Monthly Mother-In-Law Madness - April

aukeev · April 2019

Oh, Mothers in Law.

Sometimes they're amazing, often they're maddening, and now we're experiencing a whole new side of them while we're expecting. Feel free to share any MIL drama in your life - snappy comments, unwanted opinions, you name it.

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/iw/awn62mpadggd.gif

agpandme · April 2019

This is probably an UO but my MIL lives 3 hours away. I know they are over the moon about their first grandchild but I almost would like them to be more involved LOL. We hardly hear from them. We told them the sex and it was a "OH great wow so exciting, okay love you bye" conversation. My husband is their only son and 1 of 2 kids so you would think they would be more into it. I just don't get it. I'm probably whining and I know it could be much worse

EmilyA724 · April 2019

On Friday I posted DD's spring school photos to Facebook. Yesterday, DH missed two calls from my MIL and I missed one. Thinking someone died, he called them back. They wanted to make sure they were going to get a copy of the photos. This is DD's 7th school photos and they have received copies from us every single time. This was not a 3 phone call situation.

MIL then called DH today and when he didn't pick up, she texted him saying she felt like we were ghosting her.

aukeev · April 2019

MH's parents live a few miles away from us, so when we were having a garage sale last fall we offered to let them come put some furniture they were selling in it. No big deal. They ended up bringing two trailer loads of junk, over pricing everything, and neither of them helped with the garage sale, now that they had more stuff in it than we did. Fast forward six months, and all of their crap that didn't sell (which was the majority) is still in our shop building, making the entire front half unusable.

peachy0709 · April 2019

Someday I will share all my awful IL stories, but I'll just leave it at the fact that we have almost no relationship with my ILs because of their actions. It's entirely DH's choice, but I get 100% of the blame.

Avrilmai · April 2019

mine constantly comments on caffeine. she is of the no caffeine at all camp and I am of the I'll have some when I need it thanks. over the weekend we had breakfast at a cafe and she was placing everyone's order at the counter...I got decaf.
She also told me that if I could have baby a little before the due date that would work better for her schedule...yep that's what I'm concerned about, your schedule, not the health and well-being of my baby or me.
Normally I let her comments go, right now they're bugging me.

WinchesterGirl · April 2019

We have very little relationship with my in-laws. What we do have is very.... strained. They live very close, but make no efforts to have a relationship with us or DS. If we see them we have to go to them every time. Comment on every flippin' Facebook post I make about DS, but actually coming over, seeing him, being real grandparents? No.

That is a very hard pill for DH to swallow, and he's had conversations with them about how they need to try harder if they want a relationship, and they always say "Oh yes of course"... but nothing changes.

But MIL is a major player of favorites. If it's not her daughter and her kids, she doesn't have time for it. Even for her other grandson.

I'm finding it really hard this pregnancy to keep my annoyance to myself when she makes comments about the new baby. I really just want to say, "Why do you care? You have no relationship with your grandson that's already here."

mia8263 · April 2019

When we had DS2, MIL begged me to watch him when I returned to work. We didn’t look at daycares because I thought we were saving so much money having her watch him. Fast forward to a week before DS2 was born and I find out she expects to be paid and not a little amount but no saving money. She doesn’t drive. Doesn’t speak English and is messy as all hell. I work for the school district so I literally get weeks off during the school year, she purposely schedules her ‘vacations’ for when I’m working so we run around like chickens without our heads trying to find coverage. Thank God we got him into the only daycare in the area that doesn’t have a list of violations but he can’t go until September. I mean I’m grateful my son is safe and fed and clean but walking into my house to a cyclone every single day is maddening and her new thing is she doesn’t want to stay the full week so she takes him to her home an hour away, Wednesday nights until Friday afternoons. After this baby I won’t go back until November she can watch this one until he’s 6months then he’s going to daycare! Phew! Sorry so long.

MamaK225 · April 2019

@EmilyA724 - First of all, kudos on MIL being hip to the lingo

But FRFR, someone needs to take a chill pill and grab a paper bag. You sound like you guys deal with it pretty good already.

