@cindler I read a book, Moms on Call, that I found helpful. Some parts were great, other parts I just skipped over, but I think that’ll be true of any parenting book. What everyone has said about instincts and figuring it out as you go, is very true. Babies are also constantly changing and I always felt what worked one day, didn’t work the next week, so you adjust. Even though this will be number 3 for me, I know that this baby will be completely different than my first two and I’ll have to find what works for us this go around.
These boards are tremendously helpful, and it’s nice to know that everyone is going through this together.
Definitely use your public library to look through different books - those add up! If you find one you really like, then it's worth investing in the purchase. I feel like I spent so much money on sleep habit books lol
@ccmama3 I like the idea of an app. One thing I want to try and avoid is the comparing my kid to where he/she "should" be. I always try to do my own thing regardless of trends or what others are doing. I hope I can keep my parenting that way too!
@cindler The best thing I did before having DD was to make an appointment with the lactation consultant. I ended up seeing her multiple times after (she was the one who cut DD's tongue tie as well as helping with feeding when my milk didn't come in etc). Honestly I did nothing else to prepare other than to use the ladies in my BMB as a resource. All babies are different. You will figure it out. But my BMB was the best place for information for me because I got so many different perspectives and experiences.
This is pretty random, but I am 10w5d and already have quite a stomach (I know it's too early to be a bump), despite having a slender body type (5'6, 135) I have suffered with GI issues (before pregnancy and during) that cause tremendous distension in my abdomen which has me looking 5 months pregnant at times. I already look between 4-5 months pregnant currently, and my question is once the baby is taking up space in there, is it possible to have distension ON TOP of the baby? For instance, I am worried my stomach will split open from all the pressure. It is already so big without a baby taking up room, I am so scared of how my GI issues will continue when the baby is nearing full size. For those of you who suffer from bloating/gas distension, did that stop once the baby is large or did you have both?
@julybaybay We are almost the exact same height/weight and I've got the same gut issues going on. I did not notice any gas/bloating later in pregnancy but I honestly think if there was, it would be below the bump.
@cindler one thing that I know I enjoyed was watching some different YouTube bloggers talk about their own personal after baby care. Like what they did and needed for their own bodies. That was so helpful because no one ever talks about it!
@julybaybay I feel like my stomach issues we’re the worst in first trimester then weren’t as painful. My bloating is unreal with ibs and once I actually start showing it isn’t as bad
Love love love the wonder weeks app. It mostly gave reasons to the moments when the baby was making me insane- and the timelines were eerily accurate, so it was good to know about the light at the end of the tunnel.
@cindler - I really liked Happiest Baby on the Block as a book for what to expect post-part/4th trimester and also the Wonder Weeks app as mentioned. My first was colicky so the tips in Happiest Baby helped a lot.
@shawnacrest I didn’t get them the first time around but I did get them the second time around. My first baby was 7 pounds and my second was over 9. They got even worse after I had the baby. Then I gained a whole bunch of weight after pregnancy then lost it all so mine are especially bad now. I’m sure they’ll get even worse this time around because of all of the sudden changes my body has been through these past 4 years.
@shawnacrest I found mine mostly just got purple/red and angry again from (they had started to fade and turn silvery from previous pregnancies. A couple of them did get a tiny bit deeper and longer.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Ok guys, time to get real. The fear of life and my relationship totally changing is setting in. What is the worst part of parenting and/or what part of parenting do you and your SO struggle with the most?
@cindler The biggest thing is setting real expectations for roles and responsibilities after your LO is born. Ask your DH what he envisions for himself and for you, share your thoughts, work out a happy middleground.
Another big piece was making sure that a) we took time to ourselves, and for a while that meant that we each got 2-3 hours to disappear without judgement each weekend and b) having a babysitter lined up so that we could get out of the house together as a real couple. I especially enjoyed day dates, we'd grab brunch and checkin with each other about how we're doing and just bond over self growth stuff.
And you may need to schedule sex.
I say all this based on what a rollercoaster of troubles DH and I had because we really didn't talk enough about how things might change, how we wanted things to be, etc, before our son arrived. It took us about 2 years to rebound and now we're as strong as ever.
@cindler parenting did change our relationship, but for the better for us. Parenting is tough at times, the guilt and fear if you are doing stuff right is probably the hardest part.
Communication is so important and H and I are very open with each other. We make sure to never undermind the other, especially in front of the kids. If we don't agree with how one of us handles something we wait till later in private, talk about it and come up with a better way for next time.
Also with my first I got in the habit of just doing everything because I could "do it better". Biggest mistake. This caused a lot of resentment on both mine and H's part. Mine because I was doing everything and H's because his way was never good enough.
Being upfront about what I want and need help with, letting go, realizing that my way isn't the only way, and letting H figure out how to handle stuff in his own way helped soo much!
