TTCAL w/o 8/26

emeraldduchess · August 2019

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food?

emeraldduchess · August 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Miscarriage at 5 weeks December '18, CP in July

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I am not feeling optimistic about this cycle at all and it's really bringing me down. I think anxiety about the new school year and being sad that summer is almost over has a lot to do with it.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Nope. We are done with testing. Next time I go to the RE will be for betas at 16 dpo.

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food? Basically anything with warm, melted cheese and pasta! That includes baked mac and cheese with breadcrumbs on top, and cheese lasagna.

hanshotfirst77 · August 2019

@emeraldduchess I'm sorry you're not feeling too hopeful this cycle. Sending you big hugs

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 2 MMC's, 2/19 and 6/19

Status: IVF #1

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Well I'm really starting to feel uncomfortable from the stims but I'm almost there. I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and anxiety. I'm not sure if it's cause of MC's or not but I have this weird fear that something will go wrong at my ER tomorrow. Like all my eggs won't make it, or if they do then they will all come back abnormal. But I'm trying to be hopeful and positive.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Had my final bloodwork this morning, ER is tomorrow morning!

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food?

I agree with @emeraldduchess I have a big soft spot pasta! As a kid my favorite meal was always when my mom would make lasagna. She would make it every year on my birthday.

tyrion_ · August 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. : Early loss May 2019

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? My brain is in total spaz over drive. I plugged in potential due dates and if I get KU this cycle I’d be due on or the few days surrounding the date of my loss. Of course I’ve convinced myself this is a sign and I will definitely get KU. I’m setting myself up for a hard fall here and a part of me almost wants to just skip this cycle.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No.

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food? Tacos and burritos, pizza, Chick-fil-A. I don’t discriminate when I need comfort.

@hanshotfirst77 I’m sorry your having anxieties and doubts about your ER. Anxiety is such a bitch. I am hoping you get lots of good eggs and everything works out perfectly.

@emeraldduchess I’m sorry you’re feeling negative about this cycle. Sending you hugs and positive vibes 💗

ruby696 · August 2019

@emeraldduchess I'm sorry you're not in the best place right now. Treatment can be so stressful and it's so hard to stay optimistic. Sending hugs. ❤ Oh, I'm also impressed that you can wait for betas! I justify my lack of self control by saying I don't want bad news at work. 🤷‍♀️

@hanshotfirst77 I was so worried I would ovulate early or I follies wouldn't have eggs in them. Your anxiety is understandable, but chances are excellent that it will work out exactly how it should. And you have lots of follies, so hopefully you've got some good eggs in there. ❤

@tyrion_ We've all been there and your feelings are so normal. Hang in there (and don't skip the cycle!).

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. 6 losses. 3 MMC's and 3 CP's.

Status: TWW after 2 day transfer.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I'm trying not to think too much about the next ten weeks if IVF works. Since all my losses seem to stem from egg quality issues, I won't feel "safe" for a very long time.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Betas on the 4th and 6th.

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food? Definitely Mac n Cheese. Preferably topped with bacon...

tyrion_ · August 2019

@ruby696 Thinking of you! I’m super hopeful this is it for you. I was happy to see things went well with your transfer. What happens now? Sorry, I’m naive to the specific steps/testing following a transfer.

ruby696 · August 2019

@tyrion_ Now I just wait. I'll probably test Friday to see if the Trigger isn't out of my system. And then again the following Monday. My RE does a baseline beta and then another two days later. I won't get a call until after the second one. I highly doubt I will wait for the call. 😬

hanshotfirst77 · August 2019

@tyrion_ It's so hard, those feelings are completely normal though and I know I've had similar ones myself. Hugs to you!

@ruby696 Thanks for the reassurance. I'm glad it's not just me who had those fears. I feel the same as you about IVF working. Like I want it to work so badly but I know if/when it does I will still be a huge bundle of nerves going through betas and early ultrasounds. Being my betas have statistically been good, and I've heard/seen HB's and still lost the babies. Most likely egg quality for me too. Fx so hard for your beta's! Are you going to test early or wait for beta?

emeraldduchess · August 2019

@ruby696 my RE discourages taking hpts and I am definitely a rule-follower. 😁 Their concern is that I would stop the progesterone after a too-early BFN. For me, after 2 losses, I would rather know if it's a viable pregnancy based on betas and not have to deal with the anxiety of a positive hpt. FX that the time flies before your betas!