@peachy0709 - Ugh, I feel you there. I'm pretty sure I get a lot of blame behind my back, but I'm not DH's keeper and I'm also pretty sure that she knows IDGAF because I'm not seeing any effort from her either.

@Avrilmai - OMG. It's your body, your baby. If you decide caffeine is what you need, you get caffeine. Rude. Also, you have every right to be bugged ... it's your life and baby, she has zero say in any of it (except - maybe - what she'd like to be called as a grandparent).

Thankfully, my MIL has always been pretty hands-off ... and is 1,000+ miles away. And - for better or worse - she's been very needy and pulling resources from DH as of late, so she is pretty silent on phone calls or texts because I think she knows where she stands with me. However, I love my FIL and wish he would move closer (also 1,000+ mi away) since he retired two years ago.

suzycupcake · April 2019

@Avrilmai What did you say in response to that???

aecm · April 2019

I feel like I’m going to have a lot to contribute to this thread, but since my MIL dropped everything to come help me potty train today, I would feel a little guilty going off right now. I will say, she loves DD and is a great grandmother. She just gets on my every last nerve.

I will say...she tried to convince DH to call off our engagement the day before the wedding. So there was that start to our strained relationship.

thirdtimesacharm2019 · April 2019

@WinchesterGirl My MIL was exactly like that when she lived here! DH has to practically beg her to come over for dinner and spend a little time with the kids.

She doesn't drive so it involved him driving an hour round trip, but he was happy to do it. She even cancelled coming to Thanksgiving dinner one year because she didn’t want to miss a football game.

Then when she did come over she would talk about how great SILs kids were (they are f-ing brats) and always found a way to work in a comment about how grey my hair is getting (like I don’t own a mirror).

She moved about bout a year ago half way across the country with SIL and I hope she stays there. She’s a miserable person with no life who wants everyone else to be miserable.

sourlemon · April 2019

My MIL is mostly across the country but still drives me crazy.

We have to have the kids Skype every weekend...it's improving a little after 4 years but it's been a long road getting there.

She 100% prefers BIL and his kids even though she isn't allowed to have a close relationship with them. My kids are always second priority. She came out to help watch DD1 after heart surgery but wanted to make sure the other brother was free at that time too (they love an hour away from us) before she committed to coming. Not like we could just move heart surgery for her convenience, it takes months to schedule.

She does try. In her own way. It's just so different than what I'm used to and the interaction with my mom, who lives local.

Allycat11 · April 2019

MIL had to put down her dog today, a long time coming after thousands spent on surgeries. FIL texted DH that she was super upset we had not called to check on her yet. First, DH had just gotten home. Second, we barely have a relationship with her. Third *TW* when we lost our first after seeing the heartbeat, her response was, "Well it wasn't really a baby anyway." Ever since that her emotions during loss and mourning mean literally nothing to me.

WinchesterGirl · April 2019

@Allycat11 I'm really mad at your MIL right now for that comment. That is the kind of ish I do not get over.

thirdtimesacharm2019 · April 2019

@Allycat11 I’d be all like “it’s just a dog, you can always get another one”... but I’m a vindictive B like that 🙄

jmesue1030 · April 2019

@Allycat11 oof. I don’t think I could get over that comment either.

My relationship with my MIL has been a long, slow build. We are actually in a good place now, and she is a very loving and helpful grandma. She is a devote catholic and after we were engaged she wrote my H a long winded email about how she felt like watching him marry a non-catholic was like watching a crop die in a field. WTH! Still gets me riled up lol. All that said, she seems to have said her peace with the religion stuff and has been mostly quiet about it since... we aren’t super close but I know it could be way worse. (Just by reading all the comments above! 😬)

jrm_14 · April 2019

@avrilmai Ohhhh no, no one should stand between a person & her caffeine.

@allycat11 I think we may have the same ILs- from FIL telling MH something like that to insensitive comments on loss.

