TL;DR Some mushy stuff, tears, and deep psychological talk.
Last night, we were going through a bunch of stuff to clean out to get organized. A lot of old cards were found. Me; a saver of sentimental things, even movie tickets or pamphlets from a play we saw. Anyway, reading some of my Dad's messages in some of the cards from my Mom and then reading some of the cards that my Mom picked out for me... tears...so many tears.
I miss him so much that there has been serious neglect for the relationship that could be had with my Mom. The past two years have been all about his diagnosis, treatment, his passing, etc. and while all of that grief experienced is extremely valid, I'm missing out on her. She's still here. She deserves my love and attention, not my attitude problem. My Mom says and does a lot of stuff that upsets me, but when I say or do things to upset her, she never ever says a thing. She also has made mad attempts to place me in the Mother role which I've had to work very hard to change (my sister too). That's all very difficult because it creates guilt in me for asserting myself. It also makes it hard for me to really bond with her.
It's hard though being around her. I am a Daddy's girl and spent a lot of time with him growing up. It's difficult to relate to her. I think that pregnancy is bringing up a lot of these kinds of things for me. Thankfully I have the tools to work through them, but dayum, thinking about the various family dysfunction that exists... tears tears tears. All the tears. Here is a card and poem my Mom wrote for me on my 26th birthday (though I'm much older now). She does have her Mom moments.
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@suzycupcake that's beautiful. And totally worthy of the tears. I'm sorry you lost your Dad. I can't imagine.
I can't say I have anything close to as legitimate as that. I bawled my face off because the robot in a Netflix TV show died. My DH tried hard not to laugh, and just be supportive
@chillycanadian I legit laughed out loud and awwww'd when I read that last bit. Hugs.
People think we become mothers when we give birth but the truth is we become mothers the moment we start calling our babies to us in our thoughts, dreams and prayers. Some paths are short and some are so long that you can easily forget where you were headed.
How I feel all of the time. My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI Back on Levothyroxine FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt, 1st Beta on 7dpt 93 2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule. Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017 New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
@suzycupcake I feel for you. I am blessed to have both of my parents, but I am the opposite in that I am very close to my mom but I struggle with my dad due to past abuse. It's hard connecting with a parent that you have not always had the best relationship with.
I'm crying because I've been watching the 9 Months That Made You docuseries on Netflix, and the human interest stories get me every time.
@suzycupcake My dad has been gone for nearly 9 years now. The missing him never goes away, but it does get easier in time. The memories make you smile again one day.
I'm crying because DH is going out in a snowstorm because of his stupid sense of obligation to help others. I'm really worried, even though he assures me is not that bad out yet. The annoying part is that the stupid sense of obligation is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, so really I have no one to blame but myself.
We just watched Blackkklansman and the footage at the very end (I don't think it's a big spoiler but I won't go into detail), made me lose it. I don't know how much being pregnant had to do with it though.
I was crying from stress while I was rocking DD before bed. I kissed her forehead and she just grabbed my finger and held on to it for a few minutes, which made me cry more. And I'm tearing up as I type this....
Hugs, @suzycupcake. Losing a parent is so hard. And that poem was so sweet. Try not to beat yourself up too much; grief does weird things to people and I am sure your mama understands you've been processing your feelings and grief for your dad.
*************************************** FORMER USERNAME:@runningisrad
@hey_clever_girl I can't believe you just now watched the greatest showman! But I'm obsessed lol. Saw it 6 or 7 times in theaters. Bought it and watch it far too often. It's on sometimes in the van and we pipe the sound over the speakers. And dd1 sleeps with the soundtrack on every night. I blame it on the kids, not me. Haha. Also, dd1s last party was greatest showman themed.
@sourlemon I’d been meaning to watch it forever, but finally got some time alone (husband had no interest) so I took advantage and watched it. I loved it so much!!!
*************************************** FORMER USERNAME:@runningisrad
deecherise
member
Re: Why Am I Crying? 1.11.19
Last night, we were going through a bunch of stuff to clean out to get organized. A lot of old cards were found. Me; a saver of sentimental things, even movie tickets or pamphlets from a play we saw. Anyway, reading some of my Dad's messages in some of the cards from my Mom and then reading some of the cards that my Mom picked out for me... tears...so many tears.
I miss him so much that there has been serious neglect for the relationship that could be had with my Mom. The past two years have been all about his diagnosis, treatment, his passing, etc. and while all of that grief experienced is extremely valid, I'm missing out on her. She's still here. She deserves my love and attention, not my attitude problem. My Mom says and does a lot of stuff that upsets me, but when I say or do things to upset her, she never ever says a thing. She also has made mad attempts to place me in the Mother role which I've had to work very hard to change (my sister too). That's all very difficult because it creates guilt in me for asserting myself. It also makes it hard for me to really bond with her.
It's hard though being around her. I am a Daddy's girl and spent a lot of time with him growing up. It's difficult to relate to her. I think that pregnancy is bringing up a lot of these kinds of things for me. Thankfully I have the tools to work through them, but dayum, thinking about the various family dysfunction that exists... tears tears tears. All the tears. Here is a card and poem my Mom wrote for me on my 26th birthday (though I'm much older now). She does have her Mom moments.
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
I can't say I have anything close to as legitimate as that.
I bawled my face off because the robot in a Netflix TV show died. My DH tried hard not to laugh, and just be supportive
My 7 Year Journey ***Tw in spoiler***
IVF #1 - September 2018; Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide & Lupron/HCG combo trigger; PGS; ICSI
Back on Levothyroxine
FET #1 - October 2018; cancelled, all PGS aneuploid
FET #1 - November 30th, transferred anyway
Wondfo BFP 5dp5dt, CB Digi 6dpt,
1st Beta on 7dpt 93
2nd Beta on 10dpt 510!
TTC #1 since 2011. Tried for 5 years before we knew there was a one year rule.
Diag w/MS 2016; w/PCOS & IF 2017
New RE 2018; PCOS diagnosis taken away, IF due to ovary adhesions, but prev. RE insists PCOS IF
IUI
IUI #1 July 2017 w/100mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #2 October 2017 w/50mg Clo+trigger; BFN; benched w/big cysts
IUI #3 February 2018 w/5mg Femara+trigger; low P
BFP February; mc March; Subclinical hypothyroid started Levothyroxine
IUI #4 March 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Medicated cycle & TI April 2018 w/7.5mg Femara+trigger; BFN
Tried several cycles on our own; all BFN
I'm crying because I've been watching the 9 Months That Made You docuseries on Netflix, and the human interest stories get me every time.
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad
The annoying part is that the stupid sense of obligation is one of the things that made me fall in love with him, so really I have no one to blame but myself.
And I'm tearing up as I type this....
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad