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Infertility
livewithlove
member
In-laws accused me of 'withholding' a baby from my husband
livewithlove
member
in Infertility
Newbie here seeking advice. DH and I have been married for 5 years (both age 34), and very privately dealing with infertility issues (the cause is on his end) with no success yet. DH's SIL (age 36) recently had her first baby, which is the first grandchild in DH's family. His family is a very traditional, religious Catholic Hispanic family.
My MIL and SILs have been all-consumed with the new baby to a borderline obsessive level, which initially relieved DH and I- we hoped this would put off any questions about why we still have no baby. Unfortunately the opposite happened, and suddenly there have been questions, as his family wants "another baby" for the existing baby to play with. When truly pressed, we've said we weren't sure we were "ready" or that we might look to adoption as we'd love to give a home to a child who needs one. In the meantime, we've withdrawn from some family events as the invasive questions and constant baby focus is painful for us.
Fast forward a few months - I made an honest-to-God calendaring error and accidentally scheduled my brother to come into town from overseas on the same day as my SIL's baby's baptism. DH was asked to be the God Father, so we made arrangements for him to attend, but we had to inform the in-laws that I might be unable to make the event due to my brother, but were trying to find a solution and apologized profusely for the calendaring error. (We thought this was reasonable).
Within an hour, my SIL (the baby's mother) called me and accused me of "withholding" children from her brother and told me she was sure I trapped her brother into marriage by hiding my hatred for children. (WTF?) The other SIL texted me to say she knew I was a selfish person who only cared about staying in shape so I would never go through with a pregnancy, that she suspected I had hidden an infertility issue from her brother, and said she missed DH's ex-wife because at least she would have tried to give my husband children. My MIL then called DH to tell him that if we ever adopted a child, to not bother bringing him/her around because she would never consider the little one to be a true grandchild.
Disgusted does not describe how we feel by their actions. (And these are people who religiously attend mass every Sunday and talk about Jesus 24/7?!)
Obviously they have no idea about our infertility struggles (and at this point, they never will) but we are hurt beyond measure. We've vowed to cut off all contact until they all apologize, but I feel like I can never have a normal relationship with these hateful people again. There are some things that can't be unsaid. And if we do wind up going the adoption route, how can I ever trust my in-laws to actually accept our child? This happened 3 months ago and I'm still devastated.
Thank GOD my own family is wonderful, loving, supportive and wouldn't dare ask a question about our fertility or raise an eyebrow if we adopted a BOX TURTLE as our child, but I feel like they are going to be the only ones in our lives moving forward.
Do I try to be understanding and forgiving of my in-laws, as they have no idea about our fertility issues (IF THEY APOLOGIZE!)?
Or should I just take this as a sign that my in-laws are truly terrible people who have just taken a few years to show their true colors?
DH says he is fine cutting all contact until they apologize, and even after that will be understanding if I still don't feel comfortable being around them (which I probably won't).
Obviously this is only adding to our infertility stress. We love each other so much and have vowed to live our lives to the fullest even if a baby isn't in our future, but it's clear that option isn't OK with his family.
Thanks for any advice you can offer, friends.
My MIL and SILs have been all-consumed with the new baby to a borderline obsessive level, which initially relieved DH and I- we hoped this would put off any questions about why we still have no baby. Unfortunately the opposite happened, and suddenly there have been questions, as his family wants "another baby" for the existing baby to play with. When truly pressed, we've said we weren't sure we were "ready" or that we might look to adoption as we'd love to give a home to a child who needs one. In the meantime, we've withdrawn from some family events as the invasive questions and constant baby focus is painful for us.
Fast forward a few months - I made an honest-to-God calendaring error and accidentally scheduled my brother to come into town from overseas on the same day as my SIL's baby's baptism. DH was asked to be the God Father, so we made arrangements for him to attend, but we had to inform the in-laws that I might be unable to make the event due to my brother, but were trying to find a solution and apologized profusely for the calendaring error. (We thought this was reasonable).
Within an hour, my SIL (the baby's mother) called me and accused me of "withholding" children from her brother and told me she was sure I trapped her brother into marriage by hiding my hatred for children. (WTF?) The other SIL texted me to say she knew I was a selfish person who only cared about staying in shape so I would never go through with a pregnancy, that she suspected I had hidden an infertility issue from her brother, and said she missed DH's ex-wife because at least she would have tried to give my husband children. My MIL then called DH to tell him that if we ever adopted a child, to not bother bringing him/her around because she would never consider the little one to be a true grandchild.
Disgusted does not describe how we feel by their actions. (And these are people who religiously attend mass every Sunday and talk about Jesus 24/7?!)
Obviously they have no idea about our infertility struggles (and at this point, they never will) but we are hurt beyond measure. We've vowed to cut off all contact until they all apologize, but I feel like I can never have a normal relationship with these hateful people again. There are some things that can't be unsaid. And if we do wind up going the adoption route, how can I ever trust my in-laws to actually accept our child? This happened 3 months ago and I'm still devastated.
Thank GOD my own family is wonderful, loving, supportive and wouldn't dare ask a question about our fertility or raise an eyebrow if we adopted a BOX TURTLE as our child, but I feel like they are going to be the only ones in our lives moving forward.
Do I try to be understanding and forgiving of my in-laws, as they have no idea about our fertility issues (IF THEY APOLOGIZE!)?
Or should I just take this as a sign that my in-laws are truly terrible people who have just taken a few years to show their true colors?
DH says he is fine cutting all contact until they apologize, and even after that will be understanding if I still don't feel comfortable being around them (which I probably won't).
