Devastated Husband

kate_trotter · August 2018

I'm hoping to find another Mama to be out there to support each other through this difficult time. I feel very alone in this situation. I know there must be other women out there who have husbands that are not accepting of their wife's pregnancy.
My story summed up:
My husband was fully aware I was not on birth control. We were using the rhythm method. Unfortunately, my cycle was extremely irregular. Agian, he was aware. He bought condoms but never wore them. I wasn't about to make him. I was fine with getting pregnant and foolishly thought his lack of vigilance ment he was prepared for the possibility of pregnancy.
When I did become pregnant I knew he would freak out but hoped it would be short lived. I hoped that his love for me would overcome his fears. It has been two months since he has known. Zero progress has been made.
I told him the day before our one year wedding anniversary and five year total time together anniversary. Consequently, it was ruined. Its seems so fitting that the partnership we had ended on the day before what should have been a celebration of our love.

I'm heartbroken. He is devastated.
He feels I'm choosing the baby over him and our relationship. He wants to support me but doesn't know what to do. How can I ask him for anything when he wants no part of being a father? We are staying together but we don't know if our marriage will survive.
I hear/read all the time from women who were in similar situations that once the baby was born or at some other specific point the partner got on board. I'm starting to loose hope that that moment will come.
So what do I do? Stay in this marriage hoping he comes around only to leave him what the baby is three months old because he still doesn't love it?
So I'm here in an unsupportive marriage depressed and trying to fix our marriage when I should be happy and pampered. My pregnancy experience is ruined. I know this will be my only child and I want to be happy and take care of myself like I always dreamed I would. Instead I'm depressed and at times resent the baby growing inside.
Please, tell me someone else out there can relate!!!

PurplePoppy424 · August 2018

I can relate with the unexpected pregnancy, but your husband sounds like a massive asshole. You two are both consenting adults and were both willing participants in the acts that caused the pregnancy. I seriously suggest marriage counseling so the two of you can work through this before the baby comes. I promise you a baby will not fix a broken marriage.

becks_726 · August 2018

I second @PurplePoppy424's suggestion of counselling. There obviously needs to be some serious, meaningful conversations so that you can either get on the same page, or work towards that, or put an end to this. Having a professional assist you in that would be extremely beneficial. If he won't agree to that, I think that also gives a pretty good answer.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

madreofdragons · August 2018

We had a similar situation but this is our second and he was upset for a total of two days. I second that a baby will not help a marriage, it can easily strain relationships of couples that were the most “ready”. I’ve got to say the fact that he feels like you’re “choosing the baby over him” makes me think he’s either extremely young/immature and/or controlling. I’m not usually one of the first to jump on the just leave the man train but if counseling doesn’t help this may be the thing you needed to know that he isn’t the right person for you or your child.

disneybaby84 · August 2018

There were two girls in my previous bump group, one the boyfriend left while the girl was still pregnant. The other one, the husband left when the baby was about 6 months old. Then there is another girl in our group, a few months ago, baby is 18 months now, the girl and her husband were in such a bad place, she and the baby lived with relatives for about a month. I say all this to say, each circumstance is different. If you feel raising a baby is not best for you, there are adoption agencies out there.

katamca · August 2018

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I will second that having a baby will try even the strongest and happiest of marriages. I also think that if he is open to counseling then definitely go that route. If not, do you have any family close by? Or friends you could lean on?

okayestmom12 · August 2018

Like you need another comment saying “get to counseling” but here I am to say just that. Get to counseling. Couples counseling as well as individual counseling for each of you could be incredibly beneficial.

That being said, if your DH is not open to counseling, that (to me) speaks volumes.

conchispita · August 2018

If your husband is serious about never wanting kids he needs to get a vasectomy, even if you were on BC it’s a risk.

I agree that counseling is a good idea. I can see how holding his child might make him come around, but the newborn phase is really tough. If he didn’t want kids he will really resent all the sacrifices you have to make to raise a child.