@peachy0709 Your ILs place then blame on your or your H?

The list could go on here. A few gems:

It’s well known with his parents I went to a residential treatment for an eating disorder. Before our wedding, MIL asked what diet I was going on & advised I stopped eating sweets to fit into my dress.

I told MIl she could wear pretty much anything to our wedding except silver. She came home with silver jewelry & silver shoes. “I didn’t ask you bc I knew you’d say no.”

We told both sets of parents at brunch one day about our most recent losses. “Well, now you know you can get pregnant.” (Pretty sure I knew that after the first loss). And “I know how you feel. I had a loss before each child.” (Thanks for the reminder other people get kids after a single loss & I am over here with 3 losses & no kids).

She asked if she could tell people about the losses (who does that??!) and we said very, very clearly no. She did anyways & when MH called & told her that was v inappropriate & we were upset she did that, FIL told MH he needed to apologize for upsetting MIL. She said, “I just wanted people to pray for you.”

SIL is pregnant about the same time as me. MIL has been very open she wants a granddaughter. When we told her we were having a boy, she was clearly not thrilled. BIL/SIL immediately said they wanted a boy, too. MIL told them not to say that bc they were still her hope to have a girl. FF to this weekend’s reveal- a girl. MIL was soooo excited & glowing. I’m so sad for my son that he is already seen as less exciting.

WinchesterGirl · April 2019

@jrm_14 I am speechless that FIL wanted you guys to apologize for them breaking a confidence and sharing your loss information after being explicitly told not to. I hate it when people use religion as an excuse to be crappy people.

Allycat11 · April 2019

Thanks guys, glad I am not completely crazy for not letting it go. It has been over 7 years and I am still not over it. We have chosen not to tell her anything about our TTC/loss journey since then. She is mad because she found out about this one around 8 weeks because DH had to take me to the ER and we needed to call FIL to watch our kids. That night she was house sitting for someone and was mad because the ER visit lasted 7ish hours and FIL was unable to take dinner to her.

aukeev · April 2019

@Allycat11 I really don't have words for your MIL's comment, or her ridiculous feelings while you were in the ER with this one. That is a whole new level of horrible.

peachy0709 · April 2019

@jrm_14 In the eyes of my ILs, it's my fault that he doesn't have a relationship with them. It is 100% his choice and I've never stood in the way of him or our kids having a relationship with them - he just doesn't want to.

MamaK225 · April 2019

I truly wonder about some people, I *REALLY* do. How you can operate in such a manner to the person your son chose as his life-partner/mother-of-his-children is beyond me. I also think it's truly wrong that some grandparents have very clear favorite children and grandchildren, but expect endless adoration and consideration of their needs/wants/schedule when there is clearly no reciprocation.

@Allycat11 - I'm right there with you on the pet being put down. It is very much a sad thing, but if someone can be so callous about the loss of a child, don't expect me to care about anything similar in your life. (I would've said something similar to @thirdtimesacharm2019)

Thankfully, with my MIL being so far away (and DH having a really strained relationship with her as it is), I'm pretty lucky. I'd rather be alone on an island than endure having her in the area, given some of the things she's done/said:
(1) We got married in Vegas - had about 50 friends and family make the journey and it was a great time. She tried to recruit people OUT OF MY RECEPTION to go to Freemont and continue partying. This was about 45 min into the reception ... I very clearly told her that she is welcome to leave and continue her fun elsewhere if she'd not having a good time, but if I hear another word of it, I'll take her out into the hall (we had a very large suite booked for the reception) and give her a really good reason to leave.
(2) In the middle of the 8 failed FETs (we had to go through IVF and had spent over $60,000 at this point - since insurance doesn't cover it), she was asking DH for money because she got fired *again* because she can't keep her ego in check and shut her damn mouth - and they were about to be evicted. He asked if she had called any of his siblings and she admitted "no," most likely because all of them would've told her to f@ck off.
(3) She's repeatedly told DH's sister (the only sibling he's really close to) how I'm straining the relationship between them and that they used to be a lot closer. SIL always tells her to stop gossiping and bring it up to me if she's that concerned ... but then tells me about it.
(4) After claiming about how strained the relationship is with DH (and me, apparently), she has never once called to wish any of us Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, or really called at all. I think we've received a total of 4 Christmas cards or gifts in 13 years. DD1 has only received presents once and they only were items that I specifically told people I did not want for her (we have a standing Amazon list for ideas for books, toys for her developmental age and that interest her, etc.).
(5) Upon finding out I was finally pregnant with DD1, I received an anonymous Breastfeeding book in the mail. Very clearly it was from MIL, though she refused to claim it. She always swore (even when DH & I were only dating) that I had said I would never breastfeed my child and she was devastated and wanted to change my mind. I never said such a thing and was able to successfully do so for 6 months, when no woman in my family has done so in generations (we have production issues).
(6) Now she wants a say in DD2's naming process ... nope.

