TTCAL Week of 6/17

emeraldduchess · June 2019

**This is a general trigger warning that CP, miscarriage/spontaneous abortion, selective abortion due to medical complications, and/or stillbirth may be mentioned.**

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

Status:

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out?

hanshotfirst77 · June 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC 2/19 & 6/19

Status: Benched waiting on testing

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I'm struggling with everything. D&C was on Friday. RE is testing the tissue this time. 2nd loss in a row, in the last 4 months. I have to say I was taken really off guard this time. Everything looked perfect. And then it all went to hell again and idk if I can really believe that it could be just really bad luck.

I'm also dealing with some very unsupportive family members which is making a terrible situation even harder.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? The results should come back in about 2 weeks on the tissue. And I have a follow up with my RE after that to go over the results and next steps.

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? I love burgers. And I used to enjoy having a beer but I've cut out alcohol.

emeraldduchess · June 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. Early miscarriage in December at 5 weeks

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I am doing pretty well so far this week. I'm glad to be on break and plan on taking it easy for a few days. It's going to be rainy every day after today, so I see lots of Netflix, knitting and tea in my immediate future.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? Waiting for my Counsyl screening results which should be coming in any day. They won't give me any answers about our loss but it'll be good to know if I am a carrier for anything. DH is going for his SA later this week.

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? I love a good pasta salad and white sangria. ETA BLUEBERRY PIE! How could I forget that?

emeraldduchess · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 I am so, so sorry to see you back here. My stomach dropped when I read your post. I'm so sorry that you are going through this again and that your family isn't completely supportive. Please know that we're here for you and sending you so much love.

kagesstarshroom · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 ::HUGS:: I am so sorry that you are feeling so let down right now, and I am super mad at your unsupportive family members for you even though I don't know them. Boo to them all. If you ever need someone to reach out to about anything you don't feel like you can or want to talk about on the boards, you can always PM me.

@emeraldduchess I'm glad you are getting those tests in to see if you're a carrier for anything & YH is getting his SA in. Also, blueberry pie is super good.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. CP Oct. 2018; MMC w/ D&C Jan./Feb. 2019

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I had a super long LP (the max possible, really) this past cycle & was sweating hard that it was going to be another CP. I hate that I had to stress myself out over that. My CP was so physically painful, so it wasn't just the emotional impact that I was worried about. However, I just have a monster LP, and that's nothing to complain about. However, I am feeling optimistic, I guess, about this cycle bc there's nothing else to be but that.

Also..((((TW: LOs)))

Everyone I know, it seems, is posting pics of their freshlyborn babies on the internet. I've had to unfollow al ot of people. SO MANY of them. And people I both knew and didn't know were KO. I have been trying to be on IG less bc of it (I already only really log into FB for a specific reason at this point, bc I hate FB...) but it's like an automatic reaction these days to login there on mobile and just scroll. SIGH.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? n/a

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? I'm a pescatarian, so summer cookouts are usually hard for me to navigate, but I tend to pile up on the sides--potato and mac salad, etc. If we're having people over, DH will always make me salmon.

WorkingOnMyNightCheese · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 Huge, huge hugs to you. I'm not sure if it's helpful, but if you ever want to talk to someone else who has been through RPL, feel free to PM me any time. I'm so sorry you're feeling discouraged and down.

@emeraldduchess +1 for blueberry pie!

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

RPL, 2 CPs, 1 MC, 1 EUE

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

I'm doing okay. Feeling pretty optimistic, but I also have to be. I know that if I get super pessimistic it effects me in a global sense, not just related to TTC. Trying to keep my head up and stay focused on things like work and exercise and NOT TTC. I'll let you know what that actually works out. lol.

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Nope!

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out?

oooooo basil lemonade is my favorite drink of all time. For food, probably the desserts: cobblers, ice cream, and pies, oh my!

ejoseph16 · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 so sorry for what you’re going through. 😔 support is everything. We are here for you!

@emeraldduchess blueberry pie is THE BEST! I just got my grandma’s recipe to try to make it like she did, but she baked for a living. I’m not sure I can live up to that.

@kagesstarshroom I feel your rant so hard right now. It’s so hard to log on anymore and see all of that.

@WorkingOnMyNightCheese focusing on other things can be so difficult! I’ve thrown myself into masters degree work and planning for next school year just to keep my mind occupied.

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.

