It has now been 7 days since I found out I miscarried for the 3rd time. I have been quiet on the matter, reading others posts and trying to help them. But I am now over my capacity to handle this sadness. My heart is shattered, and I am really struggling getting through this.
I am not sleeping well, sometimes only 4-5 hours, then my mind is racing again. Really, it all sucks. I can occupy my mind with an activity, but as soon as I have downtime, I break down again. My boyfriend is so wonderful, and is really trying to support me. As I try to relax my sadness and anger bubble up and explode at nothing then I am bawling. I just want to scream.
My doc found that I have a misshapen uterus, it is the shape of a heart (bicornuate or septated uterus), which is ironic - such a cute symbol and yet causes so much pain. This knowledge makes me feel positive for the future, which then causes shame at feeling positive at this time. All that is in direct contrast to the terrible pain I feel.
Additionally, my body is still experiencing random pregnancy things. The breast pains are starting to slow, but now I'm having these pains in my uterine area. I honestly dont think I can take anymore.
I am generally a happy, positive person. I can put on that face for others, but really I just feel so sad. I dont think I ever fully processed my other losses.
My first 2 were with my self-absorbed ex-husband. I feel like I was a single female going through that. Now I have found the guy for me, and am so happy. I was so looking forward to us starting a family. I know it will happen one way or another in the future. Coping with loss is proving very difficult for me.
Tomorrow is my first day back at work, and I am not looking forward to it, yet I need to focus on doing something, otherwise time does not move at all. I just needed to get this out of my mind. Things will improve I am sure.