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April 2019 Moms
s_montgomery
member
STM+: How did your life change with your first?
s_montgomery
member
FTM here: DH and I have been talking about how our lives and marriage are likely to change once DD is born. I want to hear others' experiences.
What changes did you see coming and which did you not see coming?
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
Please share anything else related to this topic I haven't thought of!
What changes did you see coming and which did you not see coming?
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
Please share anything else related to this topic I haven't thought of!
Re: STM+: How did your life change with your first?
I was also so thankful for DH's background as a nurse because it made me feel way less self-conscious about post-partum care, and he really stepped up to the caretaker role which honestly made me fall in love with him even more also.
I didn't expect to be so resentful of DH during MOTN feedings and wakeups, but since I didn't pump at first and breastfed, all of that was on me and he would sleep through most of it. Definitely have a plan to share MOTN responsibilities if you can!
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? Yes, but it wasn't that bad. DH was born to be a dad.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? It was easier than I expected for us to flip into our new roles. We still did a pretty good job being a couple, which is probably dependent on the relationship, but we still made time to be with each other, which was great. Harder for me was breastfeeding. I had NO CLUE how many issues can arise and the stress it put on me was immense.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.? Once DS started sleeping better, things felt better. I didn't get really good about self care till he was about a year old, but I think that was more a me thing and DH's work schedule thing. But once you can start getting solid sleep again - that's huge.
I wasn’t expecting the Post Pardum Anxiety. Luckily I had me mom staying with us because DH was working 90 hour weeks. But the panic attacks were really bad the first couple of months
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
I did. DH took longer because he had three months of long working hours so he didn’t completely bond and figure out his “dad role” until after that. I will say we struggled more with this when baby #2 came. DH has also struggled with family time vs work time vs free time. He’s an avid hunter so it has been difficult for him to give up some of his hunting weekends. We try to schedule it out before hunting season starts to avoid fights.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
I over prepare and over research everything and I always prepare for the worse(a side effect of my anxiety). So basically everything was easier than I expected. It is hard for me to find “me time” but I’ve gotten better about it
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
Its hard to say because as soon as you think you have a routine figured out something changes. Whether it’s teething, nap changes, sleep regression, growth spurt, etc... My best advice is to always be adaptable then changes won’t stress you out. For example we always brought our kids eveywhere. SIL wouldnt leave the house if it’s nap time. My kids will nap in church, cars, birthday party, pretty much anywhere if they’re tired. DS slept thru his flu shot this year. My nephew, however, will only nap at home.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? Yes but I think most couples do. DH is a fantastic dad and he jumped in with both feet whereas it took a bit for me to deal with all the changes. We are still a really strong couple and I mainly attest that to open communication. We try to make time for ourselves outside the mom and dad role as well.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? I mentioned above about the baby blues, that was the hardest thing to deal with and was unexpected. The easiest thing was how quickly I picked up on baby cues and what she needed, it was like biology took over, you learn to know your baby and what works for calming them down, etc. The hardest thing was trying to take deep breathes myself and take the time when I was getting to stressed, especially those days/nights when she wasn't feeling well and would cry for endless hours without being able to be calmed down due to teething or gas.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.? I think it's a constant revolving door. Each stage takes a new adjustment that you just have to figure out between yourselves and decide what works for you. I'm curious to see how number 2 changes the dynamic of the household because we are just starting to figure out the best way to deal with the tantrum stages with our 2yo and that took a few months.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? DH is a terrific dad. I'd like to think I'm a good mom. I don't have a lot of patience (I like to say that patience is a virtue I don't have time for) so that is something I continue to work on even now, on a daily basis.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? Easier than expected was caring for DD. Things really do come naturally and you just figure out what to do. For instance, DD LOVED to be swaddled and preferred to sleep like that (until she couldn't). Just small things like that, you really do learn your kid inside/out. I think the hardest thing, even today, is trying to get things done around the house when you have a tiny human who also needs help.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.? To settle into parenthood wasn't a hard transition for us. We finally got back in the groove of having regular-ish date nights. This time around, I plan on starting to work out as soon as I am cleared, I will feel better about myself and hopefully have more energy for my family. I will say though, never get settled, something always crops up and you are going to have to constantly make changes.