BO at 10 weeks 4/19

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

TW: PG mentioned

Got my first baby shower invite since my MC in the mail the other day, and completely lost it. I’m struggling with the thought of going even though it’s one of my good friends. I’ll make myself go, but I’m secretly (but not so secretly) hoping that I get KU this cycle so I’ll be newly PG and not as disappointed.

It’s also my birthday tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to some fun things going on this week and some quality time with MH, hopefully including O!

Any testing coming up/any recent results?

Nothing currently

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out?

My mom makes THE BEST iced tea. Not sure what she does to it, but it’s so good! Also, adding to the blueberry pie train! I love blueberry pie!

WorkingOnMyNightCheese · June 2019

@ejoseph16

Can you schedule something nice for yourself the same day as the shower? If you're in to pedicures, it may be a good way to relax, treat yourself, and be kind to yourself on a day that could be hard.

ejoseph16 · June 2019

@WorkingOnMyNightCheese that’s a great idea! I’ll look into that!

zuuls_mom · June 2019

*lurking*

@hanshotfirst77 sending you lots of love right now. I am so sorry to see you back here.

mhamik · June 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc.:

I intro'd on the main thread last week, and I've been around before. Think I will most likely hang out here since the whole loss thing is really my main struggle. MM at 10 weeks found on May 28th. At my 8 week ultrasound the sac was measuring accurately but fetus wasn't, doctor thought things would be ok. But I knew all my dates and knew in my gut it probably was not a good sign. Two weeks later there was nothing in the sac. D&C on May 29th.

Status: Really not a clue? As of last Friday still have HCG in my system so just waiting for that negative test I guess.

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

Just going back and forth between want to jump back in and questioning literally everything I do/eat/medicine I take whether or not my hormones are wacky or is it something else or is it nothing at all??

Any testing coming up/any recent results? No, may push for some blood work just to make myself feel better but I'm not sure.

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? Michelob Ultra and probably ramen salad!

kagesstarshroom · June 2019

Hi @mhamik! I totally feel you on the "questioning...everything" in terms of food drinking vitamins medicine. I did a lot of reading after my MMC, which made me feel better because I felt like even if I didn't know exactly why the thing happened, at least I had a wealth of information for the future. I hope you can find something like that for yourself that helps you to question less the everything. I made some dietary and lifestyle changes after doing some reading so that I at least feel like we're doing everything we can.

EmilyLove25 · June 2019

I had one loss (fetus growing slowly and had 5 excruciating ultrasounds) and a D&C on May 8th.

Status: WTO (and hoping I do)

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R?

This past week was by far the hardest I’ve had since the loss (not counting the week of the actual D&C), which really caught me off guard. I called my doctor’s office to ask about paying a bill I had received for $37, only to be told I owed what ended up being +$900 for the D&C. Ok, fine, but the lady was really curt on the phone, and I said, “I didn’t know I owed this much for not having a baby” and started crying, and she was (then) apologetic. But that just started me down the path I’m sure we’ve all been on—thinking about what I would be doing right now and in the fall if this had not happened etc. Just sad and confused why a woman who works in billing at an OBGYN office would ever be rude to someone on the phone. BUT that is behind me and I think I am coming out of it and focusing more on the present.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? 7,000 ovulation tests if that counts haha.

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? Well, I’m a vegan who doesn’t drink alcohol… but a good veggie burger is always nice!

@hanshotfirst77 I am so sorry about the unsupportive family members. That makes no sense to me. I am really sorry you are going through this again.

@kagesstarshroom I like your optimism. I need to be more that way… because as you said, what else is there? Very glad you just had a long LP. And hugs re: all the photos.

@WorkingOnMyNightCheese Yes to the pessimism seeping into other areas of life. I so agree that it is critical for my well being to try to stay optimistic and not sad/fearful. Also going to need to try basil lemonade!!!

@ejoseph16 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

@mhamik Hugs to you. Your experience sounds so similar to mine. Fetus was growing behind and they said “but everything LOOKS perfect,” but I knew in my gut it wasn’t. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t blame your habits or any of that (but also I get that mindset and am not in anyway judging).

ejoseph16 · June 2019

@EmilyLove25 thank you!!! I get it with the bills... I just got the last of mine. I MC’d naturally, but it was still $400 with ultrasounds and office visits. Who knew losing a baby would cost so much?! Ugh. I hope your week gets better! GL with this cycle!