Obviously this is only adding to our infertility stress. We love each other so much and have vowed to live our lives to the fullest even if a baby isn't in our future, but it's clear that option isn't OK with his family.
Thanks for any advice you can offer, friends.
Re: In-laws accused me of 'withholding' a baby from my husband
Honestly, since these are DH’s family, the responsibility is on him to navigate the waters with his overbearing mother and sisters. And if he can’t, he can’t be mad at you when you one day snap back at them and reveal that it’s their son/brother who appears to be the primary reason for trouble conceiving.
My MIL can be pretty intense and I told my DH he needed to keep his mother in check with the IVF treatment questions or I wouldn’t be able to keep a cool/calm demeanor with her anymore. It really irritates me when sons/DH don’t stick up for their partners with their own family.
All that said, if they are as religious/Catholic as you paint them, they probably won’t be thrilled if you are or have to go the IVF route.
I truly feel for you and hope your DH is willing to navigate this for or with you. I hope they chill the EFF out.
dx: PCOS, low progesterone; 2 MMC
Sept FET 2018 Spreadsheet
Jan 2 2018 - 1st IVF cycle - 9 retrieved, 7 mature/fertilized, 1 5d transfer + 5 untested snowbabies
Jan 19 2018 - Fresh Transfer #1 one 5dt; BFP 1/25/2018; EDD 10/7/2018; MMC at 8w3d; D&C 3/6/2018
May 16 2018 - FET #1 one 5dt; BFP with 4 betas (6.5, 24.3, 165.5, 2250) - EDD 2/1/2019; MMC at 6w; D&C 6/20/18
Sept 17 2018 - FET #2 one 5dt; BFP 38.9 7dpt, 167 9dpt - EDD 6/5/2019
(3 untested embryos remain)
I went through something similar with my MIL. The short version is that she felt that I had insulted her in saying something at a family gathering, which I later apologized for, but my apology not accepted. MH took my side and defended me, to which she took great offense and has since said some really awful things about both of us. It has now been over a year since we have spoken to them or seen them.
I wore the guilt for this situation for a long time. Feeling like I had split up his family etc. But with constant reassurance from him, I now realize that I am not the cause here. It is a choice that she has made to divide her family.
My advice is to move forward with focusing on YH and you! With the family that you are building, with adopted children or that box turtle. That is your choice and no one else. *hugs*
It's very hard to cut ties with family members, but it seems like you and your DH agree it might be best to separate from that side of the family! Good luck and all the best!!! ^^
Me: 31
DH: 27
D/X: Unexplained Infertility- Unexplained Recurrent Loss
Oct IUI- CP
Dec IUI- CP
Feb IUI- Loss @ 7 weeks... Euploid Male
May IUI: TBD
About a year ago, I saw an unflattering side of part of my family. Not anything to do with IF, but to do with a family business/money. To make a long story short - some of my family are sexist and treat my male cousins better than my female cousins (ie. give them more financial opportunity/support), to an undeniable, offensive degree. DH and I were very angry, and I was sad. For a few months, I felt I couldn't even see certain members of my family. But then I started to, I dunno, forgive them a bit. Not that I want to be best friends or anything - our relationship is permanently changed - but I guess I started to remember different things about them, that I like about them. It definitely helps that I have a nice life and I'm not dependent on my family for anything.
DH is still very angry. He wants to throw all these relationships out like old bathwater. He thinks the sexist members of my family are total scum, and wants nothing to do with them. Like you said, he thinks they are truly terrible people who have finally shown their true colors.
I know (in my heart) I will never feel the same about them, but I honestly don't know what our relationship will be like going forward. I know we won't go to a lot of family functions anymore, and that we'll kind of do our own thing, but I wouldn't rule out some kind of relationship in the future. Life is long; who knows what will happen.
Obviously, our relationships/ situations are totally, totally different. If my husband's family had personally (and ignorantly!) attacked me like that, I'd stay far away for a long time. Your inlaws are most certainly ignorant, reactionary, and ugly people. It's probably best for you (and your husband) to be away from their influence for a while, particularly as you decide what to do about your IF.
But, eventually, maybe 5-10 years down the road, maybe they will apologize, and maybe your husband will be able to have a semblance of a relationship with his family. Who knows. Keeping my FX for you that they smarten up, one day.
Good luck!
I did not speak to them for awhile and my DH put his foot down that they were not to talk to me that again after they said some additional things in front of him. I found that having him set boundaries helped because then it was not coming just from me.
In the end, it helped me realize who is truly loving and who is simply out for themselves. If your own wishes outweigh being kind to others and you can not take others feelings into account, then you are not worth my time and stress. There is too much stress in this infertility journey already. *hug*
When we were going through infertility we had a lot of the same questions from family. There was even a rumor spread around our church from an ex-family friend that I was 5 months pregnant but didn't want anyone to know. We finally told our families about our infertility and they were very loving and understanding. My husband also had to confront the person who started the rumor and tell them of our infertility. He also threatened that if she continued or did anything like this again, he would go to the pastor and the deacon board and have her banned from the church. (We are very close friends with the pastor and his children.)
I'd encourage you to have your husband tell his family about your infertility struggles, and have him calmly tell them they will no longer be a part of your lives. Then, the ball is in their court. Your husband sounds like a very loving man, just from the brief description you have of him.
Also, have you considered talking to a counselor about your feelings? Or maybe finding a support group or mentor to help you through this (in-person)? I know all of those thing greatly helped me when we walked through this. If you need help finding a counselor in your area you can call 855-771-4357 and they'll get you a referral for free.
Just remember you are not alone in this. Just because someone is your relative, does not make them family. Family is not a right, it's a privilege. Surround yourself with family during this time and it'll help so much!