Like everyone else I knew that I would have sleepless nights - especially with twins - but oh my god. Because the girls were so small when they finally came home we still had to do feedings every 3 hours and H isn't great at lack of sleep. He tried to help with MOTN feeds but just couldn't and he saw him getting up to go to work as more of a priority when I got to stay home with the kids. I had a couple major meltdowns when I had to call him down at 3am because both babies were crying and so was I - like hysterically crying. Schedules are tough, I saw some online and it just didn't work for us. Every method isn't going to work for every family.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
H more so than I, I think. I love kids and am all over my nieces and nephews and used to babysit all the time. H was learning everything for the first time. That caused some issues at times because I tend to take over because I just know it and it's easier but he wants to learn, so I should have taken more time and patience to show him. He's great playing with them now that they're older and have little minds of their own, I think it was tough for him to bond with them when they were so small and just laid there all day.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
Doctors, nurses and some moms told me how calm I was for a FTM, with twins no less. I'm not sure if it was because we had already been through so much in their short little lives or because I do have a fair bit of medical knowledge but I don't seem to stress over too much. They're happy, they eat, they are breathing...that's a good day!
I found it difficult to include H as mentioned above and to really keep our relationship priority. I get so obsessed with the kids that I tend to ignore him a bit.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
It's always changing and you're always adapting. As soon as you've tackled something a new stage appears. I felt confident as a mom early on. Our relationship took work (and a few counselling sessions around the year old mark) and still does.
Please share anything else related to this topic I haven't thought of!
My mantra through motherhood is "This too shall pass". Happy and sad. They will eventually sleep through the night, the will eventually potty train. But in the same way they will eventually not need you as much. Enjoy every second because it goes by so damn fast.
The days are long but the years are short.
H: 36
L & N twin girls: 3yo. Born at 30 weeks. 2 month NICU stay
BFP Aug 2018: EDD April 2019
I was transitioning to being a SAHM which was a big adjustment for both of us because it put all the financial burden on him. PPA hit me really hard; and I had a hard time bonding with DS because my birth didn't go as planned. I was resentful towards DH because there wasn't a lot he could do in the early days and he felt like the time he took off work to "help" was vacation and I had to constantly prompt him to do things around the house. Taking care of me and DS wasn't the issue.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
It took about 2 months. I had to start letting him do more...like bath and bedtime. He started to figure stuff out but still relied on me a lot.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
Finding time for us was harder. DH is a homebody and my PPA made date nights hard because I didn't want to leave DS.
Being parents was easy. Took more learning for him but neither of us was nervous or scared to being home baby.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
A good 6 months. PPA was hard for me. I didn't trust anyone to take care of DS.
Things actually got worse after DS turned 1 and we found out we were expecting. DH didn't want to do anything which I was then comfortable leaving DS. We're still trying to find balance in work/home/life.
Married: 6/2016
TTC:6/2016
BFP: 11/22/2016 | EDD: 7/29/2017
I also knew I’d be sleep deprived, but the extent of it, especially since DD did not sleep without being held for the first six months, was intense. Also, all the digestive issues with hormones and postpartum. I had to start a daily probiotic to stop from having diarrhea literally every day. Who knew.
2. Our relationship is definitely different. He’s a pretty good dad but I’ve really struggled with our marriage lately, and actually earlier on in this pregnancy had a huge fight with him where I insisted he shape up or we go to counseling. Mainly he would just leave everything to me—all the mental burden, all the child care, and would only help if I asked, even on many days coming home from work and ignoring DD and I to veg around. I get that working outside the home is hard. But I need a freaking break too. He’s started getting better but I think we may need counseling still. It doesn’t help that I was raised with an extremely involved dad, and he was raised with one who never changed a diaper. But I told him my expectations in that area before we were married, and again before DD was born. I think our massive fight got it across to him that I expect us to be a team, and I shouldn’t have to ask for basic things like changing a diaper if I’m busy washing dishes. I won’t lie, it’s been hard on us, and I would have said we had a strong marriage before DD. I would definitely try to fit in more date nights, if you can at all. We didn’t have a lot of babysitter options before SIL moved across the country to our city, because DH is too stingy to pay one, and to be fair, DD was EBF and didn’t take bottles well. I think it will be a wake up call for DH on paternity leave when I leave him in charge of everything for DD so I can focus on this one.
Also, as soon as DD was eating solids, I implemented a weekly moms night out. Just for me to go out, get coffee, read, wander target. Etc. And DH has been good about not complaining.
