Grandparents

pinkj4182 · September 2018

Hey ladies!
A little back story. I’m an only child who’s mother is very very attached. She doesn’t want to let me go, gives me guilt trips if I don’t hang out with her. She tells me I’m her only friend and calls me and my 2 year old her “entertainment”. Now pregnant with my second child I feel the need to get space from her. She is throwing a huge fit because she’s only seeing “her baby” ( my daughter) once a week.
My question: How often do your parents see your kids? Is once a week not enough? Am I being a jerk?
Thanks in advance for any help!

kns1988 · September 2018

Oh man, start setting your boundaries now and hold firm! I watched my mom be extremely overbearing with my sister and niece. She saw my niece 5-6 times a week, and she now lives with them. I let her come see us about once every 10 days. Once a week would be the absolute max, but even that is too much. You're being generous by seeing her once a week, so don't let her guilt trip you. Also, get yourself a good therapist to help you put yourself first.

molosmiles · September 2018

My situation is very different. My mom has never been overbearing or needy of me. She has been fine without seeing any of her kids for very long periods of time. But she has done daycare my whole life and even though she is now retired she still watches my kids. So she does see them 5 days a week sometimes more. If I had them in regular daycare we'd probably see them every other week or so even being in the same town. It is your life and you get to decide what you do with it. Is she okay with having regular visits with your daughter like a set grandma / daughter time that would allow you some alone time?

Try not to let her guilt trips get to you. I know the guilt trips are hard, my mom gives them too but more the opposite problem....it's when I need her to watch the girls. I'm learning to just let them go. What you and your family need are important too. Don't forget that.

kmos816 · September 2018

My mom is overbearing but we live 4 hours away so don’t have quiet the same problem! I can empathize, however, my mom would probably be that way if we lived closer, and part of the reason I’ve bever been super motivated to move closer.

I agree therapy is always helpful- DH and have started couples therapy recently and it has not only improved our relationship but also myself personally and how I handle all relationships. I’ve started being more open and honest with my mother and though it seems so simple has really helped. For example she buys DD1 and now DD2 WAY too many things and have told her politely to please stop- before I would have just ignored it and lived with resentment.

Long story short I would just be honest with your mom and let her know what works best for you. Also remind her how lucky she is to see your DD once a week!

alexandraseattle · September 2018

Once a week is a lot!! I might not be the best person to give advice because I moved away from home almost 15 years ago. I see my parents 2-3 times a year and DH’s 1-2 times a year.

I second the therapist recommendation for setting some boundaries. Ive been on and off my whole adult life, and it has really helped me with my communication and relationship skills.

Also - maybe your mom is really lonely? Does she have a circle of friends close by? Perhaps find a meetup for her to attend or suggest a new hobby she might enjoy.

pinkj4182 · September 2018

Thanks ladies!
@kns1988 sounds like my mom 4-5 times a week, wants to go everywhere with me, doesn’t see the problem with going if she needs stuff there too. I get it and I’m happy for you to join on occasion but not every time! She doesn’t understand my want for space and one on one time with my daughter. I did start seeing a therapist last week, it’s helping, but my Mom has a way of making me feel like she’s wrong and I’m wrong, it’s going to take some time.

@molosmiles thanks for the reply! My Mom wants to spend time with me AND my daughter, so if I wanted to go to Target, alone, she would say we will go with you I need blah blah blah...She says I’m her only friend so it’s expected that I hang out with her because no one else does.

@kmos816 sometimes I wish I lived several hours away! Would make things a bit easier! As it is my Dad doesn’t do diapers and my mom isn’t much of a babysitter, she usually huffs and puffs about it. She says a lot “I don’t want to spend time with just Aubrey I want to spend time with you too”.

