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July 2019 Moms
julybaybay
member
Returning to Work after Mat Leave
julybaybay
member
FTM mom here, likely to be returning from work after about 14 weeks home with l/o. My mom was a stay at home mom for all three of my siblings as were my aunts and cousins, etc. No one in my family ever went back to work until all kids were in school. I will be the first and don't live close enough to any family or friends for someone familiar to watch the baby. My whole life I have detested the thought of daycare, especially for babies (no judgement), but now that I am here, it is looking like an option I am forced to consider. I am also exploring nanny shares or praying for a stay at home mom nearby that is willing to watch the baby, but I just really don't trust a stranger or strangers to watch someone so young and defenseless (3 months). Not to mention the cost of daycare in the city where we live is almost as much as our rent! We toured a couple and they look like a county jail for babies, even the ones in a nice part of town that are at the top of our budget. It just doesn't seem right to me and makes me cry when I think about it, like I am subjecting my baby to potential harm...it feels like I'm rolling the dice with my baby's health and well being. Starting this thread partially to vent but also for suggestions or options that others have found helpful for childcare for infants.
Re: Returning to Work after Mat Leave
1) I looked up what NAEYC accreditation entails and I decided I wanted my daughter at a NAEYC accredited day care.
2) Cameras. If I don't believe something that was told to me, or if I have a question, the day care can pull the video.
3) There are multiple staff in the room. When my two year old is unreasonably defiant or another two year old bites the teacher, the teacher has someone who can cover for a few minutes while she takes a break. Imagine what would happen if my child was alone with a sitter and pushing every button?
4) Rules on screen time. My mom worked part time when I was a child and we had a nanny. She left us in front of the TV all of the time. My child is engaged in active play all day (with the exception of meals or nap) at day care.
5) Swim lessons, ballet, yoga etc. are all offered as part of the curriculum as the kids get older.
6) Connection to other moms. All of the moms in the class email, call and text regularly. I know if they saw something they didn't like when they dropped in.
7) There is a nurse on site every day.
8) My daughter is really happy there.
Most importantly, I am a better mama because I work. I worked so hard to get my degrees. I would be very resentful staying at home. My daughter gets to see a strong female role model who works and takes care of her.
One of my friends loves her in-home daycare. Another friends mom runs an in-home daycare. It is cheaper, and I’m sure they get just as much love and care at a regular “daycare” facility. I’m not really keen on the in-home due to regulations. I agree with @ketomommy about the cameras. If something is fishy, there are cameras to keep people in line/check to see if something happened. It’s more regulated, there’s multiple people caring for the kids. Also, they get more kid-to-kid interactions, which I think is incredibly important. They need to know how to interact with both adults and kids.
The choice is certainly yours. Is there an option to be a SAHM for you? You would definitely save money by not paying into any daycare, but you probably wouldn’t have any extra for anything else.
Edited for autocorrect!
@julybaybay, I would recommend what you want and dont want for your LO when you go back to work. Start with your ideals and then rank them into levels of priority. Then consider which option is best for you and which center fits best. You're going to have to compromise no matter what, but going in educated and knowledgeable about what matters most will make the process easier.
You say "defenseless" as if babies would need to defend themselves from their teachers? But my daughters were taught and cared for by teachers who genuinely loved them and some of those teachers have become part of our extended family. They're also getting a major jumpstart on their education. It sounds like you just haven't found the right daycare yet.
A huge part of motherhood for me is being a professional role model for my daughters. When I'm at work they're cared for by childcare professionals and I'm at peace with that. I have zero resentment about going back to work. It sounds like you haven't completely decided what you want yet and that can take some soul searching. Have you considered dad staying at home?
And one more thing... Being a good mother and having a successful career are not mutually exclusive. If anyone suggests you're a bad mom for working or an uncommitted employee because you're a mother, show them the door.
Tour more places. I definitely saw places that left me feeling.... cold. Which meant when I found a good one, I knew. And focus on teachers more than spaces. Ask about staff turnover and curriculum. Also, a LOT of places have flexible schedules for infants. No set nap time or feeding time. You can absolutely find that. I also had babies who weren’t yet great at napping and in both cases, had teachers who would help their sleep per my wishes. One who would rock DS1 to sleep and hold him longer than I wanted! She became part of our family.
Anyway, it IS stressful and hard when they are so young. But also good. I’m just not sure you want to hear that. So I echo the SAHM question. Do the math between daycare costs (from your net salary unless your employer has a pre-tax spending account) and also what you’d save from commuting costs, dry cleaning or wardrobe purchases, meals out (do you take your lunch to work or buy it on the road). It may be more possible than you think. Especially if only for a short time.
However, I totally agree that when you have most of your family role models who were SHM it creates a whole new level of guilt. I had quite a lot of conflict with my mom the first year because I wanted support through the challenges of leaving an infant at home and her reply more or less was that I chose to work and have a baby and that I was “shaming” her choice of SHM.
The most helpful thing for me was creating a network of other working moms, mostly that are in my office or that I met through various baby activities. I think having a support network to share frustrations and also celebrate professional accomplishments helps a lot!
-cameras
-child to teacher ratio
-#of incidents reported to the state (Texas has a database to look this up)
-locked access to the school (doors have a code you type in to enter the building. Each person has their own code)
-accreditation
-scheduled activities (even for infants. A schedule made a huge difference)
it was really hard at first dropping my 8 week old off at daycare, but now I see it was really the best thing for him. He’s so happy there and has the opportunity to play with other kids. He has learned so much because of the peer pressure aspect and has a routine that keeps him busy.