@tyrion_ I am also guilty of looking up potential due dates and then looking for signs.
@hanshotfirst77 I definitely understand the anxiety about ER tomorrow. TTCAL brain can be a beast. Sending hugs! 💚

maserrano714 · August 2019

@emeraldduchess melted cheese on anything sounds delicious. I'm lactose intolerant now and I miss cheese sooo much.

@hanshotfirst77 good luck with your ER tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Anxiety can be overwhelming. Sensing you hugs.

@tyrion_ I hate that our brains work that way now. I also keep trying to find signs in everything to mean that it will work this time. We're just hopeful and optimistic I guess. Sending you hugs.

@ruby696 wishing you luck with your transfer. The waiting game sucks. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

AFM:

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: 2 losses, 1 MMC 8/2018 1 MMC/D&C 2/2019

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Been struggling the last couple of weeks. Really stressed with school and work. Submitted the first draft of my dissertation proposal and did my mock presentation. Glad that is over, what a relief. Lots of drama at work. But it kept me busy enough so I didn't have to focus on the 1 year anniversary of my 1st MMC. So I guess that's a good thing. Started therapy this month and hoping it helps me deal with all my anxiety. Feeling hopeful.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food? I love cookies. Freshly baked soft chocolate chip cookies. Yum!!

splashmountain · August 2019

@emeraldduchess GL this cycle, I'm sorry you're not feeling optimistic

@hanshotfirst77 I'm sorry you're having anxiety, I'm so excited for you tomorrow!

@tyrion_ I check my edd every cycle too so I get it. Sorry it's messing with your head so much this cycle.

@ruby696 I have everything crossed for you that this tww and the next ten weeks work perfectly for you. Hugs ❤

@maserrano714 it's nice to have distractions during hard dates. Hugs!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Nmc 12/16, cp 07/18

Status: wto

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? Well guys, I survived the baby shower yesterday, whew, it feels like a huge relief, I've been dreading it since I got the invite a month ago.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Labs for DH and I this week. Repeat SA isn't until next month.

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food? Soup! I love soup when I'm cold or sick or whatever, I just love soup.

NYTino24 · August 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

NMC 1/17, BO 6/19, CP 8/19

Status: waiting for it to start...

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Just got the call that my HCG is already down to 15. That means anything could happen today or tomorrow. I’m relieved because I won’t have to deal with it when school starts.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

RE appointment for BW on Friday, but that may change depending on what happens.

GTKY: What's your favorite comfort food?

Anything with cheese or milk.

...be back in a bit for comments to others!

ruby696 · August 2019

@hanshotfirst77 I'd planned on testing, but @emeraldduchess has me re-thinking that plan. I really don't want to be blindsided with bad news at work, but I also don't want to deal with four days of wondering how things are progressing. I might try to wait.

@maserrano714 It sounds like you have a lot on your plate - I'm glad you were distracted for your loss anniversary. They're so hard. I also think it's great you started seeing someone and I really hope it helps you. ❤

@splashmountain Mmmm... I forgot about soup! You're right, it's so good! Good luck with your (and YH) labs this week!

@NYTino24 I'm so glad your numbers fell so fast. Being in limbo is just awful. Sending hugs. ❤❤

splashmountain · August 2019

@NYTino24 I'm so sorry you're back. Hopefully everything happens quickly and you can move forward.

@ruby696 you can never go wrong with a good soup lol. Poor H gets so tired of soup

hanshotfirst77 · August 2019

@maserrano714 Those dates are so hard. I'm glad you were able to be distracted though. They are so hard. Big Hugs!

@splashmountain Good luck with your testing!

@NYTino24 So sorry you are back but I'm glad at least you wont be stuck in limbo long.

@ruby696 I can understand your conflicting feelings on testing. My last few treatment cycles I have been waiting and only testing the day before or day of beta. It's hard to wait and not know and be symptom spotting but I also hate being let down by the negatives or playing the line eye game so I like knowing that when I'm testing it should definite be a clear line or not.

maserrano714 · August 2019

@splashmountain baby showers after loss are the worst. Glad you made it through one. I still haven't been able to attend one but have one in 2 weeks for my cousin's wife. Hoping I handle it as well as you did.

@NYTino24 sorry for your loss. Wishing you the best and sending you hugs.

NYTino24 · August 2019

@emeraldduchess I’m with you on that back to school vibe. I’m trying to get it in my head that being super busy will help.
@hanshotfirst77 @ruby696 Here’s a good egg for you. Heaven knows we all seem to need them!!! Keeping fingers crossed!!

