Having relatives stay after the birth

jami2019 · January 2019

Hi all,

My in-laws (mom and dad, sister and her husband, brother) have said they want to be here for the birth. Mom and sis in law have also offered to stay a month and help out - they live far away and would be flying here anyway. My husband and I recently moved into our house so we are frantically setting up and technically do have space for all, but I am a FTM and am unsure how I'm going to feel to have them all around when I'm just figuring things out and getting to know my babies myself (identical twin girls).

On the one hand I'm thinking I should take as much help as I can possibly get, especially with things like cleaning the house, cooking, walking the dog etc. On the other hand, maybe having all those people over is too much?

Finally my parents live 10 minutes away and have offered to help in any way they can so it's not an option between having help and having privacy.

Have any of you STM+ had family stay with a newborn? What was your experience?

catherineclaire78 · January 2019

This is my fourth baby and we’ve been married 15 years. I don’t think that we would have lasted this long if my in-laws ever moved in with us for a month. Personally, I think a month is too long for any houseguests to stay. Also, with your first you actually need less of this type of help that they are offering than if you already had a kid or two that they could get out of the house to take to a park, put down for nap, or bring to preschool. I would politely offer a shorter visit.

kangstadt · January 2019

I definitely agree that a month with in-laws would be a lot to handle. I appreciated having my parents around to help out with my first, but I also would not have wanted none-immediate family around while I was bleeding/in pain/healing for 6+ weeks. If your SO has any paternity/family leave, I would take advantage of that and also take advantage of having your parents nearby when you feel overwhelmed.

thatbaintforbetty · January 2019

We lived with my parents when DD was born and I am so beyond happy that the case is different this time. Personally I felt super weird trying to breastfeed with my parents around (and my siblings occasionally). I think it’s part of the reason it didn’t work out, along with some others but still a factor. Even if I was closed off in my own room, the lack of guaranteed privacy really sucked. Add that to the random crying, bleeding, etc. I in no way want to have to try to care for/think of/be mindful of more then absolutely necessary. Even if I had the space I wouldn’t want anyone to come and help out, unless they are taking DD out so I can nap and only have one kid to deal with.

Im sure for some the BF thing wouldn’t be an issue and some probably have family that is legitimately helpful. But that wasn’t our scenario.

Also i’d rather scrub my nipples with steel wool then have my MIL visit. (Clearly we don’t get along. At all)

lyse01 · January 2019

I think this is a know-thyself-know-thy-guest situation. My mom is a super self-sufficient guest who has visited on a number of occasions when I’ve injured myself, and brings a book, does the laundry, cooks dinner and cleans it up, only requiring directions to the nearest grocery store or the location of the vacuum cleaner. I’d be down with her help as long as she wants to give it. DH would want space after about a week. She also, though, is unlikely to say go ahead, do your self-care outside the house and I’ll take care of everything else.

MIL requires much more direction about everything, eg asking constantly where things are put away in the kitchen instead of trying to figure out the system, insisting that the junk drawer/room/whatever situation be resolved while she’s there (not decisions I want or need to make immediately) and wanting to talk constantly instead of letting someone rest/decompress. She also offers a lot of help that she can’t necessarily give, so it becomes something that you can’t regularly count on. Her energy level does not match mine, especially post partum, and it would be extremely difficult for me to get to her level. Also, living with them for six months was rough on my relationship with DH. She frequently tries to facilitate us going on dates without DD, though.

Consider a few things: the extra expense of food (especially if you have prepped freezer meals), the awkwardness of learning to breastfeed (twins) and pumping in front of FIL (or dad), the difficulty you might have in finding time just for you and DH (ie will they disappear when you need them to?).

If I were you, I’d probably not accept all guests at once - space them out (with shorter visits) to extend the help but not overwhelm you.

