IF in the news - "women should talk about this more"

funkykey · November 2018

Hi All,

I've seen a few articles about IF in the news this week, including some opinion pieces, and I'm curious about everyone's thoughts.

1) Gabrielle Union and her husband had a baby by surrogate (obviously, big congratulations to them). But in opinion pieces about it, I keep seeing things like: "We don't talk about infertility enough".

2) Michelle Obama said that she used IVF to conceive her daughters, and also said something about how women don't talk about the reality of their reproductive health enough.

I have mixed feelings about this.

For me, when I've talked to people/been open about having trouble TTC, I've been met with ignorance. (For example, the dreaded: "Just relax"). I also feel that the advice to women to talk about infertility is usually targeted towards women who are struggling/have struggled. So, some of this advice, it seems to me, puts the onus on IF women not just to actually deal with their treatment and diagnosis, but also to actually talk to ignorant people and help, err, enlighten them.

I feel like the "Women don't talk about infertility enough." statement is oversimplified. There are reasons women don't talk about IF openly, and I feel pressuring them to is unfair.

I know that lots of women feel lonely and ashamed when they're going through it, and saying things like: "Women should be more open! So others aren't so lonely!" is nice in concept. But I also totally understand why women choose to be quiet about it, and to not share. Especially when they are actively dealing with treatments/have been recently diagnosed.

What do you think?

ps. I thought it was very brave of Michelle Obama to share that. I liked her before, but now I love her.

inthewoods23 · November 2018

I agree @funkykey. I'll always remember our urologist appointment where he said sometimes couples are too "mechanical" and focus too much time on trying to time things right. I mean, if you don't, how else are you going to actually conceive?

sincethelastday · November 2018

@funkykey - I was wondering if someone was going to mention Michelle Obama’s recent admission of using IVF and experiencing a miscarriage. Overall, I am very happy to hear when celebrities or public figures share their IF experiences because it’s bringing IF out into the open.

However, I totally get where you’re coming from in regards to the whole “women should be talking about it more.” First off, I hate how it’s still always “women” should be talking about it more. Uhh, what about the men? IF is still treated as such a women’s issue, even though we all know that tons of cases of IF are male factor. If the expectation is on women to speak out, then it should be on men as well.

Saying all this though, it is annoying that in this day and age we are still expected to be educating people on IF. Like, it’s not hard for the general public to have heard about Michelle Obama’s story and then just google something like “IF statistics” or “Top 10 things not to say to someone who’s dealing with IF.” But then I do realize that I think a lot of people in society don’t take enough time to learn and understand the struggles of other people. I don’t think the motivation is there. And, yeah, I don’t know how many times I’ve shared even a smidgen of my IF experience and the judgemental, ignorant comments that I’ve received back have made me not want to share my experiences further. It’s easier said than done to just speak out about it when you could get hurt by people’s words.

At the same time, I’m divided on this whole issue as I think the general public, policy makers, etc. won’t take this issue seriously unless people who have been through IF make a stink about it. I once read about breast cancer survivors and how the whole “pink ribbon” campaign wouldn’t be where it is today if all those women didn’t speak out and advocate for better understanding, services, research, etc. I wish one day we could have our own ribbon, our own fundraising walks/events, have football players wearing a certain color during games, etc., but I don’t know how realistic that would be without self-advocacy.

Bottom line is, I don’t think women (and men) should be pressured to speak out about IF if they don’t want to. However, I wish that there were better resources and support on how to self-advocate if that is what one wants to do. Thanks for the conversation starter; it’s interesting and enlightening to hear others’ opinions on this.

@inthewoods23 - tell me about it! I remember my family doctor telling me to “just have fun with it” when I shared with her that it was almost a year of ttc. For medical professionals, sometimes they can be really clueless.

(And there ends my ridiculously long post *sheepish grin*)

funkykey · November 2018

OMG @inthewoods23 - EXACTLY. Like, if even the doctors are that ignorant, why should women be open when they're struggling?

When I was first struggling, I mentioned something to a (now former) friend about it, and she said something like: "Maybe if you weren't as good at your job?" Like, basically saying, if I had less of a career, maybe I'd be less "stressed", and then maybe I'd get pregnant.

Um, what?

First - that "stress" thing is a total myth. If rape victims in war zones get pregnant, "stress" obviously has nothing to do with fertility. Second, I'm so tired of the moving targets. If I didn't have a "good" job and I were having trouble, people like this "friend" would say things like: "maybe it's not the right time, and the universe is just waiting for you to get it more together first" or: "maybe you're stressed because your career isn't good enough". Like, you can never win, you know?

@sincethelastday - I love it, I love the long thoughtful posts! I totally agree, and I like what you said about it always being "women" who should talk about it more. I often think there's even more a stigma for men with MFI than there is for women dealing with IF - and no one tells men with MFI to speak about it more!

(That said, I mean, sometimes when my H talks about how hard it's been for him, I'm like: "Check yourself". Definitely, for us, the burden of treatments has fallen to me.)

I 100% agree re: "it is annoying that in this day and age we are still expected to be educating people on IF". You hit the nail on the head with that! I think maybe that's why these news articles kind of irked me, like - I'm annoyed at being told to talk more about my struggle.

I also totally agree re: if people don't talk about it, it'll be ignored.

For the record, I do think I will talk more openly about it when we're through it. Though I think we will likely be more open about it if we are successful than if we aren't - like, it will be easier to talk about it openly if we end up with a baby. Otherwise, I'm sure we'll be open with our close friends, but likely not the world at large (to be honest).

sincethelastday · November 2018

@funkykey - I think there needs to be more focus on MFI and support for men, like it’s not a reflection on your “manlihood” because you’re dealing with IF. At the same time, yeah, lol. I’ve been in the same boat with my DH about the whole “check yourself” portion. I haven’t been through any rigorous treatments yet, but just the fact of getting a monthly, physical reminder that you’re not pregnant still makes it worse I think than for the guy.

I’ve often wondered myself whether I would speak out about our experience if I don’t end up with a baby. I really couldn’t say at this point. I’ve made a personal commitment to myself that if I do ever become pregnant, I would post a simple announcement on FB, but would turn it into more of a statement on the journey to get to pregnancy. A pregnancy announcement that is more a shout out to those struggling with IF and some awareness for those who aren’t struggling. I cringe when I see pregnancy announcements on social media (as I’m sure we all do), so I would love to flip that on it’s head and create more an “infertility announcement.” We’ll see if I ever get the guts to actually do it.

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