Honestly, I was responding to how defensive you get when we say it isn’t so bad. I would think that’s encouraging but it almost feels like you are hoping we say daycares are not good places. That’s how it’s coming across so it’s hard to know what would be helpful to hear.
Some aren’t great. We all watch the horror stories on the news. But that’s a small minority and most are amazing, caring places. There are pros and cons for each decision and everyone needs to weigh them individually. With DS 1, we were able to bring in a pack and play and it felt more like home. With DS2, we had to use the corporate issue cribs and they did have a colder feel to them. But in turn, DS2 got space to crawl and climb, learned sign language and I was given a lot more information about what his day was like. He was much more engaged and challenged. Much more important to me overall than the crib.
Its all hard. I think we are just trying to say babies do great in daycare. You’ll love the Mother’s Day gifts and projects. And if you find a way to stay at home, you’ll love that also and question it - just like any other childcare choice.
She doesn't have a standard maternity leave plan, so I composed a letter of my intention. I checked in with her yesterday as she hadn't even awknowledged my letter yet, and she told me that she was "speaking to a few people".
I am so nervous... Trying really hard not to stress about it.
Here is our story with childcare:
DH and I lived in a big city with no family nearby. We both had careers we liked and genuinely loved our friends and life in the city. We thought we would NEVER move and thought we had our lives all figured out. Our first daughter was carefully planned, and we knew to put our names on multiple daycare waiting lists as soon as we found out we were pregnant. Despite being on three different waiting lists for 9 months, we didn't get into any of them. Our only option was a nanny share (which we really couldn't even afford). The price of daycare would have been more than our mortgage... the price of a nanny share was even more than that.. and the price of one of us staying at home was 100% unrealistic. Ultimately, we found a nanny who we LOVED and trusted with our daughter more than I ever could have imagined. We just made it work financially for about 5 months.
Then all **** fell apart all at once. Our beloved nanny quit on us with TWO DAYS notice. We struggled to find someone new, and ultimately ended up with someone whom we didn't really like nor trust. A major transportation issue occurred in our city that increased my daily commute to 1.5 hours to and from work. My job started requiring me to travel more overnight, and my husband began to hate his job. We were so stressed about everything.
One day someone knocked on our door and offered to buy our house with an AMAZING offer. Meanwhile, my mom retired and was just itching to keep our daughter, but she was too far away for that to happen. We started to see two paths: 1. Continue to live a life of extreme stress in the city. or 2. Move to the small town where my parents live.
We decided on the later. It took a lot of sacrifices and a few months for everything to workout, but it has been 100% worth it. My husband and I both took giant cuts in pay (and less "prestigious", more boring jobs) and said goodbye to a lot of great friends. But, with the profit we made on our first home in the city, we were able to buy a new (much larger) home in cash with no mortgage. My mom watches our daughter while we work. Our jobs are less stressful. We have no commute. We were able to afford another little one that we definitely would have been able to afford if we had stayed in the city. It is amazing! Even if my mom did not watch our kids, the lower cost of living here would allow one of us to stay home if we ever needed/wanted to. My 2-year old now attends a pre-school type program that costs less per month than our nanny cost in a single week. When we left the city, we felt like we were giving up on a million opportunities and options. In reality, moving to a smaller town has increased our options.
I say all that to say that it might take a major reorganization of your life, and it may take some time to figure it all out but you will - one way or another - find a way to make it work. After our first was born, I remember feeling like "something has to change", but I just couldn't really figure out what it was. Somehow our new life just fell into place after giving it some time with open minds and hearts to all the possibilities. Also remember that nothing is permanent.
On a different note, I'd also like to point out that you might feel differently once LO is here and a few months older. At about 18 months, it became apparent that our daughter actually NEEDED the social interaction and structure of some kind of daycare or school. Giving up your helpless little baby to a stranger IS so hard, but do remember that it is a very short blip that will be over before you know it (which may make you want to stay home even more.. sorry!).
Sorry for the novel!
I’m actually able to move upward when I go back to live with my parents until i find permanent housing. Plus, my mom is willing to bring my baby to me to nurse on breaks and such.
as far as daycare goes- yes they’re all very different. In fostering, I’ve found different daycares have different benefits.
Daycares help children meet milestones their peers are meeting such as potty training when they’re older and even as infants things like socializing and discovering.
you absolutely need to find a place you connect with.
Even at 0-1year kids need stimulation. While a stay at home mom seems like a good idea, I refuse to have my sister watch my baby because she thinks letting them sit in a seat (the soothing ones) without talking to them or acknowledging them until they cry for a bottle is ok. Babies will become emotionally detached if not shown love and comfort as well as attention. That’s also one reason you want either more teachers or fewer babies in your daycare.
make sure that even if you choose a SAHM, they’re certified in daycare. I actually trust these far less than a daycare which has state regulated checks and accountabilities. In your own home, sure you can put up a camera but in theirs, you’re just up the creek.
a nanny seems to be the thing you’re gravitating towards based on your comments. Conduct some interviews, ask other moms in your area for recommendations.
Babies actually will give you cues. Pay attention to if they cry when a certain provider holds them or comes near them or if they look distressed. If they start to act out when they usually go to daycare, or get increasingly needy and fussy at pickup than normal, something is probably up.
Lastly, no no matter who you choose, (daycare, nanny, or SAHM) make sure they’re aware you will do random checks and actually do them. It’ll probably inconvenience your schedule but the only way to know your baby is safe is to pop in unannounced. If they don’t know when you’ll arrive, you’re more likely to detect suspicious behavior.