Me: 34 DH: 36 | Together since 2007 | Married July 2016
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
Re: October Mental Health Check-In
I had a thought that has me feeling bummed out and I want it off my chest. Considering getting some medication or help for anxiety
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
WTO
How are you feeling?
I thought about my loss embryos and now I feel no joy 😢 I'm usually fine but I think if I think about any aspect of the FET I sort of end up in negative mode.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
We'll see what my RE says tomorrow when I ask how stress or mental health can affect our success even with this all medically controlled. I know DH really doesn't want me on medication since he feels I just need to learn methods of coping, but I'm not so sure all of it is event specific. I think I'm just naturally anxious and always have been so just telling me to learn to not react to things just doesn't work because my default doesn't allow for that.
I'm not sure I'm ready to spend time talking with someone in sessions. I'm not sure how that can help. 🤷♀️
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:
PTSD, OCD, and a dissociative disorder
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
TWW
How are you feeling?:
I'm pretty good today.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.).
I go to therapy twice a week. I was able to get off of all of my medications last fall, and I have not needed to go back on them. That's a pretty huge win. Came close when we moved, but made it through.
I actually just had therapy today. It was an OK session, but I'm feeling pretty guarded about feeling anything right now.
@inthewoods23 there are definitely medications you can take while TTC that are non-habit forming. My best advice (as someone who was put on benzos for a long time and then had to go through withdrawal from them....a hell I do not wish on anyone...and my brain is permanently changed from that experience), is to do some research and know what you do and do not want. E.g., I don't suggest benzos. But, I am biased.
As for therapy -- it's hard. It's hard because therapy doesn't really "fix" things -- it provides a place for you to process the stuff going on in your head and in your life. It gives you someone on your team -- someone you can process things with so that you are not alone. It's tough because finding someone you genuinely click with can take time, and there are certainly risks. There are also options like group therapy or therapist-led support groups. But, it's entirely up to you when you feel or if you ever feel like you need that assistance in processing and carrying your burden.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
Much to think about!
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
I don't have a real answer to that one 'cus I wound up talking about sh*tty stuff anyways despite feeling good today lol. But, we worked through it. I went from feeling good to feeling crappy to feeling good again -- in sort of a more peaceful way though in the end, I guess. Like being briefly seen...
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):
WTO but I *think* it may have happened late last night/early this AM.
How are you feeling? Not in the TWW yet, so I feel ok. There's also a huge sense of relief that we will have assistance next cycle if this one is a bust.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) On meds
@inthewoods23 thanks for getting this started! I was thinking with the holidays approaching, we could all use some extra support.
RE:meds, there are lots of meds that are completely safe to take while TTC and during pregnancy. Both my primary care and my RE have said that our mental health HAS to be a priority. I went through a long stretch where I tried to go without meds and it was hell for me. It took me a long time to accept that my mental health struggles are due to a chemical imbalance. That being said, the decision to take medication is incredibly personal and I don't judge anyone who feels it's not right for them. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about how I manage my depression/anxiety or my medication.
@saladflambe that's amazing that you have come so far in therapy. I really feel like I should work with a counselor, but at the same time, I fear being judged. I had a bad experience with a counselor who said some things to me that made me feel like I was wasting her time.
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: Anxiety
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): WFAF
How are you feeling? my brain is buzzing
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
I feel like I need to share the history of my last two years to paint a better picture of myself and where I am mentally.
****TW death of parent/miscarriage details****
Most weekends I was driving out there to visit/help my mom/do whatever I could. And during the week I was driving to my parents house to maintain their House and care for their dogs. When my dad came home I was driving to my parent’s house daily (45-60 mins each way) to help my mom care for him/give her a break.
In April 2018 he was admitted to the hospital for a bed sore on his heel. During that time my husband and I sold our house and moved in with my parents while we searched for a house closer by my parents to decrease the travel time. My dad acquired an infection while in the hospital and his body began to shut down.
He passed away, while I was on the phone with my mother, who was frantically asking me to help her make medical decisions. I was the one that told my mom it was time to stop CPR. I think about that moment way too often.
The day after my dad died my mom asked us to stay with her for a year. We stayed for 8 months but my mom began to take her grief, anger, depression, and anxiety out on my husband and I.
We had started TTC in December of 2018 (I even joined TTGP briefly) but shit hit the fan with my mom and we decided to stop in February. We moved out of my moms in March, into a rental.
Moving out saved my relationship with my mom. Things started to look up. We were rounding out a full year without my dad and seemingly surviving and thriving. In May I found out I was pregnant and it felt like we were given a gift after two years of trauma and loss.
A week later, at my niece’s high school graduation, I started bleeding and lost the pregnancy. Two weeks after that was the anniversary of my dad’s death.
