@blackhottamales What is the dress plan? Are you picking or are they? My thought process is that most bridesmaid dresses are similar to wedding dresses where they are ordered a size that fits the largest part of your body and then taken in closer to the wedding. It's possible you could order now and then have it tailored a month or two out.
@blackhottamales I was a maid of honor 3 months after giving birth and a bridesmaid 6 months after. Those are the only two weddings I have ever been in other than my own - such unlucky timing!!
For the one 3 months after, the bride ordered her dresses from an Etsy store and asked them the best way to handle it. They were absolutely wonderful. They suggested everyone do back lace ups and I provide my pregnant measurements as they assumed the boobs wouldn’t shrink that much. It worked great - it was a bit big but just the last up looked tighter that the other girls so not a problem at all.
For the 6 month one, the bride was my sister and she ordered dresses from a normal place, same style for everyone. It was a halter and a-line so not too bad for post pregnancy body. I did order a size up from pre-pregnancy knowing it’s easier to make smaller than bigger! Glad I did it for the boobs (note usual size 8-10 in dresses, ordered a 12 and needed the boob room).
@mamanbebe We are still deciding where the dresses will come from--they'll all come from the same place and all in the same color & fabric but can be different style. She wants long dresses so i think i can find something that is super flowy --i am most worried about my boobs. I have small B cups (some might measure A, but they are B!) and who knows what will happen, they haven't changed size yet...
You both make great points that maybe i go up a size than i am now and then have it altered once we get closer to the wedding.
@blackhottamales I would account for both going up a cup size and going up at least one band sizes, since your ribs will expand with pregnancy.. I went from a 34A/B to a 36B/C, at the same pre-preg weight. Even though my breasts don't grow much during pregnancy, and I did not produce a ton of milk, I still was at a full C while I breastfed. So with that, maybe order up 1-2 sizes and if it feels a little loose in the chest, if you do not want to get it tailored you could always wear a Nubra (https://www.nubra.com) to fill in the gaps.
As you all know by now, I'm a person who likes to keep things simple. I do not plan to have a doula in the delivery room. Probably be DH and me. Maybe my mom, MIL, or SIL. (I'm one of those people who doesn't care.) So, what can I expect with no doula?
What kind of things should I be hyper aware of during L&D?
@cindler I haven’t used a doula, so not sure what experience is like with one, but I have had two very good experiences.
I didn’t really have a birth plan, other than I knew I wanted an epidural. My husband was on the same page, so so felt like if things came up during labor, he would be able to help me make decisions. With my first my mom and grandma were in the room with us and both were very helpful. Got ice chips, sat with me so DH could go down and get a bite to eat, and my mom took pictures for us after baby was born, which is something I will always treasure. The plan was for them to be with us for my second as well, but he came to fast so it was just DH and I, but it was fine.
I didn’t want anyone touching me while I was in labor though lol. For us, I don’t think a doula would’ve been a good fit, but I think it just depends on each couple. I think how labor and delivery goes also plays a big part of it, which i know is impossible to know ahead of time. Mine were fairly easy, so it’s hard for me to see how a doula would’ve added anything to the experience. If they had been different though, maybe DH and I could’ve used extra support or advice from someone else.
@cindler you could read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth if you want to hear more about what the doula/midwife type birthing experience can be like and what kinds of positions and methods that they use during difficult times of labor. Her book Spiritual Midwifery can be helpful in that respect too.
@cindler I didn't use a doula... I just went to hospital, made sure I got an epidural and left the rest in the hands of the nurses (who were amazing) and my OB. It was really mostly a lot of hanging around and waiting to dilate all the way ... honestly, for me, a doula would have been kind of overkill.
@cindler I agree with @mamanbebe , Ina May's guide to childbirth was one of the best books in the world.
Also: Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth Childbirth without Fear
I would definitely read up on labor and birth so you can go in making informed decisions. There's so much happening in the moment, you really need to make your choices before labor starts. Or you can leave it all up to the nurses and OB if that's your style. I tend to want to call the shots in labor, because medical intervention can lead to a higher chance of a CS. I've had both CS and natural vag birth and personally my recovery was much, much easier with vag birth so I do everything I can to avoid another CS. But everyone has their own preferences.
