Saying no to IVF giving up?

PCBOK · October 2018

It’s been a long road so far. Through a fertility clinic we completed five IUIs with no success. We left the clinic because we felt like they were pushing IVF and also the doctor made the comment that adoption ruins lives and it is just a bunch of drug babies. We were no longer comfortable with that doctor. Since then we have began working with a OBGYN who has tried “starting over” in an effort to help us conceive without just jumping right into to mess. So far, no luck. I don’t know if we should dive into IVF, keep trying with the new doctor, or adopt. My heart is torn. I fear the meds and process of IVF but I don’t want to feel like I am giving up.

autumnlvs · October 2018

@PCBOK I've been in your place and I'm so sorry that you're struggling through all of this, probably through a bunch of hormone surges on top of it. There's no right or wrong answer - you will ultimately know what is best for your family. I'm glad you left your doctor - in all of this, you have to be able to trust your RE and not have him/her belittle your beliefs/decisions. I made a switch for the same reason. If you want to talk about the IVF process, I'm happy to walk you through it, as I'm sure a lot of other ladies on this board (who have been through the same as us) are. It sounds scary but ended up being the most mellow two weeks of the whole process despite the stress of timing injections, worrying about messing up doses, taking shots in public restrooms, etc. That being said, I also have friends who are adopted and friends who have adopted, and everyone is happy

Our bodies (and lives) are funny things, both in when and how things happen.

optimisticmrsk · October 2018

Hi @PCBOK ! So sorry you had to go through all those unsuccessful IUIs and that your Dr. made those hurtful comments.
Personally I can only share my experience on the IVF part , I just finished my first IVF cycle, currently on the TWW (transferred 1 embryo !) and I can tell you from my experience that it is not so bad at all. Fortunately, my DH was very involved and hands on with the injection parts and he came with me to every monitoring appt. I would say the mental and emotional part was harder than the shots and the treatment in general. (I was worried and anxious and afraid to know the end result). Fortunately , my body responded very well to the meds and I only had mild side effects (a bit of cramping, bloating and very little nausea). The shots aren’t bad at all as the needles are very small and thin. It is a roller coaster of emotions as I’m sure you’ve experienced with the IUI’s. Finally, I’m not sure about your diagnosis, but for the most part, IVF has higher success rates than IUI. However, you and your partner need to decide what’s is best for you and whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. If I were you, I would go to an appointment to discuss IVF and they will tell you your estimated succes rate based on your age, diagnosis, etc. and see how you feel before making a final decision

Tulips29 · October 2018

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with a doctor who is not very helpful and made such comments to you. When I first started this process, I went with a doctor who started me on IUIs but said IVF would follow soon after if we didn’t have success with them. 3 IUI rounds later they were pushing IVF on me and I wasn’t very comfortable because I was also terrified. I also didn’t love their bedside manner, so I switched to another clinic. The new RE right away told me that it made no sense for me to do IUIs with my background and issues and IVF was my only option. I was scared but I went ahead. The medications and injections weren’t so terrible actually. It’s an emotional process but it’s not bad. Especially with all the support you can find here and if your partner can help with injections. I wouldn’t give up on IVF and if your only concern is medication and injections, I can promise you that it’s not that scary. I think a good, supportive and reassuring doctor can ease your fears and hopefully help you decide on your next steps. Good luck!

mbradfo2 · October 2018

We were in a very similar place as you guys. IVF wasn't something we were horribly excited about -- it seemed (and is, in part) like a huge pricey gamble. Adoption seemed like a better option, but ultimately I wasn't prepared to live with the regret of potentially looking back and wishing we had at least given it a shot. We agreed to do one cycle of IVF and then reassess things. That cycle did end up in a normal pregnancy with a baby girl -- but if it hadn't, I don't know if I would have continued to pursue IF treatments over adoption.

That's not to say adoption is an easy solution -- there are many challenging and emotionally taxing aspects of adoption, whether you do domestic or international, private or through the state. It can also take years and many expensive failures to successfully adopt -- particularly if you are interested in baby adoption. How does an adoption "fail"? In general, it's very difficult if not impossible to get back money you were paying a birth mom (living expenses, medical bills, etc) even if she backs out of the adoption at the last moment.

Your fears about IVF are understandable. It's a very lengthy and sometimes draining process. However, the meds you will be taking will be very similar to those you already have experience with because of the IUI's so you already have a grasp of how you will likely react to them. Those of us who have done IVF, however, are happy to answer any specific questions you might have or share our experiences/offer support, so perhaps that will ease your mind. As for whether you should consider sticking with the OB/GYN, it really depends on what your issues are with conceiving and what the OB is doing to facilitate the process. Do you have a diagnosis?

If you do want to consider IVF in depth, I would recommend perhaps getting a second opinion from a doctor who you are more comfortable with. Your current doctor (the one who is pushing IVF) doesn't seem like a good fit.

Either way, IVF or adoption is pricey, time consuming and emotionally difficult at times. The question you need to consider is whether or not you are ready to close the book on IF treatments and the hope of a child through those means. Many adoption agencies require you to no longer pursue IF treatments while you are in process or to at indicate that you have moved on from them.

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