Twin sister is TTC...

MeredithL · June 2019

My husband and I always talked about wanting three children. However, after a son and daughter, we decided to be done. We’ve been married almost 15 years and our kids are 6 and 8.

My twin sister has been married for 2 years and trying to get pregnant for around a year. I’ve tried to be supportive in her journey as much as I can, but feel a tugging sense of guilt that I never had to really experience infertility like she and my BIL are. I don’t always know what to ask, and don’t always have sage advice, but I try to listen and ask questions.

So I had been expecting my period while on vacation this last week, and when I got home and my ovulation app said I was 11 days late, took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I’m excited and surprised, and want to share the news with my sister BFF, but this guilt thing is killing me. I know I’m not going to “keep it” from her, but it feels so unfair and difficult to say. It will sting no matter what; should she still be the first to know? (She was for my last two pregnancies)

NYTino24 · June 2019

I’m a twin and my sister has two kids. She had to have a partial hysterectomy instead of trying for a third due to too much endometriosis. She gave me a really hard time about trying for my first (TW which ended in a miscarriage around 8 weeks) because she wanted to be trying around the same time I was. She was more supportive after I miscarried, and she even cried. It made me sad that she couldn’t feel happy for me before. */TW* She was much better when I was pregnant with my son (which had its own complications), but she still had to make comments when passing down toys and clothes. After my struggle TTC this one, she again gave pushback about my fears until she found out I have low progesterone. Long story short, please make sure to not make it all about you. You can celebrate this baby and pregnancy, but be sensitive and supportive of her. You can and should tell her, but consider waiting until you’re obviously showing and / or at the second trimester. Especially don’t ask her for a progress report and then tell her you’re pregnant.

craftywitch · June 2019

I’m in your shoes. My sister has been TTC for 6 months with no luck. It was a huge bummer when I got an unexpected BFP this month and she got another BFN. We talked about this in advance though- that our pregnancies are not tied to each other. That if I have a loss I won’t be angry she ends up with a baby or that if one of us ends up with IF we won’t resent the others children. Basically we talked about always rooting for each other and being happy for each other because we’re each other’s main support systems and need each other. Also obviously family planning has nothing to do with people outside of the nuclear family and is never about spiting anyone. I think maybe having a heart to heart with her about how much you love and need her in this and how your heart hurts for her but also really needs her support. Of course also express that you are there to support her and don’t want to lose the relationship on either end.

alseltzer · June 2019

As someone from the other side (I've had 3 miscarriages and my sister has 4 children) I would definitely want her to tell me. I would never want my own struggles to hinder her happiness. I've had some in-laws as well as friends announce their pregnancies while I had been struggling, and although yes, it did sting, I was still happy for them. I would personally feel more hurt if my sister felt she needed to hide her happiness from me or hold back. I'd be happy and supportive of her because she has been nothing but supportive to me through this whole journey. Sisters through thick and thin ❤

kmj1426 · June 2019

My brother and sister in law have been trying for 7 years... I’ve had 3 healthy pregnancies and 4 miscarriages during that the entire time they have been trying. Every single one was so hard to tell them I was expecting. I haven’t told them yet, but every other time they have taken it so gracefully. I usually text them so they aren’t face to face and feel the need to fake excitement at first. I remember being on the opposite side of things. It took 3 years to have my first DD. I was never upset when people around me got pregnant. I just kept hoping one day I would be able to conceive and carry. Be gentle when you tell them, but it’s also okay for you to be excited about this baby.

marebear15 · June 2019

*lurking*
As someone who tried for exactly 12 months to get pregnant, I understand the struggle and pain your twin is going through. I would definitely tell her first, in person, and brace yourself for her not to be exactly happy at first for you. It's a lot of emotions at once when someone close to you gets what you've been longing for for so long. She's going to be happy for you, but also sad for herself, jealous, angry maybe, and she might not know how to express all of that. Give her time to process and be there for her. Ask her if she wants updates or not, pictures of your ultrasounds, appointment updates. She might be able to handle those things, but expect her to possibly want silence.

prpl11butterfly · June 2019

*lurking *

I was diagnosed with secondary IF after 1.5 years of trying and suffering 3 losses. I would suggest not telling her in person. I would call or text. This gives her time to process her feelings and should her initial reaction not be happiness for you, your feelings are not hurt by her lack of enthusiasm. I would tell her that you understand the news could/will be upsetting and that you want her to have a minute to feel her feelings.