My question: travel after birth. How soon could baby and I realistically be in a car for 16 hours? I’m very close to my grandmother, and she lives in a remote part of Canada that I have a small window of summer to visit during. We usually go around Labor Day weekend. She is very old, and I worry each time I go it will be the last time I see her. Our baby will be named after her (middle name) and I so badly want her to meet our child.... the drive and being in an area without close medical care worries me...(facetime isn’t an option, neither is flying) ...any thoughts? Due second week of July.
@pregnant_and_paleo could you arrange for your grandma to come visit you? Just thinking of alternative solutions. (It's part of my job and hard to shut off lol)
Otherwise, I'll leave the actual question to the pros.
@pregnant_and_paleo I would say don't do it until after 6 months. We took DS on an 800 mile road trip at 2 months old and it was a complete nightmare with having to make frequent stops, being crammed into the back seat with him and all of our stuff, lots of screaming and crying and messes. He did not want to be strapped into a car seat for long stretches, and reasonably so. Little babies want to be held, need to be fed and changed frequently and are not as easy to entertain as older babies.
@pregnantandpaleo I really think it depends on how your baby is in the car. My DS LOVED the car. He never made a peep when he was in the car. We drove 9 hours when he was 2 months, and we only stopped for feeding and bathroom breaks. He didn't cry once. My niece, on the other hand, despised being in the car. The first 6 months of her life she screamed from the moment she was strapped in until the moment she was taken out.
@cindler unfortunately there is no one that can drive her. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her on a bus alone and I don’t think I can hire an Uber for that distance haha. But thank you, I appreciate the brainstorming honestly!
@mamanbebe that’s what I thought. As talking to my parents about it they think it will be fine.... but it has been 31 years since they did any traveling with a baby so I wondered if they may have forgotten a few a things hahaha. I do wish I could figure this out though. I can’t visit October through May (inaccessible during their winter). I’m asking this honestly- you said it was a nightmare... but you all survived? I wouldn’t consider this a vacation so i can deal with it not being pleasant. I just need my grandmother to meet our baby.
@pregnant_and_paleo I think it definitely depends on how much your babe likes the car seat. Even if they aren’t a huge fan though, I would still say it’s doable, just realize that this trip might take you double the amount of time it usually takes.
We drove to the panhandle of FL when my second was 3 months old. Typically a 6 hour trip for us. On the way up, it took us almost 11 hours. It was pretty exhausting, but we made it. On the way back it only took us 7.5 hours, he was much more content.
@pregnant_and_paleo We survived! I think we did the biggest leg on the first day and then had a short drive the next. Once we were there, everything was fine, but that drive was so rough. And like @nolemomma14 said, it will take way longer than the estimated drive time because there are so many unexpected stops.
We don't travel anywhere until after the baby has the first big set of shots around 2-4 months old.
Honestly I would play it by ear and see. Some babies do amazing in the car but you can expect to have to stop every 3-4hrs which makes for a super long drive.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
@pregnantandpaleo We drove 12 hours with M when he was about 5.5 months old to see my parents. The drive went relatively well as M was only ever upset in his carseat if we were stopped at a light, etc., and I-70 pretty much goes from D.C. to my hometown. However, we were stopped about every 2-3 hours to nurse, change the diaper, stretch our legs, etc. It was long. It was TIRING, even with him napping for several hours throughout the trip. I can't imagine doing 16 hours before six months, personally.
@pregnant_and_paleo we plan to do a similar amount of driving when baby is a month and a half old or so to visit my MIL. She lives on the beach in Maine and same as you, the window to visit (and actually have a lot of fun) is small so we don't want to miss out! Ours will be 16ish hours round trip. Not sure if yours is round trip or one way. Anyway, we will partially be playing it by ear. If babe is awful in the car we will possibly skip it. Otherwise, we will plan on stopping as needed. It will take longer that way but to us, it's worth it. We have always had the mindset that we wouldn't be stuck to our house with our babies and have taken them all with us where ever from pretty early on! So it is definitely possible! I'd try to talk to your grandmother about letting her know this is the tentative plan, but may have to cancel if baby doesn't seem ready.
@pregnantandpaleo It's doable as long as you understand it will be very long and unpleasant. I took my 10 week old on a 1000 mile roundtrip trip (solo). We had to stop every 2 hours to feed so it took way longer than normal. But if there are two of you, you could pump into a bottle or mix formula in the back seat and feed the baby while someone else drives which can help a lot. You probably need to take 2 days to drive that distance and just be mentally prepared that it won't necessarily feel like a vacation. I think it's fantastic that you're planning this, and I know your grandmother will appreciate it so much.