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Like @nopegoat I started doing everything for my son while I was home on maternity leave and that quickly just became our way of life. If I could go back and undo that I would. I’m worried about how that is going to play out once baby number 2 comes along. My husband works from home and has light days once or twice a week so he gets to lunch out early and go hit golf balls. I work a ton, commute 80 miles a day, do daycare drop off and pick up, and do all of the daily care tasks with our son. I often feel like we are living two very different lives. The more balance you can have in the beginning the better off you’ll be.
@nopegoat@NicholeL16 I have experienced that too with trying to do it all myself because I felt I was doing it better. I had read somewhere recently that it's important to allow the non-birthing partner to really step in as much as they want in those first few weeks and months, and not to criticize them or else they develop insecurity and no longer want to participate for fear of messing up.
@cindler, I found the lack of sleep made us both very nippy at each other. Neither of us were very patient with the other. It really took a toll after our first. We figured it out by the time she was a more regular sleeper (and I wasn't breast feeding), and things were much easier with #2.
I also struggled with the difference between what being a mom would be like it my head, and what it actually was. There is all this excitement that leads up to having the baby, you are getting ready for maternity leave, decorating the nursery, everyone is fawning all over you...then for us, we had this fussy baby, we weren't sleeping, we were arguing. It was a big shock to my system. But once the hormones settled and we found our routine, things fell into place. Just don't let yourself despair in the beginning, it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed.
Momma to Amelia Marie (7/14) and Austin Samuel (11/17). Adding baby (girl) #3 on 7/21
The lack of sleep was definitely the hardest adjustment for our relationship, I just resented him sleeping so much even though I knew he had to get up at 430am for work so he needed the rest and I was on mat leave so I had the option to sleep during the day. It still makes you resentful when you’re overtired and your partner is snoozing. The thing that helped was him getting up with her in the early morning on the weekends so I could sleep in, somehow knowing I had those 2 days to catch up on sleep got me through the rough weeks. I’m so glad we discussed stuff like that before she was born so it was easier to stick to it afterwards rather than just navigating it as it came.
My only advice would be to honestly discuss what each of you expects from the other and what you think you’ll each need for yourselves, like maybe an hour a day of alone time each where the other partner takes on the baby duties. Also if I could go back I would have prepared DH for how hormonal and emotional I would be after birth, I should have known but I honestly never thought about it and I don’t think he had any idea how to deal with my emotions because everything was so intense. If I could do it over again I would get him to read up on what the first few weeks and months postpartum is like for mother’s and how intense the emotions can be so he’d be better prepared.
@cindler the best advice we got from our couples counselor pre baby was to take ending the relationship off the table for a full year- and to remember that in the middle of the night your partner isn’t the enemy, the baby is the enemy. 😂 I know it sounds a bit alarmist, and it’s not like the year was all awful or anything, but it did rock us pretty hard. There were plenty of things that needed to be addressed but also sometimes just putting my head down for a week or whatever would solve the issue on its own. Sleep deprevation doesn’t always make for great communication. We hit a year and looked back and were like- we made it through that insanity! We’re much stronger and more in love now than we were prebaby- so for us it was really really hard in the beginning but ultimately has made us better than I could have imagined. 💜
Discussing expectations is so important!! We never did that with my first, and i was annoyed with him for not doing things I thought he should do, even though we never discussed it. Allow your SO to do things their own way. They won’t do things exactly like you, but it’s important that they take on a role in taking care of baby.
Say yes to help and no to people who just want to sit on your couch and hold your newborn. I felt so rude telling people they couldn’t come over to visit, but quickly learned that my needs and my families were more important than people wanting to meet the baby.
Thanks for all the responses! I know baby is going to turn life upside down for awhile, but I also know that once we can establish a routine, life will get easier.
The hardest part was definitely the newborn phase and the abrupt change to no more "me" time on both sides. My recs are to switch off with baby overnight so that each person gets some stretch of sleep, hire help or family or trade off so that you can schedule time to your self (like, to shower. Or pee. Or *gasp* leave the house). Don't fall into the trap of 'I do this better/I have boobs so I'll just put the baby down'. Make sure you both learn how to do things in your own way but then don't micromanage your partner. The newborn phase was really isolating actually and I don't have a good reason why... maybe just because it's so hard to leave the house when you have to feed/change/nap on a continuous 3 hour cycle.
Lots of good advice here!! I would also add vocalizing as much as possible what your plans are and asking your husband to do so as well (I.e. Saturday, I am the one who will wake up with baby and take him out on errands while you sleep a bit more). This really helpped both of us be able to actually relax and enjoy those few moments we had to ourselves without feeling guilty .
