Advice of dealing with (perceived) mixed signals?

thesquidsmom · August 2019

Hi all, newb here. I hope I’m posting in the right place. If not, I apologize in advance!! I’ve already posted on the intro thread but I’ll go ahead and introduce myself here too. I’m 30 (soon to be 31) and my BF is 33. I have a 13yo Daughter from a previous relationship and my BF has no children; however, he jumped into a paternal role head first like a champ. He’s so wonderful! We have been together for 6 years and living together for 4, 2 of which have been in our own home purchased together.

So on to my “dilemma” for lack of a better word. I’ve been having the crazy baby itch for a very long time now. I know my BF wants children (someday), 2 to be exact, and I am so here for it! To make a long story as short as possible, last October we had a lengthy chat (not our first second or even third time discussing it either) which resulted in the mutual decision to have my IUD removed. The idea was to get that out of the way so that when the time came, my body would have had ample time to “bounce back” and get ready to TTC. We’ve been using condoms religiously ever since. Until about a month and a half ago. He started using the pullout method (sorry if TMI), which came as quite a surprise to me. If there’s one thing you should know about him it’s this: He has got to be the most cautious (sometimes annoyingly so) person I have ever met; quite possibly in the whole world lol. Having said that, I thought (or rather, hoped) that maybe skipping the condoms was his way of telling me that he’s ready, or at least approaching ready. I really have to stop reading into things so much because boy was I wrong. Last week, after gently bringing up the slim, though very real, possibility of PG (which he was already well aware of), he promptly went back to using condoms.

I know I got my own hopes up by wrongfully assuming his intentions. I guess I just feel disappointed and I don’t know how to keep the dialogue open with him. I fully expected to be waiting a bit after my IUD was removed, but it’s been almost 10 months and I don’t think he’s any closer to feeling ready. His reasons are all practical of course, mostly financial. But we aren’t struggling and I can’t help feeling like “of course we can do this! I did this once before with nothing to my name, at a very young age, all by myself. I found a way to make it work even when it seemed impossible. And look at where I am today! Look where DD is today. Top of her class, funny, kind, independent! And you helped with that too. Not to mention all we’ve accomplished together so far. We’ve totally got this!”

I know we both have to ready, of course, and I would never try to force him into anything, especially not this. It’s just so hard to know in my heart that, together, he and I can do anything. It doesn’t help that he’s constantly sending me Instagram videos of dogs being adorable with babies/little kids, or makes jokes about me being pregnant when I’m emotional or having a strong desire for French fries.

Can anyone relate? How have you continued to approached the subject without feeling like your “nagging” or repeating yourself?

Maybe I should just tell him exactly where my head went when we chose to be less careful.... he has no idea about my level of disappointment. I actually feel really sad that he’s still not ready. I don’t know, but any and all thoughts on the matter are welcome

jackie_dunny · August 2019

Hi @thesquidsmom! I responded to your post in the intro thread but now that you've shared more of the story, I figured I'd respond here as well. First of all, yes this is the right place to post. We usually have a monthly thread that we sporadically post in throughout the month. One-off posts are typically discouraged throughout The Bump but as this board is quite slow, it's really not a big deal at all (just an FYI if you move along elsewhere).

Anyway, from the sounds of things, I think you're next big step is being completely open and honest with your BF. I find that communication and telling your SO what's on your mind is the biggest helper. I hope the talk goes well. Keep us updated!

ziggymama06 · August 2019

@thesquidsmom I agree with Jackie that you should be open and upfront with how you are feeling and your desire to begin TTC soon. I'm sure your SO had no idea you had gotten excited when he stopped reaching for the condoms. Being that he makes little jokes about you being pregnant and you decided together to have your IUD removed, the conversation shouldn't really come as too much of a shock. Honesty is always best as men are most definitely not mind readers.

Good luck!!

thesquidsmom · August 2019

Thank you @jackie_dunny and @ziggymama06 for the replies! I definitely plan to have a chat with him soon. He’s away until late tomorrow night, so I think next weekend might be a good time to approach it. Plus that should give me some extra time to clear my head and really think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. We’ve had great conversations on this topic in the past, I guess I’m just worried about sounding like a broken record, or feeling like I have to push him along to get anywhere lol I’ll keep you updated on the progress.

So in terms of the boards, typically if you have a question, or something to discuss, you would post a comment on the monthly thread rather than starting a new one? Is there a way to turn on notifications for this particular board so I know when the monthly threads are started? Or even particular posts? I actually never got notifications of replies to this post, I just happened to check. I’d really like to stay actively engaged in the conversations. I think it’ll be helpful while I wait for things to move! Thanks again for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

ivyvines6 · August 2019

@thesquidsmomIf you’re on mobile (like I am) you just have to check the boards unfortunately. I have no real advice outside of what’s been given, but I hope you two can come to a mutual agreement soon.

thesquidsmom · August 2019

Thank you @ivyvines6 I’m on a mobile too. I’ll keep checking in. I really hope he’s receptive to the idea. At the very least, willing to decide on a timeline, even if it’s just to reopen the conversation in a couple of months. We’ll see how it goes.

jackie_dunny · August 2019

@thesquidsmom regarding "board ettiquiette," for the Babies on the Brain board (BOTB) starting a new thread when you have a question really isn't a big deal because it's so quiet. I was just letting you know in case you moved on to a different board because they operate a bit differently. As for the notifications, you don't get any sort of notification on mobile and even on desktop, you only get a little number at the top of the community page (like on Facebook for example) but it's so small you hardly notice it, to be honest. You just have to check yourself

thesquidsmom · August 2019

Thanks @jackie_dunnyI’ll keep checking in here

I’m sure when/if the time comes to move on to other boards I’ll have lots of questions lol seems this is definitely a good place for me to start to get the hang of things! I appreciate the guidance

Advice of dealing with (perceived) mixed signals?

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