@tyrion_ Ugh, dates just suck. I would love it if I could be blissfully unaware of any of them. Maybe it will work out and you’ll make a new memory of the day.
@splashmountain Glad you made it through. Which tests are you doing this week? Hope you get good results.

litigatorgal · August 2019

Hi, all.
CP last month.

I'm just so unfocused and distracted today. I'm 2 DPO and underwater at work and just need to be able to get my brain to think about something other than hope and fear and hope and fear. Hope everyone is having a more productive day than me!

ruby696 · August 2019

Hi @litigatorgal. Do your colleagues know you were pregnant? Mine never did and I found that helped A LOT. Pretending everything was fine was a really good distraction. If you're up to it, try not to hide in your office and bonus points if you can get sucked into giving opinions about what what other people are working on. One of the good things about litigating, is we can keep a pretty good poker face. Don't hesitate to use that skill to get yourself through this - at least at work. ❤

litigatorgal · August 2019

Thanks, @ruby696! Most don't know I was ever pregnant, and so I am just putting on a game face and trying to get through it. Right now I'm gearing up for trial, and trying to make myself focus on the all the little details.

ruby696 · August 2019

*TW LC (someone random) mentioned*

@litigatorgal You definitely have my sympathies if you're also getting ready for trial. After my first loss, I was deposing a woman who was pregnant while in an MVA. She went on to have a healthy baby, but I asked her questions about her "miscarriage" instead of her pregnancy, twice. I was mortified in the moment. But I was still bleeding and she had a healthy baby, so I got over it pretty quickly. Still, it's hard to keep your head in the game.

ETA: TW

splashmountain · August 2019

@NYTino24 I know I'm doing AMH, cmet and vitamin d and H and I both have to do STD testing, I can't remember if she said it's a CA state requirement or a facility requirement, but whatever. I did my cd3 bw with my OB in May so she isn't making me repeat those ones.

litigatorgal · August 2019

@ruby696 that deposition sounds horrible! I didn't have any work things when I had my MC, but my parents were in town and it was really hard to put on the brave face and entertain them.

tyrion_ · August 2019

@ruby696 That is so awful. I’m so sorry you had to do that deposition. Jeez. But your strength to get through that is amazing.

TW below; 18 year old LC mentioned

***TW live older (like 18 years old) child mentioned** My miscarriage started at my niece’s graduation. I was trapped in an arena with my entire family. My sister kept texting me from the row behind me peppering me with questions about “what my deal was.” I lost my composure and text her, “I’m losing my f*cking pregnancy.” I turned around to glare at her and she was sobbing. I felt like total shit for it. I’m not proud. So the fact that any of you held it together in those situations is amazing. I couldn’t keep it together quite as well.

splashmountain · August 2019

Omg @ruby696 that experience sounds horrible.

@tyrion_ that's awful. My 1st mc happened on Christmas morning so we had to ruin everyone's Christmas as we spread the word and spent the day in the ER instead of with family.

NYTino24 · August 2019

@tyrion_ That’s so sad.

@splashmountain Hope the AMH level is normal!!

bluetickgal · August 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

MC at 7 weeks in 1/19 & at 5 weeks in 8/19

Status: Benched

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Our first would-be due date is this Friday...so, I’m going to try and keep my mind occupied as much as possible. This is a start I guess...my RE mentioned at our appt. that he could give me Provera if I was anxious to start my next cycle...and I definitely am, but a part of me wants my body to do its thing and get my cycle naturally. Last time, that took 10 weeks though, and I really don’t want to wait that long! Any thoughts? Since my RE suggested it, I’m guessing it wouldn’t hurt anything (my HCG was down below 2 as of 8/15). I’m pretty sure the reason it took so long the last time is because of my PCOS and being unmedicated (except Metformin) after loss. I may have just convinced myself as I typed all that out 🤦🏼‍♀️, would still appreciate other thoughts though!

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

All of our RPL testing so far has come back normal...we went and had the karyotyping blood draw done this weekend, so we’ll have to wait a few weeks for those results. Will schedule SHG once my cycle starts.

GTKY: What’s your favorite comfort food?

Mashed potatoes...served with meatloaf or chicken fried steak in particular is the best!! Oh, so many other good ones you all have mentioned though...anything with cheese and of course fresh baked chocolate chip cookies!! Yummy!!

@emeraldduchess I’m sorry you aren’t feeling optimistic about this cycle! I’ll be optimistic for you! ☺️ Hope you can enjoy your last little bit of summer before school starts back!

