Warning Dear diary ahead but I don't care. TW ectopic pregnancy briefly mentioned.
I selfishly started this because I realized that exactly 1 year ago today I was headed to the hospital to have surgery because I was diagnosed at my second ultra sound that morning on November 20th 2017 with an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks.
Thinking about that as I feel little baby boy's bunny kicks brings tears to my eyes.
I can't believe in this last year I've moved into a new house and set up a beautiful nursery to bring our son home too.
At this exact time last year I was walking into the hospital, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. My feet and heart felt so heavy. Looking back I have no idea how I managed to do it. I couldn't ever imagine feeling happy again. That pain was unbearable, but here I am, smiling again, hopeful, excited at what amazing little gift we're about to take home in just 6 weeks or so.
I haven't forgotten about that little baby we lost a year ago today and frequently imagine what they would be like, how this Thanksgiving would be with them, Christmas and so on. I imagine what they would have looked like, i'll never know if they were a boy or a girl, if they had my eyes or my husband's smile.
I'm lucky though. I'm alive, I recovered from surgery physically, still healing mentally, but we have a baby boy on the way.
Big big hugs. Due dates and loss dates will always sting I think. We’re approaching one of my would have been due dates and I try to focus on the babe we’re preparing to bring home. I’ll never forget (I have a tattoo for all my angels) but I hope to not let it derail my happiness either.
Thank you @ladystout08 it sort of hit me like a ton of bricks right before I left work and I needed to dump out my feelings. I'm sorry for your losses too. It's hard to not think about when holidays are around the corner
Sending lots of love your way today. Loss dates are definitely hard, but it sounds like you are doing a great job of working through those emotions in healthy ways. I don’t think any of us will ever stop wondering about those babies we never got to meet. This pregnancy has been a strange mix of emotions since I’m due six days after my due date for the baby we lost.
married 7.11.09
Me: 31 DH: 36
DD (14) and DS (11) adopted from US Foster care December 2016 BFP April 24, 2018 | EDD December 29, 2018
@galactickates thank you for starting this. I'm sending all the hugs your way, I feel the same way about just needing to get it out sometimes.
Dec. 1 is the due date for the angel I lost in April. It is also the day that we will be taking maternity pictures, celebrating our sweet little girl on the way. I have so many emotions as the day approaches, ALL the feelings. So, so grateful to have a healthy little girl on the way so soon after. So fucking sad about what could have been. I have a weird feeling that our angel was a boy, but I'll never know. We would have had a babe for Christmas this year, which brings up even more yearning. All the adorable little Santa outfits I see at the store are a constant reminder.
I'm glad I'll have the distraction of keeping myself busy that day, but will also probably come home after the shoot and let myself feel down as needed.
Big hugs to all of you ladies. My angel would have been around 3 months right now. So I definitely share in your pain. Also the date of my D&C for my MMC was January 10th. My EDD for this baby is 1/26. I like @kianarain suspect that my angel baby was a boy. Loving thoughts sent to all of you mamas and all the ones who still suffer in silence. Here’s to the new year and our rainbows 🌈
@galactickates hugs. Due dates are definitely difficult. Mine was 11/8 and I feel the exact same way. I'm so blessed, but still sad. It's hard to believe there would have been a baby at Thanksgiving & Christmas this year. Hugs your way.
Me: 31 I DH: 31
Met: 9/8/08; Engaged: 9/8/11; Married 6/30/12
TTC#1: 8/2013; BFP: 9/30/13; born June 2014 (boy) TTC#2: 2/2018; BFP: 2/26/18; MC 4/4/18. TTC#2: 4/2018; BFP: 5/12/18; EDD: 1/19/19 (boy) 2 fur babies: Oakley Marley (11.5) & Ava Lynn (2)
Big hugs to everyone with EDD/MC anniversaries. They are definitely emotional. I feel like I never will get past the "should have beens". My loss date with my first miscarriage was Nov 15 and I took the day off of work (I do that every year) to just have a good cry and then do some self-care things like get a massage. I am so grateful for this baby that I'm carrying, but my heart still hurts for the ones I will never get to mother here on earth. I am so thankful that my story looks like it's going to get a happy ending, but the journey to get here was tough and it all feels somewhat bittersweet.
Oct 16: Spontaneous BFP | m/c @ 9w1d (massive SCH) | D&C Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN May 17: IUI #2 = BFN Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies) Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = cancelled due to missed ovulation
Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = BFP! Beta 1: 201 Beta 2: 585 Beta 3: 3254 Beta 4: 9715
U/S 19May - one bean measuring on track with a HB of 125! EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
Echoing hugs and shared sympathies to all of us that know how this feels. The baby we lost in February was due the same day my sister had my niece, who is now 9 weeks old; holding that little girl during Thanksgiving and my baby showers is completely surreal and such an indescribable emotional space. I'm so happy and so grateful to be so close to finally getting a take home baby... but I still miss the ones that didn't get to be.
galactickates
member
Re: PGAL Nov & Dec
I selfishly started this because I realized that exactly 1 year ago today I was headed to the hospital to have surgery because I was diagnosed at my second ultra sound that morning on November 20th 2017 with an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks.
Thinking about that as I feel little baby boy's bunny kicks brings tears to my eyes.
I can't believe in this last year I've moved into a new house and set up a beautiful nursery to bring our son home too.
At this exact time last year I was walking into the hospital, forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. My feet and heart felt so heavy. Looking back I have no idea how I managed to do it. I couldn't ever imagine feeling happy again. That pain was unbearable, but here I am, smiling again, hopeful, excited at what amazing little gift we're about to take home in just 6 weeks or so.
I haven't forgotten about that little baby we lost a year ago today and frequently imagine what they would be like, how this Thanksgiving would be with them, Christmas and so on. I imagine what they would have looked like, i'll never know if they were a boy or a girl, if they had my eyes or my husband's smile.
I'm lucky though. I'm alive, I recovered from surgery physically, still healing mentally, but we have a baby boy on the way.
I needed to get these thoughts and feelings out.
Xoxo
DS 05/29/2013
M/C 02/14/2017
M/C 06/05/2017
C/P 03/01/2018
BFP 05/17/2018 EDD 01/27/2019
BFP April 24, 2018 | EDD December 29, 2018
Dec. 1 is the due date for the angel I lost in April. It is also the day that we will be taking maternity pictures, celebrating our sweet little girl on the way. I have so many emotions as the day approaches, ALL the feelings. So, so grateful to have a healthy little girl on the way so soon after. So fucking sad about what could have been. I have a weird feeling that our angel was a boy, but I'll never know. We would have had a babe for Christmas this year, which brings up even more yearning. All the adorable little Santa outfits I see at the store are a constant reminder.
I'm glad I'll have the distraction of keeping myself busy that day, but will also probably come home after the shoot and let myself feel down as needed.
TTC#2: 2/2018; BFP: 2/26/18; MC 4/4/18.
TTC#2: 4/2018; BFP: 5/12/18; EDD: 1/19/19 (boy)
2 fur babies: Oakley Marley (11.5) & Ava Lynn (2)
*TW loss and children mentioned*
Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen
Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019
Andrea -- FTM at 39!