I don't know, I feel like I'm a fairly regular reader/commenter, particularly in the weekly thread, but 50 votes seems like a lot. I certainly can't think of 50 March 2019 screen names off the top of my head. Maybe 25 would be more realistic?
Ugh, I'm sorry everyone, I realize "gatekeepers" isn't the right word, and I used it first, so my bad. My head is so full right now into Nicu life that I wrote down the year 2017 on my 5am pumped bottle of milk this morning. The nurse brought it over and had a good giggle at me, but yeah, I have no idea what's going on half the time. I'm also a newb on the whole private group transition thing, having missed it with my other kids, but I'm really excited about it because this group is amazing. I'm up for whatever the group decides.
@gowenc I just meant that we can probably expect 50 people or less in our collective groups because we got 50 votes on the before/after FB/Bump poll at the beginning of this thread.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
In my other BMB one of the moms took charge of the transition to facebook. If she didn't immediately recognize someone who requested to join she put it out to the group, and if at least a handful of people did recognize them they were in. I think if we have a group of 3-5 mods they can probably identify who's who.
Sounds like a good plan to me! I think five is a good number. And agree to move to a private board, then decide if we want to FB transition at some point.
I think we should split simultaneously to make it the most fair to those that don’t want to go to a private bump group. It would be worth it to me to sort through all the DMs to continue to allow for participation of more than just a few regulars. Other BMBs have done it that way. But I am clearly in the minority, and I’m feeling super irritable so I’m not interested in engaging in the topic further. There is no way a group of people of this size are going to all agree.
[spoiler=TW in signature]
Me: 36, DH 37.
August 2014- 6w MMC
July 2015- CP
PCOS, plus some medical issues that make me high risk.
I think what @mayoduck proposed is fair, makes sense, and balances the concerns people have raised regarding privacy with still hopefully allowing/encouraging semi-regulars to participate.
I’m a FTM and new to all this so defer to STM+ re process and timing. When do y’all anticipate the transition will occur? As an aside, I checked my registry this evening and was reminded that my due date is only 66 days away - so crazy!
This will be my first time trying to transition to a private board (my previous pregnancies went right to facebook and, since I'm not a facebook user, I was left in the dust), but I think the idea of "voting up" moderators and transitioning sooner rather than later is a good one.
I’m with the majority here. I’m easy on what platform we move to since I use both but I agree that I like the idea of a private bump group first to be able to reveal more about ourselves and share more comfortably, and then move to Facebook later since Facebook is a bit more personal. I like the idea of an odd number of mods and of 5-10 “votes” for people who want to make the transition! Or, if the mods want to add who they recognize and out other less known names out to the private group to vouch for, that works for me too!
I am bump illiterate, like I hate the platform so much!! There are ads everywhere and it logs me out all the time and I don’t get tag notifications so I can’t even follow conversations. I strongly recommend a Facebook group so I can actually connect with you ladies
This is how I feel. I vote before babies/Facebook.
Well, we’d need to pick our mods. Then we can start the loveit vote system if that’s the way we want to do it. Then the mods can open a private group and start sending/accepting members. Whether the fb group opens at the same time or after a little bit in the PG depends on everyone’s preference.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
Also, for anyone who is going the FB route, we have really only have a few simple guidelines in our J17 group, that have worked well for us. It’s probably a good idea to have some in place BEFORE issues arise, not after. All of our “rules” were an afterthought.
1) Semi-regular participation is necessary to remain within the group.
I copied and pasted the verbiage about participation right from our group:
In regards to activity. Please note the line that states we will ONLY look at activity if there is a concern.
The level of activity considered active is 8 posts/month – including comments and separate posts. Activity will only be looked at if there is a concern. If you are concerned about another member’s activity, please PM that member or an admin who will do so.
o The process for alerting a member their activity is below 8 posts/month, and has been inquired about is as follows:
▪ 1. PM to the member
▪ 2. Public post on J17, with member tagged
• A public post will read: “Hello (name)! We want to reach out to you to see how things are. As we discussed via PM, there are some concerns about your participation. We want to make sure all is well, and that you want to be a part of our group. –J17 Admins”
▪ 3. Removal from J17, with group informed
▪ There will be one month’s time between each “step” of the process, to allow for an increase in participation.
The other ones I’m just sort of paraphrasing..
2) You have to alert a mod if you plan on taking a break from the group or deactivating Facebook. If you hair flip over a debate and leave the group, you most likely won’t be allowed back in.