@pregnantandpaleo would it be possible to break up the trip and fly/rent a car for part of the distance? Might make it a ton easier. But, most new babies sleep a lot... so you might not have too many problems...you just don't know until the baby is here.
Did any of you STMs get a weird double roll thing going on in your stomach during your first pregnancy? I am 5'4" and weighed 155 before pregnancy. Im 14+2 and gained about 10 lbs so far and just the past couple days I've noticed a roll above my belly button and one below. The one below is definitely baby because it's hard as a rock. What the heck is going on with the roll above my belly button?
@pregnant_and_paleo 2 weeks after my oldest was born we moved from Las Vegas to Western NY. By car, in December. Took the northern route, with 5 cats, a snake, a uhaul trailer, baby, my mom, and me. DH had to fly for a disability Hearing and to secure our rental house. It was not fun, but we did it.
@blackhottamales good news is 5 months out should give you enough time to try on and order your dress shortly after birth. I would get a size that snugly fits your body at time (likely larger than you will be 5 months from then), because it is always easier to take a dress in than it is to let a dress out a few sizes. Also, if you are able to choose the style you want, even better. If the bride makes everyone choose the same dress, this might make it a little harder to find a style that is forgiving. I am having the same issue in reverse (had to order my dress 5 months prior to being fully pregnant for a wedding) and estimate how my FT pregnant body will be at 7 months along. I was a bloated version of my normal size at the fitting and had to try on dresses with a fake pillow belly (so weird) and order like 3 sizes up in anticipation of unknown amount of weight gain. I was able to pick a dress that has some give and some extra fabric in case I need to let more out than anticipated. But still not fun, I feel you girl!
Question for STMs...are these new giant flying saucer nipples going to stick around forever?? Or do they shrink back to their pre-pregnancy size after all the breastfeeding and stuff is over? Please say they shrink back down...
Have any STMs not lived near any friends and family when you had your other children? We live about 3-4 hours drive from all of our close friends and family, and don't really know anyone in our new city. I worry about after birth, there being no "meal train" or people to come just sit with the baby for an hour while I shower... those who do visit will have to make a stay out of it, which means me "hosting" people for more than just an hour or so. Not that people will expect to stay overnight in our tiny place, but they will be making the trip just to see us and likely staying overnight in a hotel at their expense, so the whole, "drop by to help and then leave" thing is not likely to be the case. Anyone else in this situation? What was it like, and how did you get the help you need with meals and extra hands to do dishes and watch the LO?
@julybaybay make freezer meals before baby is born, to lessen the amount you have to cook. The crockpot is also amazing! Dump a bunch of stuff in the morning and forget it until it’s done.
For showers, wait till DH gets home or bring the bouncer in the bathroom and let baby hangout in there with you. I always found dishes and other chores got done one way or another. Prioritize what needs to be done vs what you want done, and rely on DH to get things done around the house.
@julybaybay I've also never had a problem showering with a baby...they usually sleep for pretty decent stretches throughout the day and you will learn when to do what. Also, a lot of times, babies are pretty content to lay on a play mat in the bathroom and look at things above their heads. I survived two kids with my husband barely home and a little bit of family/friends popping in here and there... but honestly I don't think a single person cooked us a meal.
You just kind of adjust and it becomes the new normal.
@julybaybay I had no family nearby with my last 3 and always have a problem with having to host when we have visitors. I try to order pizza or carryout or have H cook if he's here. I suck and never made meals ahead of time or had a meal train of any sort.
Baby carrier is my absolute best friend and learning to nurse in it (if you decided to BF) was a complete lifesaver for when I had to cook dinner but had a stage 5 clinger.
Since H travels for work it's not always possible for me to wait for him to shower. So like other said, set up a swing or bouncer, or wait till the baby is napping. It's completely OK for them to cry for just a second while you finish your shower or whatever.
It all might seem very daunting now but when you are in it you just figure out a way to do it and do it.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Thanks @nopegoat@nolemomma14@Bear14+ that is all very helpful advice. I always hear moms of newborns say "I haven't showered in days.." and I never quite understood that. I know time is crazy and you are at the baby's mercy, but I have also babysat and nannied multiple babies/children and I have always thought when it's my turn, I would just bring a carrier/bassinet into the bathroom and shower, it doesn't seem that complex to me. But the frequency with which I hear that other moms can't fit a shower in, I thought, maybe this is a real thing and I'm totally underestimating.
