Older siblings and the facts of life...?

kaitykins · February 2019

I figured this could be out of the randoms because I’d like to find it again... and there are enough of us that could discuss well here.

My dd is newly 3, she speaks, questions and plays like a four year old and is the size of a four-five year old. We haven’t done complete language when it comes to body parts because she doesn’t understand her own privacy yet and I want to offer a little protection from older children who can use knowledge to their advantage. (I have a history of sexual abuse from another child who was older...) anyway, she knows she has private parts, a womb, a front and a bottom. And we will probably use the same terms for baby brother, minus womb of course)

Dd has been asking where baby will come out of me. We’ve talked about some people having surgery to get baby out and that mommy has a special place for baby to come out. She knows he is in my womb and that he will come out. She keeps wondering though, so I think I need to give her more information, she has asked if he can come out of my mouth, or nose, or eyes... anyway... I’m thinking I’ll go with “a private place by my front (which she understands as where the pee comes from)

What have you all done with answering questions and little guys. I want to balance the information and keep it at an appropriate level
for her understanding. We are literally just at the part of understanding that underwear covers private parts and that she should
keep her unders on in public and around other people.

blueberrymomma · February 2019

My DD is 5.5 and is super advanced in understanding more complicated things for her age. She can also spot BS pretty well so we’ve learned to tell her the truth about things but at an age appropriate level(Incase she repeats it at school) So we just told her the baby comes out of mommy’s private parts. She understands “private’s” and that we don’t talk about them or show others. After we told her she stopped asking. On the other hand my 3 year old DS could care less about babies and where they come from lol. It must be a girl thing

batmama31 · February 2019

yeah... idk that i’m much help. i don’t avoid anything w/ my 4yo son. he sees me naked on a regular basis & has complimented me on my “penis.” 😂 he said it w/ such confidence that i just replied “thank you.” we have watched birthing videos together. (on accident- he caught me watching & i didn’t stop when he joined in.) but after the videos he is convinced that babies come out of our butts. and i haven’t corrected him. idk if he would understand that the tummy & womb are 2 different things, so he just knows that babies are in tummies. early in my pregnancy, when i would tell him to be gentle w/ me b/c there was a baby in my belly, he would do the same when i would play w/ him. he’d say, “be careful, mama. there’s a pterodactyl in my belly.” & then ask if it was going to come out of his butt. i would just tell him, “well, it’s gotta come out somehow...”

🤷🏻‍♀️ i’m probably really fucking him up, but these are the joys of parenting, right?

kangstadt · February 2019

My son will be 5 in April, and has been very curious/fixated on penises, vaginas, and butts lately. I got an awesome book called "Babies Don't Eat Pizza," that has slightly older child appropriate terminology (uterus, womb, shows an illustration of nursing) that we have read a few times. He still says that he has a baby in his belly too, but he also tells people that baby brother is in my uterus. Other than one time when he asked how he will get out, he hasn't seemed super interested in specifics.

thatbaintforbetty · February 2019

DD hasn’t asked how the baby is going to come out. She knows the words vagina, boobs, butt etc. (although I keep trying to figure out a better description for the entire female pubic area, since technically vagina is a very specific part) She does say the baby is in my belly cause I haven’t tried to explain the concept of a womb. Although I have been eyeing the book @kangstadt mentioned and might go that route is she starts with the questions.

mermaidca · February 2019

My girls will be 4 next month and we use proper words (penis, vagina etc.). The girls know they were c section babies but I said this one will (hopefully) come out my vagina. They just took it as that and moved on. The question they asked that stumped me was how the baby got in there. I'm not ready to answer that one but I'm happy to be open and honest about bodies. They're nothing to be ashamed of blah blah blah.

harveyisaboysname · February 2019

DD will be 6 when this one is born. For now she thinks baby was made by swallowing a pumpkin seed and I’m going to keep it at that until she really starts understanding more. She has seen birth photos so she knows baby comes out of the vagina or via c-section.
She’s also super helpful while I’m nannying so she’s seen a penis ( when I give him baths or change him) and understands boys have different parts than girls. I’m sure she will have a million more questions when she helps change her brothers diapers and I’m just going to be honest with her.