3. Easier: I don’t think anything was easier. Except maybe being confident in my parenting decisions regardless of what others thought. Harder: everything. DD was an especially hard baby. Didn’t gain weight well, wouldn’t let me put her down even to go to the bathroom. For months. I was so sleep deprived, so exhausted, so touched out. She hated carriers, strollers, tummy time, bouncers, and the only thing that finally worked was a swing. I also tore so badly that I needed 12 weeks of physical therapy and ten months to heal enough to have sex again. I think when DD was around a year old things got easier. She finally started sleeping. She’s still a clinger but I can at least take a shower and do chores now. And she is an advanced talker so her ability to communicate has made things easier for us too. But we will see how things go as she reaches the terrible twos just in time for this one to be born.
4. I kind of answered this a little. A year for things to be easier and for me to feel normal. But I was able to accept that exhaustion and sleep deprivation and not meeting my own expectations WAS my new normal, much earlier. If that makes sense.
I'm great with kids, go to babysitter for a lot of people I know. Unfortunately that didn’t seamlessly translate over to my own kid. Every baby is different and my own was even more so. DH has a daughter from a previous relationship so he had been through a lot of it before. So it was mainly just learning who she was and what her cues were.
Also that sleeplessness is no joke. DH is a very heavy sleeper and he had issues waking up MOTN when she did. I did most of it even though I wasn’t BF and it was rough. He would go till midnight or so while I got a couple hours sleep and I’d do anything after that. I expected her to STTN much early then it actually happened, but I chalk that up to FTM newbness.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)?
Yes, but it more life as more exhausted then ever before. I went back to work at 6 weeks and will do that again probably but if you can take more time do it because it sucks. It’s not enough to fully heal and hit your groove.
It it was a blessing that DH was not new to parenting and I’ve had lots of practice. We were ahead of the curve in some ways but somethings you just have to deal with as they come.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
The sleeping was the hardest. DH is a natural night owl and likes to sleep during the day, which doesn’t work with a baby and me holding down a 9-5. Honestly most of our issues were because of sleep. Making him be awake with her all day was rough for him, thankfully he’s much much better about his sleep habits these days.
BF was a battle I didn’t win. And that was hard to deal with emotionally but not physically which I didn’t expect.
Seeing myself as a mother and adapting my world view was easier then I thought.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
I don’t think we ever really settled. We’ve had a lot changes to our lives over the last 4+ years and we’ve really gotten good at rolling with the punches. @mermaidca is right in that “this too shall pass” is a great parenting motto. For good and for bad, teething passes, sleep regression passes, but so do the many firsts.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
@thatbaintforbetty I was fooled by thinking they would sleep too. Now I know not to expect him to sleep. DH is much better about getting up MOTN and can function on a lot less sleep than I can. But I've also grown and adjusted since we had DD (I thought her waking up at 7 as a NB was early...was not thrilled when 5:30 was her wake up time for over a year, but now that we wake up at 6, I'm just used to it) so I'm hoping I can figure this guy out quicker.
prevously helloblueeyes
Me:32 DH:33 Married:04/2012 DD:07/2014
BFP 8/14/2018 #2 due 4/18/2019
My phone cut off the last bit of my post, but I wanted to add that for us personally, becoming parents really strengthened our relationship. We had only been dating 7 months (but were both very commited to longterm) when I found out I was pregnant, and going through all of that together definitely wasn't easy by any stretch, but it made us better and stronger as a couple. It kind of made me feel like, hey, if we can handle this so early on and still be madly in love, we can do anything.
And my favorite memory of being in the hospital with DS was definitely seeing how emotional DH got around him. This little bean had been real to me since the first pregnancy test, but it didn't really hit DH until he held him for the first time.
Not trying to sugarcoat it, but wanted to add some positivity since those first few months are so difficult for everyone. Be humble with your expectations, and take it one day at a time.
I knew tongue tie was possible but didn’t expect that either it was a lot of work expressing breast milk and feeding every 2 hours i never slept more than 45min to an hour at a time the first 4wks after my son was born.
I didn’t expect how much my attention shifted to only my child. My poor husband was very neglected by me, but that’s normal. Slowly you find ways to spend more time together again, it’s never the same tho. Not in a bad way we cherish our alone time together much more now and find ways to be together even when our children are around and it seems to multiply the love. Give it time 6-9 months you might need more or less.
Sex - I had scar tissue after an episiotomy and that area was painful for like 9 months postpartum I did perennial massage to help soften and heal the scar. (If you are uncomfortable get help with this! Don’t just be quiet.)
