UO 8/2

mamabearcj · August 2018

Its Thursday and of course I can't remember my unpopular opinion but hopefully you ladies have some good ones to get us started!

mytrueloves · August 2018

This one might get controversial.

I wish people would stop blindly advocating for adoption.

Pro-lifers & anti-natalists, ironically, are the worst when it comes to this but so many people just go "well you can always adopt!" Or "have you looked into adoption?" Or "there are so many kids already waiting for homes. Why can't you just adopt?"

I'm gonna stop you right there. Because the adoption industry in ALL of its manifestations is massively corrupt and full of moral and ethical concerns. Because all adoptees, even infants, experience trauma. Because only parents who are equipped to handle trauma should consider adoption. And that's before you even factor in all the kids in the system who have cognitive or physical disabilities or mental illness on top of the existing trauma. You have no idea whether the person you're telling to "just adopt!" is remotely appropriate for the task of raising a child with layers of trauma and grief.

And that's not even getting into all the ethical concerns surrounding adoption in general. Just stop advocating for adoption as though it's a simple solution and do your damn research.

Also, over population is a myth and anti-natalists are naive at best, but in most cases they just hate children in general.

sammierose464 · August 2018

I agree. People also don't realize the cost of adoption, its crippling. Yeah, you can foster and get support, but those kids have often faced even more trauma. I know a woman who has THREE adopted children from other countries. All have severe handicaps. Not only is it expensive, but it's physically and emotionally exhausting. It takes a certain kind of person to be an adoptive parent.

mytrueloves · August 2018

That's another thing that gets on my nerves. People who are like "well if you can't afford the cost of adoption, maybe you shouldn't be having a kid at all?"

Come on now, we can afford the every day expenses of raising a child but I don't have a minimum of 30k just sitting around in my bank account.

sammierose464 · August 2018

Exactly. That's upfront, one-time. Then all the costs of having a child on top of that.

jennybean80 · August 2018

I’m adopted... I have no trauma related to it. I was adopted at 16 days old, have a wonderful relationship with my parents (I don’t have any relationship with my bio-parents - 1980s closes adoption). I’ve always know I was adopted (and that one younger brother is as well, though my youngest brother is my parents’ bio kid). My brother met his bio-mom a few years ago, they aren’t in contact anymore.

mytrueloves · August 2018

I definitely don't want to talk over your experience, jennybean. But what I meant by "all adoptees experience trauma, even infants" is that studies have been done showing that newborns separated from their biological mother at birth experience high levels of stress related to trauma. Now this may not transfer to the rest of the child's life but it IS something that everyone who is considering adoption should be aware of. That's simply what I meant.

BabyRobbinsAdventure · August 2018

Our friends adopted a sibling set a couple of years ago, they are 6/7ish now. Their family does as well as they can considering everything, and I do think they are well equipped parents since she works with disadvantaged youth and has many connections to social services to help them.

Right now my cousin and her husband are also looking to adopt, but I do think they are going through it from an angle that isn’t realistic. They will only accept a child at birth and think life will just be peachy and fine. Yes, that might have happened 40 years ago when my aunt (her mom) gave up a son for adoption and he “turned out fine” but there are a lot more layers in today’s world with complex feelings from birth mothers, options of open relationships, etc. I wish them luck if they do end up with a baby one day, but I’m just not sure they have thought through the years that will follow.

I will also add that this particular part of my family is very “pro birth” and basically want to shame anyone for thinking that a woman should have choice in that matter. So they will push that adoption is appropriate for anyone with an open heart. So yeah, there is that.

mamabearcj · August 2018

So I dont know really anything about adoption so take my UO with a grain of salt, but I think that when you agree to give up your baby to a family and sign that contract you shouldn't be able to go back on that once that baby is born. If the adoptive parents are chosen early on they go through so many of the emotions throughout the pregnancy and to get all the way through labor and having the baby and being told they changed their mind.. I can only imagine the heartbreak of not getting your baby.
Again I dont know a lot of even a little about adoption so this opinion is really off of stories I've heard. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong (:

sammierose464 · August 2018

One of my sorority sister's son had that happen @mamabearcj. They were expecting to adopt twin boys. They paid all the fees and the birth mother's medical bills (pretty standard). They found out just before the boys were born that mom changed her mind. It devastated them because they were having fertility issues.