professormama · February 2019

My son is 4 and has been asking a lot of questions. My general rule is to be honest, but not overly specific. I also rely heavily on books. We read “The Baby Tree,” which I highly recommend in answering the where do babies come from question. He was pretty satisfied for most of my pregnancy with knowing that the baby is growing in my tummy / uterus (I don’t think he knows the difference). But recently he did ask how the baby will get out of me. I said it comes out my vagina, which is a special opening that will let the baby out. That basically satisfied him, though he did ask a few more questions. It was bedtime at that point so I told him we could read a book about it later, but he hasn’t brought it up again so I’ve left it alone.
One thing to consider, and this is super delicate since you have a history with abuse, but research shows that children knowing anatomical language for their body actually helps them resist and/or report abuse if it does happen. It gives them the language to articulate what they experience. Plus, adult abusers tend to use “cute” language for private parts. I’m definitely NOT telling you what to do here, and it’s a super personal decision that you need to figure out what’s right for your family, especially with your personal experience. But I can share some articles about it if you decide you’d like to know more on that front.

robyn2201 · February 2019

I don’t remember exactly when talked to the girls but it was pretty young. I think we started around two and just said your private parts and that we don’t allow people to touch us there. Maybe around three we talked about how girls specifically have vaginas, where our pee comes out, and boys have a penis. We have always used proper terms as I had read an article that mentioned it helping kids verbalize when abuse has occurred like @professormama mentioned.

They have asked how babies are born and I explained they grow in your uterus and then when they are born the travel down and out your vagina. DD2 (6) doesn’t seem to care about how they get there. DD1(8) asked and I said we would discuss soon. We are going to have to have the birds and bees talk very soon. I have been putting it off. She does understand that women have periods but doesn’t understand why.

On a kind of funny note they understand cats and dogs to need to be fixed. We watch this vet show together sometimes and they would be able to tell you a male dog or cat gets his balls taken out, so they can’t have babies, but they have never asked why.

kaitykins · February 2019

@professormama

I do appreciate that research, I only disagree in that I think teaching locational words (front, bottom) is factual enough until she is really understanding that she and her private’s deserve privacy and respect from others. Once she has a handle on that we will probably get a few more body books (she’s a bookworm) and read all about the parts.

As as far as vagina, it doesn’t encompass all parts of a female and rarely folks teach their kid to say urethra or Anus, so there are levels of cushioning the language.

Anyway, so many ways to discuss and not discuss.

glad a bunch of you chimed in.

kaitykins · February 2019

Oh, for boys, I'm thinking of just using the term gonads for his testicles as that is science and helpful because girls have gonads too? Any thoughts on that one? Just curious.

professormama · February 2019

@kbirchtree well, thats true, urethra is extremely specific to the tiny hole where pee comes out, and i don't think most kids are even aware that exists. Similarly, I haven't taught anus because he hasn't really specifically asked about that body part. Bottom seems specific enough right now. But, I do plan to teach my kid all those words at some point, probably with a book because it feels very awkward to me. Re boys and body parts, I think that his balls have come up once (maybe he asked if they were part of his penis?) and I told him those were testicles? To be honest, I'm not sure what gonads are myself, so I'm not going to tell him that term unless I actually know what I'm talking about. hah. But again, I sort of take these things as they come up. When he asks a question or expresses interest in body parts, I always try to label them correctly, but if it doesn't come up then I typically don't go out of my way to bring it up. But I like I said, this is one of those things thats soooo personal. I don't judge anyone else for how they go about these conversations (within reason, hah).

saraleigh2 · February 2019

I was around a lot of children at a young age (day care), then school as early as possible. My mother was a nurse working 12 hr shifts at the time and I was very advance with my language skills and comprehension. I asked a lot of questions especially because I was often around older children. And if I asked my mother answered. I understood the basics of sex by the time I was 3: boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, each parent contributes egg/sperm and the baby grows in mommy’s uterus. I definitely understood that this was achieved through penetrative sex but I don’t remember the language my mother used. I definitely got anatomy books, and the lessons involved more than sex. I could name and place most of the organ systems by 4: large/small intestines, gallbladder, pancreas, liver, kidneys, uterus, bladder etc. and the topic of body functions, sex etc was revised many times as I grew up and became more detailed as I matured. My mom often told me and I’ve found this to be true now with my own children: don’t worry about telling them too much as long as it’s honest and you are using correct/reasonable language, kids will stop listening when they’ve heard/absorbed what they need. And as long as your line of communication is open and safe they will come to you first when they have questions.

