Dear SO, I love you sooo much but here's the thing. I know you're tired after work, so am I! But there are certain things I need your help with around the house because I can't lift anything (yay high risk pregnancy). So I'm not nagging or being a bitch when I ask you to help me get they boys' room assembled. I literally cannot do it myself, or I would, trust me. If I didn't have any restrictions, I'd have the new bed assembled and done already instead of it sitting in pieces in our hallway for the last week. JUST. HELP. ME. DAMMIT.
Oh that must be so frustrating @keighty80! Is there a day you both have off that you could work on it together? And by together I mean you hand him the tools, nuts and bolts?
My MBF is I’ve only been back at work for one week after having 7 weeks off and I am already ready to throw in the towel. The guy that I’ve been trying to train for the last 6 months refuses to listen to me and keeps going off behind my back and doing things I specifically ask him not to. He’s caused so much confusion I have multiple people coming to me complaining about him and all I can do is ask him to stop interfering but he won’t. Today my boss asked him where he’s at with a particular deliverable he’s been working on for the last 4 months with nothing to show for and he literally replied “it’s not my priority right now, I’m focusing on the process” and my boss was literally speechless. For context, we are process engineers in a large processing plant. The deliverable is a breakdown history for a particular part of the plant with a top ten things we need to fix, how we’re going to fix them, the cost involved and the payback. My boss has to present it to the business on Thursday and if we don’t have it we risk not getting any money to fix our problems and having our section of the plant shut down because it’s currently running at a loss. I found out today about a few things he’s done whilst I’ve been away and I almost cried in frustration.
@keighty80 does he think it’s your responsibility or is he just lazy? I would be creating to do lists and assigning tasks to alleviate all on your plate!
@journey721 he's just "tired" so I feel like I have to nag him to do it. I am in like early nesting mode and I just want to get it all set up since they'll be sharing a room and it's very difficult to get help without him complaining. Ugh.
@keighty80 ugh I hate that there are just some things we can't/shouldn't do. I'm very independent, have been known to try to put things together before DH gets home b/c I'm handier than he is but he *thinks* he's handy (he just gets frustrated too easily - his dad is handy enough but DH missed some of those genes but doesn't think he did). When I was pregnant with DD, I wanted things done in case I went into labor early and DH didn't feel the same sense of urgency so it was really hard. Luckily, he knew I couldn't do it myself, he just didn't want to do it when I did. He's super proactive with all things financial but cleaning/laundry/projects he has to "mentally prepare" or something and tends to procrastinate IMO. Not that I don't...but there's a difference between putting together a dresser/changing table so the clothes can get stored and hanging up clean clothes in the closet.
Today, I reviewed a patient's medical record where she literally stated she's tired because her husband is a baby and is always asking her to get stuff for him from around the house. 🤣🤣 Aren't they all like that??
My MBF is that for whatever reason I was not able to go back to sleep last night after I got up to pee. I wasted three hours. Im so sleepy right now. And on top of it, my manager just asked us all to stay late to work on a poorly defined project. Of all days, today. Im going to need more food to get me through.
I'm so frustrated. At 23w1d, I have only gained 8-10 pounds which I am THRILLED about because I was already overweight (about 30 pounds) before pregnancy. My doctor says it's great and I have no issues with blood pressure/sugar or anything else. My fiance on the other hand, is always concerned about my weight as if he can already predict I will have a hard time getting the weight off after baby is born. I'll admit, I havent really exercised cause I had the entire first trimester with nausea all day/night and in 2nd trimester, anything over 10-15 min and I get tired. I am in the process of moving, so boxing up stuff is considered a workout for me.
I feel like he has unrealistic expectations about my body and how quickly I should be able to snap back into the gym after baby is born. Of course I want to lose more weight than what I started off with pre-pregnancy, but the fact he has to keep talking about it annoys the hell out of me.
Trust me, he is not perfect (has a little belly) but the rest of him is pretty in shape. Me on the other hand, have always carried weight in my midsection and thighs but I have always been proportionate (not like I'm a candidate for my "600 pound life"). Hell, I'm a professional plus size model, rockin a size 14 and in spanx, I'm happy with my body (pre-pregnancy) but he's making me feel like crap lately.