I do agree with @marebear15 re: asking what updates she wants (once she is in a good place with the knowledge) so as to not catch her offgaurd on a rough day.

kbrown2385 · June 2019

Lurking

i 100% agree with what @marebear15 and @prpl11butterfly said. Tw***** I was diagnosed as unexplained rpl with 5 losses when my sister got pregnant with her second. I had been trying 2.5 years for a second baby. She FaceTimed me the news and I was the first person to know. It absolutely did not go well. I was sad and upset for myself and my reaction was written all over my face. I highly recommend not doing it face to face. I personally liked texts. I could process it in my own time and it have to fake enthusiasm. She may not be excited right away but she will get there. Good luck!

plusbabymakes8 · June 2019

I’m in exactly the same boat! My sister and her husband have been trying for the last two years and Ive got a house full of kids, and now adding to the brood unexpectedly. I feel like the worst person and I’m dreading telling her! Thanks to all the ladies who commented about texting instead of face to face so she has some time to process. And @MeredithL good luck to you!

MeredithL · June 2019

Thanks, all! ...I’m hoping and praying she can tell me she’s pregnant before I tell her, but it sounds like their latest attempt at IUI was unsuccessful this month. 🙁

merigoround · June 2019

I can speak to this too.
We have gone through fertility treatments for a couple of years since losing a spontaneous pregnancy. During that time, I’ve had friends and family who have handled things so well and some who have not.

First, she is so lucky to have someone who cares so much about her journey and her feelings during your own exciting time.

She will definitely appreciate that you are thinking of her feelings too. She will be so happy for you! She will also be sad for her. It’s a really conflicting set of emotions

if you can tell her one on one, that is best. Big settings with lots of people feels inescapable for a lot of us. Tell her that you’re excited and happy and that you really want to include her as much as she wants to be included. Tell her that she is important and that you love her and that you are looking forward to supporting her in anyway that she needs too.

Most importantly: don’t apologize. I had a friend who said, “I’m so sorry that I have to tell you this, but I’m pregnant...” I wanted to die. Knowing that my journey made her feel any kind of guilt or sadness for her happiness was just awful. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was apologizing to her and we both wound up feeling like sharing in her news was a terrible experience. It took us awhile to repair that.

You sound so caring and kind... the fact that you have asked what to do just speaks volumes about your character and your relationship!

pirateduck · June 2019

This is very difficult. She definitely still should be first to know. She will still be happy for you. Just don't expect a warm reaction and give her time to process it. Don't tell her at a family gathering where she has to put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok. Both of my sister in laws conceived and delivered in the time I was struggling with infertility. In fact one of them even became pregnant with a second in that time. I will admit I rarely speak to them as it it's painful and I have not met either of my nephews, who are both over a year old now. Yeah, conceived, gave birth, and had first birthdays, all while I was trying to conceive my first. It is difficult emotionally. In terms of supporting her through her journey, I found it annoying when people who had never been through it would tell me things to try. People wouldn't ask what was wrong or how my tests went but would be quick to offer BS solutions. If you don't know what's wrong don't pretend you can fix it. For example, if a couple has male factor infertility telling the woman she just needs to get her rest and eat healthy isn't going to make anything better. My sister in law offered to be my surrogate, and while that came from a position of love, I was deeply offended, there is nothing wrong with my uterus, if I were to have doctors grow a baby in a test tube I'd have the embryo transferred into me not her. I felt it was really insensitive to suggest I could not carry my own child when my doctor hadn't even suggested this. I think understanding the testing she is going to will help. I think telling her to call you when she gets any test results back might help because waiting for test results sucks, so definitely talk to her during those times. Asking her what her doctor's plan for her is a good thing to ask (instead of offering what you think she should try or what your friend tried, because every couple's situation is different) and support whatever the doctor is recommending and even offer questions she might want to ask at her next appointment. Also if she doesn't want to talk about it, respect that, don't pry. Ask her if she likes her doctor. If she doesn't, helping to research and find a new doctor that works with her insurance could lift a huge burden. The insurance piece is stressful. Is she good with paperwork? Can you help her submit claims? Can you help her find and apply for grants to help cover testing and treatment costs? Fertility treatment is often overwhelmingly cost prohibitive which is extremely discouraging, so help with this (even if you can't actually pay for anything) is nice. Or if you go out to dinner, pick up the tab. Every little thing adds up.

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