KristieH05 · January 2019

Also think about how the babies are likely to arrive. I extremely overestimated how I was going to feel after having a c section. I felt worse than dog poo. My husband works out of town and was unable to quickly help if I would have had an emergency. I love my MIL, but having her forced on me by an anxious and worried husband strained our relationship. Also, except for getting lunch, she just sat on the couch and watched TV. Not very helpful. I was also very possessive of my new baby and didn't want anyone over to just hold her or take pics that ended up on Facebook without my permission. Fortunately, my mom was able to come down and stay almost a week. She jumped right in doing laundry and had brought meals my dad had made. She helped carry baby in the carseat and drove us to the first doctor visit.

kyashley1227 · January 2019

There is no way I could handle my in-laws in my house for an extended period of time while I’m recovering from giving birth. They’re sweet people and I love them dearly but, I need my space.

mrstmoose · January 2019

You’ll want/need help after the babies are born. Most do. It’s a lot of change at once. Even now, being a STM, I will need help. But our family all live locally and won’t stay permanently. If your mom didn’t live close, I would suggest having someone stay for a week or two but that’s it. And since she does, I would kindly suggest to your ILs that they can come but they will need to find other accommodations. When you’re figuring out bf’ing, schedules, etc, you don’t need to feel like you’re entertaining. Tell MIL she can come over during the day but she will need to help and not just hold the baby.

bellebaby221 · January 2019

**lurking from F19 BMB**

My twins were my first babies and I had a c/s so having my mom here for the first 2 weeks was a godsend. She is a nurse and kept an eye on my incision to make sure all was well. Otherwise she cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc while I bonded with the babies. Then my DH insisted that MIL be given a week with us too. It was horrible. All she wanted to do was hold the babies. It was not helpful at all. And after those first 2 weeks I needed to start learning how to manage on my own. No way would I have wanted anyone there for an entire month as overnight guests.
And it's not like it's just your MIL and FIL that you mentioned. That's a lot of house guests to add to what will already be a stressful time. Keep in mind that if the babies come early (which is more likely with twins) they might not even come home right away with you. Would you really want to manage house guests and visiting the NICU? Hopefully your LOs will be just fine but it is something twin moms are more likely to deal with.

jami2019 · January 2019

Hey, thank you all for your comments, very helpful!!

And @belebaby221 thank you for lurking and sharing your experience -- I for some reason hadn't even considered the NICU/houseguest situation even though I know NICU time is a good possibility.

I'm thinking of asking them to come for a shorter time once we've had a little time to settle and are comfortable-ish in a routine. I think with my parents so close there is no need for live-in support -- probably more stressful than helpful.

Thanks again all, super helpful comments

Really helped me sort this out!

blueberrymomma · January 2019

@rockclimbingmom I agree with a previous poster that it depends on your relationship with your in-laws. My MIL is completely unhelpful, just wants to hold babies when they’re sleeping or give them bottles(even though she knew I exclusively breastfed. However, with my first my mom stayed with us for a month because DH was working 90 hour weeks and she is the only reason I survived, like @lyse01 said my mom needs little direction and knows what’s helpful or not.

I would definitly a)Space your guests out so you’re not overwhelmed b) ask them to wait until you’re settled at home for a week, especially if you may have NICU time

tmblickley · January 2019

@rockclimbingmom with DD I said inlaws and my parents could stay until the day after I came home from the hospital. I wanted just DH and i while I was learning to breastfeed and recovering. I ended up asking my parents to stay an extra 3 days because getting out of bed and going up stairs was really tough after a csection. After that we were OK on our own.

If possible I'd say have sister come 3 to 4 weeks later and brother 5 to 6 weeks later. If u stagger them it wont be too overwhelming.

kaitykins · January 2019

My SIL came the day my dd was born (it was just the planned day) and pet sat while we were in hospital for a couple days and helped soo much around the house. She and I are friends beyond sil relationship. It was really nice. She is trying to plan to be here around baby’s first week again, to help with dd and the house and such. She just crashes in dd’s room.