Since my loss I’ve gained 17 lbs and battle between being thankful for what I have and giving in to my grief over our losses (my dad, who my mom used to be and our baby). It’s been the craziest two years I hope I’ll ever experience. And tonight my husband and I decided to take this month off of TTC and regroup in November.
If you made it through that you deserve an
award. And hopefully get a tiny bit of understanding of where all my silly anxious comments stem from.
My heart hurt reading that. I don't think your anxiety is silly at all.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
@inthewoods23 I’m so sorry for your embryo you lost and the one that didn’t take. There are so many complicated feelings with that aside from everything else you’ve endured to get here. I wish things had been different.
@saladflambe that’s amazing you’ve been able to come off your medications. I hope you’re able to keep this up but I do hope you know that if you need them again that’s ok. And in no way a sign that you’re weak or failing. Sometimes we need a tune up! Big hugs to you.
@emeraldduchess I’m glad you’re feeling good about having a plan next cycle if you need it. I think of you often and really admire you for how you’ve managed this unfair hand you’ve been dealt.
Then it was years before DH and I could share a room again -- we actually only just started sharing a room again this summer. We have 2 separate beds still on different sides of the room. And I still sleep w/ earplugs AND sometimes noise-cancelling headphones that blast white noise at top volume over top of the earplugs. (I have many strange techniques for coping with PTSD.)
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
@tyrion_ so many hugs to you, friend. Life can be so, so unfair, and having anxiety makes it a much bigger beast. 💜 I hope that the brief ttc break helps.
Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?: PTSD, PPD PPA,
Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): tw
How are you feeling? Pretty terrible. But it’s been coming I felt, so at least I’m not in that awful limbo of wondering anymore.
tw
The pain from the mc is actually horribly triggering for me. I mean yes, it’s awful I’m loosing this baby... but it also is sending me right back to nearly dying during birth.
End tw
This is all making me question trying for a second. I wish babies magically arrived by stork. This. Sucks.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
most of the post partum issues have subsided. I still deal with some anxiety, but the ptsd is the worst right now. I was actually hospitalized for it a few years ago.
With the blessing of my dr I am off all my meds other than for an as needed for panic. It’s gotten so bad I “turn off”
I hope you'll reach out to a counselor for support if you're struggling.
I totally feel you on PTSD triggers. There are so many things that trigger my PTSD as well, and it sucks so hard to have reality just ripped out from under you and become unstable and you can't make it stop. Hugs.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
@tyrion_ your story was so heartbreaking to read yesterday. The world really likes to kick us when we're already down. Hugs ❤️
@emeraldduchess I should probably find myself a PCP 😬
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause
My vitamin D is failing me 😅
TTC #1 since 7.2017
Dx: low morph (1%), ANA positive, low decidualization score, high TSH and testosterone, histone antibodies
IUI #1-3 | all BFN
IVF #1 | 6.11.19 | 24R, 17M, 15F, 6B, PGT-A tested - 5 normal, 3 girls & 2 boys
FET #1 | 9.10.19 | BFN "I know you, but we've never met. I'm with you, but I don't know your name"
RPL, Receptiva, & ERA testing | all normal/negative, recommended going on gluten and dairy free diet for next FET
FET #2 | 3.31.20 | Opted to cancelled due to pandemic, continued diet and tried naturally over the summer
2nd Opinion with another RE | 8.20.20 | Not immune to measles (received 1 dose); SA results similar to 2 years ago; decided to move forward with FET #2 redo at start of next cycle
Surprise natural BFP! | 9.22.20 | MC 10.23.20 at 8 weeks
TTCAL naturally | starting 11.22.20
Initial consultation with Reproductive Immunologist | 9.14.21
Decidualization score biopsy | 10.1.21 | abnormal - low score of 1; endometrial scratch recommended and progesterone supplementation
Saline sono | 10.15.21 | normal
Bloodwork | 10.21.21 | high TSH, high testosterone, positive for anti-nuclear antibodies and histone antibodies, high protein S, multiple genetic mutations
BFP! | 11.3.21 | EDD 7.14.22 | biopsy provided same effect as endometrial scratch; added supplemental progesterone and estrogen, prednisone, levothyroxine, and MTX Support to maintain pregnancy
DS born 7.19.22 after induction
TTC #2 begins 6.2023
Consultation with RI | 6.6.23
Saline sono, endometritis biopsy, skin & eye check | all normal
Labs | high TSH, Factor XIII mutation, high %CD56
Follow up | 8.8.23 | prescribed metformin, prednisone, plaquenil, and levothyroxine
Repeat labs after 3 weeks on meds
Follow up | 11.9.23 | Green light!, increase in prednisone, added lovenox
Repeat labs in 8 weeks
Follow up | 1.16.24 | Green light continues
TTC put on pause