I would agree with what others have said: answered the questions honestly and then see if they ask more questions or follow up questions. You don’t have to tackle it all at once. Sometimes something simple like mommy gives a part (egg) daddy gives a part (sperm) and baby grows in mommy’s belly is enough. Perhaps later they ask how did it get in there... and then you can answer that when the time comes. You can also say mommy needs to get a book or picture to help let’s talk about this later just be sure you get said book so you have it when they ask again.

dAsch14 · February 2019

We give our 3 yr old accurate terms for his body: penis, testes, nipple, etc. When he's asked where the baby will come out I've told him "through the birth canal, which is part of the vagina". He has also asked how baby "got in there" and I told him that the baby was create by god and got into my tummy through intercourse. He didn't ask for additional details on intercourse, not quite sure how I'll explain that yet.
I feel like making up words and stories just makes this more confusing for kids in the future when they learn the real info. Also, I want to practice being comfortable with these terms now.

MeridethKimble · February 2019

I use anatomically correct language with my kids so that if they have to, they can tell me or a doctor what's going on or what happened. I'm an attorney who has had to talk to little kids about such things, and their identification of their own bodies can be crucial. It's also helpful to medical professionals when something doesn't feel right. From my perspective, please consider helping your kids know what's what, and who is allowed to see/touch it, all according to your family's comfort level of course.

When #2 was born, #1 asked how he came out. I asked her what she thought. She told me through a little door. I told her basically that's correct, and told her where. Recently, she (now 4) asked how the baby got in there. I told her that Mommy and Daddy planted a seed. She thought that was hilarious. She didn't ask more questions, so I haven't told her more. But if she asked how, I would probably tell her more truth, trying to use language she understands.

professormama · February 2019

@dAsch14 @MeridethKimble I highly recommend the Baby Tree for explaining where babies come from! It was soooo age appropriate for the 3-5ish age range, plus had language in the back for how to discuss with older children or children who want more detail. Basically a kid finds out his parents are having a baby, and he asks a bunch of different people where babies come from. One person says they grow from a seed (and he pictures a baby tree), another person says an egg (and he pictures a birds nest), another person says the hospital (he imagines a baby store), and so on. Then at the end, his mom and dad explain that the daddy provides a seed and the mommy provides an egg, and the baby grows inside the mommy until it's time to be born, then most of the time the mommy goes to the hospital to have the baby. Plus the book was just really freaking cute with illustrations and everything.

dAsch14 · February 2019

Thanks for the recommendation @professormama that book looks cute! It sort of reminds me of the gardening conversation from the movie Now and Then.... might I end up with a boy obsessed with gardening? Could be worse!

Image result for now and then movie quotes

katlarissa · February 2019

Like many previous posters, we use anatomically correct terms with our boys (3&2) for the most part. We do say wee-wee instead of penis sometimes, but this just kind of happened and wasn’t a deliberate decision. We have already started talking to them very purposefully about who can see/touch their penises, because I have history of abuse in my family. So when we were at the pediatrician recently and he started examining them down there, I took the chance to say “our doctor can check to make sure your penis is healthy because mama is here with you and he is our doctor,” and our pediatrician took me aside and told me he wished everyone would say that type of thing that early to their kids.
My oldest asked me if I peed out of my penis, and I just said “mama has a vagina, not a penis,” and he was like “oh, okay,” and has never mentioned it again. He is curious where the baby will come from, and I just say “when it’s time for her to be born, a special place that mama’s have will open up and she will be born from my tummy.” I do expect to have a more in-depth conversation in a few years, because my mom left me in the dark until I was almost 13, and I assumed the worst about where babies come out.
I think honesty is great. We do have to use words and concepts that match their understanding though.

TheSouffleGirl · February 2019

WRT DD's body, we use anatomically correct language and discuss who can touch where. We answer questions she asks briefly and honestly, but so far she (3.5) hasn't gone much into "why" or "how" on her own. (She did once ask if the doctor would pull the baby out "here" [tummy] and I told her that no, it would come out my vagina. The news didn't seem to strike her as noteworthy at all.)