@hanshotfirst77 I’m sorry you have anxiety about today, but I’d say that’s to be expected! I’ll be thinking of you...I’ve got everything crossed your ER goes great and you get lots of good eggs!!

@tyrion_ sorry your mind is messing with you about this next cycle...I hope this is it for you though!! Oh, that’s so rough about your MC story! 😕 So sorry!

@ruby696 thinking of you!! Hope you get good news at your betas and the next 10 weeks fly by with as little anxiety as possible! Ugh, having to deal with that deposition sounds terrible, so sorry you had to go through that!!

@maserrano714 sorry for all the stresses, but that’s nice they have been distractions at least! I hope therapy helps you with your anxiety...I’m glad you feel hopeful about it!

@splashmountain glad you survived the shower, I’m sure that was tough! Fingers crossed for good results from YH’s SA so you can move forward with IUI! Christmas morning, that’s awful...so sorry!! 😕

@NYTino24 that’s good your numbers fell fast, fingers crossed this is all over quickly for you now! Sending hugs! 💜

@litigatorgal sorry you are going through those feelings, it’s so tough to be hopeful without a certain amount of fear! Sending hugs!!

emeraldduchess · August 2019

@tyrion_ that's so sad about your MC story. TBH I probably would have reacted the same way if someone was asking what my "deal" was in that moment, too.

@maserrano714 I'm so sorry that things have been so busy and stressful. It's good that you're seeing someone to help you work through your anxiety. Lots of hugs.

@NYTino24 I definitely get the relief about not having to deal with the physical part of your loss during school. The morning my MC started I went to work because it was just a tiny bit of spotting but I wasn't worried at first. Then as the day went on, I just knew.

@splashmountain glad you made it through the baby shower. It's always hard after a loss, especially the first one.

I am so sorry that your MC happened on Christmas. Mine was the week before and it ruined Christmastime, I can't imagine going through that on the actual day.

@bluetickgal so many hugs to you with your would-be due date this week. I kept busy on mine and it helped. Obviously it was on my mind all day, but I think it was good for me to be physically busy.

splashmountain · August 2019

Thanks @NYTino24 my follicle count was on the low end, so I'm very curious to see what my amh says.

@bluetickgal I don't have any advice on the provera, but especially since your betas are all the way down, I don't see any reason not to. GL

@emeraldduchess I can imagine that it happening a week or so before Christmas would just put you in a major funk. We didn't realize anything was wrong until it happened and at the time I thought "great, Christmas is ruined forever!" but I actually have the biggest distraction on my loss anniversary and we honor our baby with a special ornament that I ordered online with the sonogram on it and place it near the top where we can clearly see it.

bluetickgal · August 2019

@emeraldduchess thank you! I’m hoping for a busy day at work that day! Glad it helped you to be busy!

@splashmountain thanks, I went ahead and called to order it!

So, I got good news (I think) from the RE’s office! I called to get my Provera prescription and thought I’d double check about having to sit out the SHG cycle...this nurse said, no that shouldn’t be needed and went ahead and called in Letrozole for me to start on CD3 of my next cycle. I’m super excited, but also confused by the conflicting info from the 2 different nurses. I may triple check when I call to schedule my SHG...but I guess worst case is that he tells me not to try after my SHG if something shows up or if he had intended me to benched that cycle anyways. At least I’d have a normal cycle with being medicated and wouldn’t need Provera again.

emeraldduchess · August 2019

@splashmountain we have an ornament too that my mom gave us. It's a little angel holding three hearts. I love that you were able to put your sonogram picture on an ornament. My losses were at 5 weeks and a CP, and I think that was one of the hardest things. We didn't have anything to look at or hold on to. I have a tiny angel necklace that I wear, but I feel like I need something else to remember both my children.

ruby696 · August 2019

@splashmountain and @emeraldduchess We have ornaments for each of ours too! I love that I feel like they're with us when we're celebrating. Each one is a little bird.

NYTino24 · August 2019

@bluetickgal Not having to sit out is good news! I hope everything falls into place.

NYTino24 · August 2019

MC started an hour ago, on DH’s birthday. *TW death mentioned* The poor guy had a friend die in Iraq on his birthday when they were deployed */TW* and he hasn’t liked celebrating since. I have worked so hard getting him to let himself be happy on that day over the past 7 years and now this.

He had to work a 24 today, so we went to see him for lunch. That part was nice.

Anyway, I found this at Five Below and it was so fitting that I’m going to start writing in it today. There are pages with quotes and pages to answer questions on.

gh1219 · August 2019

Hey everyone, NMC 7/19.