Agree with a lot of others, the sleep deprivation is the hardest!! It makes everyone grumpy and more sensitive to the little things. One thing I think we did pretty well, especially when we only had one, is still going out and doing things! We would go out to eat, go to target, just go on drives, grocery shopping together, etc. starting at 1-2 weeks old. Because of this our little ones were much more adaptable to being on the go. So don't be afraid to get out and do something even if you have to bring along your babe!
+1 to others comments. I will say I did things a little differently. Since I was off for a year on mat leave and SO was working, I did everything. Plus his work hours are crazy so really it has been just me and DD 99.9% of the time since she was born. My work hours are very family friendly so even when I went back to work it was still the same. SO does what he can when he's here but in our relationship I do the parenting and he takes care of the house etc. We talked about it before we had kids so we both knew the expectations going in. I kind of like being in charge of all the parenting decisions and letting SO do all the cleaning and property upkeep:) It works for us.
ETA plus when he is here he gives DD 100% focus and time so I get all of that time completely to myself.
Questions for STM+ moms, from a STM : How different were your first and second pregnancies? (Side note, did you have different genders?) What made them different? Was it only different in the first trimester? All three?
Asking because this pregnancy is so different from my first and it's freaking me out. With M, I was tired, sure, but starving, nauseated 24/7, craving mac'n'cheese, sore boobs, cramping from my ute growing, the works. VERY aware I was pregnant. This time around... almost nothing. I'm fatigued, but also have a 2yo and am constantly sick, and hungry, but also very very afraid that maybe it's just my illness eating up the calories and not my pregnancy. Baby looked strong and healthy heart beat of 164 at 8w4d, but loss brain is making me go crazy.
@foodislove This pregnancy is almost exactly the same as with DD. And it's another girl. Although I think I am slightly less sick than I was with DD. I'm also not as aware that I'm pregnant all the time like I was with my first. Every now and then it hits me and I'm like "oh right. There's a baby in there". But I also think that PGAL has a lot to do with feeling more detached this time. I keep waiting for something bad to happen which I think is preventing me from thinking about being pregnant too often.
@foodislove this pregnancy is different from my first.
With first I felt mostly normal thru the first tri but had some bad nausea and strong vegetable and meat aversions. I lost 6 lbs from being so nauseated.
This pregnancy im very bloated, very gassy, cramping, have had indigestion, mild nausea in waves and ravenous in waves with very few aversion issues. I’ve been able to eat veggies and even salads. No weight loss.
@foodislove My first two pregnancies were similar although they were different genders. My oldest were only 22 months apart born in back to back years. I was more tired with my second and craved different foods.
This third pregnancy I was severely nauseous all the time during the first tri. I've been sick with upper respiratory infections and/or sinus infections multiple times. Foods I love taste absolutely horrible and I've been completely exhausted.
@foodislove my first two pregnancies were identical, both boys. This one has been pretty much exactly the same, although maybe I’ve been slightly sicker this time.
I was not as aware of my pregnancy the second time around or this one. For me I think it had more to do with having a toddler to chase around. I get so caught up with the kids and house stuff that sometimes it isn’t until I sit down at night that I think “oh yeah, there’s a baby in there”
@foodislove (lurking from August) my 2 pregnancies were about as opposite as could be and both were girls. The only consistent thing was an aversion to coffee but almost all other symptoms were different. I was convinced dd2 was a boy because how different it was. But nope!
Glad to hear other women on here don't always feel pregnant. This is my first pregnancy and sometimes I'm very aware I'm pregnant and sometimes I'm totally normal. I'm sure I'll feel more and more pregnant as LO grows, but since this is my first go around, I have no idea what to expect and no clue what's "normal".
@foodislove my first two are both boys... with my second symptoms were much less/almost non-existent in first tri. Although my cravings were pretty similar. Like someone else said, I just forgot about being pregnant a lot the second time because I was so busy chasing around my toddler. I think it's normal you have another little one on your mind that you aren't constantly thinking about your pregnancy. Same with this time. I forget I'm pregnant a lot until everyone is in bed haha. Or my pants don't fit.
STMs in the US, what is the deal with health insurance for the newborn baby? I know this obviously varies by company and coverage benefits, but in general, are babies usually covered by mom's HI, or do you need to pre-register the fetus before it is born? Or are babies not usually covered at all? I have a message into my insurance company to get answers, but I would like to hear from you all about generally how it works and any warning signs or things to look out for to avoid not having coverage for the baby. Thanks!
@julybaybay Usually you have 30 days to add them to your insurance after birth. They will backtrack and cover everything (that's covered in your plan) during those 30 days.
Wife. Boy mom x6. Expecting #7. Wannabe homesteader. , 💙💙💙💙💙💙
@julybaybay In my experience with United Healthcare, the baby is covered for 30 days postpartum and during that time you have to submit the policy change through the employer who provides insurance. I previously had not notify them of pregnancy to be eligible for maternity benefits, but they do not operate that way anymore.