The inlaws came a little bit later (maybe around day 10) because they flew in, so they came after the latest baby could be born. Just before SIL left. They stayed in lodging we had available across the street. (I live at a camp/conference grounds so there are like 400 beds on site we can use if nobody has booked them). It was a little more awkward to bf with fil around but I was almost past the worst part and the cover up method worked fine. It was good to have the help again, and fil helped hubs build a fence most of the time (so I could let the dog out off leash) and mil is Not pushy. We invited them out again, not sure when they will come.

My parents lived up a hill across the street at the time and came down/we went up regularly. It was nice. It was Christmas. (Dd was born dec 20) this time they live 3000 miles away and only my mom will be able to come out. Not sure when but she will probably stay with my sister a 2min. Walk away so that she can have space. She has chronic pain and migraine all the time so she needs a quiet place to go and we don’t have a guest room. I’m hoping she will stay for 2 weeks just so we can see her more. She is one of my best friends. My dad can’t come because $$ and he needs to visit his mom who just turned 93 today. So that’s a bummer. But I agree with him, he should go see his mom. I would go see her too if I could. Anyway, I loved family help. I also had days where I felt overwhelmed or judged by them, but I love my family and they did a lot to make life simpler. I was very anemic and weak pp and it was nice to just sit and not worry about much other than feeding and and tending baby.

jayhawkmom4 · January 2019

It would all depend on your inlaws! If you get along well with them I think with twins it could be a Godsend. If it is awkward or overbearing though it would be like a weight around your neck! An extra burden or feeling the need to entertain is the last thing you will need!

Piccola1988 · January 2019

Honestly, I would avoid that if you can, BUT it really also depends on the type of people that you and your in-laws are. If it helps, I'll share my situation.

When my son was born, my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL) were supposed to stay with us - they planned to arrive on my due date and stay for a week. First of all, I thought they were idiots because babies come in their own time and if the baby was a week late they would miss him altogether. Then, once I fully wrapped my brain around what I had agreed to, including and especially trying to learn to breastfeed with them in the house, I knew this could not happen. Somehow I got extremely lucky and their [embellished] health problems caused MIL and FIL to cancel their trip. I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. We still had SIL, which I was nervous about, but she was really respectful and actually spent the night we got home from the hospital at a friends' to give us some space.

All of that being said, my in-laws are not that helpful. They sometimes try, but you have to specifically ask and they're not the type to make it a point to do things your way. I likely have mild undiagnosed OCD and they are the type to wipe down the counters with the dish sponge, so I would have been following them around making sure they didn't touch anything instead of getting the rest I needed. In my case, it would have been a bad idea for them to stay, so H and I agreed not to have overnight guests this time around. If you're really comfortable around your in-laws and they're helpful, you would likely have a different experience than I would have - maybe not for a month, but do what you're comfortable with!

TheSouffleGirl · January 2019

I put off all relatives for about 2 weeks (doable because they're out-of-state) and don't regret it.

It was really meaningful to be able to use DH's week off to adjust being a family of 3, and by the time my family came I was willing to trade the stress for a little help around the house.

But I'm not sure I would have had the guts to put them off if it weren't for some people on my last BMB, so here's the encouragement if someone else needs it! It was totally worth the minorly hurt feelings to push back the anxiety attacks a couple of weeks.

jlklec19 · January 2019

This whole thread makes me feel better that I’m also struggling with scheduling of family members. I keep going back and forth on how much help to ask for/accept, but DH likely won’t have very much time at home with me and LO because he’s starting a new job and has to start accruing vacation time all over, so I may need my mom to come help me at least a bit. Reading about everyone else’s experiences and concerns makes me feel a little better.

gollygeeitsamy · January 2019

This is a really great topic and I think it goes to show that it really just depends on you, your situation, and your relatives. I would establish beforehand expectations of any visitor. I told my family they had to get updated vaccinations or they couldn't come over. My FIL begrudgingly did it.