I've told him about it but he thinks he's doing no wrong and he thinks his "talks" will help me in the end (as if I cant think for myself on what I look like now or what I need to do to drop the weight). I am at my wits end and it doesn't help (well, maybe sometimes it does) that he works 2,000 miles away and I only see him a week or two out of the month, so having to move practically on my own and then dealing with hormones and his crap on top of a long distance thing is making me nuts.
I'm worried cause we've gotten into arguments where I've raised my voice and yelled at him out of frustration, then break down crying and I HATE that stress possibly affecting my baby.
I guess I just need some advice from anyone who has dealt with this from their SO, cause if mine doesn't stop, I'm worried I may have to call it quits cause I can't take it much longer.
@mamajojo1981 don't be sorry! I hate that you're going through that. DH and I were distance for a few years before we got engaged and it was HARD. I'm sure having a pregnancy in the mix compounds that. I haven't been there, myself, but DH is a bit overweight. He's 6'1" and about 225-230 lbs which technically puts him in the obese category although few people would look at him and think he's more than 20-30lbs overweight (like you mentioned). He's actually pretty sensitive about it although not the type to be a gym rat so he's not doing too much to fix it. DD wasn't cooperating to get weighed at her last appointment so they had to have him stand on the scale with her, then by himself to back into her weight (I wasn't allowed to hold her due to pregnancy complications) and he made a self-deprecating comment about how her wubanub (paci with a stuffed animal attached) must be heavy but I knew he was uncomfortable getting weighed. That being said, I've always been very careful with how I encourage him to eat better and work out so that it doesn't come across poorly. He's fighting a lot with his genetics and in much better shape than the rest of his family. I try to encourage healthy choices but we both have our vices.
If you've tried to bring it up to him and it always ends up devolving (I can imagine the frustration), perhaps suggesting therapy might be a good idea. I wouldn't use it as an empty threat and it probably would do a lot of good to have a neutral 3rd party able to help, but the mention of it might make him realize how seriously this bothers you. Postpartum hormones are no joke so dealing with that while having him make any comments is a recipe for disaster IMO, so I'd suggest trying to get to the bottom of it one way or another ASAP. It also sounds like it's creating a cycle of stress for you where you're then worried about the stress on the baby which is further stressing you out.
@journey721 it’s actually almost impossible to fire someone in Australia once they’re off their probation. You essentially have to prove that they’re being malicious in order to do it or you have to make the role redundant. A lot of the time people that are terrible at their jobs get promoted up in order to try and force them to fail, which is really frustrating for the rest of us who have to deal with terrible managers! Our team is also really under staffed so him doing 20% of his job is better than him not doing anything at all. At the start of last year it was literally just me and one other guy doing everything and now we have 5 new people to help us but they complain their workload is too high? It’s really frustrating, especially as our role is so dynamic and you just have to kind of pick and choose what is important and prioritise your jobs on the day. We are support engineers for the stuff that is online so if half the plant is offline then you don’t need to be involved – unless of course it is a process related issue that took it off, which it rarely is. Now that I’m back at work I’ve been tasked with reining him in a little bit, which he’s not overly impressed with. I ended up sending him an email last night telling him everything that I had been asked to work on so he would stop doing it (I worded it much more nicely than that haha).
How are you feeling @expandcontract ? Hopefully you made it through the day without falling asleep!
Oh @mamajojo1981 I’m so sorry you’re going through that! I agree with @kvh22 about suggesting couple’s counselling. When I first got pregnant my partner was working 2hrs away so I would see him maybe one night a week and majority of them were with his step son so I felt like we weren’t connecting at all. We were having a lot of issues at the time surrounding his ex, her child and how our new child would fit into that life, and he literally thought he was handling it all perfectly fine, even though every decision he made was making me feel like shit because he never talked to me about it before and would get defensive if I asked any questions. I actually had it in my mind to break up with him and I completely shut him out. He kept just saying “it’s the hormones talking” any time I would argue with him or ask him to leave me alone (he is also very, very touchy feely, heavy on the emotional support requirement, etc.) and that would make me even more angry. At one point he accused me of cheating because I was asking him to tell me what he’d been talking to his ex about? Anyway, I forced him to go to a counsellor and he realised that perhaps he was in the wrong and it opened up his communication with me a lot and we’re in a much, much better place. Lately, though, he keeps telling me I need to oil my belly so I don't get stretch marks, which I'm getting pretty annoyed about because there's literally nothing you can do about getting them. I know it’s a very different scenario to yours but please know you're not alone in the issues you're facing and we're here to support you!