@alexandraseattle My Mom is lonely. Her and my Dad are married still, but never had the best relationship. I did mention to her to find some friends or a therapist to talk to about her stress, not me. She said it hurt her feelings that I said she needed to find a friend. So I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t sometimes. She does have hobbies like sewing, but if I’m doing something more “fun” like shopping... that’s what she wants to do. She’s not much of a social person so it makes it difficult.

molosmiles · September 2018

Yeah, that's hard. Try to find if there is a local seeing guild? Anything to help her make some friends. I can definitely relate to that part. My mom has cut out most of her friends. They use to go out to lunch all the time, brunch every Sunday, and drinking a lot. Honestly, they definitely drank too much so it's a good thing they cut back but now my parents don't seem to really have friends, just each other. I can definitely relate. You are just going to have to be honest with her and express your needs and wants. It will be hard but worth it.

sweetyjenj · September 2018

Sounds like your mom is trying to be a bit enmeshed, so setting boundaries now and sticking firm will be good for you both. You shouldn't be her only friend, and she shouldn't be makign you feel guilty for having your own life and friends and family. Once a week is fairly frequent, i think both my MIL and my own mother only see DD a few times a month, and they both live within 10 minutes of our house. We're all busy and have families and full-time jobs.

pinkj4182 · September 2018

I invited my parents over for dinner last night. When leaving a friend said “bye, see you later.” She said “Maybe, not sure when I’ll be back over here these days”. UGHHHHH...I ignored it. Then this morning she stops by to give me something for a friend of mine. On her way out she tells me daughter, “bye baby hopefully, maybe, I’ll see you soon...maybe bring you lunch tomorrow? Maybe see you soon, I don’t know” I got so upset! I know it’s going to be a long hard road but... I can’t do this drama!

kns1988 · September 2018

@pinkj4182 she sounds absolutely ridiculous. I'm so pissed on your behalf that she's trying to rope your 2 year old into it. Back the F off, lady. Just keep telling yourself that once a week is more than generous enough even if she doesn't appreciate it.

katethemom · September 2018

@pinkj4182 I know how you feel. My mom is always making not-so-subtle remarks like that. She's gotten a little better now that DS is older, but I feel like the reset button is going to be hit as soon as baby girl arrives.

pinkj4182 · September 2018

@katethemom that’s exactly what happened, my reset button was hit. I realize now how manipulative she was and still is. She would do the same thing to me as a kid, but it was always to pit me against my dad because they were fighting. It’s not right to do that! I’ll be damned if she does the same thing to my kids.

mrsmang · September 2018

@pinkj4182 I’m not too worried about our parents being too crazy about time with our kid. However, DHs parents have a pretty nasty relationship (divorced) and often bring DH into arguments that I really don’t think he should be part of and try to manipulate him against each other. We are both worried about our children being used in this way as well. We already had some family drama around a card for us with money for baby furniture that My FIL and SIL signed, but BIL (all live in the same house) was not invited to be part of. We have decided to write out a list of rules for interactions with our child and consequences if they are broken and send it to all family members before she is born. We are hoping then at least if we do notice behavior we can remind them of that and what the consequences are. It may seem a little rude to them, but I don’t even think I care. I care much more about someone telling our baby that grandpa is a bad man or something like that. Not sure if maybe rules like that would work for you? Honestly I’m not even sure they will work for us haha.

pinkj4182 · September 2018

@mrsmang I like the idea! My mom would just write the note off like everything else. I really hope it works out for you and your family though. I started therapy and plan on having her go to a session, maybe there we can get the guidelines sorted out? Wishful thinking. It’s times like this I wish I wasn’t an only child lol. I feel for your husband though, I have to tell my parents, look it’s not my relationship I’m still your child, although I’m an adult, It’s not my business. Keep me out of it. I don’t care and I don’t want to know. He needs to speak up if he hasn’t already and tell them to leave him out of their problems.

mtengl · September 2018

I am having a hard time with the idea of my parents being around. I live 24 hour drive away which helps but I don’t have a good relationship with them (i stopped talking to them for 6 months and now we have a surface relationship). I am going to allow them to visit after the baby is born but I haven’t seen them in 3.5 years by the time the baby is born. I have told them to wait two weeks after to come visit and recently told my mother in law and sister in law I would like them to be here when the baby is born because I know they will be helpful and they also know how to entertain themselves when we need alone time. I haven’t told my family yet though...

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