For me, all my relatives live within an hour drive. My mom stayed with us for a really long time, we were only planning for a week but I had PPD. She was the one who put me in the car and demanded I see a doctor about my anxiety. When my mom stayed with us she did all the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. She let me sleep and forced me to take a shower. I wasn't in the right state of mind and couldn't have made it without her. My MIL came later when I was feeling much better and stayed for two weeks. She let me do my thing and I didn't have to entertain her and she cooked our dinners.

saucentoss · January 2019

I agree with everyone else about how the personalities involved really make a big difference.

One thing to consider is that a visit doesn't have to mean that they stay with you. We didn't let either set of grandparents stay with us after we had our son. We were in a small apartment and I didn't think it would help for all of us to be up all night. Also, I wanted to try to make it so everyone got the same amount of access. Having time when we didn't have company staying in our house really helped when were were struggling to figure things out and we were sleep deprived (I will admit to getting more easily annoyed with stuff the first few months). We still got help since they stayed at nearby hotels and would come over during the day and they were happy because they got to see their first grandchild fairly quickly.

browneyes88-2 · January 2019

With our first we wanted time to adjust to being a family of 3. We wanted time to explore the new road ahead with just us. We didn't have family come stay until about a month after Baby was here. (They live 3,000 miles away). I was lucky to get 3 months off and DH got a 6 weeks off which made our decision easier.

We will probably have my mom come a little sooner after this Baby comes to help out with our toddler. Who knows plans can always change.

kosmo86 · January 2019

Maybe to help ease some FTM minds. Don't expect to do a ton the first few weeks. DH did most of the cleaning/cooking but this is how my day went with DD:

DH got up to go to work. He helped me gather all my 'supplies for the day'. I basically set up a pack and play and a bouncer/swing in the living room. had my boppy and changing supplies caddy(also kept an extra onsie in there too). also had a couple blankets and spit cloths.

The lunch stuff I had was super easy stuff, stick in the microwave or eat cold. I watched a TON of netflix and played video games and had my laptop near by. I BF'd and pumped and always had a clean set up pump parts ready and my pump in the living room. I really only got up to eat or go to the bathroom (even napped on the couch) I showered at night when DH was home and he mostly took care of the straightening. Gradually I would take on a few small tasks here and there and felt better.

Moral of the story.. don't worry if you don't have help as long as you set your expectations for what is expected of YOU really low you will be OK. Before DD was born I thought I would get a bunch of stuff done around the house while on leave (spoiler: I DID NOT) but this time around I know better and may need a new video game instead.

TheSouffleGirl · January 2019

Yes to what @kosmo86 said about how to survive without relatives. We basically shut down everything in the house but the microwave and the couch area, used all plasticware, ate cold breakfasts and lunches, and had friends bring us dinner or ordered in.

Definitely +1 to having your husband set you up before he goes to work. I basically did not move off the couch during the day for a month, and it worked just fine.

Having relatives was actually harder for me, bc, since they weren't 100% there to help, more of the house got pulled apart and never quite found its way back together, and I couldn't rest as much since I had to be awake and engaged with them.

But obviously relatives that consistently cook and clean and let you nap would be a whole different story!

rache1990 · January 2019

My aunt recommended my mom stay 3 months after the baby is born. I told my mom hard pass on that 😂 my MIL wants to stay 1-2 weeks to
help after my mom leaves. This is a little overwhelming! My husband is going to be off work for 2 weeks and unless I like can’t move I don’t really want people staying with us when we bring our new baby home. Definitely not for weeks. Would rather have special time just the three of us and they can visit for a couple days at a time. Weeks seems like way too much 😬 I told my mom it would be more helpful if she wants to stay a couple weeks when I’m going back to work to help with part time nanny transition that would be more helpful than right at the beginning I think 🤔