@mamajojo1981 wow that is very frustrating. If my H constantly brought up my weight (I've gained about 20 pounds and I'm 24w) I would be upset and hurt. Especially, since you've tried to ask him to stop but he thinks he's helping you and continues to bring it up. Even though he's your SO, you know your body better then anyone else and like @kvh22 said, talking with an unbiased third person may be a great option so your SO realizes that too. I was reading an article about maternity leave in the US today (I'm in Canada) and they said "please show me one man who endures the same amount of physical and hormonal change and then returns to work in the next couple of weeks...wolverine from X-Men doesn't count". Definitely not making excuses for him but maybe he is just oblivious to the amount of change your body is going through right now and doesn't realize you won't be able to hit the gym the week after giving birth. Sounds like he needs a reality check.
@kaitcrystalline@mamajojo1981 I was wondering if the distance aspect may be playing a large role, too. Just as @kaitcrystalline said, without him here seeing what you're going through, maybe he's not appreciating all the hard work you're doing! I totally get how much constant sniping comments like that can really mess with your psyche, and gaining only 8-10 pounds at this point sounds like you're doing really great! In the end, the most important thing is that you're staying healthy and your doctor is ok with where you are at. I think couples counseling sounds like a good option. You may also find that moving closer may help a lot, too. Good luck, and know you're and great!
I'm a little late but my BF is that on my long commute home someone shot over into my lane as I passed an exit and I rear-ended them. I was mid adjustment (thanks hip and back pain) and couldn't recover. Luckily, only my chest hit the steering wheel (no airbag deployment). I was very luckily with no breathing issues or even much pain. No abdominal issues at all. The other driver was fine as well. While waiting at the scene for the police, I spoke to the on-call OB doctor who was really helpful because I wanted to rush to the ER despite feeling fine. She reassured me that there is nothing they could do for baby that night that they can't check first thing in the am, especially since I was feeling movement, had no pain or bleeding. She said that at 21 weeks, there is low risk for injury to the baby, especially when he wasn't hit at all. She offered to see me at the office for a doppler and U/S at 8am and told me to rest and drink lots of fluids. I am awake right now due to the baby kicking me and I am taking today off work to rest in case, but feeling perfectly normal and very lucky!
@mamajojo1981 I am so so sorry you're going through that. I have always felt that pregnancy is really not the time to worry about your weight. Healthy eating, yes! The number on the scale, no. Your body is going to change. And yes, if he expects that you're going to snap back to your pre-baby body, he's got some really unrealistic expectations. Your doctor will discourage you from working out again until about 6 weeks after baby is born, so there's no way you can get back to the gym right away anyway.
I guess I don't really have much advice. But I feel for you and I really think your SO needs to shut up about it. When you're ready to get back to the gym and focus on your health, you need to do it for YOU, not for him. His deprecating comments are far from helpful.
DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe DD2: October 2016 DC3: coming May 2019
@cwell2016 Im so sorry! People really need to calm the eff down on the roadways!! ***TWJust last week I saw a fatal crash on the highway where an SUV hit a person standing outside his broke down car. It really left me shaken! END TW**** Im so glad you and baby are okay. Usually with crashes you don't feel the pain until the next day due to adrenalin rush. How are you feeling today? Did the other driver get a citation?
Thanks everyone! The baby is doing great, good heartbeat and movement on the ultrasound. I'm feeling pretty good today, just some collarbone pain, but no breaks. Tylenol took care of that! I just filed my claim and there were no witnesses, so he didn't get a citation and we were both at fault according to our insurance companies.