3) No drama on other members’ personal pages. If you don’t like what they are posting, don’t be friends with them. This is grounds for dismissal.
4) Mods can turn off comments or delete comments if anything gets nasty. (This has literally happened once.)
@mayoduck We are usually so tame, but there have been a few GBCFB moments!
The most memorable ones were a very heated discussions about “cry it out” when the babies were less than 3 months, a sanctimommy scolding others for lying to their kids, and voter ID laws. Oh, and there was one girl who was just an AW and insufferable brat who got called out for it and wasn’t pleased!
@Lbloom@swanbrooner thanks. I’d love to help. I’m a good administrator but don’t deal too great with conflict. Haha. I’ve also not done a fb transition, so that would be new ground for me.
swanbrooner those rules seem reasonable. And the no soliciting/asking for group funding/fundraising rule.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
@meggyme My vote is for you too! You've been wonderful at getting this board going and very active. Maybe best to have different admins for here and FB, since it seems split who prefers to go where. Then would be a whole lot easier to maintain.
TTC #1 since April 2015 June 2016 - CP 2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's IVF w/ PGS - January 2018 FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN ERA Cycle May / June 2018 ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change) FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410 U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166 Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19 EDD March 28, 2019 Baby Girl born 3/26/19
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
@mamakate1616 I'm not sure 3rdtime_charmed would be up for it right now. She posted the other day she was taking a break for a moment as she's going thru a little rough patch. Hopefully she does come back soon and joins us
TTC #1 since April 2015 June 2016 - CP 2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's IVF w/ PGS - January 2018 FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN ERA Cycle May / June 2018 ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change) FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410 U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166 Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19 EDD March 28, 2019 Baby Girl born 3/26/19
Oh no! I missed that one. Here I thought I was keeping up with everyone’s posts!
Me: 30 DH: 31 Married: 2012 BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
I'm good with the suggestions for mods. I know I'm not a 'regular,' but it's because I'm mostly mobile and my app is the worst. It's a lot easier for me to participate in FB groups. I still talk to about 15 girls from D15 every single day. I will be sad if I can't be a part of this group wherever it moves, but I'll understand if that's how you guys want to play it since I haven't been participating as much as most of the ladies in here. I loved having the community to talk to and ask for advice when DS was born; I think it's really helpful to have a group of people also dealing with the newborn stage and sleeping/ feeding issues.
So I’ve been trying to unplug to see if it would help my mood, but it didn’t and my week got worse, so I’m back. Thanks to all of you for your support even when I wasn’t present!! In short, after 4 years of wanting to be pregnant and/or stay pregnant, my pregnancy has been super complicated and I’m just grieving that I can’t experience it with the joy that should come from a normal physiological process, and I’m feeling a tiny bit jealous/resentful towards those that don’t have an understanding of that, and reexperiencing that feeling from my prior losses. It’s all kind of complicated.
Im happy to be a mod for the Facebook group at least, I already run the page for my local museum and have some other experience there. I haven’t started a group, just made individual adds as requested. I’ve used Facebook for about ten years now as an admin in various roles and just don’t have bad stories to tell. I personally think when someone is anonymous, they can behave much worse, but I get the internet safety concerns.
That said, I think there are many that have valid concerns about their ability to be judged a regular because the app just doesn’t work for them, and that’s why I’m most concerned about limiting access to the Facebook group by starting with the bump private group first...
I also think that if we use the rules that @swanbrooner suggested then it might allow for some to join the Facebook group even if they haven’t been regulars up until now, and then we will have a process to sort out the problem children should it happen. But all those that have so far posted that they aren’t sure they would make the cut are mostly people that I do recognize and would be fine.
If we want to get it all sorted out “before babies” we need to get moving though, some of us aren’t going to have very much longer without babies.
[spoiler=TW in signature]
Me: 36, DH 37.
August 2014- 6w MMC
July 2015- CP
PCOS, plus some medical issues that make me high risk.
@3rdtime_charmed I was thinking something similar earlier. When we move to Facebook, it’s essentially starting over anyway. As long as there are no red flags (brand new or sketchy Facebook accounts that scream catfish) or if they’ve literally never posted here before, I don’t know how strict we really should be about who gets to join in.
This board has been so mild. I can only think of a problematic poster off the top of my head, and I don’t think she’s been around at all in awhile and has maybe popped up 2-3 times, period.
In terms of the rules, one thing I don't really agree with is enforcing a certain number of posts per month. I feel this might lead to artificial posts, +1 comments etc, as opposed to useful and constructive contributions. I do post a lot in my Oct15 FB group, but only when I actually feel the need and when I have something to say and think it might help a fellow mom.