Sorry you are going through this, definitely see if you can spend time with family or friends, having support makes a huge difference!

BourbonBiscuits · August 2018

That sounds really tough, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I agree with everyone above - sounds like it's time for some serious counseling. My husband and I had just started dating a few months earlier when we found out we were pregnant with DS, but we both were elated when we found out. It took a TON of work to be in a place where we were stable enough to raise a child together, and that's work that continues (even in relationships with a strong pre-baby foundation I think!) as kids grow.

There's one part of your post that feels particularly concerning to me: "He feels I'm choosing the baby over him and our relationship. He wants to support me but doesn't know what to do. How can I ask him for anything when he wants no part of being a father? We are staying together but we don't know if our marriage will survive." I ... don't think a marriage can survive something like that without some serious intervention. I feel like it would be pretty damaging to your child too to know that their father wants nothing to do with them, but is sticking around.

I hope you can find some help.

hannahbananas11 · August 2018

I agree with everyone else: marriage counseling is definitely your best bet here. I don't know if either of you ever discussed children with each other, but some people marry with completely different expectations of whether or not they'll have children, or how many they'll have. These are things that, ideally, every couple works out before having unprotected sex.
The issue, of course, is that no matter if you both agreed to have children at some point or not, he knowingly had sex with you without any protection while still harboring doubt and hesitation about having kids. So now he's realizing his stupid mistake, and is clearly having a crisis. You both need a safe space to talk to each other, with the unbiased feedback of a therapist to encourage both of you to remain honest, open and respectful of the fears and hurt that both of you most likely harbor. That kind of respectful communication is truly the only kind that will make any marriage last.
Whether or not you proceed with seeing a marriage therapist, I do think that you should at least consider seeing a therapist on your own, if you've not already. As you say, you want to be able to take care of yourself, and a really good step toward this is to make therapy a regular part of your life.
I hope that you're able to find the support that you need, and that your husband is also able to find the support that he needs.

agea · August 2018

Hi Kate, I agree with the comments everyone else has made about therapy. I know it can be tough with an unwilling participant but it is important.
I also wanted to say, try to find a way to enjoy this for yourself. Parenting is incredibly hard but such a special journey and you deserve the opportunity to enjoy this time. I’m sorry it’s so difficult with your husband.
You might have some soul searching in front of you to decide what you want from your life without letting your husband hold you back. Individual counseling would be a real help here. Wishing you strength.

lifeislove87 · August 2018

I’m so sorry you are in this position, I wish your pregnancy was the joyful occasion that it sounds like you were hoping for. I also think marriage counseling is your next step. I know people in this situation and it can go both ways, the husband comes around and is a great parent or the husband leaves or the relationship is that where the wife leaves. I hope your husband comes around.

smallbutmighty77 · August 2018

I will add, take care ofyourself. He doesn't want to pamper, then take time for you. Get a massage, go to a movie, enjoy the pregnancy and yourself separate from everything else. I know that seems impossible but it can be done. We had multiple women in my past group who are now doing the single mama thing and they are kicking butt at it, so if you do have to go that route, you can do it. In the meantime focus on you and baby not just husband.

lifeofboggs · August 2018

I’m sorry you feel so alone and are going threw this.

now with that being said I’m going to be very straight up with you. He knew that neither of you were using any type of birth control. The rythem method is not reliable and I’m sure this man has been through a Basic health class in his life and knows this.

He is just as responsible for you you getting pregnant as you are. If he can’t man up and deal with the situation that he helped create it will be best for you to just leave. You should NOT raise that little one in that type of environment. It will be extremely emotionally damaging for them to be in a home where the other parent is resentful against them for just being born.

now you can try the counseling route but if he has never wanted children and has expressed this often to you, I doubt it will do much to change his mind.

i just hope you have a good support system with you own friand new and family hun and you shouldn’t have to go though all of this alone

kayjay44 · August 2018

Wow he's a fuckwad.

That said, you need to do what is best for you and the baby. I know men who have come around in this situation, but it's not always the case.

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