Allycat11 · April 2019

@peachy0709 we are in the same boat over here. DH chooses not to have a relationship with most of his family and I get all of the blame. MIL is delusional and thinks he was always super close to everyone before I came along. FIL thankfully sees the reality that DH moved out at 18 and pretty much did his own thing from then on.

mkrel · April 2019

@aecm How did that call of the engagement comment go down? I would love to hear that story if you're willing to share. That is crazy!!!!!

My MIL lives over 1,000 miles away and I only see her a few times a year so I don't have much!

Avrilmai · April 2019

@jrm_14 your post made me really sad. I know your son will feel so much love from you & your DH, I hope you MIL and her desire for a girl is something that he never, ever notices.

@Allycat11 7 years or 27 years I don't think it is something that you ever "get over." What a horrible thing to say.

@suzycupcake I just drank the decaf. as for the timing I smiled and said I'm hoping to get to full term and to take my baby home, whatever day that may be.

after reading some of these stories I'm thinking I shouldn't complain too much, but really my mom drives me crazy too.

MamaK225 · April 2019

@peachy0709 - Same. I barely have the energy to shave, let alone make sure my husband keeps in contact with his own family. You'd think if they believed you had so much sway over his familial relations, they'd put in more effort to establish a relationship with you

peachy0709 · April 2019

@MamaK225 - That might be the most profound thing anyone has ever said about the situation!!! Wow. I'm in awe. I should mentioned that my own parents give me sh** for the relationship too - again, like I have some magical power over DH that keeps him from picking up the phone himself.

peachy0709 · April 2019

@Allycat11 - YES, exactly. DH despised his parents when I came along for a lot of reasons but apparently I stole him away (they live in Michigan and we're in the South) and my parents "wooed him" with extravagant things like childcare!

EmilyA724 · April 2019

@peachy0709 @MamaK225 @Allycat11 I'm in a similar situation. DH is not an extended family guy. He's actually similar to his dad in that way. He loves his core family of me and DD, but just doesn't see much value in too much contact with any family beyond that. I'm always being told by my ILs and my own mother, who I'm close with, that I should be making sure he calls and keeps connected. That is not my role. If my MIL was so concerned about that then she should have raised him to value those relationships. I'm not here to fix where she messed up. I have my own extended family that I'm very close with, but also take a lot of energy and time, I don't need to spend more time on DH's family. If he wants to go visit, I'll go because I have been raised to believe that is just want you do with family, but I'm not initiating it.

Allycat11 · April 2019

Right?!?! Why is it our responsibility to make sure they call their moms, sisters, grandmas, aunts, whoever? He is a grown ass man and if his mom did not teach him how to do those things it sure is not my job! The only times we have had ILs over has been because I have invited them, he doesn't ever initiate that. Apparently it is my responsibility to make sure all birthday cards/gifts/phone calls, thank you notes, etc... are sent for his side of the family.