Here are the rules we have pinned in my Oct15 group, I feel they promote inclusion and a judgement-free environment and we can try to adapt some to our group as well:
1. No mommy wars! We are here to love and support each other. No one way is the only way to care for a child.
2. All opinions will be treated with mutual respect, unless they are hurtful, degrading, etc. Treat your fellow group members with that same respect.
3. If a member personally attacks another member with words that are harmful, threatening or not in-line with our mutual respect policy, that member will receive a warning. Three warnings and you will be removed from the group. If you are the person being personally attacked, please bring it to the attention of one of the admins immediately.
4. Do not post graphic or disturbing photos, videos and other media in this group. If you are not sure about the content that you want to post, please contact one of the admins. (Breastfeeding photos are welcome!)
5. There will be no shaming of breastfeeding mothers, whether they cover or not, nurse in public, etc. There will be no shaming of bottle feeding mothers. You do not know why they are doing so, nor should it matter. We are all doing our best for our children's and family's needs.
6. Do not post personal contact information on the group's wall. This includes phone numbers, street addresses, etc. If you wish to share this information, please do so in a private message.
7. If you are going to comment, we would prefer it if you could try and add valuable discussion to the conversation. Be friendly, be fair and use common sense.
8. Hateful or discriminatory comments regarding race, ethnicity, religion, gender, disability, sexual orientation or political beliefs will not be tolerated. Violation of this rule is grounds for removal from the group.
9. Advertisement - This includes, but is not limited to: businesses, photo contests, and petitions. On the first day of each month, it will be considered "Business Day". On this day advertisements are allowed in the group. One of the admins will start a thread for the group to contribute to, and each business may post one comment with their advertisement. Any questions in regards to the advertisements need to be done in private message in order to make the thread easy to follow. Any advertisements posted on days other than "Business Day" will be removed and the poster will be given a warning. After three warnings, it is grounds for removal from the group. (Giving away formula or coupons for formula is not considered advertisement and may be done any day of the month without repercussion.)
10. Respect our admins. (This also means do not block any of the admins. You get one warning and if they are not unblocked within 24 hours, it will result in your removal from the group.) If you feel that you have been wrongfully removed from the group, or a comment/post that you have made should not have been deleted, bring it to the attention of <group creator name> and the situation will be reviewed.
I do think that some sort of activity requirement is good. In our June16 private group I recently removed half of our members because they hadn’t even logged in to the bump in several months. What about a lower post requirement, like even as low as once or twice a month. That way, even if a post is just to say “hey life’s been nuts but I’m still here” it’s still an activity.
I also think that the other stipulation of “we have this rule but it will only be enforced if someone complains” is a good one. That way no one is counting posts monthly, but if someone notices that a member hasn’t posted in 3 months they can bring it up, the member in question will get ample notice that they’re not participating, and honestly if someone isn’t active can they really be that mad that they get removed? They might as well be lurking a public board at that point because they’re not missing out on any personal connections. They’re still welcome to contact any individuals that they have become friends with in the process, just not privy to the group’s discussion.
DD1: June '16 DD2: March ‘19 :::: Married since 2011 :::: USN Wife ::::
If we do kind of just open it up to anyone who has posted here occasionally and doesn’t send off red flags though, I think some kind of posting minimum would be necessary for the same reasons @meggyme said. It doesn’t mean they’d have to automatically get the axe, but there is no reason to keep a bunch of inactive members or lurkers.
I agree with @meggyme and @swanbrooner . I don't want to make it hard for people to join and obviously we all have lives and things come up and you need to take a social media break or what have you but it's not really fair to have a bunch of people lurking, taking in information but never giving anything back.
I'm good with the suggestions for mods. I know I'm not a 'regular,' but it's because I'm mostly mobile and my app is the worst. It's a lot easier for me to participate in FB groups. I still talk to about 15 girls from D15 every single day. I will be sad if I can't be a part of this group wherever it moves, but I'll understand if that's how you guys want to play it since I haven't been participating as much as most of the ladies in here. I loved having the community to talk to and ask for advice when DS was born; I think it's really helpful to have a group of people also dealing with the newborn stage and sleeping/ feeding issues.
