Wording on shower invitations

solkeso · September 2018

Hi guys! FTM over here and I have to be honest....I hate showers. Mostly, I hate the games and watching people open gifts. For my shower, I just want to spend time with the people who have taken time out of their weekend and money to support us. How do I ask that people leave gifts unwrapped? And a diaper raffle is a thing, right? Is it asking too much? One of the prizes would be that they get to reveal the gender (we don't know, it's on a sealed envelope) How would you word these things on an invitation? I was thinking something like "the parents to be wish to spend time with you, please feel free to leave gifts unwrapped for display. Bring a pack of diapers or wipes in any size for a chance to win a prize - including revealing the gender!" Any ideas? Haha?

solkeso · September 2018

The point is I'd if they aren't wrapped I don't have to open them and can spend time with my guests.

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · September 2018

I think people will wrap gifts regardless of what you put on the invite. Especially if you are inviting a lot of older guests. They love tradition and will be confused on why not to wrap. Idk how you would completely avoid this. Just do all your visiting and save the gift opening for the very end.

alexandraseattle · September 2018

I am also anti raffle. Feels very gift grabby to me. What if you just don’t open gifts during the shower at all? You can open them when guests leave.

skilouise · September 2018

Honestly, this seems very rude to me. It seems to suggest that you want people to spend money on you, but you can't be bothered to spend 30 seconds opening their gift and saying thank you in person. If you don't want to spend hours opening gifts, keep your guest list to a manageable level so you can spend only 30 minutes or so opening gifts and the rest of the time socializing.

AliKay20 · September 2018

I’m kind of confused by this. Is anyone hosting or throwing you a shower? If so, they might have some ideas on how to set some guest expectations but putting all of what you pointed out on an invitation sounds confusing. Also, people may want to see what you get as in expect you to open gifts during the shower. I like what @AshVA suggested. Keep the shower small and your gift opening time can be short.

leighbrek · September 2018

OP, I feel that you might have some control issues. Just focus on having a good time and don't worry about the silly things.

solkeso · September 2018

Yikes the judgement here! Control issues because I want to spend time with my family? Guys come on.

solkeso · September 2018

Basically, there's no way for me to have a small shower. We have a huge family, there's no way to split it up. I don't want to spend the duration of the shower opening gifts when we paid for a venue. And I don't think it's silly or controlling to want to spend quality time with my family. Opening gifts takes away from that, and honestly most people I've asked hate that part. If someone wants to wrap a gift by all means I can't stop them, and I'm not worried about it. I just generally want to set the tone that it's absolutely not necessary.

skilouise · September 2018

It's the overall tone of your OP. You're not just looking for a way to avoid opening gifts, but also looking to maximize the other stuff you get by adding a diaper raffle too. If you insist on the no gift opening approach, I think the open house style that @cait32 suggested would work best. I wouldn't recommend combining that approach with a diaper raffle. Doing both at the same time looks very gift grabby. That may or may not be your intent, but that's how at least some of your guests will probably view it.

Also... It's hard to tell from some of your comments, but are you throwing your own shower?

UnbreakableKimmySchmidt · September 2018

OP, I don’t think any of these ladies are judging. Only offering advice (which you asked for when posting). I think you pretty much have your mind made up on your shower so not sure how to help. Another suggestion is send the invites and have the host tell all those who RSVP yes not to wrap their gifts.

ladystout08 · September 2018

I've heard of Sip and Sees where people just use clear cellophane. My plan is to do what @cait32 did and just have a bunch of friends over and not worry about the actual "shower" part.

tosh24 · September 2018

I think for someone who has "barged" in on a community of ladies - who have been interacting and supporting each other since April - without offering an introduction or contributing support to anyone else on this board, the ladies here have been extremely nice in answering your questions. Random drive-by questions from people who are not part of the community are not usually taken as well as it has been in this case. If you would like genuine support and to be a part of the January 2019 community, then read the "Board Organization" post pinned at the top, introduce yourself in the Intro thread, and spend some time giving support to others in the community rather than just stopping by to ask questions and then disappearing.

FWIW, if you are not interested in a traditional shower or abiding by formal shower etiquette, I would also suggest a more casual get-together like @cait32 suggested. It's a little awkward to try and have it both ways.