@k2k2tog@knarlytaurus@kaitcrystalline@wiseh@kvh22 Thank you ladies for responding and being so supportive. I had to take a break the site for a bit but now I'm back. I appreciate the kind words and advise. Yes, counseling is definitely needed and I know he needs to work on himself and his own issues that he's had even before he met me. The distance does play a factor for sure and I really do feel he has NO CLUE what my day to day is like cause he only gets a snippet of it every now and then due to the 2,000 mile distance. There's days where he's better than others. He hasnt mentioned the weight thing ever since but I still don't think he understands how easily tired I get and how the little I do exhausts me. Not going to lie, it's made me emotionally distance myself from him and maybe the crazy hormones assist with that. I still hope that everything will work out but I feel like my brain is trying to prepare itself in case it doesn't. Luckily the doctor said at yesterday's appt that baby is doing just fine but I still worry about what all my stress is doing to her. I just have to leave it up to God and hope all will be ok with her mentally & emotionally. Thank you ladies.
@mamajojo1981 I hope you and your partner can work things out. Will you get some time together before baby is born? Is it possible to try and organise one of your prenatal classes (a birthing, breastfeeding, physio, etc.) for a time that he’s able to come to?
On another note, in a previous MBF I mentioned the struggles I had with my partner’s step son and I greatly offended some of the ladies on here. I just wanted to update that I was absent from this board and didn’t reply to any of the comments about it because I was so ashamed with myself and how I had been acting, so I took some time to really focus on building the relationship with him. Times at our house have been much less stressful than previous and everyone has been much happier. We’re loving spending time with him and I’m looking forward to every visit now.
We are still going ahead with our move across the country as I will need some kind of support system with my partner working 4 weeks away at a time. We will be leaving in 8 or so weeks, so today my partner told his ex about our intent to move. He told her that we very much want to still be in her son’s life and that I have spent a significant amount of time matching up all of my partner’s rosters with school holidays and long weekends. I’ve worked out how to fly minors across the country and how he can get to the airport as she doesn’t have a car. He even offered to pay for all of it. She didn’t take the news well and told us that we won’t be seeing him anymore and that if we don’t give her money (in the order of several thousand) she will report him to immigration, which will give him 28 days to either lodge a new visa application or leave the country. We have spent our whole relationship preparing for her to make this threat and have been working furiously to submit a new visa application, which we will finally be doing in the next couple of weeks. Our lawyer has also reassured us that him overstaying his previous visa is not an issue due to the pregnancy, so her threat doesn’t concern us but it does show to both of us the kind of person she is.
We are both devastated by the outcome of our decision to move and we’re hoping that she changes her mind about visitation once she’s had a bit of time to think it over. We are supposed to have him on the 8th of Feb for the weekend, so only time will tell what she decides to do.
@wiseh yes, he'll be home for the last 2-4 weeks before the baby is born (depending on how I feel) and then will stay at least 4 weeks after she's born. I've registered for all the classes specifically at times where he will be back in town, so at least we'll both be together for those.
I'm so sorry about what you are going though - I can't believe his ex is making it so difficult for you all, but I'm glad you were able to see her true colors so there's nothing to question there. Hoping that your move goes smoothly and that the legal issues don't get too ugly.
Re: MBF 1/14
My MBF is I’ve only been back at work for one week after having 7 weeks off and I am already ready to throw in the towel. The guy that I’ve been trying to train for the last 6 months refuses to listen to me and keeps going off behind my back and doing things I specifically ask him not to. He’s caused so much confusion I have multiple people coming to me complaining about him and all I can do is ask him to stop interfering but he won’t. Today my boss asked him where he’s at with a particular deliverable he’s been working on for the last 4 months with nothing to show for and he literally replied “it’s not my priority right now, I’m focusing on the process” and my boss was literally speechless. For context, we are process engineers in a large processing plant. The deliverable is a breakdown history for a particular part of the plant with a top ten things we need to fix, how we’re going to fix them, the cost involved and the payback. My boss has to present it to the business on Thursday and if we don’t have it we risk not getting any money to fix our problems and having our section of the plant shut down because it’s currently running at a loss. I found out today about a few things he’s done whilst I’ve been away and I almost cried in frustration.
Aren't they all like that??
My MBF is that for whatever reason I was not able to go back to sleep last night after I got up to pee. I wasted three hours. Im so sleepy right now. And on top of it, my manager just asked us all to stay late to work on a poorly defined project. Of all days, today. Im going to need more food to get me through.
