I had my first pregnancy and miscarriage towards the end of January. My feelings have been all over the place, initially I was really scared and thought the timing was awful. We had been passively trying for several months and had decided to take a break over the holidays and wait til later in the year when low and behold I was pregnant. I was also terrified that something would be wrong with it because as I said, stopped trying! Lots of alcohol, coffee, general junk food, ect over the holidays. I miscarried going into my 6th week, which in a weird way I was greatful for because the baby didn’t have a heart beat yet, it felt more like it was still “a clump if cells”. I think it would’ve been much much more difficult had it been later in. I swore up and down it was fine and for people not to fawn and sympathize over me, I felt like since I wasn’t devestated and it wasn’t planned I didn’t deserve that because I know how devestating it can be for others.
Fast forward to know and I have been so up and down it’s crazy, I feel guilty. I get really sad every time someone else announces their due around the same time we would’ve been. I can say at least 8 people I know have announced their due late September. Recently I started feeling angry about it and really judgmental, friends who aren’t married, friends who don’t have stable jobs, or haven’t been in a relationship that long, or they’re younger than me! Most of the time I’ve been able to go about my business and remind myself I didn’t really wan a baby then.
Yesterday my husband told me that his mother announced his cousin and his girlfriend are having a baby and of course, it will be due when ours was. This has really sent me spiraling and I hate myself for having such awful thoughts. It’s the same sort of thing, they’ve been together a shorter period than us, they’re not even married yet, they don’t even have their lives together.... they both smoke and do a lot of weed! I don’t even know why it bothers me, my husband is the oldest and we were the first to do everything in his family (which I HATED the attention) and I always said I’d rather someone else have the first great grandchild than us because they’re so intense as a family. Now I’m like this! In addition my brother and his brother are both planning to get engaged in the next few months, so there’s a lot of excitement there as well.
I don’t even know if I’m asking for advice or just venting. But anything offered is appreciated