solkeso · September 2018

Honestly, this is my first post here and I'm quite taken aback by how negatively some of you are taking me, so maybe I should just clarify: I would love help on invitation wording. I got the diaper/wipe raffle idea from several other moms/friends who've seen it. Maybe it's a regional thing? I know in other states diaper parties for dads are a thing. I'm not throwing my own shower, my mom is throwing it and she wants my help and input. She's a 60 year old woman in poor health, I can't say no. It's being held at a venue and we have a lot of guests (all close family and friends) and a strict time limit. Cutting the guest list isn't an option, as I have a big family. I want to make it fun and relaxed, so I can spend time with them, personally thanking them and being a good guest of honor/host/whatever you want to call my role, and I don't think spending half the time opening gifts is the most logical way to maximize my time with my family, be able to personally thank/spend time with each of them, and also ensure they also have a nice time and aren't bored... We are also an environmentally conscious bunch, and while it's fun and beautiful, we see wrapping paper as just unnecessary trash and a general waste. Plus it's expensive. I'm not offending my family by not opening gifts, and those who want to wrap and have me open can go right ahead and will have no problem saying so, no one will be offended, we're that kind of family. I just want people to know right off the bat that it's not necessary. These people know me. A shower is already grabby af and people are already going to be bringing diapers and/or wipes, so why not make it fun and give them the chance to get something cool out of it? Then if I put it on the invite, no one feels left out (which, in my family, is more likely than me being considered "grabby")There are going to be prizes for different things, AND favors...This is our family and they are awesome, they know we weren't expecting a baby and that we aren't rich. They know we need their support, and know they will get ours in return. We give how we can. My family is awesome like that. Like the title says, I just need some help on wording here. Maybe from someone who's done it/been to one/has a way with words? given what I've filed in, does my wording make sense? Would you leave it off and just spread by word of mouth? I've only been to very traditional showers, and I feel kind of like it's a lot to put on an invite.

hkom · September 2018

*Lurker*

@solkeso My SIL had over 50 people at her wedding shower and did not unwrap gifts - it would have taken absolutely forever! It also was at a rented venue with a time limit. Not one person was offended, including the old ladies who were there, of which there were many. Most of us were relieved we didn't have to sit there and watch her open 50+ packages. If I remember correctly, her invitation said something like "Be green and save paper! Please don't wrap gifts" and no one did.

As far as the diaper raffle, I've never personally partaken in one, but maybe just a note saying something along the lines of "Optional diaper raffle with lots of prizes including the chance to reveal the gender to mom and dad!"

solkeso · September 2018

Love this wording, very concise! Thank you!

Rachel2066 · September 2018

My sister is hosting my shower and she actually just brought up this suggestion today. The invites will have a cute little poem asking people to not wrap their gifts to save on the paper. We are going to have a large table so that we can display the gifts that people bring. That way I will have more time to interact and socialize with everyone. *Poem similar to this one - https://www.zazzle.com/no_wrap_insert_card_baby_or_bridal_shower_pink-240744847416685876

I have never heard of a diaper raffle - but I moved to a different part of my state after college where "Jack & Jill" parties for couples getting married are popular. It is like a coed shower where you pay an admission price and then pay to bid on baskets. Its basically a massive fund raiser for the couple getting married. I had never hear of this before moving to the area and I was slightly horrified when I first heard of it. But everyone in the area is used to them.

It sounds like maybe the diaper raffle is a local tradition similar to that?

*Edited to add link*

solkeso · September 2018

So...you guys go out of your way publicly belittle the new kid instead of just being direct and letting me know there's another place for this? Or, I don't know, ignoring it? That's so catty. I would never treat a new person who is clearly still getting the lay of the land like that. There are a lot of rules. I thought I was in the right place...Why not just say "hey you're new, this is a tight community, take a second to introduce yourself on the xyz thread and read the guidelines. This thread should probably go here" There's always a kind way to say something, and if this is just "how you roll..." I don't even know what to say. I honestly thought I was in the right place. There's no "you should reply x amount of times before you start a thread" rule, and I honestly thought it would be okay to jump in.

kmvisioli · September 2018

I would say if you have a lot of people and a busy event, just don’t open presents there and don’t worry about addressing it on the invitation. Nobody expects to watch a bride open a mountain of gifts at a wedding, and most people would rather socialize than watch you open gifts for an hour.

If you are hosting your own shower, telling people how you want your gifts wrapped, and asking them to participate in a diaper raffle or extra gifting activity, that does start sounding a bit self-centered or controlling. If you are set on the diaper raffle idea, I like the wording of it being optional like someone else mentioned.

skilouise · September 2018

For the record, I stand by my posts, and would have said them regardless of whether you were new here or not. You came in after your OP with a bunch of additional reasons for your plan. Maybe those are legit factors that you should have mentioned from the very beginning, or maybe they're just convenient rationalizations. I don't know. The fact remains, based on the very limited information you gave in your original post, your plan sounded rude and gift grabby. Maybe traditions are different in your part of the country, but that's my honest perception based on my region and experiences.

Frankly, if I was going to do something with my shower that guests might consider rude, I would want someone to warn me about it in advance so I could factor that into my decision.

Edit: wording

solkeso · September 2018

I mean, in my opinion, the way you take something says as much about you as what you're responding to. If you want to see me so negatively, even after I realize I need to backtrack, girl go ahead. I come from a place where we give people the benefit of the doubt, and if that's not how you roll, cool. We can both just walk on and hopefully walk a little wiser.

solkeso · September 2018

@kmvisioli, that wording is exactly what I was going for. I don't want people to feel like they have to, I just know they're going to anyway, and it's more likely someone would feel left out not knowing. I'm also going to phrase it as diapers OR wipes, which are much less expensive. People who know me know they could bring nothing and I'd still be happy for their company.

skilouise · September 2018

I mean, in my opinion, the way you react to something says as much about you as your original post. If you want to get overly defensive to rather mild criticism, even when it's paired with constructive advice, girl go ahead.