mhamik · June 2019

@EmilyLove25 - Wow our experiences are so similar. I too was told everything looked perfect. I know its all my doctor could do and say because what are they going to do, suggest a D&C for what appears to be a healthy just a little slow growing fetus? So at my appointment where the sac was empty he felt terrible. So many emotions, I haven't received any bills yet (which is super annoying) but I know it will be expensive which is just another blow. Not to sound cold hearted but its one of my biggest fears with trying again, god forbid something happens again and its more thousands of dollars. I know in the grand scheme its a small price to pay for a family and many people spend much more, but scares me nonetheless. I saw your note about the OPKs, are you already checking? Do you know if your HCG is 0 if you don't mind me asking?

mhamik · June 2019

@kagesstarshroom - It feels good to know somebody else "gets it" if you don't mind me asking what did you read that helped you feel like you had a better understanding? I don't really know where to start, so I just question things everyday which is exhausting.

EmilyLove25 · June 2019

@mhamik So many hugs. And it doesn't sound cold hearted. I'm terrified of the expenses (again) too and have a lot of fears in general about going through it again. Like would I ask the doctor how much the medicine cost and just try to suffer through it at home? Ugh. Also, I never want to hear a fetus is growing behind schedule again, so I don't think I'll have any early US if I am ever fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I had my D&C on May 8th, and I had bleeding for about 11 days. Then I had a period on June 4th (worst/heaviest period of my life--wth?), so I assume it was down to zero since I had a period, but I really do not know for sure. I didn't see the point in getting my blood drawn to test it, since I assumed I would get a cycle going when it was at zero. Are you doing blood draws?

mhamik · June 2019

@EmilyLove25 - My D&C was on May 29th, I have not had any blood draws. Very similar to yours, bleeding for a little under two weeks. Yes I would totally assume you are at or at least super close to 0 to have a period. I have heard the first period post loss is a real doozy, which is just cruel! I've taken a couple cheapie tests and my one last week was super faint so I must be close to 0, if not there by now. Not a fun feeling to feel so lost on wtf is happening with my cycle after months of knowing EXACTLY where I was at with O and TWW, but trying to enjoy not "trying" while things figure themselves out I suppose.

kagesstarshroom · June 2019

@mhamik The two best books I read were NOT BROKEN by Lora Shahine and IT STARTS WITH THE EGG by Rebecca Fett. They both are more focused on RPL but both say that even someone who's had one MC can benefit from the info--I've had a CP and an MMC, and I felt like I greatly benefitted from the information in both. I read them in the order I listed, and I was glad I read them in that order.

@EmilyLove25 My bills, all added up, were over 3K for my most recent non-viable PG & D&C. Like, why do I even have health insurance? The total costs of the D&C were over 1K more than my OB's office predicted it would be, too. I don't regret it bc I REFUSE to regret it, but I have an entire folder of bills related to my MMC &... I bet I've cried on the phone, too, at some point--definitely have holding that folder & staring at the no-$ in my bank account for sure. It's part of why we are so incredibly broke right now?

WHICH REMINDS ME, I've been meaning to ask my TTCAL ladies 2 questions. They are hypotheticals in regards to a future PG, but they've been weighing me down. Adding that there in case anyone doesn't want to read ahead. Apologies for the long post & my inability to ask straight-forward questions. In spoiler bc: longgg.

Background info: I owe my OB's office a ton of $ for testing they did leading up to my MMC bc of my previous CP. They were drawing blood to track HCG & it lookged good and then it wasn't great so they did an u/s. A 3rd u/s is the one when we found out the PG wasn't viable.
FIRST QUESTION: If/when I get KU again I am feeling like it's not even worth it to go in and have them take blood/check my HCG before my first appointment if... there's nothing they can do to prevent me from having an MC anyway? Like, I feel like at this point it would only make me MORE nervous & I might as well just wait until the 8 week appointment? Am I... crazy? I just... we can't afford those bills now, so adding more to them just to be possibly disappointed seems not worth it? Do OB offices require ppl w/ prev. losses to get that testing done? If it's just to calm my nerves and I'm going to be nervous either way, what's the point? I know this is stupid to be thinking of now (CD4 lol), but it's bothering me bc if/when I do get another +HPT, I want to know what to say when I call the office.
SECOND QUESTION: ...IF I call the office. I am doing a "pay what you can" for OB's bill each month. Bc it's still so freaking high, I feel like I don't have the right to utilize their services. I had a YI last month and didn't call for meds bc I was like "I owe them so much money they are going to open my file and realize it and be rude about how much I owe." I understand that doctors aren't, like, LIKE that. But also, I don't really know? Am I being stupid? If/When I get KU again, will they be like "you owe us X amount of money that you need to pay" or will it just be like unspoken that I know I owe the office a ton and they're going to continue treating me? I would be nervous at this point to even pick up the phone and call them bc we owe so much, and I wish I didn't feel that way.