We both have extended family that lives 3 hours away in the same town. We mainly go to visit my family because those are positive relationships, but every time I used to ask if he wanted to see his grandma, aunts or cousins. He always said, "Meh, not really." So it is my fault that he never goes there yet when those family members come to our town they never call us. For the record about 2 years ago we cut ties with that side of the family because it was emotionally exhausting and the same fight every few months.

Want to know a real kicker, MIL stresses how important family relationships are but the witch did not even go to her FILs funeral because, and I quote, "I don't like Texas." She also literally NEVER talks to any of FILs 10 siblings or their spouses or kids.

agpandme · April 2019

Do ILs not know that the phone works both ways? I am always reminding DH to call his mom, go see his grandma, call his dad on his birthday etc. I can only do so much lol

lilmamabebe3 · April 2019

Omg these are making me so ragey.

And this is another example of the emotional labor that women do. I used to buy gifts for my MIL for every holiday, but I am tired of going out of my way for someone I don't like. They have always openly favored SIL and she is such a helpless, useless person I can't stand it. She is 31, doesn't drive, works part time at a fast food place, and my in-laws have her daughter 4 days out of the week EVERY SINGLE WEEK. She spends every single weekend with them, Friday-Monday. This isn't for any reason other than my SIL is lazy has no desire to care for herself. She refuses to work full time, and insists that her daughter "need a relationship with them" but they (SIL or In Laws) never, ever make an effort to see our kids.

The last time my inlaws came over, the boys wanted to go outside to play but it was rainy, so they were both super whiny and grumpy. My MIL had the nerve to say, "We never see you and you can't even be happy when I'm here." They don't need to perform for you. They are real people with real feelings and they're allowed to be disappointed. They are not your show pony. Maybe make more of an effort and they'd be more excited?

The worst thing my MIL ever did to me was when my husband was in basic training. I didn't know this, but she would drive by my place to make sure I was home. One night she saw me walking to my car with a bag, and she called my husband to tell him I was moving out and were we getting a divorce? First of all, they never had their phones, so speaking to him was super rare and a huge surprise and treat. Second of all, I was going to spend the night at my parents' house because someone tried to break into my neighbors apartment the night before and I was scared. My husband called me frantic thinking I was leaving him and he was furious when he found out what happened. My MIL texted me all night asking where I slept. It was Christmastime and my husband told her we would not come to visit unless she apologized to me first. Since then, things have been frosty. I don't like her. I still cannot believe what she did to us just to cause drama.

She also came to visit DS2 in the hospital without asking or telling anyone, except she texted DH as she was walking into the maternity ward so I didn't have time to tell the nurses not to let her in. I fucking hate her for that too.

There are a million other things but those make me the most angry.

peachy0709 · April 2019

@lilmamabebe3 - WHAT. I... I can't. That story is crazy.

Also, our SILs are the exact same person and for that I'm sorry.

Here are my super quick down and dirty reasons my MIL and I don't get along:
1. When DD1 was born, she told DH that they weren't going to come until Easter (maybe 2 week away?) so that we could bond with baby. But then when I was in labor, she heard my mom was on her way (we lived out of state at the time), and the ENTIRE FAMILY showed up in the hospital room. MIL proceeded to try and force DD1 to wake up so she could "see her eyes" and also made comments about how "drugged out" I was (I HADN'T SLEPT IN LIKE 3 DAYS!!).

2. I got a fourth degree tear with DD1 and DH got food poisoning from the one shitty meal his family ever brought us so his mom came out to "help," and proceed to "help" by making me walk the dog when it was still icy out and I was recovering from the tear and refusing to hand over my child to me when she was hungry.

3. She formula shamed me when we started to wean DD1 in my own home.

There are so many other things but those are the things that always stick out as the the "hell no, we don't have a relationship because of 1, 2, 3."

