The worst year of my life

This is the first time I’ve really opened up about this but I’m a freshman in college and I just don’t know where to start. I met an amazing guy and he just strictly wanted to hookup and that’s what I thought I wanted to until I actually caught feelings for him. I remember before we even had sex he goes, “Well what if I get you pregnant” and I was like well I don’t know and I kind of brushed it off.

He genuinely wanted to talk about it and so we did and he said our baby would beautiful if we had one. He said we would get a house off campus and raise our child. Of course that sounds like a fairytale to me. 

We had sex for a couple of weeks and I started to sleep a lot a lot more and pee a lot more than usual and on the inside I was freaking out. I had weird cravings and before you knew it I gained five lbs in a week but I’m a wrestler and I wrestle for my college so I cut weight and it fluctuates all the time. I decided to get a pregnancy test just to make sure and it was 99% effective but I realized later that I took it too early. 

After practice one day before my 8 o’clock class, I used the bathroom and I had sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, I laid on the floor for an hour and the only reason why I got off of the bathroom floor was because I’m a pre-med major and I can not miss class when ever I feel like it. 

I felt like crap for the rest of the day but I slept it off of course. The guy that I was hooking up with at the time could tell I was being distant and my emotions had been all over the place. But I still did not tell him the possibility of me being pregnant until one night and he freaked out. The next couple of days he did not stop blowing up my phone and being concerned with me but I didn’t even know what was happening myself 

Again, like I usually do, I just brushed it off and acted like everything was fine. Thanksgiving break was coming up and I had just lost my grandma 2 weeks before break and another grandma a month before. I couldn’t take anymore bad news. I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist just to make sure my iud was fine. I expressed to her the weird feelings I had explained about and the pregnancy “scare” I had. 

She took an ultrasound to make sure my iud was in place correctly and then that’s where she saw signs of me being pregnant from an ultrasound. I was so confused on what was happening and that’s when she informed me that I had a miscarriage and she asked if I had any discomfort and I told her that I hadn’t because I was cutting weight at the time and I worked out twice a day. I really thought I wasn’t physically fit for a baby until I figured out I was the 1 percent. I ask myself all the time, what if I just told the guy that I was booking up with because he was concerned and he wanted me to keep the baby.

After I came back from break I went to a party and drunk texted him about how I had a miscarriage and how I was pregnant but I didn’t know until I went on break. He was so mad at me and he told me that the past few months had been a living hell for him and it was my fault. He also called me a liar because he said the timing didnt add up. Whenever he’s with his friends and I walk past him he just stares at me and they all laugh at me. Losing three loved ones in three months ontop of having to deal with people laughing at me because they don’t know the story has made me hit rock bottom and people don’t understand what it feels like especially at my age. I think about the baby I could have had all the time and it just breaks my heart to realize that I let something so precious slip out of my hands because I didn’t take precautions and I didn’t look into the signs