honey_suckle · January 2019

As a first time mom it's been really interesting to read all you STM stories. However, for me it was never an option to have family come stay here right when the babies are born. My parents live about a 10h drive away and DHs parents across the Atlantic. My parents are very eager to come down and help, especially since they're retired, but I've said they all have to wait. Like some of you seem to have experienced, I think I would find myself just having to instruct them of how to help instead of getting extra rest + my mom and I easily get into arguments which I couldn't deal with after birth. Luckily here there's less of a tradition to have relatives come stay with you directly, I think mainly because the partner gets time off the first weeks after birth, and there's no visitors allowed in the hospital. With twins we're extra lucky because we'll both be on leave together for the first 3 months, so I'm looking forward to just being the four of us getting to know each other at home, and DH is so great with babies. I do however wish that my family lived closer so that they could come visit without it having to be an intense stay for days and weeks.

@rockclimbingmom with twins I've been told that it's very likely that you will spend at least a week at the hospital with neo natal care since the majority are born a bit early, and then if born early they might be extra sensitive to seeing other people with concern of their immune system. Therefore I don't want to promise anyone that they get to visit until I know it will be safe for the babies. If you're planning to double breastfeed then you'll need someone handing you babies though and helping you set up, but it should be someone you're comfortable being half naked with 😉.

brady0517 · January 2019

When I brought my son home it was just DH and I for about the first week. People would come over to bring food and stay for less than 30 minutes. MIL only came over once or twice to give us a break so we both could nap. About a week or two after he was home, my mom came to stay with us only for a couple of days (if I remember correctly, just 2 nights). The first night she was supposed to bring dinner on her way in and we told her what we wanted, texted her the order, and when she arrived there was no food! She said that when she got into town, she changed her mind about what kind of food SHE wanted so she figured she would have ME call in an order and have DH go pick it up for us. I was so mad at that because at that time we were STARVING. Also, I remember we got into an argument on the second day because she wasn't being too helpful but what really triggered it was when I had to rush home after bringing her to the store to get something for her (nothing for me) to feed my son. He had been screaming crying for about 10-15 minutes by the time we got there and my DH and I went into our room so I could feed my son and he could just sit down with us. My son took about 30 minutes or so to eat and my mom was in the living room because I told her on SO MANY OCCASIONS that I didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of anyone other than DH. She left during that feeding to go home. When I called her, she was crying saying that she felt like she was in the way and was being ignored because I wasn't feeding him in the living room and hanging out with her. I reminded her that I like to feed in private and she said "well I gave brith to you, you should be comfortable feeding him in front of your own mother". I told her she was insane and how could she think that when I couldn't even change into my wedding dress in front of her, I had to put it on then come out so she could lace up the back. I finally got her to come back and calm her down. All of this 2 weeks PP.

When DD comes in April, I do not want any overnight visitors for quite a while and if they want to stay the night, its only for 1 night. Also, I am telling my mother that if she wanted to come and visit, we are not going shopping the full day like we did when DS was born and she will actually have to help me and not just sit there and hold the baby while I do everything around the house for her.

HGRich · January 2019

My MIL is extremely selfless, almost to a fault. She and FIL were about to leave the hospital without even seeing DD because I had needed some time to switch over to the recovery room and breastfeeding wasn’t starting out well. But I insisted they come meet her for Pete’s sake.

Anyway, with DD I wish I had asked MIL to come stay for a couple days a little sooner. But never as long as a week. DH had two weeks paternity leave, but this time around he’ll have four! I’m really excited, and I think it means I won’t need anyone else to come stay for that first month at least, and by then things start to get routine. I mean, by that’s point with DD I had also run out of adrenaline and needed even more help, since she wasn’t gaining weight well and wasn’t sleeping either.

This time, family (they all live hours away) can come see me for up to two days, if they stay in a hotel. Last time my MIL was very unobtrusive and didn’t need anything from me which was nice. But she also didn’t want to be too domineering I guess, so she timidly asked me if I wanted her to wash any dishes or anything. Like, yes please! Don’t bother asking! Haha.