@julybaybay also very far from all family with the problem of hosting.
For me it was quite tough the first two months and put quite a bit of pressure on my husband (who took charge of making sure we ate haha. We had a lot of take out..). We are city apartment people with a freezer that definitely doesn’t accommodate more than 2-3 freezer meals so that wasn’t an option either!!
I just remember especially struggling not to compare with friends who had their mom or MIL come over during the day to let them shower and nap and cook dinners etc.
This time my goal is to communicate better when the situation is overwhelming me. We will likely increase the hours of the cleaning person and pre-plan our delivery food budget so I just know that’s the plan. Oh, and try as hard as possible not to talk to friends with great support networks (haha, this is a joke). My sister will give birth in March and she lives near my parents and I’m already jealous...just reminding myself that distance means I don’t have to deal with confrontation on parenting advice
@frenchbaby18 comparing to others is my mortal enemy and fatal flaw. I have manage to convince myself that it simply won't work without help, as I see everyone else with a support team. I get extremely jealous of those with help and boil with rage when they try to give me advice about the "balance", "making time for yourself" or when they talk about how "hard it is" when they have a TEAM!
@julybaybay If I didn't shower for days with a newborn, it was simply because I was too tired to do it I definitely had a lot more "time" with my second to do stuff, the girl slept all the time including 3 hour stretches at night. My first was a little more challenging (funny, he still is!!) ... He didn't nap or sleep as good at night so I was definitely more tired with him and didn't take care of myself as much because all I wanted to do was close my eyes!
@julybaybay My parents were around for the first 6 weeks but not after and SO's job has crazy hours so I was on my own with baby the whole time. I second @nopegoat 's suggestion about the baby carrier. Mine was a life saver. I could cook, clean, workout, shop, do virtually everything with her strapped to me with no issue. She would even nap in there. It was brilliant.
I am one of those people who had a hard time with showering. SO wasn't home to help me out and DD HATED her bouncy seat or being anywhere that she couldn't see me clearly so she would SCREAM the entire time I showered. She wasn't a crier and as a FTM it made me feel horrible...so I would skip showers because I couldn't handle her crying because of it. After a couple of months I figured out how to shower with her (I just held her in one arm while I showered and she would shower with me). Or I would take her swimming and shower at the pool with her in her stroller right there. So I totally get the Moms who don't shower for days.
Re: Ask a STM+ January
For the one 3 months after, the bride ordered her dresses from an Etsy store and asked them the best way to handle it. They were absolutely wonderful. They suggested everyone do back lace ups and I provide my pregnant measurements as they assumed the boobs wouldn’t shrink that much. It worked great - it was a bit big but just the last up looked tighter that the other girls so not a problem at all.
For the 6 month one, the bride was my sister and she ordered dresses from a normal place, same style for everyone. It was a halter and a-line so not too bad for post pregnancy body. I did order a size up from pre-pregnancy knowing it’s easier to make smaller than bigger! Glad I did it for the boobs (note usual size 8-10 in dresses, ordered a 12 and needed the boob room).
@mamanbebe We are still deciding where the dresses will come from--they'll all come from the same place and all in the same color & fabric but can be different style. She wants long dresses so i think i can find something that is super flowy --i am most worried about my boobs. I have small B cups (some might measure A, but they are B!) and who knows what will happen, they haven't changed size yet...
You both make great points that maybe i go up a size than i am now and then have it altered once we get closer to the wedding.
As you all know by now, I'm a person who likes to keep things simple. I do not plan to have a doula in the delivery room. Probably be DH and me. Maybe my mom, MIL, or SIL. (I'm one of those people who doesn't care.) So, what can I expect with no doula?
What kind of things should I be hyper aware of during L&D?
I didn’t really have a birth plan, other than I knew I wanted an epidural. My husband was on the same page, so so felt like if things came up during labor, he would be able to help me make decisions. With my first my mom and grandma were in the room with us and both were very helpful. Got ice chips, sat with me so DH could go down and get a bite to eat, and my mom took pictures for us after baby was born, which is something I will always treasure. The plan was for them to be with us for my second as well, but he came to fast so it was just DH and I, but it was fine.