ruby696 · June 2019

@kagesstarshroom *TW LC* When I was pregnant with DD, I refused to have my first appointment before nine weeks. It was the. best.decision. *End TW* I'd already had a loss and I didn't want to know before the 8 week mark, which was when we discovered the first loss. For my other four losses, I went in around 6 weeks and was then subjected to weekly US's and increasing despair. I will never go in before 8 weeks again (assuming I get pregnant on my own). As far as I'm concerned, there's no reason to go in early. There's nothing they can do to prevent a loss at that stage and it just increases anxiety. So, no, you do not need to go in before weeks. Most people just want to.

Re: your second question - I think as long as they can see you're making an effort to continue paying each month, they won't give you a hard time. And if they do, I would tell them you could always apply for medi-cal and then their billing will be cut way down, so which would they rather you do? Pay slowly, or not have to pay at all? 😁

*I should add that if you think you have progesterone issues, you should go in early. Although really, you should be on supplements before you get a bfp, if possible.

ejoseph16 · June 2019

@mhamik I can vouch for the whole “first period after MC being a doozy”. My MC bleeding lasted 9 days, and I just finished my first AF since the MC a week ago. 9 days of very heavy bleeding. Then another day of spotting. It was horrendous.

kagesstarshroom · June 2019

@ruby696 Thank you so much. Your story is super reassuring to me bc that's what I'd like to do next time--just not go in until the traditional first appt. And that it was better for you than the increasing anxieties of having blood drawn counts etc. is so helpful to hear. To note: I have a wicked long LP, so I don't think I have progesterone issues?

ruby696 · June 2019

@kagesstarshroom Probably not, especially if you don't have spotting before AF. Seriously, it was the best decision. I still had anxiety before that initial 9 week appt, but from the time I got a BFP until a few days before the appt., I just had the mind set of "we'll see what happens on xx date." It was so much less stressful. Also *TW* I've seen heartbeats twice at 6 weeks and then nothing at 7 and 8 weeks. So I'd prefer to skip that entire period. A HB at 6-8 weeks does not reassure me at all. *End TW*

shamrocandroll · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 I'm so so so sorry to see you here again. LMK if you need someone to talk to. I had two losses within 3 months. It's so hard, especially when you're being told it's not considered an issue until after 3, like I was. Big hugs!!!

@emeraldduchess Enjoy your relaxation time! I'm so jealous. That sounds heavenly to me right now!

@kagesstarshroom Hugs, friend! I can relate to your spoiler. *TW

A friend of mine just had her baby on Sunday, the day after my would-be due date. Except in her case, I was SO HAPPY for her because this is their rainbow baby after a looooooong battle with IF and IVF. But still so hard to see so close to my date.

@WorkingOnMyNightCheese It's amazing how closely my mood coincides with my cycle with optimism in WTO and early TWW (assuming my timing was good), and pessimism kicking in right around 7DPO or so. Hope you can keep the optimism throughout!

@ejoseph16 I'm sorry about your TW! I hope it's not too painful for you.

@mhamik I know this is easier said than done, but I need you to repeat this mantra to yourself: This was not my fault. Really, it wasn't. Nothing you ate, drank, did, didn't do. I know self-blame is where we go first by nature, but I promise it wasn't your fault. Hugs!

@EmilyLove25 Ugh, that after-loss bill is the absolute worst. I just paid it with my credit card as fast as I could so I wouldn't have to look at it. I didn't take the time to really look closely at it for accuracy like I would normally do. It definitely triggered me both times. I'm so sorry!

@kagesstarshroom I don't think you need to have any testing you don't want. My OB told me I could do as much or as little as I want. They don't really push it until after 3 losses at my OB. So I say you get to decide what you're comfortable with. I am going to want earlier screening next time because I can't handle another MMC in the late 1st trimester again like last time. If it happens again, I just need to get it over with so I can decide what to do from there. I hated how much time was wasted without even knowing with my MMC if that makes sense. For your 2nd question, I actually don't think the doctors can see your billing details. That keeps them from being able to have unintentional bias when they treat you. Just keep paying what you can when you can. Hugs!

shamrocandroll · June 2019

Introduce yourself and anything you think is important: number of loss(es), when you had the loss(es), diagnosis/conditions surrounding loss, etc. MMC in Nov '18, Early loss in Feb.