ETA: A "backtrack," as you put it, would have been something like "sorry guys, I guess I didn't include all the relevant information in my OP. My family is really into environmentalism, so we'd also like to avoid the waste of wrapping paper......" etc etc. Instead, you reacted very defensively to very mild criticism, and threw out additional reasons over 3-5 posts in a way that came across as defensive rationalizations rather than genuine additional factors to consider. Just because we disagreed with you doesn't mean we attacked you.

solkeso · September 2018

I didn't feel attacked, I was taken aback, and said I felt like I should clarify. That's very similar.

@AshVA, you keep going on about my tone, and I just feel like you don't understand me and what I'm trying to get across. Maybe if we met in person we'd be friends, but I'm honestly thinking we just don't communicate the same way. While I'll keep it in mind, I just don't think your feedback is helpful anymore.

solkeso · September 2018

I'm okay with differences in opinion. You guys have really good reasons for your opinions and I totally respect that, but on that same line of thought I'll also stand up for myself when when someone completely (deliberately?) misunderstands me. Implying I'm lying by making "convenient justifications," have "control issues," and then to imply that I somehow deserved it because I "barged in mid-conversation?" I'd argue that's not only belittling, it's catty. If I can handle being called out on breaking the rules and committing a faux paux I should think that you guys - with your entire, tightknit community of support behind you - should be able to take that feedback from a total newb who is, admittedly, figuring it out. If I didn't want to be part of the group I wouldn't stand up for myself, I'd just peace out. If I'm going to make a splash "barging in mid-conversation" I might as well make sure you get a good idea of who's jumping in the water with you. You can call it defensiveness, I say people treat you the way you let them, and I'm not some meek little wallflower (but if you happen to be one, I've always got your back.) Most of you have been awesome, thank you so much for your advice and guidance. I'm definitely using that wording, it's perfect. Way better than anything I found on Google. .....;)......too soon?

oaklandava · September 2018

I think it's nice of your mom to throw you a shower when she has health issues. You could always add something that says something along the lines of "in an effort to thank our environment, please do not feel obligated to wrap items" maybe. Or even, "we love you and we love our environment, wrapping paper optional". I don't know, but maybe that would help.

sarahsaurus-2 · September 2018

Is there any way you could make a note on your registry that gifts dont have to be wrapped? I feel like any way you put it on an invitation is going to sound wordy and awkward. Plus, as someone else said, I imagine no matter how you try to tell your guests not to wrap, some of them will do it anyway.

Word of mouth would be my other idea, just telling each guest before the date that you would like gifts unwrapped. This way you can also further explain your reasoning to any guests who may be confused.

emmaaa · September 2018

Eh, I think it would be rude. The point of a baby shower is to "shower" the parents with gifts. If you aren't going to take the time to open them and thank the guest for them, then I would be offended. I get that leaving them unwrapped will make it easier to see what you've received and not take away time from your family, but honestly, that's how showers are. We had 75 people at our shower, it took about an hour or an hour and a half to unwrap gifts. It was annoying, yes. I hate opening gifts in front of people. But when you are thrown a shower and accept the offer, you are kind of accepting that fact. If you were being hosted at your home and had more of an open house or even if you didn't mention a registry on your invitations, I think you could get away with it.

also hate the idea of required raffles, I agree to maybe give everyone a raffle ticket for coming.

Also, for someone who hates showers, you seem to have a lot of opinions on this matter

alannac1 · September 2018

Yikes, didnt expect this to be a heated thread when i clicked it...

OP - my best friend was just in a similar sitch. Her mom and MIL insisted on throwing her a shower, at a rented venue, and had a 70 person guest list, which was mostly old ladies. I wish i wouldnt have thrown her shower invitation away, but i did...

The invitation clearly said to not wrap gifts, and i thought the old ladies might put up a stink about it, but none did and everyone listened. For one of the shower games, they had a scavenger hunt with a list of items that you had to go find amongst the unwrapped gifts.

I hate all showers period so i didnt care about any of this (not wrapping saved me 10 mins so thats a win in my book) but i overheard some ladies saying what a great idea they thought it was... Nobody had to sit and watch her open gifts, she still thanked everyone for their gift, and the scavenger hunt made it easy for the guests to check out all the stuff she got.

I do agree with most others, i do not like the diaper raffle idea at a shower where everyone already feels like they have to buy a gift.

greenhillgirl · September 2018

I think its fine to not open gifts at the shower, but I wouldn't put anything about that on the invitation. I also wouldn't put anything about the environment and wrapping paper. Lots of people love to wrap presents or that is half the fun for them- like me. You're doing a traditional event for your mom and family so in this instance I would probably just let the environmental issue slide for the good of the group. Keep the gift bags and reuse them, put the paper in the recycle bin. As a guest, I would be annoyed by that instruction and it seems to go against etiquette.

I'm also not wild about the diaper raffle idea but I know people do it so nbd. But I don't think that raffling off the chance to do a gender reveal to the couple would go over well. It's like buy me something for this experience. What about instead picking someone who means a lot to you guys to give you the gender as a big and sentimental moment?

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