I didn’t want anyone touching me while I was in labor though lol. For us, I don’t think a doula would’ve been a good fit, but I think it just depends on each couple. I think how labor and delivery goes also plays a big part of it, which i know is impossible to know ahead of time. Mine were fairly easy, so it’s hard for me to see how a doula would’ve added anything to the experience. If they had been different though, maybe DH and I could’ve used extra support or advice from someone else.
Also:
Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
Childbirth without Fear
I would definitely read up on labor and birth so you can go in making informed decisions. There's so much happening in the moment, you really need to make your choices before labor starts. Or you can leave it all up to the nurses and OB if that's your style. I tend to want to call the shots in labor, because medical intervention can lead to a higher chance of a CS. I've had both CS and natural vag birth and personally my recovery was much, much easier with vag birth so I do everything I can to avoid another CS. But everyone has their own preferences.
Otherwise, I'll leave the actual question to the pros.
@mamanbebe that’s what I thought. As talking to my parents about it they think it will be fine.... but it has been 31 years since they did any traveling with a baby so I wondered if they may have forgotten a few a things hahaha. I do wish I could figure this out though. I can’t visit October through May (inaccessible during their winter). I’m asking this honestly- you said it was a nightmare... but you all survived? I wouldn’t consider this a vacation so i can deal with it not being pleasant. I just need my grandmother to meet our baby.
We drove to the panhandle of FL when my second was 3 months old. Typically a 6 hour trip for us. On the way up, it took us almost 11 hours. It was pretty exhausting, but we made it. On the way back it only took us 7.5 hours, he was much more content.
Honestly I would play it by ear and see. Some babies do amazing in the car but you can expect to have to stop every 3-4hrs which makes for a super long drive.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
@Cbeanz my husband always does 90% of the driving for this trip (when I was younger I got in a terrible accident on my way up and that experience has made me nervous driving a big chunk of it, basically from our house to the border haha) so I would definitely be able to ride in back for all of the trip.
@Bear14+ The nearest airport to her is a solid 9 hours, so I feel like the extra five it would take to drive seems worth it when you factor everything in
@indulgentgypsy wow! That trip seems brutal! That’s a lot to travel with!
For showers, wait till DH gets home or bring the bouncer in the bathroom and let baby hangout in there with you. I always found dishes and other chores got done one way or another. Prioritize what needs to be done vs what you want done, and rely on DH to get things done around the house.
You just kind of adjust and it becomes the new normal.
Baby carrier is my absolute best friend and learning to nurse in it (if you decided to BF) was a complete lifesaver for when I had to cook dinner but had a stage 5 clinger.
Since H travels for work it's not always possible for me to wait for him to shower. So like other said, set up a swing or bouncer, or wait till the baby is napping. It's completely OK for them to cry for just a second while you finish your shower or whatever.
It all might seem very daunting now but when you are in it you just figure out a way to do it and do it.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
For me it was quite tough the first two months and put quite a bit of pressure on my husband (who took charge of making sure we ate haha. We had a lot of take out..). We are city apartment people with a freezer that definitely doesn’t accommodate more than 2-3 freezer meals so that wasn’t an option either!!
I just remember especially struggling not to compare with friends who had their mom or MIL come over during the day to let them shower and nap and cook dinners etc.
This time my goal is to communicate better when the situation is overwhelming me. We will likely increase the hours of the cleaning person and pre-plan our delivery food budget so I just know that’s the plan. Oh, and try as hard as possible not to talk to friends with great support networks (haha, this is a joke). My sister will give birth in March and she lives near my parents and I’m already jealous...just reminding myself that distance means I don’t have to deal with confrontation on parenting advice
You've got this!! It's not always easy or pretty but I promise it all works out. Don't underestimate your strength! ❤️
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
I am one of those people who had a hard time with showering. SO wasn't home to help me out and DD HATED her bouncy seat or being anywhere that she couldn't see me clearly so she would SCREAM the entire time I showered. She wasn't a crier and as a FTM it made me feel horrible...so I would skip showers because I couldn't handle her crying because of it. After a couple of months I figured out how to shower with her (I just held her in one arm while I showered and she would shower with me). Or I would take her swimming and shower at the pool with her in her stroller right there. So I totally get the Moms who don't shower for days.