Status: WTO

How are things going? What is something that you are struggling with this week? What is going well for you this week? R/R? I made it through my would-be due date on Saturday. To add insult to injury, I also got my period on Saturday. Like "Hey, you're not having a baby, AND here's your period to really kick you in the gut!" Ugh. But, new cycle, new optimism. Work has been sh*tty too. Really could use a break right about now.

Any testing coming up/any recent results? OPKs probably starting around CD12ish.

GTKY: What is your favorite food and or drink to enjoy at a summer cook out? I made a reeeeeeally mean red sangria. It's dangerously good and tastes like summer. I also love watermelon and peach everything.

hanshotfirst77 · June 2019

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate having this place and all of you. I’ll do better at tagging and being supportive next week. It’s been a really rough week. And I can barely get on the bump at all. All these pregnancy apps are driving me nuts. At least some have a report a loss option to stop getting all those email updates. But I swear next time I’m not signing up for anything or looking at anything until I’m out of first tri. If I ever make it that far.

Idk how but enfamil sent me this huge box of samples and stuff and it came yesterday in the mail. Oh awesome thanks. 😞

@kagesstarshroom I am definitely leaning towards what @ruby696 said for next time too. I have now twice seen HB at 6 weeks and it gone by 8. So yeah do not want to go through that again. It definitely seems easier to just wait longer and go in later.

ruby696 · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 +1 for the giant box of enfamil products.

Dear Enfamil: I will never use your products because you keeping sending me supplies for babies I'll never have. At least wait for 2nd tri. That is all.

kagesstarshroom · June 2019

@hanshotfirst77 omg the emails etc! THE WORST. It took me so long to figure out how to get ads to stop showing up, too. If you need any help with ads, you can dig through the March Randoms, which (according to a Quick Google Search of my screenname here & some key words lol) is where I was bitching about it and people were helping me and finally I did something to stop the ads. Also, I *started* getting Pottery Barn Baby emails a few weeks ago, which was infuriating beyond belief. So I am sorry in advance that capitalism is so insensitive and awful. Your anger is righteous and true!

@shamrocandroll Thank you so much about that tidbit about the Dr's not being able to know about the bills--even if that's not true, I think if I just... pretend it's true, it will help me take a deep breath and call if/when I need to.

@ruby696 I usually spot like once, ~12 hours before AF? And yes, *TW* I saw a heartbeat at 6.5 weeks & then none at 8 weeks &... I just don't want to go thru that again. I totally get that. I hope I can embrace your "wait and see" mindset for the future. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

EmilyLove25 · June 2019

@kagesstarshroom ***TW*** I totally echo @ruby696, prior to this experience I was someone who wanted to know everything and as much as I could, but I never, ever, ever want to go through the experience of weekly US knowing things don’t look great and essentially waiting for the worst thing to happen knowing it’s going to happen but having some vague hope… no. So I will call when/if I am blessed with a positive HPT again, and I will say very coldly, “please make an appointment for me at 10.5 weeks.” That’s the date for me! I’m sure we all have various cut offs in our heads, but that is mine. I don’t know how I’ll feel during that time, but I know I don’t want a 6-8 week US ever again. No. Horrifying memories and triggers for me.

Re: your second question—they absolutely are NOT judging you/withholding treatment re: not paying your bill. You have the right to get any medical help you need regardless. I still owe money even AFTER paying that insane amount, and I am not rushing to pay it. Sorry not sorry. It’s just ugh…. But people have medical bills that last for years and they still get treatment. Don’t let that stress you out in regards to the future of this process (easier said than done).

@shamrocandroll Yes. The lady said, “I can put you on a payment plan.” Lol, no, here’s my VISA, they can put me on a payment plan, BYE. Of course then I got another bill from the hospital yesterday, ugh. Passing that to DH to pay. No thanks! And ugh to AF. I am glad you have that would-be due date behind you. Hugs.

shamrocandroll · June 2019

@kagesstarshroom Okay, so Google tells me I might have made that up (perhaps as my own coping mechanism), but I'm pretty universally seeing that Doctors appreciate you putting a good faith effort towards paying a portion of your bill when you're able. So just keep doing that. I promise you're not the first person they've had who has struggled to pay their bill. Also, it sucks that so much of that burden falls on us. Hugs!

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