instead of ahead).. but man, is he hyper. He can't sit still. Thus, he gets more screen time than DD did.. it's the only way to keep him calm for more than 5 minutes.

stassischroeder · October 2019

@treetop19 great perspective! I don't equate early development milestones with overall intelligence since girls will frequently meet milestones before boys do. But it's interesting and reassuring to hear that intelligent kids aren't always high-needs in early childhood!

miss.sally · October 2019

@stassischroeder totally agree about childhood developmental milestones equaling intelligence. I almost brought it up earlier but decided not to. I always giggle to myself when people say “omg my 8 month old is saying 50 words! S/he is totally going to be the next Einstein!” (And when I say giggle I mean seriously side-eye). I know we all want to think our child is the next big thing, but most kids start around the same place in kindergarten/first grade. 🤷🏼‍♀️

orbmaker · October 2019

@stassischroeder @miss.sally for the record, since I brought em up, I don’t think milestones = intelligence either (which is why I put it the idea in quotes there). Pretty skeptical of a singular notion of intelligence in general, as there are so very many ways to be skilled and wise.

silverhope · October 2019

@chichiphin omg your coworker. I would have strangled her. I don’t know how you kept your composure at work. I would have been fired for my response to such a freaking uneducated and heartless, rude thing to say.

@keeksie84 I effing hate football.

@stassischroeder lol I hope my kid isn’t dumb. I feel like I won’t know until he’s in grade school though. I am a SAHM though so I feel like it’s my “job” to make sure I stick to the rules DH and I set out for DS. So far that has meant no screen time. Sometimes when lil stinker is especially cranky, he just has a sobbing meltdown on the floor while I do whatever it is I need to do, but I haven’t let him have screens yet (aside from the occasional selfie with me using a puppy dog instagram filter

). Oh he facetimes his cousin/aunt/uncle too. I am guessing with baby number 2, I’m gonna be spread so thin that I am more lax on screen time. I’d really like both kids to not have any screen time until 2 at the earliest, but I am fully aware that my best intentioned plans don’t always work out in the real world. And I know a mom of two is a whole diff ballgame than what I’m used to.

silverhope · October 2019

Oh I remembered mine! So I hope this is a popular opinion (ha), but it stems from me having people over last night and witnessing this.

if you do not use a coaster for your drink on wood surfaces, you are a BARBARIAN.

miss.sally · October 2019

Oh my GOSH @silverhope I could not agree more. It gives me crazy anxiety when people don’t automatically (looking at you FIL) and I always follow them around it’s a coaster to use on my nice wood tables. GAH. I get twitchy just thinking about it. 😂😂

silverhope · October 2019

@miss.sally my FIL is an offender too. I used to silently die inside and now I just blatantly put the coaster under his cup.

kailanae · October 2019

So after reading through this thread, I feel like my stance on screen time seems to be more of the UO in that I don't make any particular effort to avoid it. Both my boys get quite a bit of screen time and they both have Amazon kid tablets. However, they both also enjoy creative play, outside play, reading time, etc. We do all different kinds of play through the day, some of which involves screens and some doesn't. This could be due to both my husband and I being in tech careers and getting a lot of our own personal enjoyment through gaming together. There are plenty of ways you can make screen time an interactive family event - watching a movie together, talking about what you are watching, playing games together, etc. To me, avoiding screen time always seems to come back to "when we were younger we didn't have screens and that was better" but I personally just feel like times have changed and computers are a more integral part of life these days. It's just finding the right balance of everything that works for you and your family.

treetop19 · October 2019

@kailanae, I have to say I agree with you. screens aren't always a bad thing.. there are lots of great learning aps out there. DS has actually learned his letters because of an Elmo ap.

@miss.sally, @orbmaker, @stassischroeder, I agree with you guys also, developmental milestones don't always equal intelligence, but they are often how a school measures if you head to special education or gifted and talented programs. so not to say my DS is less intelligent than my DD, per se, he just has different gifts that the school doesn't recognize as 'gifts'. it is weird for me having 2 kids in the school system on opposite sides of the spectrum.. one in the gifted and talented program, and then the other in special education preschool.

EmilyLove25 · October 2019

@kailanae I find your UO to be VERY refreshing!

stassischroeder · October 2019

@silverhope hey, my guess is that you're just a less-lazy parent than I am

There are absolutely benefits to withholding screens until he's older

Oh, and we still haven't graduated past the "eclectic" decorating style ala college. And once we decided to have kids we decided to hang onto our crappy furniture a bit longer since kids will be hard on stuff. Point being: we don't own coasters LOL

@kailanae well said, and I couldn't agree more!

kantobean · October 2019

@kailanae thank you!! DD has an amazon fire and watches it every day. Some days it’s 20 minutes, other days it’s an hour or two (broken up throughout the day). We also have plenty of imaginary play, outdoor time, arts and crafts, etc.

The “when we were kids” thing is kind of silly to me because I know I spent hours watching tv. I also spent lots of time outside. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

i occasionally feel guilty on screen-heavy days, but usually it’s just a small part of our daily life and I’m ok with that. I never go a day without my phone, and that’s ok.

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