They had a good end to their story though. They ended up getting picked to adopt another child, and about the same time they brought her home she gave birth to a little boy. She has since had a 2nd child as well. I can't imagine the feeling of going through months of expecting to bring home a baby and then the birth mom changing their mind.

mamabearcj · August 2018

@sammierose464 I'm glad it ended up going well for them. In those cases where they pay for everything they should be fully refunded, idk if they were or not but it should be a requirement, that is so so much money and to end up with no babies for all of that!? No.. not okay

RosieMommy2016 · August 2018

I have a few friends who have adopted. Some did it cause they couldn't have children, some did it to give a child a loving home. I have a friend who gave up a baby when she was 19 cause it went against her religion to abort. My parents adopted a girl when she was 11 years old. I am in the system to be a foster parent (maybe open it up again when mine are older).

I'm just going to say this, adoption is not easy. It can be painful for both parties. Some children have more trauma than others. My adopted sister cried when she found out someone wanted her because she hadn't felt loved in years.

I have also seen adoptions go wrong.
It's not for everyone.

sammierose464 · August 2018

I feel for the children who are in the foster or adoption system. I can't even imagine what life like that is like. I went to college with a girl who was in foster care most her life, she is a huge advocate for different things in relation. She speaks a lot about her experiences and how to support.

I wish adoption overall were easier: to do it, to get a child, to pay for it, all of it. I had always said I would adopt if I couldn't have my own.

kiwi2628 · August 2018

It would literally make me wanna punch people in the face who said I was selfish to do IVF when there are babies to adopt. Really, you think I didn't look into adoption deeply? I would have adopted if it had been feasible. It is prohibitively expensive- @mytrueloves you said at least 30k? Try more like 70-80k if you want a known healthy baby. And oh, then you are on a wait list for 1-3 years. Many countries will no longer adopt to the US, or if they do, it is through religious organizations- sucks when you arent that religion (and even then its expensive AF). Adopting across state lines is also much more difficult then you would think as many states have laws enacted to minimize/stop interstate adoption due to the 'abuses' (aka richer people from the coasts were getting babies from teenage moms in the midwest and could afford it over more local people). It was cheaper to do my two IVF cycles then to adopt.

Sorry I couldnt bang and get KU like everyone else... try being in my position and then you can pass judgement.

Did I mention I really hate a lot of people in this world? lol

mytrueloves · August 2018

Just to be clear, I am pro-adoption. But I am pro-informed-ethical-children-first adoption. My mother was a foster parent for 20 years, most of my 15 siblings are adopted. I've seen the flaws and corruption up close and real personal and I could tell some stories.

jennybean80 · August 2018

I have a bigger issue with people who think adoption is the be-all, end-all over abortion. And use “you should just put baby up for adoption” as an argument against abortion. Pregnancy has huge implications on moms, and isn’t just something that has no health repercussions (especially in America where the mortality rate is so much higher than it should be).
While I don’t think I’d ever have an abortion, I think it’s essential that there is safe options for women who need/chose that route.

sliztee · August 2018

YES, @jennybean80!!!!!!

dellusion · August 2018

@mytrueloves, 15 siblings?!?

Holy moly, family celebrations and get togethers must be amazing!

rc-cola · August 2018

Well said @jennybean80

I find particularly problematic the use of the foster to adopt process. The goal of fostering is family reunification. People who enter into it with the goal of adopting have an inherent conflict of interest. Termination of parental rights can be much too easy, particularly against poor women, woc, and people caught up in the criminal justice system. Yes of course sometimes reunification isn’t in the best interest of the child, but often it is.

mytrueloves · August 2018

YES. It is one of the huge problems of the foster care system. So many foster caregivers feel like the children are theirs as soon as they're placed in their homes. They are NOT your children, stop acting like they are, stop treating their families like the enemy. If your goal is not to help reunify families, you shouldn't be in foster care.

However, foster-to-adopt isn't exactly the same thing. Foster-to-adopt is a system by which people foster children whose families have already lost rights or are in the process of having their rights terminated. There's huge issues with both systems but at least people who intentionally enter foster-to-adopt aren't lying about what their intentions are.

mytrueloves · August 2018

*who foster children whose families have rights etc with the intention of adopting them. Realized I didn't finish my sentence.

cdepperschmidt · August 2018

My husbands Aunt and Uncle adopted an 8 year old boy from Russia in the early 90’s. He had lived in a orphanage for his entire life. He had fetal alcohol syndrome, so as a result he had some mild delays. They never addressed all of the trauma he experienced. He struggled in school, so they chose to homeschool him, I’m not sure if he graduated or not. He is also gay, and they refuse to acknowledge it. They are very religious and believe in the whole
pray the gay away thing. The whole situation makes me sad.

I wish their was better education for parents adopting. Many people don’t seem to understand that adopting older children means that they come with baggage and you can’t ignore it. Just because you’re a good person doesn’t mean you will magically “fix” the child.

UO 8/2

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