Loss pain

jaquibeth · January 2019

My husband and I only tried for a short time and were thrilled to have a positive pregnancy test after two months. I'm 33 and we've been together for about 9 years, married just over two years.
I had my first ultrasound booked for 12 weeks. Around Christmas I felt like my pregnancy symptoms went away and started to feel more normal. Which made me feel worried.
The day of my ultrasound I called my midwife to ask if she could see me first to see if she could hear a heartbeat with the Doppler but no luck. Went to the ultrasound and they confirmed no heartbeat. Devastated. Left the appointment to go pee and the bleeding started then. It was crazy the timing. Went home knowing that baby only measured 8 weeks and had passed away with such a teeny footprint on the world and we had to say goodbye.
They said if I filled a pad in an hour I was bleeding too much. I took a shower thinking it would help relax me and ended up with blood pouring down my legs and pushing out big clots half the size of a baseball before I went into shock and asked my husband to take me to the hospital emergency room.
My blood pressure had dropped so much it took about 40 minutes to get an IV in for fluids and pain killers. They took me to another room and used a speculum to pull out more "tissue" that they said would help relieve the immense pain if they removed it.
After four hours in the hospital they finally sent me home. They figured I had had a complete miscarriage.
Since, I have been very emotional, hormonal, sad.
I wondwr what they did with the so called tissue they pulled out of me..... That was my little teeny baby... Did they throw him in the garbage? Why does the hospital not have a program where they give you your tiny one in a nice box so you at least have some thing to mourn and bury?
I'm grateful that my husband is incredible and supportive and understanding through our loss with my sobbing nights, hormonal moods, night sweats, antisocial behaviour, and deep sadness...... But I wonder how long will I suffer to feel like this? For one little being who nobody will ever get to meet who only impacted his mother with even existing, how could he make so many feelings for me and his dad just to be taken away at 8 weeks and for me to carry him for another 4 weeks and then go through the trauma in the hospital.. It's totally horrendous and unfair.
They say one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and if that's the case not enough women are talking about it. It is so painful, physical and emotionally draining and devastating. I can't offer support at this point, I can only offer my experience.but I hope it can at least make someone else feel less alone.

Mack2342 · January 2019

I’m sorry for your loss. With my first loss, I should have been 10 wks and measured at 10 wks. Doctor said heart had stopped that morning. So I understand your sense of timing. Everything you are feeling is normal. For me, the more I talked about the more helpful and healing it was for me. This board was very helpful for me as well as the TCAL when you are ready to try again. I hope you have a quick recovery.

radiohd18 · January 2019

@jaquibeth I am so sorry for your loss and experience. I agree that there are so many of us, miscarriage should be talked about more openly. I can only guess that families, especially moms, find it heartbreaking to talk about. I can barely get the words out, I am so sad.

ruby696 · January 2019

@jaquibeth I'm so sorry for your loss. With my first loss, the baby measuring right on track, but there was no longer a heartbeat. So I'm with you (and @Mack2342) on the timing. And you're right, it's not something many women are publicly talking about. Probably because it's so painful. I rarely discuss how my losses have affected me emotionally, even with MH. Like @radiohd18 said, I can barely get the words out. I'm glad YH has been there for you and I hope you find peace as time goes on.

holly321 · January 2019

First, I am sorry for your loss.

i used to not understand why women won’t talk about miscarriage openly, and I would with my first two, because they were too “public” not too. With my first, I was 14 weeks and showing. My second, was a molar pregnancy, which required surgeries, chemo, multiple public hemorrhages, and loss of work, so, i had to explain.

My my most recent loss was a chemical pregnancy. I can’t talk about it. I can’t pinpoint why. It isn’t a secret. Maybe the last two years have been too hard, I am not sure. I think it made me realize that we may not be able to have another child. The thought has entered my mind many times over the last 2 years, but this I think killed the last of my hope, and I can’t say it out loud.
TW ahead
I have always said I want to be the person who is vocal about the stuff people don’t talk about, like miscarriage, suicide (my brother) mental illness (my child) so I feel like I am being a hypocrite.

as to the horrible, overbearing pain you feel right now, it is hard to say when you will feel like yourself. I have always said a missed miscarriage (maybe miscarriage in general, but my first was a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks) kills your innocence. I used to be a different person and it changed me. A week before, my grandmother had died. And honestly, I loved her dearly and we were close, but the miscarriage hit me harder. Maybe it was too much too soon, or maybe it was because your 89 year grandmother is expected to die, not your baby.
next week is 6 years since my first loss, and it still can occasionally bring a tear to my eye.

sorry for the novel, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and it is unfair and I agree, more people need to talk about it.

jaquibeth · February 2019

Thank you all for your comments and sharing. I appreciate it more than I can express. It's been 7 weeks since our loss. Every day gets better, and we are trying again. I still hurt emotionally and miss this little one who never got to experience my love, but the realization that we really, really want to be parents was what we gained from the experience. I was someone's mom. Just for 8 weeks, but still, that is something important. I hope all you ladies out there struggling and going through things like this will find peace and go on to have a healthy babe. Keep supporting each other. xo - Jaquie

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