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? I took to motherhood quickly and had good instincts but I also had my mother staying with us for a while and she encouraged and validated me and guided me when I was figuring things out. My MIL gave me hits and tips for changing boy diapers (my fam only had girls previously). My husband did need encouragement that he was holding baby correctly, doing good changing diapers etc and he was nervous at every sigh, peep and cry or cough or sneeze. The more you and SO do the more confident you become. It just takes time.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? Overall taking care of baby was easier than I expected, taking care of myself too was harder. Find someone who can help take care of you: make and bring you food, clean your house, draw you a bath and hold baby while you take 30min to yourself. I remember many times feeling guilty for going poop by myself!!! You deserve the 3-10min it takes to properly go to the bathroom! I promise!
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.? I had some birth trauma the first time so it took 9-12mo for me to start feeling like myself again. I probably would have had PPD if I had had less support. Instead I had some mild postpartum anxiety. Which my family, friends and care providers encourage me to work thru. It was so important.
Even the the most ideal birth is a huge physical event, you will need help and support to effectively recover from it and care for your baby. Plan for it, ask for it, and set it up now!
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? I had a lot of experience around babies whereas DH did not. DH was afraid to hold DS1 at first. He didn’t want to break him. But we are a great team and communication was key. When I was struggling I asked for help and vice verse.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? I don’t think anything was easier than expected, more so what I expected. But learning to breastfeeding (its not as intuitive as you’d think!) and adjusting to lack of sleep was definitely harder as a FTM. I also resented that I was the only one getting up for MOTN feeding. But DH really couldn’t help. The second time around (DS2) breastfeeding was easier but lack of sleep was worse because now I had a 3 year old in addition to a new baby. I was very lucky that both were sleeping through the night by 4 months though.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? Absolutely. To be honest I don't even remember what life was like pre-kids. I literally have no idea what I did with all of my free time. I think I had more hobbies. I also took for granted how easy it was to do simple things like leave the house, go grocery shopping, etc. We knew from the start that DH was going to stay home with the kids so he was right in the thick of it from the very beginning. He had never been around a baby before and I had a lot of baby experience but it was important for him to figure out what needed to be done and do it in a way that made sense to him (even if it wasn't the way I would have done it!). It was important for him to build confidence in being a dad rather than just asking me what to do all the time. Now after 6 years I ask him how I can fit in with his parenting strategies and I rely on him to set up new strategies.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder? I think it was harder to adjust to having absolutely no free time to do what you want. Especially if you breastfeed. You are tethered to this LO in 1.5-2 hour increments. Even running to the store can be difficult. A lot of the things I loved to do to relax and recharge became nearly impossible. And that neglects any time spent with DH. Honestly, in the beginning, we were so desperate to take a break that most of "our" time consisted of each of us doing our own thing, but in the same room. Forget one-on-one time. We did try to find relaxing things to do together, but they were different from what we had done before.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.? Several months just to get the new routine down. Also LO's "routine" is constantly changing in the first year so this is a loose understanding of responsibilities. I think by the time we were ready to TTC for LO#2 (2 years later) we had come to an understanding about our new roles enough that we were ready to go through everything again!
A word of advice for MOTN feedings: do not hesitate to ask for/demand help. You and DH are in this together. Period. Our strategy that helped mitigate some of the resentment is that DH would be the one to get LO in the MOTN, bring them to me to nurse, and then doze while I fed them. Then when we were done I would hand LO off to DH and go right back to sleep. DH would take LO, burp them, change diaper, reswaddle and put them back to sleep. It is true that both of us had interrupted sleep but neither of us was solely impacted or awake as long as if one of us had to do the whole thing by ourselves.
It takes longer to do things. So a trip to the store add 30+min. Especially if breastfeeding. It took longer to heal than I expected.
Did you and your SO have to figure out life in a new role (as mom and dad)? It figured itself out really fine. It happens on impact. You don’t have to work at it.
What was easier than you expected and what was harder?
getting up all night was less hard. Teaching a baby to sleep was hard.
About how long did it take to settle into the changes in your routine, relationship, self, etc.?
well. Dd is 3. Soooooo still settling? I think that’s always changing and we are always adjusting.
Please share anything else related to this topic I haven't thought of
abput 6 m ago we accepted that once a month or longer between date was both common and not acceptable. So we started at home dates where we sit and play a game, chat and or build a lego set and check in with each other with a set of questions. It’s been really valuable
time and not hard to set time aside for. I recommend you don’t forget to date your spouse through the chaos of parenting.