If you've tried to bring it up to him and it always ends up devolving (I can imagine the frustration), perhaps suggesting therapy might be a good idea. I wouldn't use it as an empty threat and it probably would do a lot of good to have a neutral 3rd party able to help, but the mention of it might make him realize how seriously this bothers you. Postpartum hormones are no joke so dealing with that while having him make any comments is a recipe for disaster IMO, so I'd suggest trying to get to the bottom of it one way or another ASAP. It also sounds like it's creating a cycle of stress for you where you're then worried about the stress on the baby which is further stressing you out.
Oh @mamajojo1981 I’m so sorry you’re going through that! I agree with @kvh22 about suggesting couple’s counselling. When I first got pregnant my partner was working 2hrs away so I would see him maybe one night a week and majority of them were with his step son so I felt like we weren’t connecting at all. We were having a lot of issues at the time surrounding his ex, her child and how our new child would fit into that life, and he literally thought he was handling it all perfectly fine, even though every decision he made was making me feel like shit because he never talked to me about it before and would get defensive if I asked any questions. I actually had it in my mind to break up with him and I completely shut him out. He kept just saying “it’s the hormones talking” any time I would argue with him or ask him to leave me alone (he is also very, very touchy feely, heavy on the emotional support requirement, etc.) and that would make me even more angry. At one point he accused me of cheating because I was asking him to tell me what he’d been talking to his ex about? Anyway, I forced him to go to a counsellor and he realised that perhaps he was in the wrong and it opened up his communication with me a lot and we’re in a much, much better place. Lately, though, he keeps telling me I need to oil my belly so I don't get stretch marks, which I'm getting pretty annoyed about because there's literally nothing you can do about getting them. I know it’s a very different scenario to yours but please know you're not alone in the issues you're facing and we're here to support you!
@mamajojo1981 I am so so sorry you're going through that. I have always felt that pregnancy is really not the time to worry about your weight. Healthy eating, yes! The number on the scale, no. Your body is going to change. And yes, if he expects that you're going to snap back to your pre-baby body, he's got some really unrealistic expectations. Your doctor will discourage you from working out again until about 6 weeks after baby is born, so there's no way you can get back to the gym right away anyway.
I guess I don't really have much advice. But I feel for you and I really think your SO needs to shut up about it. When you're ready to get back to the gym and focus on your health, you need to do it for YOU, not for him. His deprecating comments are far from helpful.
DD1: June 2014 - VBM4lyfe
DD2: October 2016
DC3: coming May 2019
Im so glad you and baby are okay. Usually with crashes you don't feel the pain until the next day due to adrenalin rush. How are you feeling today? Did the other driver get a citation?
On another note, in a previous MBF I mentioned the struggles I had with my partner’s step son and I greatly offended some of the ladies on here. I just wanted to update that I was absent from this board and didn’t reply to any of the comments about it because I was so ashamed with myself and how I had been acting, so I took some time to really focus on building the relationship with him. Times at our house have been much less stressful than previous and everyone has been much happier. We’re loving spending time with him and I’m looking forward to every visit now.
We are still going ahead with our move across the country as I will need some kind of support system with my partner working 4 weeks away at a time. We will be leaving in 8 or so weeks, so today my partner told his ex about our intent to move. He told her that we very much want to still be in her son’s life and that I have spent a significant amount of time matching up all of my partner’s rosters with school holidays and long weekends. I’ve worked out how to fly minors across the country and how he can get to the airport as she doesn’t have a car. He even offered to pay for all of it. She didn’t take the news well and told us that we won’t be seeing him anymore and that if we don’t give her money (in the order of several thousand) she will report him to immigration, which will give him 28 days to either lodge a new visa application or leave the country. We have spent our whole relationship preparing for her to make this threat and have been working furiously to submit a new visa application, which we will finally be doing in the next couple of weeks. Our lawyer has also reassured us that him overstaying his previous visa is not an issue due to the pregnancy, so her threat doesn’t concern us but it does show to both of us the kind of person she is.
We are both devastated by the outcome of our decision to move and we’re hoping that she changes her mind about visitation once she’s had a bit of time to think it over. We are supposed to have him on the 8th of Feb for the weekend, so only time will tell what she decides to do.
I'm so sorry about what you are going though - I can't believe his ex is making it so difficult for you all, but I'm glad you were able to see her true colors so there's nothing to question there. Hoping that your move goes smoothly and that the legal issues don't get too ugly.