Thank you! @mamanbebe and @nopegoat so for those first few checkups in the week after birth, do you have to pay out of pocket to the doctor for the visit and the shots and whatever else they do? And then submit to insurance for reimbursement? Or do you tell the Dr. to bill you and then once the bill comes you send right to insurance after you have added the baby within the 30 day window?
Re: Ask a STM+ December
These boards are tremendously helpful, and it’s nice to know that everyone is going through this together.
@ccmama3 I like the idea of an app. One thing I want to try and avoid is the comparing my kid to where he/she "should" be. I always try to do my own thing regardless of trends or what others are doing. I hope I can keep my parenting that way too!
It mostly gave reasons to the moments when the baby was making me insane- and the timelines were eerily accurate, so it was good to know about the light at the end of the tunnel.
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
Another big piece was making sure that a) we took time to ourselves, and for a while that meant that we each got 2-3 hours to disappear without judgement each weekend and b) having a babysitter lined up so that we could get out of the house together as a real couple. I especially enjoyed day dates, we'd grab brunch and checkin with each other about how we're doing and just bond over self growth stuff.
And you may need to schedule sex.
I say all this based on what a rollercoaster of troubles DH and I had because we really didn't talk enough about how things might change, how we wanted things to be, etc, before our son arrived. It took us about 2 years to rebound and now we're as strong as ever.
Communication is so important and H and I are very open with each other. We make sure to never undermind the other, especially in front of the kids. If we don't agree with how one of us handles something we wait till later in private, talk about it and come up with a better way for next time.
Also with my first I got in the habit of just doing everything because I could "do it better". Biggest mistake. This caused a lot of resentment on both mine and H's part. Mine because I was doing everything and H's because his way was never good enough.
Being upfront about what I want and need help with, letting go, realizing that my way isn't the only way, and letting H figure out how to handle stuff in his own way helped soo much!
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙
I also struggled with the difference between what being a mom would be like it my head, and what it actually was. There is all this excitement that leads up to having the baby, you are getting ready for maternity leave, decorating the nursery, everyone is fawning all over you...then for us, we had this fussy baby, we weren't sleeping, we were arguing. It was a big shock to my system. But once the hormones settled and we found our routine, things fell into place. Just don't let yourself despair in the beginning, it's totally normal to feel overwhelmed.
My only advice would be to honestly discuss what each of you expects from the other and what you think you’ll each need for yourselves, like maybe an hour a day of alone time each where the other partner takes on the baby duties. Also if I could go back I would have prepared DH for how hormonal and emotional I would be after birth, I should have known but I honestly never thought about it and I don’t think he had any idea how to deal with my emotions because everything was so intense. If I could do it over again I would get him to read up on what the first few weeks and months postpartum is like for mother’s and how intense the emotions can be so he’d be better prepared.
We hit a year and looked back and were like- we made it through that insanity! We’re much stronger and more in love now than we were prebaby- so for us it was really really hard in the beginning but ultimately has made us better than I could have imagined. 💜
Say yes to help and no to people who just want to sit on your couch and hold your newborn. I felt so rude telling people they couldn’t come over to visit, but quickly learned that my needs and my families were more important than people wanting to meet the baby.
One thing I think we did pretty well, especially when we only had one, is still going out and doing things! We would go out to eat, go to target, just go on drives, grocery shopping together, etc. starting at 1-2 weeks old. Because of this our little ones were much more adaptable to being on the go. So don't be afraid to get out and do something even if you have to bring along your babe!
ETA plus when he is here he gives DD 100% focus and time so I get all of that time completely to myself.
Asking because this pregnancy is so different from my first and it's freaking me out. With M, I was tired, sure, but starving, nauseated 24/7, craving mac'n'cheese, sore boobs, cramping from my ute growing, the works. VERY aware I was pregnant. This time around... almost nothing. I'm fatigued, but also have a 2yo and am constantly sick, and hungry, but also very very afraid that maybe it's just my illness eating up the calories and not my pregnancy. Baby looked strong and healthy heart beat of 164 at 8w4d, but loss brain is making me go crazy.
With first I felt mostly normal thru the first tri but had some bad nausea and strong vegetable and meat aversions. I lost 6 lbs from being so nauseated.
This pregnancy im very bloated, very gassy, cramping, have had indigestion, mild nausea in waves and ravenous in waves with very few aversion issues. I’ve been able to eat veggies and even salads. No weight loss.
This third pregnancy I was severely nauseous all the time during the first tri. I've been sick with upper respiratory infections and/or sinus infections multiple times. Foods I love taste absolutely horrible and I've been completely exhausted.
I was not as aware of my pregnancy the second time around or this one. For me I think it had more to do with having a toddler to chase around. I get so caught up with the kids and house stuff that sometimes it isn’t until I sit down at night that I think “oh yeah, there’s a baby in there”
, 💙💙💙💙💙💙