So I agree with @kosmo86. Plan some tv shows to binge during nursing sessions, have extremely low standards for your household chores, and tell anyone if they want to visit, they can hold the baby while you shower and/or do a load of laundry for you. And they have to bring food. And they cannot expect you to do anything for them. Your focus is on baby and yourself.

rache1990 · January 2019

@brady0517 😂 that is horrifying! Thanks for the words of wisdom

kosmo86 · January 2019

brady0517 my mom is really sensitive too. She pretends like I have so many rules and yell at her all the time. She deals with a lot of anxiety so she just isn't great under pressure. I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells with what I say. I would hate to have her around when I am not feeling great. She is the type that likes to say things like "oh you are in a bad mood" or something like that when I feel like I am being normal and then it puts me in a bad mood

rennie1108 · January 2019

As a FTM, I really appreciate all the stories and advice! Both my parents and in laws live thousands of miles away, but we are planning to have my mom come stay for the first 2-ish weeks. However, she isn't actually planning to come out until I have the baby, so that gives us time to get home from the hospital and maybe have the first few days alone (well, with my 17 year old stepdaughter as well). But my mom is really, really helpful, and I know she'll pretty much do everything for me. She does drive me a bit crazy, but I can tell her and it doesn't cause a fight. I'm actually really excited to have her here with me, especially because she will probably be here on the 1 year anniversary of my sister's death, which will obviously be very hard on us. DH doesn't get any paternity leave, although he'll probably take a week off, but it'll be nice to have the help while he's working. Luckily, my MIL is super chill (she has like 12 grandkids already and a few great grandkids) so I actually don't know when she'll come to visit. However, I will have to make it clear that she comes AFTER my mom leaves. Our house is big but not that big!

TheSouffleGirl · January 2019

So... any advice for STMs from those who've BTDT?

I am a little terrified, because DD doesn't nap and doesn't really play by herself. I have no idea how I'm going to get up with her, feed her, and keep her entertained while I'm in that first month I spent on the couch last time. And there'll definitely be no binge watching anything but Puffin Rock for me!

...Maybe relatives are a better idea this time around?

rennie1108 · January 2019

@TheSouffleGirl no advice of course since I'm a FTM, but I just have to say I think anyone that has more than one child is a freakin rock star in my mind! I can barely handle this one pregnancy!

eli_belle · January 2019

@TheSouffleGirl Honestly it was pretty rough bringing home the second kid with no family support. With the first you could theoretically nap when the baby napped. When you also have a toddler...not so much. If I could I would ship off my first two for the first few weeks that would be ideal. Alas, DD is still in school. We will have family coming to stay with us off and on through the first few months. I wouldn't have been as okay with it as I am now given we now have a giant house complete with an entire guest suite in the finished basement. I will have a private area to nurse and my own bathroom. Honestly I don't even have to leave the upper level if I don't want to so I'm less worried about having family in my space. Also now that I have other kiddos my family isn't really coming to see me anyway. I just send the kiddos to the basement in the a.m. and everyone is happy.

thatbaintforbetty · January 2019

@TheSouffleGirl I’m going to bet that my DH isn’t getting any time off since hopefully he’ll be starting a job in the near future and therefore have no vacation/pto/etc. So it will just be me and DD and I had the same thoughts of I have no idea how I’m going to handle it but we don’t have room nor would I want anyone there. My parents are currently 5 min away and if we move to where I hope we do they will be 20 min. But my mom has my siblings a lot and we don’t like DD around my siblings if we can avoid it so probably not going to ask her to watch her much.

Im guessing lots of TV and snacks and coloring and not leaving the couch while supervising as much as possible. It’s going to be rough. DD is super excited though and has said she wants to help so I guess we’ll see how it goes.

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