BFP #1 3/07, EDD 11/12/07, MMC 5/7/07
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BFP #2 5/4/14, EDD 1/15/15, DS1 1/19/15
October 2019 Moms
cmbt2
member
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TTMA raising girls and self esteem
cmbt2
member
technically, I should probably put this in the question thread or the STM thread, but you all know I like to be a SS sometimes. ๐
seriously, though, those of you with girls, talk to me about raising a daughter and combating self esteem issues and gender conformity.ย
Growing up, I constantly heard that I had to wear make up, heels, dresses, etc, to be pretty and a girl. That I was only pretty if I looked pleasing to others. I do none of those things, never really was my thing, and it really effected my self esteem growing up.
Weโre going to raise her to be herself, and if she wants to do those things, fine. If not, thatโs fine, too. But how do I combat all this when every other family member is of the above mindset and will tell her so?ย
seriously, though, those of you with girls, talk to me about raising a daughter and combating self esteem issues and gender conformity.ย
Growing up, I constantly heard that I had to wear make up, heels, dresses, etc, to be pretty and a girl. That I was only pretty if I looked pleasing to others. I do none of those things, never really was my thing, and it really effected my self esteem growing up.
Weโre going to raise her to be herself, and if she wants to do those things, fine. If not, thatโs fine, too. But how do I combat all this when every other family member is of the above mindset and will tell her so?ย
BFP #3 8/19/16, EDD 4/30/17, DS2 4/25/17
BFP #4 12/22/18, EDD 9/6/19 - CP 12/29/18
BFP #5 1/18/19, EDD 10/3/19, Itโs a Girl!
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High Risk Dx (6/14): ย Homozygous MTHFR C677T, protein C & S deficiencies
Re: TTMA raising girls and self esteem
Her mother is VERY nitpickyย Will point out all her (nieces) flaws. Oh, you have a mole on your leg, when your older you should have that removed. Tells her shes getting fat once in a while too. Shes 10. Really?! Yes, shes developed a belly, but that's totally normal for that age and part of her development. When she tells us these things were said, we tell her all that matters is that she is happy with herself. It doesn't matter what other people think.ย
MIL is very overweight and unhealthy. Always has been. She will often comment about it in front of neice. 1 day she even texted DH " Tell K I lost 4 lbs!!". I was floored. He has since told her that we would prefer she not talk like that around/to her. We have on many occasions corrected Neice for making comments about MIL losing weight. Simply redirecting that shes trying to be healthy, not skinny or less fat.ย
I try to be very positive about my body. I don't complain about my weight or talk about dieting. I strive for her to hear me say I want to be healthy. When I workout, it's for strength and (since I do a lot of yoga) mindfulness. I don't talk about calories, burned or taken in. It wasn't until 2yrs ago that dressing up and makeup was part of my day to day. I do remeber her asking why I started doing it shortly after my profession change. I explained to her that working for a car dealership means people spend a lot of money with us. It's my responsibility to handle their money and that I should look professional so that people trusted me. I know I don't have a "great body" but I rock a bikini anyway because I'm physically more comfortable. I have vitiligo all over my stomach and don't give AF.ย I'm sure I slip up once in a while, I'm human. I have confidence in who I am as a person so I feel like she can at least see that. I can only hope that she takes more away from life with me then time with her mother.