Status: WTO (benched? Due to H international travel )

Things are okay! Surprisingly haven't been too focused on ttc since H left for work out of state and will be on the way to India soon. Le sigh. A missed month. I tried to tell him that his cousin (who is as close as a sister) was less important than my potential O but alas I lost

It has been really busy at work lately. That deadline I missed last week ended up working out fine. They didn't mind my request to push back for 5 days (tomorrow) and now we are ready.

No tests coming up. Tbh reading your @tyrion_ story totally makes me bawl. The pain and frustration and helplessness is so real. I was on a work trip, staying with my colleague at a hotel during my MC and I knew it was happening. All the pressure to go out and do things, to attend talks etc. I was just like "F&%$ off!!!" I'm with you girl!!!

Gtky: I love macaroni and cheese also!! Yesss @ruby696

@NYTino24 big hugs

@litigatorgal I dont know what you do for work, but I am a surgeon, currently doing some dedicated research time, so my work is completely self-driven and my productivity is always a huge rollercoaster. Sometimes when I'm feeling that way I pull up a trash television show to listen to and crank through something mundane. Scientific breakthroughs aren't happening those days, but at least I feel somewhat productive. No shame in the rollercoaster ride, it will come back around.

gh1219 · August 2019

@litigatorgal I see you're a lawyer! Haha I'm sorry I should have realized. I also read "little gator gal" *facepalm*

bluetickgal · August 2019

@NYTino24 thanks! Oh, I’m so sorry this is happening on YH’s Birthday, especially with the history! Sending lots of hugs!! 💜 That journal looks awesome!

@gh1219 sorry YH is traveling now! Hope the time he is away will pass quickly! Glad the missed deadline wasn’t a big deal either!

litigatorgal · August 2019

@gh1219 yes, I'm a lawyer, but not a lot of law is happening right now. I got called to the carpet by a partner at my first today for being late on a project. I'm prioritizing getting ready for trial on a different case, trying to marshal my limited focus on the things that absolutely have to get done, so his stuff got back-burnered and he's understandably pissed and not-so-understandably rude about it. Sometimes I just want to shout about what I'm going through so people will be back off, but mostly I'm grateful they don't know.

I wish I could go home and watch something comforting, but I am stuck in the office for a few more hours to get this guy off my back so I can return to regularly scheduled stress tomorrow.

@NYTino24 that sounds awful, I'm so sorry for your and your YH. I hope you save some space as your care for him regarding his past bereavement and his birthday to get what you need, too, maybe from a friend? I'm so sorry.

tyrion_ · August 2019

@splashmountain Christmas morning? That is so cruel. I’m so sorry. But the ornament is a beautiful way to honor your baby.

@emeraldduchess A week before Christmas is just awful. I’m sorry that happened so close to what’s supposed to be such a wonderful time. The ornament your mom gave you made me tear up. How beautiful.

@bluetickgal glad you got some good news!

@nytino24 I am so sorry your MC started today on your husband’s birthday. That journal is gorgeous though. Great find 💗

@gh1219 How awful to be trapped in a room with a colleague. And not even be in the comfort of your own home. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

splashmountain · August 2019

@emeraldduchess and @ruby696 shutterfly makes these beautiful metal picture ornaments so I uploaded the sono pic and had it made through them. It's like a whole production taking it out of it's special bag and looking at it and hanging it up...as much as the memories hurt, I refuse to ignore my angels and pretend they never happened. I know you all get it, but so many people irl just don't understand.

@NYTino24 I'm so sorry for your loss and that it had to happen on your H's birthday, especially when he already has a hard time with his birthday. Sending you both lots of love and hugs.

dumbledoredies · August 2019

@emeraldduchess I'm sorry you're struggling this cycle

@hanshotfirst77 I hope everything went well at the ER!

@tyrion_ one of the worst parts of this process is realizing that you could be due around a loss. I hope you dont skip this cycle

hugs

@ruby696 sending positive thoughts your way that this works! I cant imagine the level of mixed emotions- feeling both excited and nervous at the same time.

@maserrano714 distractions are the only thing keeping same right now. I hope therapy works for you. Also, warm cookies are amazing!

@splashmountain baby showers are the worst when TTC. I even dislike them when not TTC lol. Yay for making it through it!

@NYTino24 sending you so much love

@bluetickgal my first would-be DD is coming up as well and I'm dreading it. Does the provera help your cycle return? And if it does where can I get some 😆

TTCAL w/o 8/26

Re: TTCAL w/o 8/26

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