EmilyA724 · April 2019

@lilmamabebe3 My MIL says things along the lines of "We never see you and you can't even be happy when I'm here." all the time too. When DD was first born she would complain that every time she would visit DD would be sleeping. THAT'S WHAT NEWBORNS DO. She also helped watch DD from when she was 7 weeks old - 12 weeks old because I had to go back to work part time and we were trying to hold off putting DD in daycare until she was 12 weeks. MIL used to just say how boring she was or complained that DD didn't like the swing that they bought just for her (I knew DD didn't like swings, if they asked before buying I would have told them).

But man, purposely causing drama while your husband is away is so messed up. I'd never trust her again either.

peachy0709 · April 2019

@EmilyA724 - send your MIL here. My kids are woke from the minute they are born and are clingy little koalas. She'd realize the error of her ways immediately and be like, give me that sweet normal newborn!!!

aecm · April 2019

@mkrel I wasn’t around when MIL tried to get DH to call of the engagement, and he was smart enough not to tell me until a bit after the wedding when the sh*t really started to hit the fan.

Our relationship was fine until we had to plan the wedding, then everything boiled over around the holidays. Originally we planned to spend our first Thanksgiving with my in-laws then travel and spend Christmas with my family. We soon realized my green card wouldn’t be processed in time for me to go back to Canada for Christmas, so my parents decided to come to us instead. They suggested we all get together with DH’s family since we would be in the area. DH’s aunt didn’t want my parents to come (weird, but whatever- it was at her house, so her call) so we decided the 4 of us would just celebrate together. MIL flipped out. She had offered to host my parents (and us) on Christmas Eve, but still wanted DH and I to show up at his aunt’s on Christmas Day...leaving my parents alone at their hotel. I refused, a huge argument ensued, lots of cursing on her part, and it ended up with her uninviting us to Thanksgiving.

The blowout happened RIGHT before we left for our honeymoon, and she also changed her mind about dog sitting for us, so we had to scramble to get the dog a kennel, arrange for a friend to pick the dog up and get her back to our place before the kennel closed for the holiday. We spent Thanksgiving alone in our apartment. I think we ate leftover takeout. My parents decided to step back and stayed home for Christmas to avoid more drama, so MIL got her way and we were with her for Christmas, but the whole incident ended up irreparably souring our relationship.

MamaK225 · April 2019

@aecm - Wow. Just wow.
@lilmamabebe3 - Nope. Immediate removal of that relationship. How awful.
@peachy0709 - I swear there are two camps of moms/grandmothers: those who are thrilled to be grandparents/parents and want to do whatever they can to help AND people who forgot what those hellish first few days/weeks are like and/or lost all "motherly" touch once the kids moved out and have happily settled into their role as empty-nester (making it difficult for them to give of themselves to others). Just all the nope.

wabash15 · April 2019

@lilmamabebe3 wow... that is some crazy ish... to call while in basic training?!?! and to jump to divorce?!?! WTH
@peachy0709 I'm so sorry MIL formula shamed you and you got the bum-rush at the hospital room... Nope, not OK.

really my mom is the special one. She demanded to be at the birth of the twins (umm nope) but then didn't answer the phone or call us back for 3 days after they were born. She then demanded to come meet them on my last weekend of mat leave and made me do all the work (cooking/cleaning/etc). She hasnt seen the twins since they were 4mo and has never met DD2... I have mixed feelings about this. also none of the grandparents were happy to hear about baby #4

MamaK225 · April 2019

@wabash15 - Why is it SO many people have opinions about OTHER people's family planning? Nope!

jrm_14 · April 2019

@peachy0709 I fear the “Your mom did x so now I get to do x+y.”

@lilmamabebe3 Did you MIL ever appreciate the gifts or use them?

Yesterday, I finally announced on social media. It was a rough weekend of seeing MIL so v excited for SIL’s girl that I honestly just wanted some excitement about my future son. In the middle of 50+ congratulations, etc, MIL post “I see the cat in pictures, but what about the dog?” I deleted her comment. This is after last week, she commented on a post about SIL’s pregnancy that I was pregnant. I was livid. I called her & told her to delete it as we would decide when we were ready to announce.

Monthly Mother-In-Law Madness - April

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