Agreed with @flyingmombula re hoping to continue participating post-transition despite not being a regular. I believe @navete and others have expressed similar sentiments. While I have struggled to juggle a few crazy life events during this pregnancy, I have always enjoyed checking in and showing support through “Love its”, even though I did not post as frequently. I also found it difficult to meaningfully contribute at times - as a FTM, I have had many more questions than answers and feel like a sponge soaking up all of your helpful insights and recommendations. But I totally understand wanting participation to be mutual and believe the suggestions have been fair and conscientious.
In any event, I’m really appreciative of all of the support you ladies have provided throughout my pregnancy and I hope to continue building bonds and learning from each of you after LO arrives.
Thank you to all the regs for keeping this board going as I know y’all have hectic, amazing lives too!
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like everyone has different ideas of what a "regular" is and those who post less often tend to have a definition that excludes them. I post more often than most and I can't tell you the number of times someone said they were "not a regular" and I was surprised they thought so. In my opinion, if you have posted enough that I recognize your username, you're a "regular" and honestly, it doesn't take as much as you think to create that username recognition. For me, "regular" mainly excludes people who either have never posted or only posted a few times in the whole ~6 months that this board has been active.
I agree with @mayoduck ! @flyingmombula@beachbaby0523 I definitely recognize you girls! Just because people may not post as often, I agree that if you've posted enough that we recognize you...then you are good
TTC #1 since April 2015 June 2016 - CP 2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's IVF w/ PGS - January 2018 FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN ERA Cycle May / June 2018 ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change) FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410 U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166 Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19 EDD March 28, 2019 Baby Girl born 3/26/19
Re: Facebook/Private Group When&Where
But I am clearly in the minority, and I’m feeling super irritable so I’m not interested in engaging in the topic further. There is no way a group of people of this size are going to all agree.
[spoiler=TW in signature]
Me: 36, DH 37.
August 2014- 6w MMC
July 2015- CP
PCOS, plus some medical issues that make me high risk.
Our rainbow babies are due 3/21!!!!!
[/spoiler]
I’m a FTM and new to all this so defer to STM+ re process and timing. When do y’all anticipate the transition will occur? As an aside, I checked my registry this evening and was reminded that my due date is only 66 days away - so crazy!
Jack gained his wings on 09/02/2016.
Kali gained her wings on 07/28/2015.
They will be forever missed.
1) Semi-regular participation is necessary to remain within the group.
I copied and pasted the verbiage about participation right from our group:
The other ones I’m just sort of paraphrasing..
3) No drama on other members’ personal pages. If you don’t like what they are posting, don’t be friends with them. This is grounds for dismissal.
4) Mods can turn off comments or delete comments if anything gets nasty. (This has literally happened once.)
The most memorable ones were a very heated discussions about “cry it out” when the babies were less than 3 months, a sanctimommy scolding others for lying to their kids, and voter ID laws. Oh, and there was one girl who was just an AW and insufferable brat who got called out for it and wasn’t pleased!
swanbrooner those rules seem reasonable. And the no soliciting/asking for group funding/fundraising rule.
June 2016 - CP
2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's
IVF w/ PGS - January 2018
FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN
ERA Cycle May / June 2018
ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change)
FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410
U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166
Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19
EDD March 28, 2019
Baby Girl born 3/26/19
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
June 2016 - CP
2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's
IVF w/ PGS - January 2018
FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN
ERA Cycle May / June 2018
ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change)
FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410
U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166
Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19
EDD March 28, 2019
Baby Girl born 3/26/19
Married: 2012
BFP #1 Sept 2014, MMC Dec 2014 | BFP #2 May 2015, DD Jan 2016 | BFP #3 May 2017, MC July 2017 | BFP #4 Jan 2018, MC Feb 2018 | BFP #5 July 2018, fingers crossed
Im happy to be a mod for the Facebook group at least, I already run the page for my local museum and have some other experience there. I haven’t started a group, just made individual adds as requested. I’ve used Facebook for about ten years now as an admin in various roles and just don’t have bad stories to tell. I personally think when someone is anonymous, they can behave much worse, but I get the internet safety concerns.
That said, I think there are many that have valid concerns about their ability to be judged a regular because the app just doesn’t work for them, and that’s why I’m most concerned about limiting access to the Facebook group by starting with the bump private group first...
I also think that if we use the rules that @swanbrooner suggested then it might allow for some to join the Facebook group even if they haven’t been regulars up until now, and then we will have a process to sort out the problem children should it happen. But all those that have so far posted that they aren’t sure they would make the cut are mostly people that I do recognize and would be fine.
If we want to get it all sorted out “before babies” we need to get moving though, some of us aren’t going to have very much longer without babies.