The one thing I wonder about is whether/when we should introduce language for male parts. So far, she hasn't asked about them on her own (despite having seen a few diaper changes), and, while we're happy to let things come up naturally, we're also Team "The More You Know." Thoughts? Maybe we should just go hang out at a farm for a long weekend or something?

thatbaintforbetty · February 2019

@TheSouffleGirl I’ve been wondering that too regarding male anatomy. DD hasn’t been around any male babies to see diaper changes and for some reason respects a closed bathroom door when DH is inside (but not me,?!?!). So I am kinda lost on how to address that. There is probably a book for that but I’m not sure where to even start in terms of what to look for.

MRDCle · February 2019

We use penis for DSs penis, but I will admit I have trouble remembering to tell him to wash his scrotum or testicles and find myself saying balls. Like @thatbaintforbetty, he does not respect my right to bathroom privacy so I have used vulva when he insists that I have a penis. I've told him that the babies are in my uterus, which is located in my tummy.

wildcosmiclove · February 2019

Highly recommend It's Not The Stork for littles(3-7, I think). My DD is 6, and has been obsessed with the next level book from them called It's So Amazing. She knows pretty much all the correct terms for genitals, and has known them since she was about 2 (with more in depth knowledge as she gets old enough to grasp this stuff). She knows basic details about sex and birth in general. She started asking questions pretty early on & we've always been pretty honest.

Honestly, the younger you start with this the easier it is to build on this conversation and the less awkward it is. Kids can grasp this stuff pretty easily.

eta: I also have a history of sexual abuse, and my family pretty much never discussed sex/anatomy beyond preaching abstinence. I was always so scared and confused about sex, and puberty was positively terrifying. It has made me super passionate about giving my kids honest, age appropriate sex ed from as early as possible. Knowledge is power!

sister_c · February 2019

I'm on the same page with folks here in that I try to be honest and age-appropriate with my son. In my experience as a psychologist there is always a way to do both with kids. Also I find that often your attitude towards what you're talking about/your child's questions matters more than the actual words you choose. Kids (even babies) are very attuned to the emotions that their parents are experiencing, but they're not great at accurately inferring why we might be experiencing those emotions.

Anyway, what this looks like in my particular family with my 2.75-year-old son is that we are warm and matter-of-fact when he asked questions about bodies and babies. We use correct terms, but I will say that we don't always correct his mispronunciations because we think they're cute. So he calls his penis his "peanuts" and his fingers his " fin-gins." I say the baby is in my belly (aka abdomen), in a special place called my womb. When we're talking about how baby will come out of me, I use the term birth canal. Baby is a girl so I'm sure he will ask more questions about her anatomy and the term vulva will come up when he sees her diaper is being changed.

@katlarissa I love the language you used with your son at the pediatricians office. Bravo.

saucentoss · February 2019

@wildcosmiclove My MiL bought "It's Not the Stork" for DS while we were out of town. I agree that it's a pretty good book. DS is 6.5 so he has lots and lots of questions. He now insists on saying my uterus is getting bigger instead of calling it a tummy. I was worried about him talking to kids on the playground and upsetting their parents so we had a discussion about the fact that private parts are private. We don't ask to see other people's and we don't talk about them. I'm hoping that works.

eli_belle · February 2019

We have used anatomical terms for private parts since the very beginning, even before they could talk. DD (now 6yo) knows that she has a vulva and she has three openings one for pee in the front, one for poop in the back, and one in the middle where babies come out called the vagina which is connected to the uterus.

We are pretty nonchalant about our bodies at home and she sees her dad and brother regularly. She knows they have penises and testicles. She also knows that mama has a period and we talk about how every month the uterus gets ready to take care of a baby and if there is no baby there all the extra blood comes out and it starts all over the next month.

Our philosophy is casual honesty. We use real words and answer questions and curiosity as it comes up. We have had top level conversations about how babies are made by combining a seed called a sperm from daddy’s body with an egg from mama’s body. She didn’t express interest in the mechanics so we left it at that.

I have found the best time to consistently use anatomical language is at bath time, but I describe all body parts the same way with the same level of interest. “Now that we are done scrubbing your chest, arms, and stomach it’s time to wash your vulva. Would you like me to do it or would you like to do it yourself?” NBD.

We have talked in depth about how our underwear covers our private areas and these areas are just for you. No one else. Mama and daddy are here to help keep you clean and make sure you are healthy. Doctors are helpers who keep us healthy and need to check every part of our bodies including our private areas. We don’t show off our private areas when we are outside of our house, and need to wear clothes that keep our underwear covered.

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