Meanwhile, my 10 year old niece is chubby and so happy. Her mom and my brother make a point to NEVER let anyone say anything untoward about her and her body. Last summer, I took her shopping for the beach and she picked out a tank-ini with NO HESITATION, something that I still won't wear despite having a "better body" now. That's just an example, but she carries herself differently than I did. Man I envy her confidence still sometimes.ย
In a lot of childrenโs books (well, a lot of English in general), the default gender is male. A book about, say a puppy, will be all โhe this, he thatโ. So, I switch it up and say โsheโ even if it says โhe.โ ย It took some practice to โreadโ something different than what was on the page, but now itโs second nature and I have to remind myself to sometimes let the character be โhe.โ ย
Itโs a very small thing, but I didnโt want her growing up with the subconscious message that to be female is to be โother.โ ย
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
We read a lot of books with strong female characters, and I let them explore and be what they want. I donโt go overboard trying to steer them away from more feminine things, princesses, etc, but instead they have options that range all things. My girls like sports and dinosaurs and planets and princesses and ballet and worms and purple and pink and blue and green. I tell my girls they are smart and courageous and brave and strong as much as I tell them they are beautiful (and that beauty comes from a kind heart).ย
I set some big boundaries early with the grandmas in particular - no talk about theirs or my girlsโ bodies. I also find that my MIL/FIL sometimes tell my oldest she canโt do something because itโs too hard, and I just step in and course correct, โlots of things are hard but it makes it that much more fun when you do it! Why donโt you give it a try?โ They have gotten better.ย
Growing up as a teen, I had bad acne. They would constantly nag and push make up so that the spots wouldnโt bother *other* people (they didnโt bother me because I knew it was a normal thing about being a teen). I donโt like my thighs rubbing together, so I never wanted to wear dresses or skirts, but the response was always โyouโre a girl! You need to wear them!โ
i went into a field that has a very small number of females, which they donโt understand because itโs not a girl thing.
Iโm already getting the โshe cant wear her brothersโ clothes! Theyโre boy clothes!โ Who cares??? Iโm not buying a brand new wardrobe of NB-18m clothing just because her sex is different. Sure, sheโll get some new things, but half of what we have is neutral anyway and that was always done intentionally.ย
i get it a bit with my boys, as they have longish curly hair, play with dolls, like to play dress up, but Iโm just really worried with watching how they are with my cousin (DS1โs age) already and donโt want that happening here. Luckily, this is the one thing my MIL and I agree upon.ย
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BFP #2 5/4/14, EDD 1/15/15, DS1 1/19/15
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I'm hoping that I can be the kind of parent to my daughter that my parents were to me. They never told me I should or shouldn't do something because I was a girl. I had two older brothers and naturally wanted to be like them in our younger years. So my parents bought me dinosaurs, embraced my "hatred" of pink and never mentioned it after I told them I "hated" it, etc. I was told my entire life that I was smart and capable and kind, and also pretty, but pretty came last in the list of priorities. I played sports, climbed trees, collected bugs, and also had Barbies and dolls galore. In my late teen years I suddenly had a desire to be more traditionally "girly" and my parents embraced that as well.
It all seemed to come naturally for my parents to just let me be who I wanted to be. I don't recall a single time they said I could or could not or should or should not do anything all because of my sex. It just never came up. I was also held to the exact same standards as my brothers when it came to things like grades, chores (they cleaned just as much as I did and I mowed the lawn just like they did, etc. - no "girl" jobs and "boy" jobs), career ambitions, sports, etc. I'm hoping I can be as natural at it as they were, but I'm thinking that during some of our upcoming visits I should ask them more details about their approach because in retrospect, they probably put more thought into it than I realized.
https://www.amazon.com/ABC-Me-What-Girls-anything/dp/1633226247/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=NB4OV9HNC23T&keywords=abc+what+can+she+be&qid=1555080708&s=gateway&sprefix=abc+what&sr=8-1
HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
My daughter is more girly than I ever was, but I'm embracing it. We follow her interests when it comes to books, clothes, gifts, etc. She's 3, so naturally brimming with confidence. As she gets older and faces criticism from her peers, I'm sure it will require more work to maintain, but she will always be encouraged to be herself and to be kind to others who are being themselves.ย
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BFP #2 5/4/14, EDD 1/15/15, DS1 1/19/15
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HX
DSD: 17
DS: 4(Nov'14)
MMC:8/17
MMC: 1/18
BFP: 2/7/19 EDD:10/16/19
Tickers
I plan to do something similar with my kiddos!ย