[spoiler=TW in signature]
Me: 36, DH 37.
August 2014- 6w MMC
July 2015- CP
PCOS, plus some medical issues that make me high risk.
Our rainbow babies are due 3/21!!!!!
[/spoiler]
This board has been so mild. I can only think of a problematic poster off the top of my head, and I don’t think she’s been around at all in awhile and has maybe popped up 2-3 times, period.
This is just my lone opinion, of course.
Here are the rules we have pinned in my Oct15 group, I feel they promote inclusion and a judgement-free environment and we can try to adapt some to our group as well:
1. No mommy wars! We are here to love and support each other. No one way is the only way to care for a child.
2. All opinions will be treated with mutual respect, unless they are hurtful, degrading, etc. Treat your fellow group members with that same respect.
3. If a member personally attacks another member with words that are harmful, threatening or not in-line with our mutual respect policy, that member will receive a warning. Three warnings and you will be removed from the group. If you are the person being personally attacked, please bring it to the attention of one of the admins immediately.
4. Do not post graphic or disturbing photos, videos and other media in this group. If you are not sure about the content that you want to post, please contact one of the admins. (Breastfeeding photos are welcome!)
5. There will be no shaming of breastfeeding mothers, whether they cover or not, nurse in public, etc. There will be no shaming of bottle feeding mothers. You do not know why they are doing so, nor should it matter. We are all doing our best for our children's and family's needs.
6. Do not post personal contact information on the group's wall. This includes phone numbers, street addresses, etc. If you wish to share this information, please do so in a private message.
7. If you are going to comment, we would prefer it if you could try and add valuable discussion to the conversation. Be friendly, be fair and use common sense.
8. Hateful or discriminatory comments regarding race, ethnicity, religion, gender, disability, sexual orientation or political beliefs will not be tolerated. Violation of this rule is grounds for removal from the group.
9. Advertisement - This includes, but is not limited to: businesses, photo contests, and petitions. On the first day of each month, it will be considered "Business Day". On this day advertisements are allowed in the group. One of the admins will start a thread for the group to contribute to, and each business may post one comment with their advertisement. Any questions in regards to the advertisements need to be done in private message in order to make the thread easy to follow. Any advertisements posted on days other than "Business Day" will be removed and the poster will be given a warning. After three warnings, it is grounds for removal from the group. (Giving away formula or coupons for formula is not considered advertisement and may be done any day of the month without repercussion.)
10. Respect our admins. (This also means do not block any of the admins. You get one warning and if they are not unblocked within 24 hours, it will result in your removal from the group.) If you feel that you have been wrongfully removed from the group, or a comment/post that you have made should not have been deleted, bring it to the attention of <group creator name> and the situation will be reviewed.
I also think that the other stipulation of “we have this rule but it will only be enforced if someone complains” is a good one. That way no one is counting posts monthly, but if someone notices that a member hasn’t posted in 3 months they can bring it up, the member in question will get ample notice that they’re not participating, and honestly if someone isn’t active can they really be that mad that they get removed? They might as well be lurking a public board at that point because they’re not missing out on any personal connections. They’re still welcome to contact any individuals that they have become friends with in the process, just not privy to the group’s discussion.
Agreed with @flyingmombula re hoping to continue participating post-transition despite not being a regular. I believe @navete and others have expressed similar sentiments. While I have struggled to juggle a few crazy life events during this pregnancy, I have always enjoyed checking in and showing support through “Love its”, even though I did not post as frequently. I also found it difficult to meaningfully contribute at times - as a FTM, I have had many more questions than answers and feel like a sponge soaking up all of your helpful insights and recommendations. But I totally understand wanting participation to be mutual and believe the suggestions have been fair and conscientious.
In any event, I’m really appreciative of all of the support you ladies have provided throughout my pregnancy and I hope to continue building bonds and learning from each of you after LO arrives.
Thank you to all the regs for keeping this board going as I know y’all have hectic, amazing lives too!
ETA to address typos.
June 2016 - CP
2017 - Medicated Cycles & IUI's
IVF w/ PGS - January 2018
FET #1 - April 2018 - BFN
ERA Cycle May / June 2018
ERA Biopsy June 2018 ~ Results: receptive (no change)
FET #2 - July 2018 - BFP Beta #1 - 137 Beta #2 - 410
U/S #1 7wk1d - HB 144 U/S #2 9w1d HB 166
Anatomy Scan 1st 11/2/18 2nd AS 11/19
EDD March 28, 2019
Baby Girl born 3/26/19